The Wrong Side of Kai

by Estelle Maskame

  My curiosity is too hard to fight. I look down the hallway at the scene I’ve created. People are snapping pictures of the locker door with their phones. Others are pulling over their friends to show them the latest Westerville North High drama. And Harrison? Harrison is shoving people out of his way, panic flashing across his features, until his eyes take in the display before him.

  I watch him closely, basking in the joy that fills me when his expression twists with horror. All the color drains from his face as he looks around the crowd of spectators, all catching a glimpse of his perfectly average package. He tears the photo from his locker, shredding it in half, and then slams his fist into the metal. Everyone moves out of his way as he pushes people to the side, storming off down the hallway. He’s truly enraged, and it’s oh-so-satisfying.

  For, like, two seconds.

  Because in that very moment, I realize Harrison and I are no different. We are both terrible people. How am I any better for doing to him what he has done to me? I’m not. It’s the most gut-wrenching feeling in the world, the way my chest tightens with regret. Hurting Harrison doesn’t make me feel better. It only makes me feel worse than I did on Monday morning when I first discovered his betrayal.

  I can’t stick around here. I shove my hands into my coat pockets and turn on my heels, striding down the hall toward the school’s entrance. My eyes sting with tears again, the same way they did yesterday when I ran down this same hallway, and I push open the doors and step out into the freezing air outside. I suck in a huge breath, filling my lungs until they feel as though they’ll explode, then I release it.

  I walk all the way home to an empty house, my head down.

  I feel like the worst person in the world.

  18

  “Hey, honey!” Kai’s mom says as she swings open the front door. She immediately ushers me inside from the cold. The house feels like a sauna compared to outside.

  “Did Kai mention I was coming over?” I ask as I kick off my shoes. I hope his mom doesn’t think I’m just turning up uninvited. I’ve been texting with Kai all afternoon while the two of us both skipped school and stayed home, but not together, and I offered to come over and keep him company tonight. It’s just after eight, and I’ve spent the past hour at Chyna’s binging on chicken tacos while I built up the courage to come over here. When it comes to talking to Kai’s parents, I feel a little on edge. Usually, when I go over to a guy’s house, I avoid the parents at all costs because I don’t want them to ever think I’ll end up dating their son long-term. I have to remind myself that with Kai it’s different. We’re not like that.

  At least I don’t think we are. All I know is that whatever this is, it definitely doesn’t feel like some fling.

  “Of course,” Cindy answers, but her smile quickly turns down into a frown. “Was he fighting at school again? He won’t tell us what happened to his face. Maybe you know? Also, do you know why he skipped school yesterday? The school called me. He isn’t making a good first impression for himself.”

  “Uhhh,” I say, awkwardly looking anywhere but at her. Clearly, Kai doesn’t want his parents to know the truth, so how do I answer? I imagine telling her: Sorry, Mrs. Washington, but your son got his ass beat by a guy who we’ve been screwing with the whole week. I imagine the complete look of horror on her face.

  “Mom,” I hear Kai say sharply, saving me from having to lie straight to his mother’s face. I let out a breath of relief when I spot him descending the staircase. He narrows his eyes at her. One is still black and swollen, but at least both eyes are now open fully. The gray sweatpants he’s wearing low on his hips look ridiculously attractive. “Don’t interrogate the guest.”

  Cindy holds her hands up in surrender as she backs away. “Okay, okay!” she says, but she eyes Kai with deep concern, pressing her lips together. Kai’s first week at Westerville North hasn’t gone down well – he’s skipped a bunch of classes and gotten into a fight, so I’m surprised his mom is even allowing him to have friends over. “Just yell if you guys need anything.”

  “We won’t,” Kai says, then motions for me to join him upstairs. As I fall into place by his side, he flashes me a reassuring grin. I can see the cut in his lower lip.

  We pass the living room and his father gives us a wave from in front of the TV, and I make the effort to wave back and offer a polite smile. I can’t help but like Kai’s parents and it’s comforting to know that at this moment in time, they have no reason to believe I’m a terrible person. But I am.

  Kai leads me upstairs and into his room, and this time it’s nowhere near as cluttered as it was on Monday. His bed is unmade, there’s still laundry scattered all over the floor, and there are too many cans of soda and water bottles on his bedside table, but everything else has been pushed into one corner of the room. I notice the Netflix home screen on his TV.

  “Are we Netflix and chilling?” I joke. The thought makes my skin feel hot, but I kid myself it’s just the intense heat in this house. I pull off my coat and throw it over the back of his desk chair.

  Kai grins and dives onto his bed, sprawling out. He props his head up with a pillow and looks at me. “I’ve been watching that crime documentary all day. The one I told you about,” he confesses. “I’m still piecing together my conspiracy theory.”

  I sit on the edge of the bed, crossing my legs. I keep a certain distance between us for now. “How are you feeling?” I ask, my brows pinched together in sympathy. I still feel awful for being the reason Kai ended up getting hurt the way he did, and I haven’t yet told him how I messed up again today. He doesn’t know that I’ve made everything much worse than it already was, simply because I couldn’t control my impulses. “By the way, I’m returning your bike. You need it more than I do, so I’ve put it in your back yard.”

  “Thanks. And let me think,” Kai says, then lifts his shirt and prods at his ribs with his fingers. I try not to stare, but it’s near impossible to stop my heart skipping a beat at the sight of his abs. The smooth curves of his waist, the hem of his boxers . . . “A little bruised, but I doubt I’ve fractured anything. And my face? Well, I guess it just looks badass.”

  I crawl across the bed and lie down next to him, staring up at the ceiling, my hands pressed to my face. “It’s my fault,” I mumble, my voice full of remorse. “You were right. We should have stopped all of this yesterday, and Harrison would have never found out that you were helping me.”

  I sense Kai shift from beside me, and when I drop my hands from my face, I find him propped up on one elbow and staring down at me. His smile is lazy. “And who was the one who suggested we do this in the first place?”

  “You . . . But we never meant for it to get this bad, did we?” I sit up and cross my legs, anxiously fidgeting with my hands in my lap. I can’t look at him. “Kai,” I say. “After the fight . . . I was so mad. I couldn’t stop myself.”

  Concern slowly fills Kai’s tender gaze. “What did you do, Nessie?”

  “I never told you about some photos I found on Harrison’s phone,” I admit. “I was holding on to them, but I didn’t ever plan to use them. They were nudes.”

  Kai snorts, and I snap my eyes up to give him a firm look. This isn’t funny right now. The regret is eating me up and I’ve spent the entire afternoon wishing I could take back what I did. In fact, I wish I’d never started any of this in the first place. I should have just dealt with Harrison face-to-face in a more mature manner. At least then I would have been the bigger, better person.

  Instead I chose to retaliate.

  “I stuck one of the photos on Harrison’s locker,” I say. “It seemed like a good idea in the moment. Sort of like we’d come full circle. I wanted to make the final move. But now . . . now Harrison will just hit us back even harder!”

  I shouldn’t have printed out that photo, and I definitely shouldn’t have taped it to Harrison’s locker for the entire school to lay eyes on – it was a step too far and I hate myself for letting things get this bad. Kai and I
should have never made this into a game.

  “I’m sure my ribs can handle another beating.”

  “Kai!” I hiss. His sarcasm and teasing, for once, are getting on my nerves. I need him to level with me, to be serious and reassure me that we’ll get through this, because right now, I really don’t know if we can. I already burst into tears yesterday morning when Harrison and his friends cornered me in that janitor’s closet, and today Kai has sustained too many cuts and bruises to count. We’re done.

  “Then we’ll tell Harrison that it’s over,” Kai says calmly. “Like, we’ll strike up a peace deal. He doesn’t screw with you anymore, and we won’t screw with him. He’d be an idiot to ignore that.” Kai moves his body closer to mine and surprises me when he rests his head in my lap, staring at the TV. “Can you play with my hair?” he asks.

  I gently weave my fingers through his curls, feeling their softness against my hands. I run my fingertips down to the shaved section of his hair at the nape of his neck, massaging as I go. We sit in silence for a few minutes while my hands move over his head, and I wonder if he’s napping. “Did you ask me over so I could soothe you to sleep?”

  “No,” Kai says, “I wanted to see you.” He twists his body around so that his head is still in my lap, but now he’s looking up at me. The corner of his mouth curves into a smile. “I think this has been the longest we’ve gone this week without having seen each other.”

  One hand is still resting in Kai’s hair, the other is on his chest. I look down into his eyes and I can’t remember a time when they were ever unfamiliar to me. Monday feels like so long ago. “Right? We’ve spent so much time together that I feel like I’ve known you for months.”

  “You wish you’d known me for months,” he says, his smile transforming into a grin.

  “Thank God you got kicked out of Central,” I say with a laugh. “Otherwise I may never have been anything more than that girl who spilled her drink on you.”

  “Aren’t you glad that I worked up the courage to talk to you in the school office?”

  “You know I am,” I whisper, and I run my eyes over him, taking in his gorgeous features. I touch the tip of my finger to his eyebrow, then softly skim my thumb over one of the grazes on his cheek. He parts his lips a little, and I touch the cut on his lower lip too. His gaze is locked on me as I draw a map between every little cut and bruise on his face.

  “Then kiss me,” he breathes.

  I lean down and tentatively press my lips to Kai’s. I’m still holding his head in my lap and we remain still, our mouths together, until he reaches up and rests his hand on the back of my neck. He pulls me closer against him, kissing me harder. My heartbeat is pounding in my ears. Kai sits up, never breaking the kiss, his hand wrapped into my hair as he hovers over me. He presses his chest into mine, pushing me backward until my head hits the pillows. I lock my arms around the back of his neck, keeping him close because I never want to let go. Kissing Kai is much more than I’ve ever felt. It’s electrifying, sending sparks all through my body. It makes me realize that this is what I want.

  Kai is what I want.

  The room is so silent, the beating of our hearts the only sound. His body is above mine, his hands are tangled in my hair, his tongue is in my mouth. The kiss deepens, quickens, both of us surging with desire. I can’t get enough of Kai Washington. I wish I’d known him forever.

  I push against him, arching my back and lifting my body off the bed. Kai rolls over, taking me with him so I’m on top now. Our lips never break apart. His hands are wandering. They’re in my hair, they’re on my hips, they’re pulling at the belt loops of my jeans. I tug at his T-shirt and we separate for the first time while Kai helps me pull it over his head. He kisses my face, my neck, my collarbone. His lips are firm and moist. He sits up, holding me close against his bare chest as I weave my fingers back into his hair.

  Kai’s hands are under my top now. His hands are warm against my skin, sending goosebumps all down my back. We both know which line we’re crossing here. We know what happens next.

  And I’m desperate to cross that line. I want Kai to kiss his way down my body, I want to feel his skin against mine, I want to share this moment with him. But I also don’t want to cross that line yet.

  I don’t want to rush things with Kai. For once in my life, I want to take things slow, to get to know him some more. Things are different with him. This isn’t just a fling, or some new guy who I’ll get bored of after a couple months. I feel . . . excited about the possibility of Kai and me. And that’s something I’ve never felt before. I don’t want to ruin it. I want to wait a little longer. Now isn’t the right time.

  “Stop,” I say, breathless. I cup Kai’s face in my hands and hold it still, gazing back into his cool, blue eyes. They are glistening.

  “Sorry,” Kai says. He’s holding me close, and he instantly drops his hands to my waist. I gaze down at his chest, almost sure I can see his heart beating. Concern crosses his features. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m great. You’re perfect,” I reassure him, pecking my lips to his. I hook my arms around his neck and let out a sigh. “It’s just that . . . I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet. With you. And not because I don’t want to,” I babble, “because I do. I really do, but I want to wait. Is that okay?”

  “Actually, I was kind of thinking the same thing,” Kai says, glancing down as he grows shy. He runs his hands from my waist down my thighs, over the denim of my jeans. He sheepishly looks up at me from beneath his dark eyelashes. “And trust me, I want this too, but I’m a little old fashioned. It should mean something, you know?”

  My face instantly falls. His words are like a punch in the gut. “What’s that supposed to mean, Kai?” I say.

  “Oh God,” he groans, his eyes widening. He shakes his head fast and grabs my hips. “Nessie, I didn’t mean it like that. I swear.”

  But I’m already pushing him away. I swing my body off his and slide off the bed, grabbing my jacket from the chair. My cheeks are flaming with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. I can’t even look at him now, so I keep my back to him as I angrily pull on my jacket. “I know what you meant,” I say bitterly, my voice quiet. I should have known that my reputation defines me, and that of course Kai can’t ignore that. “You think I’m easy, right? I thought you were different, Kai. You told me you didn’t judge me, but clearly you do.”

  “Vanessa,” Kai says. He comes from behind me, reaching for my wrist. “I don’t think that.”

  I spin around, my entire body engulfed in rage, and shake his hand off my arm. “Well, why not? It’s true,” I snap at him. So much for trusting Kai. I’m humiliated even just standing here in front of him, knowing that he thinks of me the same way everyone else does. He knows I don’t believe in relationships, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want sex to mean something. “I guess it doesn’t matter that for you I wanted to wait. It’s like you didn’t even expect me to.”

  Kai blinks fast, his forehead creased with alarm. “Nessie, c’mon,” he pleads, stepping closer to me. He’s still shirtless. “I just meant that I’ve only ever been with a girl I was in a relationship with, whereas you’re more casual. That’s okay, of course. But those other guys can’t all mean something to you.”

  “Wow,” I say. I blow out a breath of disbelief at the words I’m hearing.

  “Shit,” Kai mutters, pressing his hands to his face as though he wants to shove everything he just said back into his mouth. But it’s too late now. His words have already stung, their poison spreading straight to my core. “I’m screwing this all up. You know I don’t care about that stuff. Your past and stuff. It doesn’t matter, Nessie.”

  “But yet it’s so obvious that you do care. And my name,” I say through gritted teeth, “is Vanessa. Only the people who matter get to call me anything else.”

  I snatch my car keys from the dresser, and turn for the door. I storm downstairs in a fit of rage. As if I let myself feel something for a guy who
thinks I’m incapable of having feelings. I’m so embarrassed and disappointed, I have to fight to hold back my tears.

  Kai is close on my heels as I stride down the stairs. He keeps trying to call out for me, to reach for my hand, but I’m too wrapped up in my own fury at him.

  “Leaving already?” Cindy says as I cross the living room, surprise evident in her voice, but I can’t even look at her. I slip on my shoes and walk straight out the front door, trying my best not to slam it behind me.

  The second I’m outside, the tears break free.

  19

  I dump the Green McRusty out on the street and then run for my front door, still wiping tears from my cheeks. I could cry in the privacy of the car, out here alone in the middle of our neighborhood where no one will notice me, but all I want is my own bed right now. My own pillows. My teddy bear. And it’s not like I’ll need to hide from Dad. He didn’t even notice me leave earlier, so why would he notice me return?

  I throw open the door and keep my head down as I head for the stairs. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Dad at the kitchen table, huddled over his laptop again. He’ll most likely be carrying out more research for this vacation to Ireland he expects us all to take next summer, because exploring our Irish ancestry was one of Mom’s big dreams that Dad never paid attention to while she was still alive. Now he’s trying his best to make up for it. To honor her wishes, I guess.

  I step one foot on the stairs, sniffing as the tears stream down my face. Kennedy is in the living room, staring at the TV while she strokes a blissed-out Theo. We are all so distant in this house, each of us trying to get by in our own way. Kennedy and I carefully avoid talking about Mom in fear that Dad will break down further, and I push the boundaries of a normal teenage existence in an attempt to have my father notice me.

  “Vanessa?” Dad says. I freeze on the spot, my hand on the banister, surprised to hear Dad say my name. I look over, my eyes puffy and swollen. He immediately rises from the table and removes his reading glasses. “Are you crying?”