by Leta Blake
“You, too.” Joshua smiled a little at his firm grip.
Salt-and-pepper hair and a weathered face made it clear that Fisher was a good ten years older than Paul. He was a chiseled guy, wearing an old Army T-shirt and jeans, and bearing himself with the ramrod straight self-assurance of an ex-military officer. His bear-paw hand was rough and calloused. It turned out he was a mechanic and they’d met when Paul brought his car in for some work.
Lee stepped out of the front door, and a whole new round of introductions took place. As they walked inside, Fisher’s big hand stayed on Paul’s lower back. Lee directed them into the living room where drinks were served and a discussion of how best to barbecue the steaks began. Lee and Fisher went out back to start the grill, and Paul chattered on about their life in Nashville, and how eager he was to see his grandma.
Slowly, Joshua relaxed. It was good to see Paul again. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as he’d thought it would, even when Paul brought up Neil and Magic.
“He loved that dog. Wasn’t that into me, though, was he?” Paul said, leaning against the counter separating the kitchen from the living room. “He used to stare at me back before you got together, and if laser beams could have shot from his eyes, I’d be dead.” He chuckled and tossed back the last of his bourbon. “Got any beer?”
“Sure,” Joshua said, turning toward the refrigerator and pulling out four, then popping the lids on two. “I thought he stared at you because he was into you,” Joshua admitted with a chuckle. “I was jealous as hell.”
Paul laughed. “You always were an idiot when it came to knowing a guy was interested.”
“Neil was hard to read.”
“True. Lee isn’t. He’s wild about you.”
Joshua grinned. “He is, isn’t he?” He gazed out the window to the back patio where Fisher and Lee were laughing and gesturing at the grill. “He’s brought me back to life.”
Paul came around the counter and pulled Joshua into a big hug. He pounded Joshua’s back and said, “After Neil and Magic, I was scared we’d lose you, too. But you pulled through it. I’m proud of you. Neil would be proud of you, too.”
Joshua’s throat closed up, and tears stung his eyes. He pulled away and punched Paul on the shoulder. “Asshole. Don’t make me—” He waved at his face.
Paul grinned. “Let’s take these beers out to our men.”
That night in bed, Joshua cuddled up with Lee and wondered what Neil would’ve said about Fisher being so much older. Joshua chuckled.
“What?” Lee had asked.
“Just thinking about Neil.”
“And you’re smiling. That makes me happy, babe.”
Joshua shrugged. “He made me happy. And seeing Paul today, hearing him talk about Neil, it reminded me that I shouldn’t let his death change that.”
“Nope.”
Lee kissed his head and after a respectful moment said, “So, this Fisher guy. Paul’s a bottom.”
“Seems like,” Joshua said.
Lee cackled softly and grabbed Joshua’s ass, squeezing. “Can’t believe Neil ever thought you and Paul were together.”
Joshua laughed. “I know. Neil was rarely wrong, but when he was, he was extra wrong.” He grew thoughtful. “Paul and Fisher are probably happy staying at Barren River, and they said Chris gave them one of the best rooms with a good view, but maybe we should have asked them to stay with us?”
“Where?” Lee asked. “Our place is kind of small. Oh, wait, were you thinking they could stay in our bed? Naughty, naughty Joshua.”
Joshua rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at Lee’s head. “We could turn the office into a guest room like we keep talking about.”
“In a few hours’ time? I don’t think so.” He laughed again. “I think a foursome is clearly the only solution to this problem.”
“Don’t be a smart-ass.”
“Also I like the office.” Lee reached into the bedside table for a bottle of lube. “Let guests stay at Barren River or another hotel. That’s what hotels are for!”
“True.”
“Now, get on your hands and knees. No more talk of foursomes.”
Joshua laughed. “I kind of think Paul would flip out if that happened.”
Lee snorted, guiding Joshua up to his hands and knees and running a finger over Joshua’s sensitive anus. “Just Paul, huh? You know I’m kidding, babe.”
Joshua didn’t manage to ask if the lack of additional bed partners was something Lee regretted because he tended to lose track of his thoughts when he was being fingered open with such focus and determination.
Then Lee was over him and in him, taking his time and letting Joshua fall apart on his cock, before he pulled out to shoot onto Joshua’s back. Lee kissed Joshua’s sweaty neck and gave him three of his fingers to ride. Joshua moaned and writhed on them while he worked to bring himself off, until finally a string of curses fell from his lips and come splattered the sheets below.
“All mine,” Lee whispered as he rubbed his come into Joshua’s skin and then pushed his cock back in for a second round. “Not sharing.”
Joshua squirmed as Lee pounded his prostate. He didn’t want to share either.
Chapter Five
August 2022—Scottsville, Kentucky
There was something going on. In the past several months, Joshua had started to become somewhat paranoid that Lee was having an affair. There were whispered phone calls in the kitchen late at night that ended abruptly when Joshua walked in. Plus, Lee had been getting home late from the shop so often that Joshua decided to drive down there himself one evening to hang out since Lee couldn’t break away. But the shop had been closed up and the lights were out. Lee was nowhere to be found, and calls to their mutual friends didn’t turn him up.
When Lee had shown up at their house later, he’d been super apologetic for worrying Joshua, and made some weird excuse about having gone on a night bike ride through the woods to clear his mind.
“Of what?” Joshua had asked.
“Just work stress, babe,” Lee had replied.
Joshua didn’t think there was anyone Lee was interested in, though. He wracked his brain trying to think of a single, solitary man that he’d seen Lee check out since coming to Scottsville. The only one he could think of was a young Mennonite man who worked in the lumber yard, Zeb Reimer. But, well, that would be a lost cause for Lee even if there was anything to be jealous about. Zeb was very devout, straight, and married with two children. And even if he wasn’t straight after all, he’d have a lot of cultural programming to get past before he’d commit the double sin of homosexuality and adultery. More even than Joshua had had to overcome in his own quest to be true to himself despite his upbringing in a conservative church.
So, no. Not Zeb.
But maybe there was someone else? Someone that Joshua had overlooked? Or possibly someone he’d never met before? There were always people coming through the store, some from as far away as Louisville or Nashville, looking to have their bicycle repaired on their long-distance bike tours. For all Joshua knew, one of them could have caught Lee’s eye and, possibly, his heart. Joshua hoped that he was being an idiot, hoped this wasn’t a case where love destroyed him again.
“Hey,” Joshua said, answering Lee’s call.
He was at his desk at the lumberyard, ostensibly working on some Stouder Lumber schedules but actually worrying about Lee and wondering if his marriage was on the rocks or not. He supposed the thing to do was to just ask, get it all out in the open, but he didn’t want to come across as unreasonably jealous if he didn’t have to be. What he needed was some proof.
“I need you to come down to the Medical Center,” Lee said.
Joshua sat up straight. “Why? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
“Everyone’s fine. I just… You’re just needed here. Can you get here as soon as possible?”
“Sure, yeah. Yeah.” Joshua stood up and started gathering up his things. “Are you sure you’re all right? Is it my mom? Da
d? Sam?”
“Shh, Joshua. Relax. It’s all fine. Just come.”
Joshua was frustrated when the call went dead before he could get any more out of Lee, and he considered ringing back, if only to ask where in the hospital he should meet him. But he didn’t want to waste any time, just in case there was something Lee wasn’t telling him. He shot off a few texts demanding answers as he raced to his car, but only got one word in reply.
Cafeteria.
The cafeteria at the hospital was completely decked out. There were streamers, and balloons everywhere, and tons of people who yelled, “Happy Birthday, Joshua!” when Joshua raced through the door.
He stopped dead, shock rolling over him. Happy birthday? It wasn’t until next month. He stared agog for a few minutes at the crowd around him, and then grinned, shaking his head, amused and annoyed with himself for having doubted Lee. Lee, who was there clapping, his face all lit up with happiness and pride at succeeding in his surprise.
Joshua took Lee into his arms and kissed him on the lips.
“I can’t believe you!”
“I can’t either!”
Joshua laughed and looked around. Paul was sitting on the other side of the room with Fisher, near a table boasting a giant cake and a podium with a microphone. Joshua started to head that way, a wide grin on his face, when suddenly, he stopped. Aside from Paul, Chris and Dale, Chris’s oldest stepson Declyn, Joshua’s parents and little brother, Sam, he didn’t know anyone in the massive crowd.
“Uh…what’s going on?” he asked, chuckling in confusion. “Did you have to hire attendees for my party or something?”
“No, Joshua.” Lee’s dark eyes softened with love. “This is your present.” He gestured to everyone in the room. “Every person in here, including me, benefited from Neil’s life. I tracked down every former graduate student of his that I could find—privacy issues made that hard, but I managed to find some. And, wow, Joshua, a lot of his lab assistants didn’t like him very much, even all these years later. Said he was impatient and yelled at them a lot. Talk about holding grudges!”
Joshua didn’t know if he was going to laugh or cry. He bit on his lip, his smile hurting, and a lump forming in his throat.
“I also found every person I could who’d received any organ donation from him after his death. Again, privacy issues prevented me from getting a full list, but I had the names of the people who’d emailed you in the past, plus others who’d given permission for you to contact them. I invited them all and their families.” He motioned around again. “This isn’t even everyone. But every person here? They’re here because they knew and admired Neil, or they benefited from his life through organ donation. So, happy birthday, Joshua.” Lee put his hands on Joshua’s shoulders and looked into his eyes seriously. “So long as all of these people exist, so long as you exist? Well, to quote Celine Dion, babe—his heart will go on.”
Joshua burst into laughter at the same time he burst into tears, pressing his hand to his mouth he tried to hold them back, but it was impossible. Lee hugged him tight.
A chant of “speech, speech, speech” began, and Joshua shook his head, not sure if he could get it together enough to even begin.
Still, Lee steered him to the front of the room and positioned him in front of the podium. Joshua cleared his throat, looked out at the room full of people, caught his mother’s eye, and cleared his throat again. She smiled encouragingly at him, her gray eyes glinting with pride. He remembered when he’d been with Neil, in the closet and afraid, he’d thought if he ever came out, he’d never see that pride in his mother’s eyes again.
Now look.
Pride for him. And pride for Lee.
Even pride for Neil, though she’d never known him.
He’d underestimated them all.
“So….” he started. “Wow. I don’t know what to say.”
There was applause at that.
“Well, first, I do. Thank you. Thank you for coming here and for remembering Neil. He was…well…he was sometimes an asshole.”
Laughter spattered through the room.
“But he was never anything but gentle with me, even when he shouldn’t have been, maybe. Even when, looking back, I wished he’d pushed me harder than he did. I know he was tough on his students, but he was only ever tender to me. And I loved him.”
Silence fell, but it lasted only a beat, and then there was more applause.
“Neil loved when his work got attention,” Joshua said. “He was always puffed up like a peacock every time his work was published or cited by a fellow researcher. He liked everyone to know that what he did was important. He wanted to change the world with nanites. And I suppose, given the work his foundation does, he has. But somehow I think he’d be appalled by this…this big show of sentimentality. He’d probably say, ‘What are you doing? This is ridiculous! Don’t waste your life on boring birthday parties for my idiot boyfriend. Go do something real with your time!’”
The crowd shuffled nervously.
“And you know what I’d say to that? ‘Stuff it, Neil. This one’s for me.’ And to all of you—thank you. So much. I…I truly appreciate it.” Joshua turned to Lee who was standing behind him, and he took his hand. “Thank you. I love you. Thank you for doing this for me. You’re amazing, and I’m so happy that I met you, and that I can have you in my life.”
“Ditto, babe,” Lee said. He jerked his chin toward the room full of people, directing Joshua’s attention back to everyone that Neil’s life had touched. “Happy birthday.”
PART TWO
Chapter Six
September 2027—Scottsville, Kentucky
Joshua woke up sweaty and sick to his stomach, on the verge of tears. It had been ‘the dream’ again. Well, one of them. He had two dreams that came frequently enough to earn that term of familiarity. At least it wasn’t the one that woke Lee up, too, though that one left Joshua less conflicted, if only because Lee knew about it. There really was no way to hide the jerking sobs that usually woke them both.
After that dream, Lee would rub his back and tell him, “It’s okay. It was a long time ago. You’re here with me right now.”
It was what he needed to hear because in the dream the present didn’t exist. He was back there, in the hospital, and Neil was dying, hooked up to machines and covered in blood, brain already dead and gone forever. And people were telling Joshua, not asking but telling him, that it was time to say goodbye, to do what Neil would have wanted, to give his organs away. So much responsibility, so much grief and pain, and he hadn’t even been prepared for it. He hadn’t known that Neil had changed his will. The terror and the gut-wrenching pain filled him up like an ocean, and he’d wake up from the dream sobbing, “Neil, Neil, Neil,” with the drumming of his heart. It was kind of stupid that it hurt that much. It had been fifteen years. He should be past all of this by now.
He’d tell Lee as much afterward, wiping the snot and tears off of his face, half-laughing, but his mouth still twisted up with old pain.
“Shut up,” Lee would whisper good-naturedly. “I hate that you hurt so much, but I love that you’re the kind of person who loves that hard. It’s selfish, but I’m glad to know that if I die, you’ll still miss me this much years later, too.”
Joshua laughed a little between leftover sobs. “You better not die on me.”
“If I could make that promise, I would.”
Joshua would let Lee hold him then, resting his cheek against Lee’s now scar-free shoulder. They had faded away two years ago when Lee had signed up for a trial of one of the highly experimental cellular-nanite treatments that Neil had been working toward before his death.
Joshua was glad for Lee’s sake that the scars had gone, but, strangely, he missed them, personally. They were part of the man he’d fallen for, the man who’d made him laugh, and love, and be happy again after he’d lost Neil. And even if they were considered by most to be unfortunate and unsightly, Joshua had loved every inch of every scar with all
of his heart.
Joshua often wondered what Neil would have thought of how far nanites had come. How excited he would have been to see the outcome of their use to repair cellular damage. Joshua could only imagine the look of excitement and power that would have come over Neil’s face when he realized what his work had accomplished.
Neil never got that chance. Instead, Neil had ended on a hospital bed with his hand in Joshua’s. And when Joshua had nightmares of that day, the pain was still intense and vital. It swelled viciously inside of him.
But that wasn’t the dream he’d woken up from all sick and sweaty. This time it was the dream Lee didn’t know about. The one Joshua dreaded the most. In it, Joshua sat at Earl G. Dumplin’s diner, sipping at his coffee and messing with the new tablet he’d just picked up, trying to program it to alert him to issues with his lumber trucks via satellite tracking, when Neil sat down across from him.
Joshua cried, “Oh my God! It’s you!”
The amount of joy that filled him was immeasurable. It was relief, happiness, and utter bliss all at once. Tears came to his eyes, and he took Neil’s hand, and he didn’t even ask; he didn’t even need to know. Where Neil had been? Why he was back? None of that was important. The only thing that mattered was he was there now. And he was perfect, and handsome, and looking at Joshua with all of the love in the world.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Joshua would always say, and he grabbed Neil close. Neil smelled the same—like soap and shampoo and his skin. “I’m so glad you’re here. We can do everything we were meant to do. We can be together.”
Neil looked happy in that way that only Joshua understood, his eyes warm and narrowed, and Joshua felt as though he was going to burst into a million joyful pieces, because he was with Neil, and he wouldn’t have to miss out on any of it now.
Then, every time, Neil would open his mouth and say, “And how will Lee feel about that?”