Mark frowned. Which doesn’t say much for me. I guess I never truly loved Todd, because what I thought was love for him has died.
* * * *
“What’s wrong,” Austin asked. He had the feeling he knew. “If it’s what I think…” He held up a finger to stop Mark from saying anything. “I suspect, no I know you must have loved Todd, once upon a time. I don’t think you’d have put up with him if you didn’t. It wasn’t until you finally understood he’d never leave his wife for you, that you started to fall out of love.”
“I was still stupid enough to believe he would, until the end. I hoped I was as important to him as she was, as his kids were. I should have seen a long time ago he was using me. But then I’ve said that before. No sense beating a dead horse.”
Austin smiled. “Feel free to beat it as long as you have to, until it stops hurting. Okay, maybe not the best way to phrase it. I’ve beaten myself up for two years about something I had no control over. I know it, now.” He touched Mark’s shoulder briefly, to be certain he was paying attention. “You had no control over how Todd chose to live his life. Yes, you could have walked away, but deep in your heart you wanted, maybe needed him to love you as much as you thought you loved him.”
“Because it was easier to stay with him than to go out and find a life of my own,” Mark replied sourly. “To find out I might have real worth to someone else as more than a…a fuck buddy.”
Austin spread his hands. “And there you have it. You used him to hide from the possibility you might find, as you implied, another man to fall in love with who would love you in return. Maybe because you didn’t believe in yourself enough to think it could happen. I used Jon’s death as a way to keep from taking a chance, too. Don’t look for someone else, because the same thing might happen again. Hiding away, the way I’ve been doing, and I won’t ever be hurt like that again.” He paused, then said softly, “Damn. It’s exactly what I have been doing, isn’t it? I hadn’t realized it until this moment. At least not consciously. I’ve let fear rule my life.”
* * * *
“We’re quite a pair, aren’t we? Both of us believing it’s easier to hide behind our fears, rather than taking a chance on…” Mark was going to say ‘love’, but all things considered, as they were barely moving into something he’d call friendship, he said, “living” instead.
Austin nodded. “On opening ourselves up to possibilities.” Taking a deep breath, he said, “Maybe it’s time to start.” Then he laughed, startling Mark. “All this talking’s made me hungry. Someone said something about supper, I think?”
“Yep. It won’t be fancy. Like I said, burgers, and maybe home fries.”
“Sounds good to me.”
When they got to the kitchen, which was larger than Austin’s by a good deal, Austin asked what he could do to help.
“Cut up the potato?”
“Only one?” Austin replied as he took it and the knife Mark handed him.
“I go shopping tomorrow, so yeah, only one left. Also the reason we’re having burgers. It’s all the meat I have at the moment. Unless you’d rather have a frozen dinner.”
“Umm, no. I eat too many of them as it is. The bachelor’s standby, I think.”
“You made stew, last Saturday,” Mark pointed out.
Austin chuckled. “Another standby. Then freeze what’s left for another day.”
“You plan ahead,” Mark replied as he made patties from the hamburger. By then, Austin had the potato cut into wedges, which Mark put in the microwave, telling him he’d put them in the pan when they were ready, to sear the outsides, “So they at least look like fries.”
A few minutes later, with everything cooked and coffee made, they sat down to eat.
“I take it Sunday’s are when you shop, you said, and probably clean house,” Austin commented. When Mark nodded, since he’d just taken another bite of his burger, Austin asked, “What do you do on Mondays?”
“Nothing exciting. Read, watch TV, maybe take in a movie or go for a walk. When the weather’s warmer, I sometimes go to the zoo, or the botanical gardens.”
Austin nodded. “The zoo’s open year around, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“It might be fun to see the animals playing in the snow.”
Mark looked at him, his lips quirking up in a smile. “Are you trying to suggest we find out if they do?”
“It would get us out of the house. Something I, for one, should do more often. Of course you do it five days a week, because of your job, so you probably like vegging on your days off.”
“Not if I had someone to do things with. Do you really want to go to the zoo?”
“Sure.” Austin grinned. “It’ll be us, and probably a thousand grade school kids on their field trips.”
“No doubt. Okay, you’re on. This Monday.”
Chapter 8
“Are we still on for the zoo?” Austin asked when Mark answered his phone Monday morning. They had traded numbers Saturday night, something Austin figured was another step in their growing friendship.
“On? I’m dressed and ready to go. Okay, not in my coat and boots, but…” Mark laughed. “I was about to call you to ask the same thing.”
“Great. I’ll meet you out front in ten?”
“Yep. Your car or mine?”
“It’ll have to be yours. I don’t own one.”
“You don’t? Oh, okay. See you in a few.”
Austin was pretty sure Mark had a good idea why he didn’t have a car. Mark did ask, though, while they walked to the lot behind Mark’s building, so Austin told him. “At first, right after Jon’s death, I was, quite honestly, terrified of getting into a car. I didn’t have much choice, however, when my folks showed up.” He smiled briefly. “They wouldn’t take no for an answer, because there was too much to do that required going places.”
“You’re all right with it now, I hope. It’ll be a long walk if you aren’t.”
“I’m fine. It’s…I can ride but I don’t want to drive. Besides, I’ve found out there aren’t many places I go where I’d have to.”
“Grocery shopping?” Mark asked while unlocking his car.
“I have a large backpack. About the only thing I can’t get in it, and have room for anything else, is TP and paper towels. I’ve got a big tote bag for them.” Austin said as they got into the car. “I try to make certain I don’t run out of both in the same week.”
“I bet you do.” After driving out of the lot, Mark said, “If you want, you can come with me when I food shop.”
It took a moment for Austin to reply, wondering if saying ‘yes’ would make it seem as if he were imposing on Mark. But it was his suggestion. “Sure. Thanks.” He grinned. “That way, I can get the large, money-saving packs of TP and towels, and at the same time, if necessary.”
Mark chuckled. “There is that.”
It hadn’t snowed, except very lightly, since the storm the previous Saturday, so the streets were clear. It didn’t stop Austin from keeping a tight grip on the armrest.
“I have airbags,” Mark pointed out when he noticed what Austin was doing.
“So did Jon’s car. They didn’t deploy.” Austin realized he was able to say the words without the resulting pain from remembering the accident. He wasn’t impervious to the feeling of loss, but it didn’t hurt as much as it would have even a week ago. “I’m getting better at talking about it, thanks to you,” he said as he loosened his grip.
Mark glanced at him. “I told you you would. It’s better than keeping it all bottled up inside.”
Austin smiled. “Have you ever thought about being a therapist on the side?”
Mark’s reply was a snort of amusement.
A few minutes later, they were getting out of the car in the zoo’s parking lot. Looking around, Austin laughed, pointing to a dozen or so school busses lined up in their reserved parking spaces in front of the entrance. “Let’s see. Guessing at fifty to sixty kids per bus, we’ll be de
aling with…” He did the math in his head. “Approximately six to seven hundred holy terrors.”
“Not a big fan of kids?” Mark asked with a grin.
“One or two are okay. I can even handle several at a playground, as long as their parents are supervising them.”
“I’m sure these kids will be well supervised,” Mark replied when they got to the ticket window.
“Your words, and all that,” Austin muttered.
As it turned out, Mark was correct. They did run into some groups of students, all well-behaved if somewhat noisy—most of them inside the various buildings housing animals that didn’t do well in the cold.
“I didn’t realize how many animals like the snow,” Austin commented as he and Mark meandered down the paths. “Polar bears, I figured, but the big cats?”
“Snow leopards, for sure, and Siberian tigers.”
“Moose, elk, and, wow, beautiful,” Austin exclaimed, pausing when he saw the arctic wolves, deep in one of the enclosures.
“What are you looking at?” Mark asked.
“There.” Austin pointed. When Mark said he couldn’t see anything, Austin put his arm around Mark’s shoulders, pointing again. “Right past the pine tree.”
Mark tensed. Austin started to move his arm, thinking his touching Mark, impulsive as it was, had upset him. Then Mark said, “They are beautiful. Almost invisible until you showed me where they were. You have great eyesight.”
“Practice, from watching you,” Austin replied with a grin.
Looking at him, Mark lifted an eyebrow. “Really, huh?”
“Yep.” Austin winked before they returned their attention to the wolves, his arm still around Mark’s shoulders.
From there, they visited some of the other enclosures where the animals were outside. They’d decided to pass on going into the buildings after the first one, because the noise level from all the kids was ear-shattering, as Mark put it.
* * * *
It was mid-afternoon by the time they left the zoo. “We could hit up the botanical gardens,” Mark said once they were on the street.
“I’ve been outside long enough. My toes are half frozen,” Austin replied. “I opt for hot coffee and a sandwich.”
“Your place or mine?”
“I was thinking a coffee shop, but I’m fine with my place. I’ve got plenty of sandwich makings.”
“Sure.” Mark made the turn toward where they lived, then had a thought. “Is this keeping you from your editing?”
“Nope. The nice thing about being freelance is I can do it when the spirit moves, as long as I don’t miss deadlines. Right now, I don’t have one coming up for a couple of days.”
“Okay.”
As he drove onto their street, Mark found he was checking for any sign, like a rental car, which said Todd was around. There weren’t any, much to his relief.
“Do you think he’ll show up, despite you telling him it’s over,” Austin asked.
“I’m that easy to read? No, not really. Habit, I guess. I’ll get past it in time.” He drove around to his parking spot behind his building, and then they crossed the street to Austin’s place. When they were inside Austin’s apartment, and had shed their outerwear, Austin put the sandwich makings on the dining table and started coffee brewing.
“Where did you find tuna salad like this?” Mark asked, opening a container.
“It’s a combo of store-bought, with added chopped tomatoes, shredded cheese and spicy-sweet mustard. I think you’ll like it.”
Mark took a taste, deciding he did. Austin made his sandwich with sliced turkey, tomatoes, and horseradish mayo.
“To days off, spent with a friend,” Mark said, lifting his coffee cup once they were seated. “This has been fun. More fun than I’ve had in a long time, when I had a day to myself.”
“I agree. Well, not on the day off part. I can take mine whenever I want.” He paused to take a bite of his sandwich. “Something I haven’t actually done in too long.”
“Then it’s time to change things. Next Monday, a movie?”
“I’m game.”
“And then, humm, ice skating, museums, bowling, the gym.”
“Huh? The gym? You belong to one?” Austin asked.
“I go to one, on and off, but it’s never too late to go regularly. Right?”
“I…guess?”
Mark grinned. “You spend all day sitting. It’s time to get off your ass and work out before it gets any bigger.”
Austin harrumphed. “There’s not a damned thing wrong with my ass just the way it is.”
“Got you!” He’s right; it’s a damned fine ass. Not that I should have been looking, but still…
Austin rolled his eyes. “Maybe I’ll take time out from my busy, and I use the term loosely, schedule to come by your shop. I told you, I think, I’ve never been into one.”
“No time like the present, but not next Saturday. We’ll be bombarded with people renting costumes for Mardi Gras, which is a week from tomorrow.”
“Do you dress up?” Austin asked.
“Not it this lifetime. Not for Mardi Gras, not for Halloween, not for any holiday. By the time they arrive I’ve had it up to my ears with costumes, as much as I may like them—on other people.”
“I’m sure.”
They stopped talking until they’d finished eating. Mark cleared the table, while Austin put away the sandwich makings. Then, with fresh cups of coffee, they settled on the sofa.
“Now comes the ‘what do we talk about next’,” Austin said. “So I’ll start. Have you ever been to Mardi Gras?”
“Nope. I haven’t been much of anywhere. Dreamed about it, but it’s hard to get away when I have to keep my business running. Have you?”
“Yep. Jon and I went down there a year after we met. It was fun. Crazy, but fun.” He went on to tell him about the parades, the tourists who swarmed the Quarter for the holiday, and the great food.
Mark noted, while Austin was remembering the trip, he did so with a smile or a laugh, depending on which part of it he was describing. There was a trace of sadness in his expression at times, when he mentioned Jon, specifically, but not the deep pain which had been there since the first time Mark had met him.
Austin must have realized it, too, because when he finished, he said, “You’re good for me, I think. No, I know. You’ve helped me come to a sort of peace about what happened. Thank you.”
“No thanks necessary. It’s what friends do,” Mark replied, meaning it. We are friends, now. Not close friends, yet, but I think we will be. Perhaps even more? He tamped down on the last thought. He knew neither of them was anywhere near close to moving on in that direction, with each other or someone else.
“My first friend in way too long,” Austin said with a wry smile.
Mark didn’t blink an eye, saying, “I’m what you deserve as a friend, for window peeping on me.”
“It was not peeping,” Austin protested before he got that Mark was teasing. Then he laughed. “I could have done worse.”
“We both could have, I think.”
“No kidding.” Austin got up to refill their cups, which made Mark wonder if he was trying to distance himself from what had suddenly become as somewhat personal conversation. He figured he was right when Austin turned on the TV before sitting down again. The news was just over, which was fine with both of them. After Austin surfed the channels, they ended up watching a reality talent show, placing bets on who would or wouldn’t make it to the next round.
“Score one for me!” Mark exclaimed when the show finished. “And before you find something else I won’t be able to resist watching, I’d better head home.”
“Today was fun,” Austin said as Mark put on his coat and gloves.
“It was. I’m glad we’re planning on doing it every Monday.”
“Barring another major snowstorm.”
“If it happens, we’ll spend all day vegging in front of the TV, or building snowmen,” Mark replied, gri
nning.
“Sounds good to me. Okay, I’ll see you in a couple of days.”
It took Mark a second to get what he meant. “We open at nine, so don’t show up at the crack of dawn.”
Austin snorted. “I don’t usually get up before eight, so we’re both safe.”
“Lucky you,” Mark grumbled as he left the apartment. When he was down on the street he looked up at Austin’s balcony, not in the least surprised to see him standing there. They waved, then he crossed to his building. As he rode up in the elevator he was smiling. He is definitely not Todd, and that’s pretty damned great.
Chapter 9
“May I help you?” the woman at the counter asked when Austin walked into the costume shop late Tuesday morning.
“I’m looking for Mark,” he replied.
“He’s in the showroom, helping customers.” She returned her attention to the couple who wanted to rent the costumes he’d seen them hang on the rack beside the counter.
Austin went through the double-wide doorway and entered chaos—controlled to be sure, but still in his eyes, chaos. There were six rows of costumes running the full length of the showroom, with people in all the aisles. Some were looking; others were pulling costumes off the racks to hold them up to themselves while they asked their companion what they thought. One woman with an armload of dresses was heading to one of the four curtained dressing rooms along the side wall.
Good lord, how does he deal with all this?
Austin found out when he finally spotted Mark in the middle of one of the aisles, answering a customer’s questions before taking them to a rack of what appeared to be flapper dresses.
Mark turned to another customer who had been waiting for his help, saw Austin, and smiled, holding up two fingers. Austin nodded before walking up another aisle. It was filled with men’s costumes from the Roman era to the sixteen-hundreds, according the signs above the racks. He paused to look at medieval robes and tunics, admiring the handiwork it had taken to create them.
“You’d look good in one of those,” a pleasant, if slightly harried looking woman said.
The Man on the Balcony Page 6