by M. Tasia
“I’m fine. I can handle a few bad dreams.”
Ross didn’t know what was going on, but he was going to damn well find out. This shit was eating away at James, and Ross refused to let it continue.
“Get your ass back in this bed, right now. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine, but you will not run away from me. Clear?” He surprised himself with the amount of steel in his voice, but what shocked him even more was the fact that the big guy listened.
James crawled back onto the bed and Ross opened his arms wide so that he could settle next to him. With James’s head on his chest, Ross waited for him to make his decision. He was a patient man.
After a few minutes, Ross reached down and pulled the blankets over them before settling in. If James chose not to say a word about the episode, so be it, but it wouldn’t stop Ross from trying to find a way to help him.
“What if I told you that I’m responsible for the deaths of five soldiers in my unit?” James asked in a voice that only could be described as self-loathing.
Well, that question had been nowhere on Ross’s radar. “I would need more information before I answered.”
“We were about half a mile outside a small village in Southern Afghanistan on a routine patrol when we started taking fire. I was hit in the arm but could still fight. After a full hour of engagement, we knew we were outnumbered and we had no backup within a ten mile radius. I gave the order for everyone to bug out. Three members of the team made it back to the Stryker, while two others and I were providing cover fire. Once they were safe, the rest of us began working our way to them. The turret was manned and returning fire, so we made a break for the vehicle. We were less than twenty feet away when a mortar round hit the Stryker. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital in Germany and was told it was over a week after we’d been ambushed. That’s when I learned that I was the only one found alive.”
The thought of James so close to dying made Ross’s mouth go dry, but he was having a hard time assigning blame to James.
“I’m so sorry that happened to your unit.”
“But?” James asked without looking up.
“I’m honestly sorry that happened to you and the men you served with.”
“You’re not going to try to convince me it wasn’t my fault, like the doctors, the shrinks, my commanding officer, and Jack?”
“No. If you believe you’re guilty, there’s nothing I can possibly say to change your mind. But I do have a question.”
“Okay.” James’s voice held uncertainty.
“What would have happened if you hadn’t given the order to draw back?”
When James didn’t answer, Ross continued. “You were taking fire and outnumbered. Whether they were in the Stryker or not, it would’ve been hit and blown up. So, say they weren’t in the Stryker. What would’ve happened after it blew up?”
“We would’ve continued fighting until help arrived.”
“But you said there wasn’t any backup within ten miles of your team. Would you have been able to hold out that long?”
“We would’ve put up one hell of a fight.”
“I have no doubt that you would have. Now, answer me honestly. Would your team have been able to hold them off until help arrived?”
Ross could feel James’s body tense.
“I told them to go back to the Stryker.”
“You did because you were trying to save them in an impossible situation.” Ross left it at that, figuring he had stirred up enough pain for one evening. “Why don’t you try to get some rest? If you want, we can talk more in the morning.”
Ross pulled James closer and settled back against the headboard. It took a while, but when the full weight of James’s body finally relaxed into Ross, he slid down and curled his arms around James before closing his eyes.
Ross wondered how long this amazing man had been blaming himself for his unit’s death when he’d done everything possible to keep them alive, and in the end, he was lucky to be alive.
Survivor’s guilt sucked.
CHAPTER 11
James looked up from the forms he had built and set into place for the footings for a new prefabricated house Jack had ordered. Ross was walking toward him with two bottles of water. It was the morning after they’d had sex and James was conflicted over Ross’s reaction to his admission of guilt.
“Hey, how goes the footings?” Ross asked as he neared. His piercing blue eyes seemed brighter in the sunlight.
“Setting up good,” James replied. “What’re you up to?”
“Heading out to check on one of Jack’s sensors. It stopped working a few days ago.” Wanna come along?”
Since he’d done all he could on the footings, and alone time with Ross sounded perfect, he said, “Sure.” He caught one of the water bottles Ross threw. “Let’s go.”
He climbed up out of the hole and followed Ross over to one of the sheds, the entire time admiring a perfect jean-covered ass. The detective was like a magnet, drawing him in with an invisible tether.
“If you stare any harder you’re going to burn a hole in my pants,” Ross joked as he stopped beside one of the side-by-side ATVs. “Hop on.”
James raised his brow and smiled. “That’s an open invitation?”
Ross laughed. James liked the sound of it.
“The ATV, smartass.”
“Just checking, since I’m open to offers.”
James couldn’t help himself. This give-and-take with Ross made him happier than he had been in a long time. It felt freeing.
“Get in,” Ross said as he slapped James on the ass.
“Not helping,” James growled while climbing in.
Ross laughed even harder.
He grabbed the backpack off the roof and got in behind the wheel, pushed a button on the GPS and it blinked to life. Entering the coordinates took only a moment and then they were off.
As soon as they hit the forest, Ross reached over and took hold of James’s hand. They twined their fingers together without saying a word. He never held hands, unless it was with an injured combat brother. It felt oddly satisfying. Hell, he was cuddling and holding hands. What was next, getting matching shirts that said, “I’m his” with a damn arrow on it?
Ross was making James second-guess everything he knew and had done. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Especially since he was leaving LA the moment this shit was done and Avante was either behind bars or dead.
James wasn’t looking for anything long-term. But still, he sat there holding hands like a goofy teenager.
For the next hour, before the terrain became too treacherous to continue with the ATV, they’d bumped along the trail over rocks and branches, following the directions the GPS spit out every five minutes.
“We’ll have to hike from here,” James said. “It doesn’t look to be too far over the next ridge.”
Ross grabbed the backpack, slung it over his shoulders, and began leading the way. The air felt fresher up there and the colors brighter. James even noticed birds flying from tree to tree. Had he ever stopped to notice something as simple as a bird?
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Ross put to words what James had been thinking.
“Yep,” James agreed. “I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to appreciate it.”
“I know what you mean.” Ross nodded, and James could understand how easy it was for him being consumed in his work to miss the finer things. Ross needed more of a life outside of the grind of being a detective in a huge city.
They continued trekking upward, never going more than a few minutes without brushing each other’s hand or arm. They seemed to crave the contact. It felt so natural and so foreign at the same time. He’d never wanted to touch someone this much. Hell, he had never wanted to be touched this much.
James felt as though he’d been thrown onto a whole new playing field. The rules had changed and the players chosen, but he wasn’t certain he wanted to join this team. The dilemma burned
through his brain. He glanced down at their clasped hands and thought he’d live in the moment. Right now he didn’t need to make a decision. He needed to take what was on offer and enjoy it for the little time they had together.
“There it is,” Ross said as he pointed straight ahead.
Attached to what had to be a six-foot tall green pole was a box with a small antenna sticking out the top. Ross removed the backpack and dug out a small tool kit and a new battery pack to hook up to the small solar panel mounted above the box.
“You sure you know what you are doing?” James asked.
“Jack gave me a rundown before we left. If it’s more complicated than we can handle, he’ll have to come up here himself.”
“Deal. I’ll get the cover off for you,” James said before reaching for a screwdriver. “Shouldn’t take too long.”
Together they worked in unison, repairing the sensor. James saw that Ross knew things James didn’t and vice versa. James had missed the unity he’d had with his combat brothers and when they’d worked together like a well-oiled machine.
With a little bit of finagling, they were able to hook up the new battery pack to the solar panels. Once they had everything back in place, Ross stood, preparing to head back down the mountain. But James wasn’t ready to return to reality quite yet.
“Why don’t we take a break up here? It’s a hell of a view,” he suggested while waving his hand out in front of him at the small valley below.
Ross looked around and pointed at a rock outcropping and said, “Sounds good. I brought lunch.”
“You’re telling me this now? I’m starving,” James grumbled.
“Poor baby, you’re withering away to nothing in your two hundred and sixty pound frame.”
“Two hundred and fifty.” James laughed remembering the other day when Officer Webb had called in Ross after James had “disagreed” with a pimp who was hitting one of his working girls. “Shut up and sit your ass down.”
Ross smirked but sat and began rooting through the backpack. James sat down behind the detective and pulled him into the V of his legs before leaning back against a tree trunk. Ross said nothing, but he smiled and handed James a cellophane wrapped ham and cheese sandwich and another bottle of water.
For the next thirty minutes, they ate in companionable silence, with the view of the valley below, and the rolling hills in the distance serving as entertainment. Cardinals sang and played in the trees around them, making the place feel damn near fictional. James half expected some prince to ride by any second.
“What’s got you laughing?” Ross asked.
James hadn’t realized he’d been laughing. He’d been so relaxed he let his inner musings leak out, something he rarely did.
He decided to answer with the truth even if it made him look crazy. “It seems too perfect here. Like the ending of a chick flick or fairytale.”
“I was thinking a few people with pick axes and singing a catchy tune should be wandering by any minute,” Ross admitted before laughing and leaning further back into James’s arms. “It’s nice to know this exists in reality. Even if we only have a few hours to enjoy it.”
They relaxed back into a comfortable silence. James had his arms wrapped around Ross’s chest, and leaned his head back against the tree trunk. It seemed like such a simple thing, but this moment meant more than the sum of its parts.
He almost felt normal, if he even knew what normal was. From the beginning of his life, or more importantly, from the onset of his understanding of his surroundings, the world had been skewed by his parents’ beliefs and the Founder’s vision. When James managed to break free of them, he walked into a different kind of hell. One where life was expendable, and every time new orders came in, soldiers died. Airplanes that brought in fresh soldiers also flew out the caskets. He couldn’t help but feel that the loss of life didn’t matter since they could always bring more to replace the fallen.
Cities and towns destroyed, families separated or killed. The sounds of bombs and gunfire going off was a constant gruesome lullaby. Over the years, he had lost count of how many teammates had come and gone. It somehow felt easier not connecting on a more human level, knowing each day could be your last.
From IEDs to ambush, and suicide bomber to child soldiers, James had seen and managed to live through it all. He could not say the same for everyone.
Ross leaned his head back onto James’s shoulder, and he couldn’t help but kiss the handsome detective’s temple. The two of them out here on their own with only birds for company lent itself to a kind of intimacy James had never known.
He no longer looked forward to the day they would have to say goodbye to this. The day he would have to leave Ross and everyone behind. The optimism he’d had over his decision to leave was waning, and he was beginning to wonder if it had been the best plan for his happiness.
***
After they returned to the compound, Ross watched as James returned to working on the footings. He had been quiet since they’d stopped for lunch, and Ross wondered what had changed. Everything had been light and casual up to that point, and he thought they had been enjoying each other’s company. It appeared he’d been wrong.
“So how did it go?” Jack asked as neared the new construction site. “I haven’t had a chance to go in and check the system yet.”
“It was charging when we left,” Ross replied, “so I imagine that’s a good sign.”
“Great, great. I’ll check on it later,” Jack said. “You got a minute?”
“I’ve got a whole ton of minutes at the moment waiting for news. What’s up?”
“Let’s go have a drink on the porch and get out of this sun.” Instead of waiting for Ross to answer, Jack walked away.
Ross swore he was not going to be roped in to building cinderblock walls again.
He followed, his mind running the gambit from Jack asking him and his family to leave because it was becoming too dangerous, to Jack dating his sister. Ross wasn’t blind. He saw the looks the two had been giving each other since day one.
After they sat down on the porch chairs, Jack reached into a cooler set between the rockers and pulled out two cold beers. He removed the caps and handed one to Ross.
“So, what are your plans?” Jack asked.
Ross took a long swig of his beer before answering. “I intend to make Avante pay for everything he’s done, and take care of my family.” He thought that would be obvious.
“No, no, I mean, what are your plans for James?” Jack asked as if talking about their relationship was any of his business.
“Look, we’ve already had this talk. I appreciate that you’re his friend, but—”
“He’s changed. James isn’t the same person I scraped off the sand in Afghanistan, or the one I’ve known for the many years after that.”
“You were the one that found him?” Ross asked. Things were getting clearer about the ties between Jack and James.
“Yeah. I’m happy to hear he told you about what happened over there. He doesn’t share that part of his life easily,” Jack shared and took another drink. “Still carries around the guilt.”
“There’s nothing he could’ve done.,” Ross defended James so vehemently that he had shocked himself.
“I know that, and so do you, but James’s view on the subject is another matter. Because of it, he’s determined to avoid any happiness that might come his way.”
Strangely, that kind of made sense. He probably figured if the men of his unit couldn’t experience any happiness ever again, then neither would he.
“You said that he’s changed. How?” Ross asked.
“He didn’t hightail it out of here after you two had sex,” Jack stated bluntly.
“How do you know about that?” If he had the rooms in his house under surveillance, Ross was going to beat him into the ground. Hell, his sister and niece were here too.
“My bedroom is next door, remember, and that bed squeaks.”
Shit. The though
t of Jack listening to them was all kinds of wrong, but it was infinitely better than surveillance or his sister hearing.
“He’s stuck here with the rest of us until Avante is found. But, he’s made it clear he intends to leave LA as soon as this is done.”
“Oh, trust me, if James wanted to leave no one on this earth would be able to stop him. Short of tying him up.” Jack had a strange smile on his face when he said the last part.
“Tell me you haven’t tied him up before.”
“I could tell you that, but it would be a lie,” Jack said. “We’re getting off topic here. This isn’t about me.”
“Whatever,” Ross huffed.
“We’re talking about James and you.”
“Fine. How else has he changed?”
“Hell, he’s smiling, and not in that I’m-about-to-rip-off-your-head way. I’ve never seen him happy. Don’t get me wrong, he’s always been a good guy. But stoic, you know.”
“Yeah, that sounds about right. When I first met him, he acted the same way, and he tends to be self-destructive.”
“Oh, yeah. Been that way since the day I met him. Nevertheless, he’s allowed himself to be happy with you. It must be one hell of a battle going on inside him right now. A part telling him he doesn’t deserve it, and the other craving it most of all.”
Ross had to admit, he had never thought of it that way. The internal struggle James had to be going through was heartbreaking.
“Maybe it would be best if I backed off. I don’t want to cause him any extra issues.” Even saying the words felt wrong.
“Is that what you want to do?”
“No, but I will if I have to.” Ross would never be the man to cause James more pain.
“Don’t. Trust me when I say, this is good for him. James has never had someone strong enough to challenge the status quo. And from what I’ve been told, neither have you.”
“How did this turn out to be about me? I thought we were talking about James.”
“Tomato, tomaato,” Jack said while waving his beer bottle around. “Point is, you’ve been stuck in your own ways as well.”
Ross didn’t even bother to dispute it. For years, his sister had told him the same thing. “I’ve had responsibilities."