She shook her head in denial. “Nonsense. Tonight’s events were all my fault. I’m the one who…misbehaved. You were gentleman enough to keep me from doing something I would have regretted. I should be thanking you instead. Now, let’s get this kitchen cleaned up before we are both kicked out of this house to live on the street.” Emma handed him the broom while she busied herself with scraping the flour off the cabinets. Colin stood in the middle of the kitchen floor holding the broom trying to figure out what to do next. When he didn’t move for a few minutes, Emma turned to him. “Is there a problem? Do you truly not know how to use a broom?” She teased.
“Yes, I know how to use a broom. I was just…you know…wondering if there was something we needed to talk about. You know…about something you may have regretted.” He stammered. He wasn’t usually this awkward around women. On the contrary, he was quite the lady’s man in his day—
And there it was…right on time.
Memories of that day…all those deaths… flooded his mind and drowned any joy he might have had. Amidst the crushing, cold wave of guilt, any joy he might have felt was washed away.
His guilt reminded him of the bloodstains on his hands. He had no right wanting anything from this life and yet, being here with Emma, getting to know her…it made him feel things he shouldn’t. It made him dare to want things he had no right to want. And it made him wish there could be a future so that he and Emma could have that second chance at life.
“What is it, Colin? What’s going on? You’re pale. Almost as if you’ve seen a ghost. Tell me what’s going on in that complicated mind of yours.”
He shook his head in denial. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes, Colin. I’m an expert at hiding my feelings. I know when someone is wrestling with their conscience. And it looks like that’s what you’re doing right this minute.”
She took the broom from his hand and push him into one of the chairs. “Tell me what it is that has stolen your life from you, Colin. I promise I’ll understand.”
Colin looked back into the eyes of the woman that had stolen his heart in just a few hours. It was as if they had been brought to this town to find each other. He wanted to tell her everything…the whole ugly story. And somehow, he knew she wouldn’t judge him for the part he played in the death of so many. He knew she was the kind of woman who would understand how he had come to be in that place of indecision that allowed the senseless destruction of a company of men. Somehow, he sensed she would forgive him, but he also knew that she wouldn’t—no, she couldn’t—look at him the same way she did now, and he didn’t know if he could survive the pity in her eyes.
Survive. It was a word he hadn’t dare to use in such a long time because he felt he didn’t deserve what it meant. And even now, he wasn’t naive enough to think he deserved anything, and yet…here was this woman looking at him with her heart in her eyes, and, for the first time in a long time, it made him feel as if there might be a way to earn a second chance at life.
“I can tell you want to share this horrible burden deep down inside you, Colin. I’m here for you. God is here for you. All you have to do is trust us.” Emma pleaded with him.
She was right. He did want to share the details of that awful day, but…
“Colin, would you mind joining me in the library? I’d like to have a word with you.” Quinn’s voice called to him from the other room. He looked at Emma and realized he had been about to tell her everything. For once he was glad for his brother’s intrusion in his life because the last thing he wanted was to see disappointment and regret in Emma’s eyes.
“I should go. Quinn has summoned me.” He tried to joke, but his words fell flat.
“Colin, tell him to wait. Talk to me. Tell me what happened,” she pleaded.
But the moment was gone. “I’d better go. Maybe we can talk…later,” he offered, hoping to erase the disappointment from her beautiful face even though he knew he could not allow himself another weak moment.
She nodded in resignation. “Alright, maybe later.” He knew by the way she said it, she didn’t believe later would come either. “I’d better go.”
Chapter 14
Emma stood in the kitchen after Colin left to join his brother in the library. Her heart was heavy. It felt like a stone sitting at the bottom of a well. She had almost convinced him to tell her what troubled him, but the moment was lost thanks to his brother.
Anger fueled her efforts to clean the kitchen. She whacked and slapped and swiped at everything until it shined like a star on a Christmas tree. Finally, her frustration got the better of her. “Damn it to hell.” She cried out to the empty room.
“Emma, are you alright? Has Colin done something he should be held accountable for?” Sarah rushed into the room and pulled Emma into a warm hug. Emma’s simmering emotions spilled over and she allowed her tears to fall.
“No. Yes. I don’t know.” Emma sobbed on her friend’s shoulder.
“You don’t know if he’s done something?” She knew she wasn’t making any sense, so she pulled herself together enough to explain. “I feel like he thinks he’s done something to be held accountable for. That’s the reason he drinks and tells everyone he doesn’t deserve to live. But I don’t know what that is. He was about to tell me when Quinn called him to the library.” She tried not to sound miffed about it, but in truth, she was.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m sure if Quinn had known, he would have waited to talk to Colin. But if what Quinn and I walked in on is any indication, you’ll be getting another chance to talk to him.”
Emma searched Sarah’s face. “So you know that we were…up to more than cooking?” Embarrassed, Emma busied herself with cleaning the kitchen, but since she had already scrubbed it clean, there was nothing left to do. Or pretend to do.
“Sarah, I can explain,” Emma offered, wiping her hand nervously against her apron.
“Emma, there’s nothing to explain. Colin is a very handsome man and you are a beautiful young woman. There’s no harm in getting to know each other. There’s nothing to explain.”
“But it wasn’t like that,” she offered, although she wasn’t certain if she were trying to convince Sarah…or herself. Because it was like that. Emma felt something when she was near Colin. She just wasn’t certain what that something was. At least not yet. She hoped Quinn and Sarah didn’t turn her out for behaving in such a wanton way before she figured it out.
Sarah shook her head. “Wasn’t like what, Emma? Like a woman being kissed by a man? Or like two people getting to know each other to see if there could be something more between them?”
Emma saw the compassion and understanding in Sarah’s eyes. “You asked me earlier if I had feelings for Colin. I wasn’t sure then, but now…yes, I have feelings for him. Strong feelings. In fact, I fear I’ve fallen in love with the man.”
“Isn’t that a good thing? You seem troubled by the news. Come, let’s sit and have some tea. There’s nothing on this earth that a good cup of hot tea and a warmed over cinnamon roll can’t cure. At least if there is, I haven’t found it yet.” Sarah offered her a chair and Emma took it while her friend prepared the pot of tea. Soon, the kitchen smelled of warm tea and cinnamon rolls and Emma had to admit, it was a soothing combination.
Sarah served them, then took a few bites of her roll and a sip from her teacup before she returned to the conversation. “I know what I said earlier…about being careful of Colin. I think he’s a good man, like his brother. I just think he’s been through something horrible and his mind is having trouble dealing with it. Give him time to tell you what it is that troubles him. You two will be able to find a solution and then you can move toward a happily-ever-after.”
Emma wasn’t so sure it was going to be that easy, but she was certainly willing to keep an open mind. She had caught glimpses of the real Colin Cassidy and she knew that was the man she had fallen in love with as silly as it sounded. After all,
he was the same man as the combative, hostile man that drank whiskey to a fault. What worried her was where did one man start and the other one end? And could the two be separated so the good one remained and the troubled one disappeared forever? She wasn’t certain it was possible, but she was willing to try anything.
Chapter 15
Colin left the kitchen and met his brother in front of the fire. “You wanted to have a talk? I suppose now is as good a time as any.”
Quinn nodded. “Why don’t we go to the library for some—” His brother stopped short and Colin knew he was going to invite him for drinks. He saw the chagrin on his brother’s face.
“It’s okay, Quinn. I am still capable of having a nightcap without getting roaring drunk. At least, I think I can. Time will tell, of course.”
Quinn turned and led the way to the library. Colin followed him and Quinn closed the door behind them. “I thought we could use this time to…talk.” His brother poured them both a sherry. Quinn handed him the tiny crystal glass with a thimble amount of ruby-colored liquor in it.
Colin watched his brother choose one of the winged back chairs by the window and point to the other one. The small table between them was the only barrier he had against what he knew was coming.
He sat down and decided to take the initiative and confront his brother head-on. “Look, Quinn. I know what it looked like…when you and Sarah walked in on me and Emma…but it’s not what you think,” he said and looked at the glass in his hand for support. There wasn’t enough reinforcement there so he set it down on the table and studied his shoes.
“And what is it you think I’m thinking?” Quinn asked him. Now, why couldn’t his brother just say what was on his mind without Colin having to guess? If he guessed wrong, then he could be opening up a whole new can of worms to deal with. Oh well, how bad could it be?
“I assume you are thinking that I’m acting inappropriate with your houseguest and that I should be horse-whipped or taken out and shot or perhaps hung in the town square.” Colin was only half-joking.
“That seems a little severe for simply having a little harmless fun with a pretty young girl, don’t you think?” Quinn offered, catching Colin off-guard.
“I suppose that’s true…under normal circumstances. But the situation between us…between she and I…is anything but normal, wouldn’t you agree?”
“And why would I think that?” Quinn’s words seemed innocent, but Colin was sure there was more there than what his brother revealed.
What was his brother up to and why was he being so understanding?
Colin sparred words with his brother. “I would think that obvious.” He grabbed for his tiny glass of sherry and downed it looking to bolster his courage.
“You might think it obvious, but I’d like to hear exactly what you think about your situation.” Quinn pushed again.
Colin had no idea what he thought about the situation. Hell, there was no situation as far as he was concerned. Emma was a pretty girl. Very pretty, in fact. And he admired her… her spunk and her willingness to take the blame for them being found in the saloon. She seemed very loyal. And he did like the way her warm body felt pressed against his. And that kiss…he had never been carried away by a woman’s passion before. Not like that. He could admit that part of it came as a shock, but how did he feel about what had happened between them? He had no idea.
“Um…well, I can’t really say. Not with any certainty. I mean we kissed.” He wasn’t going to tell Quinn she had kissed him first. It would be ungentlemanly to kiss and then tell about it. Quite ungentlemanly indeed.
“Do you have feelings for her?” Quinn pushed for an answer.
“No. Yes. I mean…I don’t know. I shouldn’t have feelings. For her or anyone else. Besides, I’ve only just met her. It would be asinine on my part . . . to have feelings for someone I just met. Don’t you think?” Suddenly he was very interested in Quinn’s take on the situation.
“Asinine, huh? To want to spend time with a pretty girl. Get to know her and perhaps find a purpose for the future, instead of…” Quinn’s words drifted off into silence. He stood and poured another thimble full of sherry into each of their glasses.
Sudden understanding hit and Colin wasn’t certain he liked where his brother was going with this line of questioning. “Ah, now I see why you’re being so supportive. You’re hoping you can pass your no-good drunk of a brother off on Little Miss Charleston for safekeeping. Well, you can forget it, Quinn. There’s no future for me and Emma. None whatsoever. I don’t plan on hanging around that long and she…deserves better than someone…like me.”
“Colin, don’t you think that’s quite a jump in logic there? I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with you. You’ve been trying to kill yourself for more than a year and now you’re going to deny your very real feelings for a wonderful young woman. It doesn’t make senses to me why you would deny yourself a happy future—”
Colin’s blood pumped through his veins. “It doesn’t have to make sense to you, Quinn. It’s my life and my future, so stop pushing me in that direction. It’s pointless.”
His brother sat still for a few minutes letting his emotions ebb. When Quinn did speak, he brought the conversation around full circle. “You said that someday you’d tell me what brought you to this place in your life. Would you consider telling me about that now? I promise I won’t judge you, Colin. I know you are a good man at heart and whatever happened, it didn’t happen because of you.”
“You don’t know that, Quinn. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Colin wanted to run back to the saloon and grab a hold of that bottle of whiskey he left on the table. But he knew he wouldn’t even get to the door before his brother stopped him.
“Yes, I do, Colin. Whatever happened didn’t happen because of you…it happened in spite of you. I know you and if you could have prevented this terrible thing that you feel responsible for from happening, you would have.”
Colin couldn’t sit here and listen to any more of his brother’s assurances. Quinn had no idea what he was talking about. He stood and tossed the tiny drop of sherry down his throat for all the good it did. He threw the glass at the fireplace and turned to face his brother. Rage blinded him as the images of that day overwhelmed his defenses. He clenched his fists at his side. He wanted to punch something hard and bust his knuckles wide open. He wanted to feel the physical pain because he couldn’t bear the emotional pain of the truth.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong, my brother. I knew what could happen beforehand. I knew and I tried to stop the bloodshed. I should have prevented all those men from being massacred. But. I. Didn’t. Why you ask? Because I made the mistake of waiting too long to make my choice. It was my career or their lives…and I waited too late to decide. Are you happy now? Does it make you feel any better to know that your brother is a selfish bastard and an unwilling accomplice to the murder of hundreds of men?”
Quinn stared at him in shock, but he had no words of assurances for his brother…not now when he knew the truth.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Colin turned and threw open the library door banging it against the wall. He had learned his lesson last time not to leave the house without a coat, so he grabbed Quinn’s from the hall tree by the front door.
Sarah and Emma came rushing into the room, but his mind was made up. There was no redemption for a man like him. There was no future or second chances for a man guilty of causing the death of so many others. And now that Quinn knew the ugly truth, it was just a matter of time before Sarah and Emma knew too. He couldn’t face Emma knowing what he would see in those beautiful trusting blue eyes of hers.
He heard Quinn calling his name, but he ran into the darkness of the night. He wouldn’t go to the saloon. That’s the first place they would look for him. Their obligation to look after him would force them to find him and bring him back in order to save him from himself—but he didn’t want to be saved. And he would make damn sure th
ey didn’t have to worry about saving him anymore. Not after tonight.
Chapter 16
Emma sat beside Sarah in the library and listened to Quinn tell them what Colin had confessed to. But what exactly had he confessed to? Emma wasn’t certain she had all the facts. “Quinn, I know what Colin said to you, but what did he mean when he said he could have stopped the bloodshed? What bloodshed? What men? And how could he have stopped them from dying? How did they die? I just don’t know what really happened, do you?”
Quinn shook his head. “No, I admit I was in shock at hearing Colin finally admit what had happened to derail him so, but before I could ask any questions, he was out of the house and gone. I should go look for him, but I’m afraid I won’t find him this time.”
“Why would you say that, Quinn?” Emma’s fears were growing by the minute thinking of Colin out in the cold dark night thinking that he deserves to die. Please God, I pray you’ll watch over him until I can get to him. I know I can help him see the truth… if I can just find him before he does something foolish.
“Because he told me that when he decided to leave, he’d make damn sure I couldn’t find him again. And I believe him.” Quinn’s voice trembled with emotion. Sarah rushed to her husband’s side.
“Quinn, we must have faith that the Good Lord has a purpose for Colin. We have to believe that he will keep your brother safe until we can convince Colin that his life matters and his sins are not unforgivable no matter what he’s done.” Sarah tried to assure her husband that all was not lost with Colin.
Emma turned to Quinn. “Sarah’s right. We have to try to find Colin before it’s too late. He can’t go far, right? I mean, he can’t leave town without a horse or the proper supplies. It’s too late to purchase any of that tonight, even if he had the money.” Emma rationalized.
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