by E. F. Benson
“I suppose he would. He is clever,” said Alice, “and criminals are so short-sighted. They make the obvious mistakes. But Jack would make a ripping criminal.”
“That is just it. As a detective Jack would overlook the obvious things because they are so obvious. Consequently, he would never find out anything, because criminals always make stupid mistakes, not clever ones. Jack never found out that the mine man cheated at baccarat, for instance. Oh, I forgot, you guessed that. Look, there’s Ted. How badly he rides!”
“And he never finds out about Ted,” remarked Lady Haslemere, with extreme dryness.
“Never. You see, there’s nothing to find out. I always tell him what a darling Ted is, and so he never thinks he is a darling. I’m very fond of Ted, but—but— After all, frankness pays better than anything else, especially when you have nothing to conceal.”
Lady Haslemere considered the proposition for a moment, but found nothing to say about it.
“How is the mine man?” she asked abruptly.
“Green bay-trees. So he must be wicked. A few nights ago, when he dined with us, I asked him to sing after dinner, and he sang a sort of evening hymn in four sharps. Don’t you know the kind? He has a really beautiful voice, and it nearly made me cry, I felt so regretful for something I had forgotten. Now, that shows he must be wicked. Good people only make me yawn, because they try and adapt themselves to me and talk about worldly things. And it is only wicked people who sing hymns with real feeling, who make me want to cry. Luckily, they are rare.”
“And the mines?” asked Alice.
“Well, Jack is excited about the mines, like Haslemere with the wire puzzle, and when Jack is excited it means a good deal. He told me that if things went decently we should be solvent again—it sounds like a chemical—in fact, the mines are playing up. For to make Jack and me solvent, Alice, means a lot.”
They had reached the Serpentine, and Kit dismounted and rested by the rails. It was a typically fine June day. The sky was cloudless, the trees were comparatively green, large wood-pigeons wandered fatly about, and childlike old gentlemen were sailing miniature yachts across the water.
“What a pity one is not a person of simple pleasures!” remarked Lady Haslemere. “There is an old gentleman there who takes more delight in his silly little boat than you do in the prospect of solvency, or Haslemere even in a new wire puzzle. How happy he must be and how dull! I think dulness is really synonymous with happiness. Think of cows! You never found an absorbing cow, nor an unhappy one. The old gentleman has eaten a good breakfast; he will eat a good lunch. And he has probably got a balance at his bank.”
“It’s all stomach,” said Kit regretfully—“all except the balance, I mean.”
“Yes, that’s what it comes to. So we shall play detectives tonight, Kit.”
Kit started; she was absorbed in the toy yacht.
“Detectives? Oh, certainly,” she replied. “But I almost wish we were wrong about the whole concern.”
“The mine man cheated,” said Alice, with decision. “I was thinking of asking Tom whether he saw.”
“Oh, don’t do that,” said Kit. “We don’t want a scandal. Look!”
A squall shattered the reflections in the calm water, and the old gentleman’s toy yacht bowed to it and skimmed off like a swallow.
“Oh, how nice!” cried Kit, who was rapidly taking the colour of her surroundings. “Alice, shall we save up our money and buy a little toy yacht? Think how happy we should be!”
“If you are going to play the milkmaid, Kit,” said Alice severely, “I shall go home. I won’t play milkmaid for anybody. Playing gooseberry to Toby is nothing to it.”
Kit sighed.
“Dear old gentleman!” she said. “Alice, I would give anything to be an old gentleman with white whiskers and a silly little yacht. Yes, I know, it is an impossible dream. About the baccarat, what were you saying?”
“I have things to say, if you will be so kind as to attend. Try to forget about your white whiskers, Kit.”
“Yes, I will. There were no such white whiskers.”
“Last night,” said Lady Haslemere, “I lost two hundred and forty pounds and sixpence.”
“How sixpence? What small stakes you must have been playing! Was it the game where you try to get nine?”
“Yes,” said Alice, “and I lost the sixpence because I dropped it on the floor. I don’t know how I got it, and I don’t know what happened to it.”
“Like Melchisedech,” put in Kit.
“Exactly. Anyhow, I dropped it, and it just shows what extraordinary people people are. We all took candles and grovelled on the ground looking for that sixpence. Losing it annoyed me more than I can say. I didn’t care so much about the rest.”
“I should have cared much more,” said Kit very fervently. “But you are quite right. And it explains to a certain extent how a very rich man like Mr. Alington can cheat over a few shillings.”
“I dreamed about the sixpence too,” said Alice. “I thought my salvation depended on it.”
Kit did not reply at once.
“That seems inexpensive,” she said at length. “I would go as far as that. Look at the yacht—oh, I forgot, I mustn’t look at the yacht. Alice, I believe these mines are a big affair. Jack got up this morning at nine in order to be in the City by half-past eight, and it takes a lot to make him as punctual as that. Are you going to take a hand in them?”
“I want to, but Tom says no. He says he has more opportunity of judging, or something tedious, and will make enough for us both. He is willing to invest for me, but that is no fun.”
“That is so like Jack,” said Kit. “He wants me to have nothing to do with the mines. He expects to make enough for two, which is absurd, considering that nobody can possibly make enough for one. But I shall call myself Miss de Rougemont, spinster, care of the Daily Chronicle, or something, and so invest.”
“Have you got a little nest-egg, dear?” asked Alice sympathetically. “How nice! I always have, but the stupid cards ate a big piece of the yolk last night.”
“I know; they do. But, on the other hand, they fill it up again. I expect most women have nest-eggs of some sort. It may be money, or virtue, or vice, or secrets. Well, I’m going to drop mine slap into the Australian goldfields.”
“I intend to be cautious,” said Lady Haslemere. “But just to spite Tom I shall risk something. Tom was most tiresome and interfering. He says women know nothing about business. A lot he knows himself! If I had to pick out one man eminently unfitted to be director of anything, it would be Tom.”
“I can’t have Jack left out in the cold like that,” said Kit.
“They are a pretty pair. Tom’s honest; that is all that can be said for him.”
Kit screamed with laughter.
“I bet you that Jack is as honest as Tom,” she said. “But that is just the way with your family, dear. They all think that they have a monopoly of the cardinal virtues, just as Mr. Leiter thought he could have a corner in corn. But, seriously, I do hope and trust that Alington’s mines are sound. Think how the Radical papers would shout if something—well, if something untoward happened. Salaries, you know! Supposing the British public dropped a lot of money and there was an inquiry? Personally, I think Jack is rash to be chairman. He is paid for his name—he knows that perfectly well; but directors are supposed to be dimly responsible. And his boss cheats at baccarat! Also I think he shouldn’t have a salary as director; that doesn’t look well.”
“That will surely be periphrased in the accounts, won’t it?” asked Alice.
“I hope so; periphrasis covers a multitude of cheques.”
They had got round to Hyde Park Corner again, and rode slowly through the gate into the roaring street. Kit’s eye brightened at the sight of life; she forgot about her dream of white whiskers.
“I think gold-mines are an excellent form of gambling,” remarked Alice. “You can play directly after breakfast. Now, one can’t play cards dire
ctly after breakfast. I tried the other day, but it was a hopeless failure. Even naturals looked horrid by daylight.”
“Gold-mines are a tonic,” said Kit “You take them after breakfast like Easton’s syrup, and they pick you up wonderfully. You should see how brisk Jack is getting in the morning.”
“Well, au revoir, dear. Half-past eight, isn’t it? May Tom come too?”
“Oh yes, and Haslemere if you like,” said Kit, turning up Park Lane.
“I don’t like,” called out Alice shrilly, going straight on.
Kit giggled at intervals all the way home.
Mrs. Murchison’s cup of happiness was very full that evening. Though the quiet little dinner had grown about eighteen, yet everyone was of Kit’s own particular set, and it was what Kit called a “Christian dinner”—that is to say, everyone called each other by their Christian names. “So much nicer than a heathen dinner,” she said to Mrs. Murchison. “You may meet cannibals there.”
Mrs. Murchison herself was taken in by Tom Abbotsworthy, and it is doubtful which of them enjoyed their conversation most. She was enchanted to find herself with him, and her own remarks were really memorable.
“I just adore English society,” she said over the first mouthfuls of soup. “Our brightest talkers in America cannot be compared with the ordinary clubmen in London. And the dinners, how charming!”
“You find people amusing?” asked Tom.
“Yes, and the substantiality of it. Not only the viands and the drinks, but the really improving conversation—the—the tout à fait.”
Tom had the greatest of all social gifts—gravity.
“You think people have less tout à fait in America?” he asked.
“There’s none of it; and now I come to think of it, I mean tout ensemble. How quick of you to see what I meant! But that’s just it. My heart—and I told Mr. Murchison so the first time I saw him—is English. My head may be American, but my heart is English. Those were my words, ipse dixit.”
“Very remarkable,” said Tom.
“The air of dignity,” continued Mrs. Murchison (soup always thawed her), “and the simile of tastes which I find in England! The wealth without ostensity—I should say ostentiousness! The solid comfort and no gimcrackiness!”
“I am afraid you will find plenty of gimcrackiness if you go to the suburbs,” said Tom.
“I haven’t yet projected any trips to the suburbs,” said Mrs. Murchison with some dignity.
“Of course not. The proper definition of suburbs is the place to which one does not go. They are merely a negative geographical expression.”
“Well, I’m an Anglophobe,” said Mrs. Murchison with conviction; “and I believe nothing against England, not even its suburbs. But what would you say, Lord Abbotsworthy, was the main tendency of the upper classes in England?”
Tom was slightly puzzled.
“Tendency in what line?” he asked.
“By tendency I mean the direction in which they are advancing?”
“We are advancing towards America,” he replied, after a moment’s thought. “That is where our fiction goes, and that is whence our inventions come.”
Mrs. Murchison dropped a large truffle off her fork, and remained a moment with it poised.
“I guess that’s deep,” she said. “I shall cable that to Mr. Murchison.”
Tom wondered silently whether Mr. Murchison would be as much puzzled by it as he was himself; but his wife proceeded to elucidate.
“The fictions are the inventions, you mean,” she said. “The one goes to where the other comes from. The oneness of the two countries, in fact. The brightest thing I’ve heard this summer,” she observed.
Tom was lost in contemplation at the thought of the deep gloom in which all else that Mrs. Murchison had heard this summer must be involved, and he was grateful when that lady, after a reflective pause on his dazzling remark, changed the subject.
“What a lovely man Lord Evelyn is!” she said.
“Lord Evelyn? Oh, Toby! Yes, he’s an excellent fellow.”
“By lovely, I do not refer to his personal appearance,” said Mrs. Murchison, “for that is homely. But by lovely I refer to his happy and amiable disposition.”
“You have hit him off completely,” said Tom. “Happy and amiable is just what Toby is.”
Mrs. Murchison’s mind went off for a moment on a maternal excursion at the sight of Lily and Toby, who were talking eagerly together, but came quickly back again.
“And the vivacity at present depicted in his face is considerable,” went on Mrs. Murchison in a burst of analytic intuition. “I just adore vivacity. Vivacity without screaming, Lord Abbotsworthy, is what I just adore. Mr. Murchison is very vivacious; but to hear him when he is being vivacious, why—you’d think he had the chicken-pox—I should say whooping-cough.”
“That must be very alarming until you are used to it,” said Tom.
“It is that. And the choking fit which sometimes ensues on his hilarity—why, I have seen times and again his life hung by a hair, like the sword of Demosthenes at Belshazzar’s feast.”
Mrs. Murchison delivered herself of this surprising allusion with the most touching confidence. She liked a well-turned sentence, and repeated it softly to herself.
“Such anxieties are inseparable from the union of the married life,” said Tom in a voice that trembled slightly.
Kit from the other side of the table had just burst out into a loud meaningless laugh, and he suspected that she had overheard.
“That’s what I say,” answered Mrs. Murchison; “and that’s what the Prayer-Book says. The joys and the sorrows; the opportunities and the importunities.”
This was slightly cryptic, but it was probable that importunity was to be taken as the opposite of opportunity. Tom chanced it, though he did not seem to remember anything in the Prayer-book which suggested the widest parallel to Mrs. Murchison’s quotation. She went ahead in such a surprising manner in conversation that it was really difficult to keep up. She positively scoured the plains of thought.
“You find the opportunities, I am sure, much more numerous than the importunities,” he said, faint, yet pursuing. “Yes, champagne.”
“And that’s just beautifully put, Lord Abbotsworthy,” said Mrs. Murchison.
The tide of conversation changed, and set to opposite sides. Toby and Lily alone refused to obey the action of the tide, as if they were a rebel moon, which demanded a system of its own, refusing allegiance elsewhere, and continued to talk, regardless of the isolated unit they left on each side of them. Mrs. Murchison, who liked the agreeable hovering of the mind over first one subject and then another, which reminded her, she said, of the way in which the puma birds in the Southern States sucked honey from various flowers without alighting, was instantly involved in a sort of double-barrelled conversation with Lord Comber about the check system of baggage, and the relative position of women in England and the United States of America.
As dinner went on conversation became louder and more desultory. No one listened particularly to what anyone else was saying; the tendency for everyone to talk at once (this may have been the tendency of the upper classes which Mrs. Murchison had inquired about) became more marked, and the inimitable atmosphere of laughter was abroad. At Kit’s house everyone always left the dining-room together as soon as cigarettes were handed round, for her excellent social sense told her that when people were getting on well (and at her house they always did), it was absurd for a party to go through the refrigerating process of isolation of the sexes, and waste time in thawing again. Besides, she considered it obsolete for men to sit over wine; nobody ever drank now, it was only in England that so absurd a form was kept up.
Some of the party were going on to a vague elsewhere, and Mrs. Murchison’s eye caught Lily’s soon after ten. She was most anxious on this first occasion not to outstay her welcome.
“It’s been just too charming, Lady Conybeare,” she said; “but Lily and I must go. We’v
e got to go here and there, on and on till morning.”
Kit rose. Her plan was prospering, for Lily and Toby were still talking together, and she felt particularly pleased with herself and everybody else.
“Too unkind of you to go,” she said; “and if you don’t come to see us again very soon, now that you know the way, I shan’t forgive you. Send me a line any day and come to lunch. I am almost always in for lunch. And has Toby been making himself pleasant, Miss Murchison? He can when he likes. I saw him shaking with laughter at something you were telling him at dinner, and I longed to shout across the table and ask what it was. Good-night! Too tiresome that you have to go! Conybeare and I are going to be very domestic this evening, and not set one foot out, but sit and play cat’s-cradle together when the others have gone. Mind, I only let you go under the distinct understanding that you will come back very soon, unless we’ve bored you both beyond forgiveness.”
Jack went down with them to the front-door, and Kit as far as the head of the stairs, where she kissed her hand and looked regretfully after them, with her head a little on one side. As she expected, Mrs. Murchison gave one backward glance as she went out, and Kit kissed her hand again, smiling. Then, as soon as the front-door closed, she hurried back in a brisk business-like manner to join the others.
CHAPTER IX
THE PLOT MISCARRIES
Some ten or twelve people only remained in the drawing-room when Kit returned, for several had taken their departure before the Murchisons, and Toby seemed to be a target at which was being fired some straight, hard chaff. As usual, he was looking serene and pleasant, but it seemed to Kit that his smile at this moment was more the result of habit than of any entertainment that the chaff afforded him.
“Toby has made an impression,” explained Alice, “and he’s too modest to acknowledge it.”
“Dear Toby, you made an excellent impression,” said Kit, taking his arm, as he stood rather hot and stiff under the chandelier. “I’m very much pleased with you, and I’ll remember you in my will.”
“If he’ll promise to remember you in his!” said Jack, who had returned from speeding the parting guest. “That should be worth something.”