by Leta Blake
Rebecca nodded. “I guess it’s hard around this time of year, huh?”
Joshua cocked his head. “What do you mean?”
“Pete reminded me of it last night when I mentioned that you seemed down.”
“I’m not following. Pete reminded you of what, exactly?”
“They both died in fall. Your partners: Neil and Lee, I mean. I guess that must make autumn seem… Well, it must be kind of hard every year.”
Rebecca and Pete hadn’t even known Neil, and yet, thanks in part to Lee, and how he’d insisted that no one forget, they’d noticed a connection that Joshua hadn’t even seen until now. How had he not considered that Lee and Neil had both died in the fall? And it was autumn again now. Maybe that explained his unusual reaction to Dr. Green. Maybe both the long-ago trauma and the more recent one were playing with his mind.
Enormous relief flooded him at the thought that it was possible Dr. Green didn’t look so much like Neil at all. Maybe it had all been a trick of Joshua’s imagination brought on by a wave of unconsciously triggered grief. It tended to come and go. Joshua knew that from long experience.
His short-lived relief was crushed by a heavy thought: what if Neil Green wasn’t his Neil after all?
Joshua hoped he kept the rollercoaster of emotions from his face. “I’m going to be okay, Rebecca. Thanks for checking on me. Why don’t you go ahead and go home early. I’m closing up shop here, myself.”
Rebecca smiled kindly, moved as though to leave, and then paused. “Oh, and by the way, there’s some private stuff that came from that P.I. in Atlanta in your email. The flags on it notified my calendar that they were urgent. So, just a heads-up.” She gave a little wave and then hurried off to take advantage of his suggestion that she go on home.
Joshua’s throat went dry, and he waited until he heard Rebecca get her things to go, before ditching the file he’d been examining and accessing his email instead.
Pulling up the documents, Joshua skipped the accompanying write-up for the moment and moved on to the part that most immediately interested him. Adair had included three short videos of Dr. Green taken within the last fifteen hours, and Joshua opened those files with his heart in his throat. He didn’t know what he hoped to see—part of him longed for the videos to put an end to his obvious insanity, and another part of him felt unbearable grief at the idea that he’d been delusional all along.
The first video showed Dr. Green in a small coffee shop, grimacing over a steaming mug, while a young man with dyed black hair chattered at him. “Basically, what I’m trying to explain, is that Iron Brian was part of the mythopoetic men’s movement, and—”
Neil interrupted him. “You lost my interest at ‘mythopoetic.’”
The kid didn’t seem bothered and talked right on. “—that’s sort of relevant, because it’s rooted in Jungian psychology—”
“Jungian bullshit—” Dr. Green muttered.
“—and neopagan shamanism, which seems kind of quaint now, doesn’t it?”
“If you say so,” Dr. Green said, taking another sip of his coffee and frowning. “What is this crap?”
“The computers have been overheating the coffee all week.”
“Hey,” Dr. Green called toward the counter that Joshua could just barely make out in the background of the video. “I want my account credited! This isn’t coffee—it’s diesel fuel.”
The black-haired kid snorted. “Oh my God, freak. He probably doesn’t even know what diesel fuel is. Like, didn’t they stop using that—”
“Six years ago, not last century. Idiots. Everyone.”
“Grumble-grumble! You need some mythopoetical neoshamanism in your life, and you’d cheer right up.” The kid sparkled at Dr. Green, who seemed oblivious to his charms, and then the kid sighed and rolled his eyes. “Maybe you also need a good—”
“I’ll tell you what I need—” Dr. Green called over his shoulder again, “Credit my account, or I’ll go over your head and make sure someone else gets the illustrious job of sitting on their ass and watching coffee machines spit out crude oil.”
“You know, you’re never going to make friends this way,” the black-haired kid said, looking unperturbed. “Were you like this before? I mean, how did you get anyone to even fall in love with you back then?”
“I wasn’t like this.”
“Why not?”
“I wasn’t so fucking angry.”
“Ah.” The kid tilted his head. “You’re sure angry now. Do you want to tell me why?”
“No.” Dr. Green grimaced. “Yes. This coffee. That’s why I’m mad.”
“Right. Okay.” Dr. Green’s friend shoved the black hair behind his ears and studied him. “I’m here if you want to talk.”
Neil shrugged. “It won’t fix anything.”
“I know but…I do care. For some reason. I don’t even know why. Because you’re a dick.”
Neil smiled a little, and then said, “Tell me more about the neoshamanism crap.”
“Why should I?”
“Because it’s important to you, and I should stop being an asshole and listen.”
“Aw, it’s almost like you’re learning to be human!” The friend reached out and mussed Dr. Green’s hair.
“Believe me, I’ve got plenty of practice in that.”
And the video ended.
Joshua bit his lip, any thought that he’d only imagined the resemblance to Neil had been dispelled. Dr. Green looked more like Neil than ever, complete with eye rolls and hand flourishes that made Joshua’s stomach knot.
The second video was uncomfortable to watch. It was of Neil and a dark-haired woman, someone who looked a bit older than Joshua himself. But given the expense of the nanite creams, it was possible she was younger than Joshua and had never been able to afford the benefit of them. She and Neil sat on the bumper of her car, a newer model with autodrive from what Joshua could tell, so she couldn’t have been in terrible financial shape.
“You have to let it go, Neil,” the woman said, her eyes dark with sadness. Joshua wondered how Adair managed to get such good film without being spotted. He supposed that’s why she got paid the big bucks. “It’s time to move on. Find someone new. Like I did after Marshall died.”
“Because that worked out so well for you,” Dr. Green said.
The woman sighed. “Yes, Jim was a mistake. I was young and pregnant. I acted in desperation. But you’re nothing like me. You’ll make the right choice.”
“Exactly, Mom.” Dr. Green sighed. “I’m not like you.”
He stood up and walked away from her, heading toward a building that looked like some old-fashioned university student apartments. They reminded Joshua of the old dorms that MTSU had torn down a few years ago to replace with more up-to-date accommodations.
Dr. Green’s mother didn’t follow him, only buried her face in her hands. Joshua didn’t know if she was crying or was just in despair.
The third video was the shortest of all. Dr. Green walked toward a campus building, a frown etched onto his face, and before opening the door, he rubbed his fingers over his eyes in a move so incredibly Neil-like that Joshua couldn’t breathe. Dr. Green swallowed hard, shook himself, and said softly, “Damn it, Joshua. I’m losing my mind here.” And then he opened the door to the building and went in.
Joshua watched the final clip three times. He licked his lips and said under his breath, “Me, too, Neil. Me, too.”
Chapter Fifteen
Joshua sat on the bench outside of Barren River Resort staring at his phone.
According to the report Adair had sent, Neil Green had been born a few months after Neil Russell’s death, on January 17, to one Alice Green Martin, girlfriend of the deceased Marshall Green, and wife to Jim Martin—though she later divorced the man when Neil was eight, almost nine. The report indicated that Dr. Green had been an odd child—neighbors and teachers were on record saying that he was ‘eccentric,’ ‘tiresome,’ and—the description Joshua found most unnerving for some reason�
�‘like an angry, middle-aged man in a child’s body.’
Dr. Green had graduated at the top of his college class at the young age of fifteen and immediately started a fast track through medical and engineering school at Emory, achieving his MD and PhD in record time. And while there were opportunities for which he was suited outside of academia, he was quoted in the school digi-paper as saying, “I’m difficult and strange. The people here are used to me. I can get what I want from my career by staying. Why leave?”
In the same article, the college reporter asked him about having time for a personal life, and Dr. Green had said, “Yeah, I don’t do personal lives. I tried it a long time ago. It ended in a wreck.” The reporter had managed to rather respectfully scoff at the idea that the boy-genius had ever had any romantic prospects, and he’d asked Dr. Green, “A long time ago? When you were, what, twelve?” Dr. Green had declined to dignify that with a response. Joshua, however, didn’t find it scoff-worthy at all. He’d found it chilling.
Adair’s report also revealed that there was a rumor—not a big one, because Dr. Green was not someone targeted by a lot of gossip—that Dr. Green had a standing order in at all the local paper-book collectors for journals, articles, and books discussing reincarnation. That, too, had left Joshua sitting at his desk, staring into space, feeling as though his heart had been cut from his chest.
Could Neil have been reborn? Did Joshua even believe that was a possibility? And if it was possible—did Neil remember who he’d been, what he’d been to Joshua, and was that even something that could happen? Joshua didn’t know anyone he could ask without sounding completely insane. His mother would be no help; she’d pat him, and call him ‘baby,’ and worry. Chris’s eyes would get all concerned, and he’d suggest Joshua take more time away from work, and probably tell him it was just grief for Lee talking. Sam didn’t need the burden of wondering if his big brother had lost his mind, either. Paul would suggest a therapist, and whether or not he should engage one, Joshua didn’t intend to do so. Which left Joshua to his own counsel, alone on a bench near the place he’d last seen Neil Green.
Joshua didn’t know where to start or what to do. But he couldn’t do nothing. He couldn’t just sit and wonder. He glanced toward the door to the hotel. There was a bar in there. He imagined the soothing, obliterating bite of alcohol in his throat. It could wash all the obsession away.
Joshua rubbed his forehead and cleared his throat.
“Hey there, partner.” Chris’s voice was cheerful. His long brown hair was braided, and he was dressed in a bright orange sweater with a fall pattern on the arms. He carried a steaming thermos, and he dropped onto the bench beside Joshua. “What’s going on?”
Joshua smiled at his welcome company. He, at least, would be a distraction from the tempting fantasy of getting wasted. “You a cowboy now?”
“Nah, but you’re my partner.”
“In what?”
Chris’s bright smile nearly blinded Joshua in the midst of his angst and gloom. “Friendship! Life!”
“Oh, of course.”
Chris leaned closer. “Plus, we shared Neil once, remember. That’s something we never talk about.”
Joshua tried to smile, but the mention of Neil had hit him like a punch to the solar plexus, and he couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t heard Chris say Neil’s name in years. He’d almost started to think Chris had forgotten him. But Chris wasn’t one to cling to grief. He moved on from life’s difficulties with determination.
“Speaking of Neil,” Chris said, not seeming to notice how close to coming undone Joshua already was, or possibly thinking that indulging in memories of old times might cheer him up, “I saw this guy last week—right here on this bench, well, on that bench—” He motioned across the way. “And he looked exactly like Neil. Talked like him, too.”
“You saw someone who looked like Neil here? On that bench?”
“Yeah, looking lost as all get out. I thought I was being ridiculous, but then when his mouth opened? Boom! All Neil—just pouring out. It was wild. And kind of creepy.”
Joshua’s heart thumped in his chest. “What did he say?”
“Oh, I don’t know. He said he needed to get back home to Atlanta. I offered to have Declyn drive him to Nashville to catch a plane. He seemed weirded out by that suggestion.” Chris laughed. “But then he was gone. Just disappeared into thin air like a ghost.”
Joshua blinked. “While you were watching? He vanished right in front of you?”
“Oh! Of course not! No! Don’t be silly!” Chris laughed again. “No, I was over around that corner rounding up Declyn, and when I came back, the little booger was gone. Did I mention the guy was young? Like, I don’t know—a teenager. Younger than Declyn. And such a smart mouth on him. I sure hope he has some brains to back that mouth up.”
“Oh, believe me, he does,” Joshua muttered.
Chris leaned closer, his hazel eyes sparking with interest. “What? You know him?”
“Kind of.”
I know him, Joshua’s mind insisted. I know him like I know myself—less and less, and more and more.
“Doesn’t he look just like Neil?”
Joshua could only nod in agreement, not trusting his voice.
Chris drew close enough that his thigh pressed against Joshua’s, and Joshua could smell the coffee on his breath. “It’s bizarre, isn’t it? Who is he?”
“A doctor—well, researcher. From Emory.”
“Neil was a researcher.” Chris frowned, like he was putting it together.
“Yeah.”
“So how do you know this guy?”
“He applied for grant funding for nanite research. Like Neil.”
Chris’s eyes bugged out. “Okay. Seriously?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, the kid claimed not to know who Neil was when I asked him, but he was obviously holding something back. And I mean, come on, Joshua.” Chris shoved a stray lock of hair behind his ear. It blew gently in the wind. “Look at him, you know? So, what’s the real story? Is he related to Neil or what?”
“I—”
Chris didn’t wait for an answer. “I’m trying to remember. Neil and I didn’t talk about his family a lot. Hell, I did most of the talking. He just listened to me yammer on about all the guys I was screwing and sometimes he’d get up the nerve to hit on guys at the clubs. Or we’d watch baseball at his place and shout at the television together.” Chris tapped his front teeth with his index finger. “Did Neil have a nephew? Or a brother? Or—never mind—I doubt he had a kid of his own. He’d have told me.”
“You think?” Joshua asked.
“Yeah. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t have told me if he had a kid somewhere out there. That’s a kind of big deal, isn’t it? And, besides, Neil was really gay.” Chris elbowed Joshua. “But you know that.”
Joshua grimaced. He didn’t know it nearly as intimately as everyone assumed, or as intimately as he’d have liked. “Yeah. But maybe he donated sperm?”
“Hmm. I could see Neil doing that. Is that what happened?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I…have no idea.”
“But I thought you knew the guy from the bench. Can’t you just ask him?”
Joshua shook his head. “’Fraid not.”
He couldn’t ask Neil Green anything. He could barely even think about calling him without shaking so hard that he had to hold on to something. He glanced toward the entrance to the resort, longing for the bar again.
“Why?”
“It would seem like a conflict of interest. For the grant funding.” He never lied and now he’d done it twice in a week. But he wasn’t going to tell Chris the truth either.
“Ah,” Chris said, like that made sense. “I wish I’d gotten to talk with him longer. What was his name? He told me, but I forgot.”
“Dr. Green.”
“Right. That’s it. He was scrawny, just like you know Neil would’ve been.”
“I’m not sure Neil would hav
e appreciated that description.”
Chris grinned. “Probably not. Still, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Neil since I saw that kid. I miss him, Joshua. He’s been gone a long time, but he gave me a safe place to go when I needed one. And I’ll always be grateful for that.”
Joshua swallowed hard. Could a person be brought back to life? In another body? In a body that was exactly like the one they’d been in before? He rubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah, me, too. He gave me a safe place, too.”
Chris seemed to clue in to Joshua’s grief at that moment, and he leaned closer, touching his arm. “Joshua, are you okay? I know you’re probably still missing Lee. But it gets better. I promise. We both know that.”
“I do miss Lee, Chris, and I know it will ease over time,” Joshua said quietly, reminding him with his tone that he’d grieved hard for Neil for a long while, but had gone on to have a good life after that. “And it’s not Lee. It’s….” He trailed off. What could he say? That he’d become convinced that Dr. Green was Neil incarnated into a new body? Chris would call his mother, and she’d have them take him into the hospital for an involuntary commitment if he said that.
“It’s what? You know you can talk to me, Joshua. I’m here for you.”
Joshua forced a tight smile. “You know, Chris, I think this is something I have to deal with alone.”
He frowned. “You’re never alone, Joshua. You know that, right?”
Joshua patted his friend’s hand and forced more brightness into his smile. “I know. Thanks.”
That night, after tossing and turning for hours before finally falling to sleep, Joshua woke up sweating and sick to his stomach. He reached for the side of the bed Lee had slept on and grabbed the pillow, holding on tight.
In his dream, he’d been sitting on the bench outside Barren River, handwriting notes in a paper journal, when Neil sat down beside him.
“Oh my God! It’s you!” Joshua said, just like always.
Neil looked the same, love and affection shone in his eyes, and a small smile tugged just on the corners of his lips, almost like it was involuntary.