by Leta Blake
“Yeah.”
“Back home, everyone knew me the way I was before. Even after six years they can’t get over what happened to me. I get sick of the pity on their faces. I’d rather see people look aghast at first and then just get over it than deal with another old friend always looking at me like that.”
Joshua put his hand on Lee’s shoulder. “I don’t know why they’d pity you.” He swallowed and then just said it, “You’re so handsome.”
Lee’s face went soft. “Thank you for not saying ‘still.’”
Joshua shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from touching Lee’s cheek. “You are.”
Lee shrugged. “Maybe it’s my problem, then. Maybe I’m the one who’s changed.” He stood up and stretched his arms over his head, which caused his shirt to lift a little, revealing more scars on his stomach. “Want a cup of coffee?” he asked, gesturing to the back room of the shop. “We can talk about other things. Warm up to each other some more, maybe.”
Joshua pressed his lips together in a smile and nodded. He had some time. “Why not?”
There was a small kitchen in the back, along with a window looking out on rolling green fields and telephone wires. Lee gestured at a small table, and Joshua took a seat. As Lee set about boiling the water and producing a French press from a cupboard, he smiled at Joshua. “Tell me more about Neil.”
“Why do you want to know?
“You don’t have to say anything you don’t want. I just feel like he’s what we have in common. And I like the way you look when you’re talking about him.”
Joshua watched as Lee carefully poured the grounds into the press. Not many people wanted to hear about Neil anymore. Most of his family and friends were of the opinion that it was well past time he healed up and moved on. “All right. What do you want to know about him?”
“You said you met when he blessed you out over your dog and then basically stole her from you.” They both laughed. “But how did you fall in love after that?”
Joshua’s stomach flipped. He didn’t know if it was anxiety at being offered a chance to talk about Neil, or a reaction to the bubbling attraction he felt for Lee. He delayed until Lee had joined him at the table, waiting for the familiar sound of boiling water to begin. “Well, it was a slow start between us, but I fell fast.”
Oh, how Joshua rued that he had refused to ever do more than kiss Neil for fear of what that would mean. He’d come out in the end, hadn’t he? Alone and grieving, he’d shouted his queerness to his family, and no one had turned their backs on him. If only he’d been brave enough before Neil was gone.
But he’d been young, and he was learning to forgive himself for that.
He wondered what Lee needed to forgive himself for. He supposed there was only one way to find out, and maybe that involved being the first to open up. He could be brave enough to do that. Besides, it really was good to have an opportunity to talk about Neil.
“It started with Magic, like you said, but I was slow on the uptake,” Joshua began. “Mainly, because I didn’t realize he’d stolen my dog, as you put it, until he’d stolen my heart, too.”
April 2011—Nashville, Tennessee
Joshua crossed his arms over his chest, sulking as Magic raced after yet another tennis ball he’d thrown, only to bring it right to Neil’s feet instead of his. The dog park was crowded for a Tuesday afternoon, probably because the weather was finally decent after a wickedly cold winter and a wet spring. Green flowed from grass to tree, and the sky shimmered a hot, thick blue.
Magic’s black fur rippled over her quivering body as she waited eagerly for Neil to pick the ball up and throw it for her. He bent gracefully and did just that, demonstrating a form in his pitch that Joshua hadn’t anticipated given his normally uptight, tense way of holding himself.
“So are you done being mad now?” Joshua asked.
The entire walk from the apartment, Neil had been on his phone yelling at one of his lab assistants, and Joshua had wondered if he should really be crushing on a guy who had such a cutting tongue. Would he talk to Joshua that way if he got angry? What would happen if Joshua got vulnerable with him and opened himself up?
Not that he ever would. Or could. It didn’t matter if Neil was hot and sexy. It didn’t matter if he was so good with Magic that it melted Joshua’s heart and half his brain, too. It didn’t matter that when Neil yelled at his assistant, Joshua just wanted to sling an arm around him, hug him close, and kiss him until he shut up. Because Joshua wasn’t acting on those thoughts. Ever. He knew better than that. He just needed to shove them down deep into a box and keep on going.
“I’m done being mad,” Neil said, but he didn’t sound like it. His voice still held an edge of irritation. “Where’s Paul lately? Haven’t seen him coming or going.”
Joshua stiffened. Neil asked about Paul a lot when he was picking Magic up or dropping her off, or just telling Joshua that he was keeping her like he was prone to do of late. “His grandpa’s sick back home in Scottsville. He had to take a leave from school to help out.”
“Ah.” Neil glanced at him out of the side of his eye, and then bent to retrieve the ball Magic had brought back to him. She gave a little jump and bark of delight. He threw the ball even farther. “How do you feel about that?”
Joshua wrinkled his nose. Was Neil Russell, nanite researcher at Vanderbilt and grumpy-ass, dog-stealing neighbor really asking him about his feelings? And why? “I hope his grandpa is okay, I guess. It’ll be hard on everyone if he dies.”
“Will it be hard on you?” Neil narrowed his blazing blue eyes on Joshua. Then he made the hand motion he’d taught Magic early on. It meant ‘down and stay,’ and Magic did just that. She dropped to the dust at Neil’s feet, panting, and contented herself with watching the other dogs play.
“Not really? I mean, if Paul moves out, paying the bills will be tough, but…” He shrugged. “I mean, I don’t really know his grandpa.”
Neil’s brow quirked. “And my grad students say I’m cold. Wow. Blizzard levels here.”
“Why?”
“Your boyfriend’s grandpa is on the brink and you’re just worried about the bills? I’d say your relationship is headed over the falls, too, in that case.”
“Paul isn’t my boyfriend,” Joshua whispered, looking around to see who might’ve overheard. “I’m not…” Joshua swallowed down the word gay and the lie along with it. “I mean, he’s my friend.”
“You’re not what?” Neil glared at Joshua, obviously daring him to deny himself.
“Paul’s my friend.”
“Got it. And you’re not what?”
Joshua swallowed hard and stared at Neil’s lips. They were held tightly, ready to bite out more sharp words if necessary. Joshua told the truth. “I’m not into him.”
Neil’s mouth twitched, and then he nodded sharply. “Good.”
“Good?”
“Yeah. Good.”
“Good because…?” Joshua swallowed hard, adrenaline making him lightheaded. “What? You don’t like gay guys?”
Neil laughed then, hard and long, bending over to put his hands on his knees, his straight shoulders shaking with the force of his laughter. Joshua had never seen him lose it like that.
“What?”
“Oh, I like gay guys,” he said, between getting his wind again and wiping at his eyes. He stood up straight and graced Joshua with one of his rare smiles. It was so sweet and bright that it almost hurt to see. Then he gripped Joshua’s bicep hard. “I like them a lot.”
Joshua swallowed hard, gathered his courage, and confessed, “I’m gay.”
Neil’s expression softened. “Me, too.”
“You’re the first person I’ve told.”
Neil stared up at him for a long moment before jerking his head back the way they’d come. “Let’s head back. I’ve got beer in the fridge and a Takeout Taxi menu in my junk drawer.”
“I don’t know. I haven’t ever…”
Neil rolled his eye
s. “We’re just going to talk.”
Joshua looked around to see who might be watching as Neil put his hand out as though to take hold of his. And then, with a rush of feeling like none he’d ever known, electric and hot, Joshua took the offered fingers.
Then he let Neil guide him and Magic home.
September 2018—Scottsville, Kentucky
“So you talked?” Lee asked.
“We talked.” Joshua sipped his coffee. “This is good, by the way. What brand do you use?”
“But you didn’t just talk,” Lee said with a wink as he reached behind him and grabbed the tin of coffee off the counter to show him the label.
“We did actually. That first day, anyway. I was way too skittish about who I was and how I felt to do anything more. Just holding his hand felt like a life-or-death event.”
“I get it. When I came out to my family, I was terrified, but it was hardest to come out to myself. Admitting the truth of my feelings was scary as hell.”
Joshua bit into his lower lip, considering Lee for a moment. “I had wondered…”
“If I was gay?”
“Yes.”
“I hope that’s because you’d be willing to go on a date with me.”
Joshua closed his eyes, heat in his cheeks.
“Is that a yes?” Lee asked.
“Why would you want to?”
Lee laughed. “You’re handsome, kind, and obviously a loving guy. Why wouldn’t I want to go out with you?”
“I feel like maybe I’ve misled you.”
Lee’s eyebrows drew down, and he seemed to brace himself. “How’s that?”
“I’m not the blushing virgin I was when Neil took me back to his apartment.”
Lee chuckled. “I’d hope not.”
“But not because of Neil…”
Lee’s dark eyes grew quizzical. “I’m not sure I understand.”
“I never slept with Neil. Before…yeah.” He swallowed thickly. “Before he died.”
Lee’s eyes softened. “I’m sorry.” Then he put his hand out and touched Joshua’s wrist. “I’m not sure what that has to do with me asking you out? Or how you’ve misled me?”
“You have this idea of me as this loyal grieving widow, but the truth is different from that.”
“I don’t follow.”
“I loved Neil. I loved him a lot, but I never gave him—” Joshua broke off. “I never gave him all of me. I saved sex because I was afraid that being with a man wasn’t meaningful the way it was supposed to be. That it was a sin like I’d been taught. In the end, the guy I was with? It was meaningless because I didn’t love him, not because of his gender. Afterward, all I could think was that I’d betrayed Neil. So that’s the kind of man I really am. A coward.”
“Do you really think so?” Lee took Joshua’s hand, squeezing gently. “In your heart of hearts, is that what you think?”
Joshua felt hot tears behind his lids. What was wrong with him? Why was he confessing this to Lee, a virtual stranger, and then crying about it like some hurt little kid? Like he was back to being the old Joshua in Neil’s apartment, too young and dumb to love himself?
Lee squeezed Joshua’s hand again. “You haven’t misled me at all. You’re the man Neil fell in love with, and I see exactly why.”
Joshua wiped at his eyes with the back of his free hand and whispered, “Do you?”
“Yeah.”
Joshua cleared his throat, but he still couldn’t look at Lee when he said, “I’d like to go out on a date, if you still want to.”
Lee chucked his chin up, gazing into his eyes. “I can’t think of anything better.”
Chapter Three
January 2019—Atlanta, Georgia
Neil hated trucks. Alice didn’t understand why, but the sight of a semi-truck had been enough to set him off from the day he was born. It all came together one night when he was seven, and he presented her proudly with a comic book he’d made in his art class.
The comic was a gruesome thing, and it was accompanied by a note from his teacher requesting a conference to discuss it.
The opening scene of the book showed a man in a hospital bed with his chest open, his purple lungs and heart exposed for all the world to see. Next to him stood a man with a sharp knife, possibly a scalpel, and brown eyes. The dead man on the hospital bed was labeled with a very precise arrow and the word “ME.”
The next panel showed a man with light-brown hair, dark brown eyes, and a wide smile; he was labeled, unsurprisingly, “JOSHUA.” Then there was a drawing of a black dog labeled “MAGIC.” Alice touched the drawing carefully. She’d heard less about Magic than about Joshua over the years, but the dog wasn’t a surprise, either.
The next page declared it ten hours earlier. This was followed by a sequence of comic panels showing Magic and a man running on a sidewalk in a city, Magic breaking free of her leash, and the man dashing after her.
And then a truck. A semi-truck.
The next page showed Joshua crying, and the final page was back to the man on the hospital bed. This time he was missing some limbs. A green-scrub-covered surgeon off to the side clutched a heart. It was not a Valentine’s Day heart. No, of course not. This was her Neil, so it was a very detailed drawing of an anatomical heart, complete with aortic and thoracic valves and lots of blood dripping off the surgeon’s elbow. No wonder the art teacher wanted to meet with her.
It was times like this she was grateful that Jim was deployed again.
“You were hit by a truck?” she asked Neil, carefully setting the comic book on the coffee table, amidst his clutter of tech journals and gadgets.
“Yep,” he answered, looking up at the ceiling with pursed lips. “It sucked.”
“Yeah, I can see that it would.”
“Magic…” He frowned. “I think she died, too. I tried to save her. But I think I was too slow. I think if she’d lived, I’d know.” His lips twisted. “Poor Joshua.”
“Yes.”
“I guess you can’t expect to go up against a semi-truck and win. But I didn’t even think. I loved her and…” He sighed. “I wish I’d saved her.”
And again, Alice felt guilty. She knew now where he’d come from, and where he longed to be. Somehow, she almost felt like it was her fault that he was only a small child and not already grown man who could go find his Joshua and start his life with him over again.
“I think ‘sucked’ might be an understatement,” she said.
Neil chuckled, a rarity that warmed her soul.
“I don’t think Shakespeare had enough curses to cover it,” Neil commented and then went to his room to poke at his latest project again: an experiment that involved dealing with nanites and rapid cellular repair.
Sometimes she was afraid to ask.
July 2020—Atlanta, Georgia
Alice left Neil with Marie when she went to meet Jim at the old house. She’d moved out and into a new apartment a few days before he returned from his latest deployment abroad, and she had no intention of telling him where they were living now. She didn’t trust him not to stalk them or worse.
“What the hell, bitch?” Jim asked, waving his arm around the empty living room. “You took my shit?”
“It wasn’t your shit,” Alice said softly. “It was our shit. And I’m leaving you with the house and the money in our joint account. I’m not asking you for anything more, Jim. Not another cent. So, please…just let us go.”
“‘Please let us go,’” Jim mocked. “Like I want you or your little bastard around anyway. Freakish little brat.”
Alice didn’t defend Neil. It was pointless, and it would only piss Jim off more. She had to concentrate on one thing, and one thing only: getting out of there unharmed and securing his agreement to sign the divorce papers.
She noticed the empty beer bottles by the clump of blankets on the floor. Most of the blankets still had their price tags from where he’d purchased them at Walmart. When her eyes flicked back up to his face, she swallowed
and wished that she hadn’t come alone. She should’ve taken Marie up on having her brother, Shane, come with her.
“He wasn’t even Marshall’s,” Jim said, spitting out the word. “My best friend died thinking that kid was his. Lying cunt.”
Alice quivered and started to back up toward the front door of the house. She’d told Jim before, a hundred times, she’d never been with anyone else. There had only been Marshall, and then him. But she knew where this conversation ended up, and she was just glad that Neil wasn’t here to see it because he’d blame himself, like he always did. And it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help who he was, or who he’d been born to be.
The first punch was always the hardest to take, and Alice only had to suffer through three before she managed to wrench the front door open and stumble outside, clutching at her ribs and trying not to cry. The neighbor, Mrs. Chandler, was smoking on her front stoop, and she waved at Alice cheerily, her smile fading as she took in Alice’s face.
“Need help, darlin’?” she called out.
Alice shook her head, fumbled with her car keys, and got the car door open. She glanced over her shoulder to see Jim standing in the doorway, one hand on the jamb, the other on the door itself, shaking his head at her and glaring menacingly, almost daring her to come back.
Mrs. Chandler looked between them and then stubbed out her cigarette and went inside.
Alice took a deep breath and drove away.
She didn’t go straight to Marie’s house, though. She wanted to get herself together before she picked up Neil. She hated to see the guilt on his face when he knew that Jim had hurt her. He wasn’t a very open child, but when he did feel something, he felt it deeply, and she’d seen the way he looked after her fights with Jim in the past. Dark circles would appear around his eyes, and he’d spark inside with a rare warmth, a sad, guilty devotion and affection that made up for everything awkward and trying about him, and he’d stroke her hair while she cried.
There were times when she felt like the world’s worst mother for allowing him to do that, to comfort her that way, but most of the time it just felt like the two of them against the world, and she was growing accustomed to that.