by Amy Clipston
He guided Mollie toward the men, and Vernon turned toward him and waved as they approached.
“Allen!” Vernon shook Allen’s hand. “Gude mariye.”
“Hello. How are you?” Allen greeted Jamie and Mark and shook their hands.
“How are you, Mollie?” Mark squatted down and touched Mollie’s arm. “It’s great to see you this morning.”
Mollie hid behind Allen’s leg, and the men laughed.
“She’s shy this morning.” Allen lifted her into his arms. “It’s probably because she didn’t sleep much.”
“Oh no. Is she krank?” Vernon asked.
“No, she just—”
“Lala!” Mollie screeched and leaned away from him. “Lala!”
Allen turned toward the house and spotted Laura standing by the porch, talking to Kayla and Cindy. His heart seemed to turn over in his chest at the sight of her in a bright-blue dress.
“Lala!” Mollie tried to shift out of his arms.
“Calm down, Mollie Faith. You’re going to fall.” He set her down on the ground and took her hand.
“Lala!” She yelled, tugging at him.
Allen looked at Laura and found her staring at him, her eyes wide. “Excuse me,” he said to her family, and then he led Mollie toward the porch.
As they moved up the path, Laura descended the stairs and met them halfway. Allen released Mollie’s hand, and she rushed over to Laura.
Laura lifted Mollie into her arms and hugged her close to her chest. “Hi, Mollie.”
“Lala!” Mollie rubbed Laura’s cheek and then snuggled into her shoulder.
Laura made a noise in her throat, and her breathtaking blue eyes glimmered with unshed tears. “I’ve missed you too,” she whispered before kissing his daughter’s head.
Allen’s heartbeat galloped as he watched Laura cuddle with Mollie.
Why can’t we be a family?
The question caught him off guard and stole his breath for a moment.
“How is she?” Laura met his gaze and sniffed.
“She misses you.”
Laura looked down at Mollie. “Cindy told me Irma Mae will be back tomorrow. That should make you froh.”
He felt his face cloud with a frown. “You know we both miss you. Is that why you left?”
“What?” Her eyes snapped to his again.
“Did you leave because you didn’t want to admit there’s something between us?”
She lowered her voice. “Allen, I don’t think this is the time or place—”
“But we need to talk about it.” He took a step toward her. “Please don’t.” She stepped back.
“Laura.” Irma Mae walked over to them. “Danki for taking care of Mollie for so long.”
“Hi, Irma Mae. I enjoyed my time with her very much.” Laura gave her a bright smile. “It’s so gut to see you walking without your cane. How are you feeling?”
“I feel great. Danki.” Irma Mae held her arms out to Mollie. “May I hold you?”
Mollie blinked up at Irma Mae and then reached for her.
“How are you, sweet girl?” Irma Mae asked Mollie before kissing her cheek. “I’ll be back tomorrow to take care of you.”
“It’s nine.” Mark sidled up to Allen and touched his shoulder. “We need to head inside.” He glanced at Laura, and an unspoken discussion passed between the twins.
Laura frowned and then looked at Allen. “It was nice seeing you.” She touched Mollie’s arm and smiled at Irma Mae. “I’ll see you after the service.” Then she strode back toward the house.
Allen’s heart seemed to trip over itself as she walked away. How could he convince her to talk to him about the emotions raging between them?
“May I hold her during the service?” Irma Mae’s question wrenched Allen from his thoughts.
“Ya, of course.” Allen nodded. “Just signal me if you need a break.”
“I’m sure I won’t.” Irma Mae beamed as she gazed down at her granddaughter. Then she looked back at Allen. “I’ll see you after the service.”
Mark nodded at Irma Mae. “It’s great to see you. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” Then he steered Allen toward the barn. “How have you been doing?” he asked as they made their way to the door.
“I’m fine.” Allen held his breath, waiting for Mark to instruct him to stay away from his twin.
“I’ve spoken to Laura about why she stopped working for you.”
Allen halted and turned toward him. “Look, I’m sorry.” He was careful to keep his voice quiet. “I didn’t mean for everything to get so complicated.”
“I know.” Mark’s expression remained friendly. “I just think you two need a break from each other. Laura is confused about a lot of things. She misses our mamm and Savilla, and she’s reeling from her breakup with Rudy. I think she needs some time to figure things out. It’s probably best if you give her some space to sort through her confusing emotions before you try to figure out what’s going on between you two.”
“I’ll give her all the space she needs.”
“Danki. I’ll see you later.” Mark smiled and then walked toward the barn.
As Allen watched him go, he frowned. As much as Mark wanted him to stay away from Laura, he still needed to clarify a few things with her. He had to before he could let her go.
Laura clasped her hands together and gnawed her lower lip as her nerve endings stood on end. Sitting between Cindy and Kayla, her spine was ramrod straight.
She tried to listen to the minister delivering his sermon, but against her better judgment she allowed her eyes to wander across the barn. Allen sat between her father and Milton. His gaze was intense as it tangled with hers, causing her pulse rate to increase as her body flushed hot. When he finally looked away, she could breathe again.
Again she tried to focus on the minister’s holy words, but she was keenly aware of Allen’s stare when it found her again.
“Lala!” Mollie suddenly cried from Irma Mae’s lap on the opposite side of the barn from Allen. “Lala!”
Laura sucked in a breath and gripped the bench with such force that her knuckles ached. An overwhelming urge to go get Mollie came over her.
Cindy leaned over to her. “Are you all right?”
Laura shook her head and looked down.
“She’ll stop,” Cindy whispered. “Be strong.”
“I miss her so much,” Laura whispered as tears blurred her vision.
“I know, and she misses you too.” Cindy touched her arm.
Laura squeezed her eyes shut and opened her heart to God.
Please, Lord, give me strength to keep my distance from Allen and Mollie. I never should have allowed myself to get so attached, but now I need your help breaking my tie to them. I feel their pull on my soul, and I’m afraid I’ll accidentally break Mollie’s heart. She’s so important to me, and I don’t want to hurt her.
Relief flooded Laura when Mollie stopped fussing and settled down on Irma Mae’s lap. She managed to focus on the minister’s holy words for the remainder of the service.
As soon as the service was over, Laura went to the Glicks’ kitchen with Cindy and Kayla so they could help serve the noon meal. Laura carried a tray with bowls of pretzels to the barn and began setting them on the tables the men had constructed.
When she came to the table where Allen sat with her brothers, father, and Milton, she quickly set out the bowls and gave them a tentative smile before hurrying out of the barn.
As soon as her shoes hit the ground, she heard someone say her name. She spun and almost collided with Allen. Her senses tingled as she looked up at him. The dark purple circles she’d seen rimming his eyes earlier were still there, and now his brow pinched with irritation, or perhaps desperation.
“What do you want?” she asked before craning her neck to see if anyone was watching them.
“I told you. I need to talk to you. If you don’t talk to me, I’ll stand here and yell your name until you do.”
She bl
ew out a frustrated puff of air. “Fine.” Then she pointed to a corner of the barn. “I’ll give you two minutes.”
“Danki.” He followed her there and then faced her. “Tell me the truth. What drove you away from Mollie and me? Was it the hug?”
She nodded and crossed her arms over her chest as if to shield her heart.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Her voice sounded thin and reedy. “Mark was right when he warned me to avoid getting too close. I got too close and too attached. I guess I just wanted a family, so I latched onto you and Mollie.”
He shook his head as his lips thinned. “You really think that’s all it was?”
“I can’t do this.” Her body trembled. She needed to get away from him before he pulled the truth from her. She couldn’t admit she had feelings for him, that she might even love him.
She spun on her heel and began to walk away, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him, making her stumble. She glared at him and yanked her hand from his grasp.
“Please don’t touch me,” she snapped before running toward the house. As she moved up the path, she passed Irma Mae, and she hoped the older woman hadn’t seen her awkward exchange with Allen.
Guilt and regret rolled over her. What would Irma Mae think if she knew Laura had developed feelings for her son-in-law?
The following afternoon Allen knelt on cool ground, and the dampness of the grass seeped through the knees of his trousers. His eyes stung with tears as he reached over and touched the hard granite that marked the spot where his beloved wife was buried.
He’d told Irma Mae he had to run out for supplies, and after running his errands, he headed straight to the cemetery.
He blew out a deep breath and turned his gaze upward. The sky was clogged with sad-looking gray clouds. It was the same kind of sky above the mourners the day of Savilla’s funeral, and the same kind of sky he and her parents stood beneath on the one-year anniversary of her death.
“Hi, Savilla. It’s me, Allen. It’s been a tough year,” he whispered as he traced his fingers over her name etched in the gravestone. “I . . . I wanted to come back to visit you today. I couldn’t talk to you like this with your folks here. Mollie and I miss you. She’s changed and grown so much. You’d be so proud of her. She’s walking, and she talks too.” He smiled. “She looks like you. She has your schee smile and your gorgeous hair.” He chuckled to himself. “She has your stubbornness, but she also has your intelligence. She’s already learned how to open doors, and I caught her trying to climb into the linen closet the other night.”
He sat back on his heels and pulled his coat tighter around him. “Saying I miss you is a gross understatement. I miss you so much I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. I’ll see something that makes me think of us, and I’ll want to either laugh or cry. Some days I still can’t believe you’re gone. And I still don’t understand why God took you so soon. I know it’s not my place to question his will, but I still think about the plans we’ll never see come true. You’re on my mind every day. You’ll always be a part of me, and you’ll always have a piece of my heart.”
A car’s motor sounded in the distance as he pulled at a brown blade of grass. His thoughts spun. “I didn’t think I’d be ready to move on without you for a long, long time, if ever. But something has happened to me. I’m not sure what it all means, but I need to tell you everything. Your mamm was hurt in an accident, and while she was healing Laura came over to take care of Mollie.”
He ripped out the blade of grass and absently twisted it around his fingers. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I’ve fallen in love with Laura. I think she might love me too, but she’s resisting. She doesn’t even want to talk to me right now. I suspect, like me, she’s afraid. Yet she’s been my rock as I’ve tried to figure out how to go on without you, and I think I’ve helped her through a tough time too.”
He closed his eyes. “When I’m with Laura, I feel as if I can go on and be strong again. I’ve tried to repress my feelings for her, but I can’t. They’re real and they’re strong. And if you could see her with Mollie, you’d realize how much she loves her. She’s wonderful with her, and Mollie loves her too.”
He sucked in another deep breath through his nostrils and then released it into the chilly air. “I’m just so confused, because being with her feels right, but I’m not sure how you would feel about it. In some ways, I believe I’m disrespecting you, but another part of me believes you would understand. You’d want me to find a new fraa who would be a gut mamm to Mollie. I believe in my heart you would approve of Laura being that woman, but I can’t be sure. And I know she’d want you to approve as well.”
He reached out and brushed his fingers over the gravestone again. “Savilla, I need to know what you think of all this. Would you bless a relationship between Laura and me? Would you forgive me for falling in love with your best freind? Please send me a sign and tell me it’s okay for me to love Laura and move on.”
Allen covered his face with his hands as a tear trailed down his face. “I miss you, Savilla. Ich liebe dich.”
Pulling himself to his feet, he kissed the tips of his fingers and touched her gravestone one last time. Then he trudged through the grass to his waiting horse and buggy.
THIRTY-ONE
Allen climbed the back-porch steps as the crisp November breeze seeped through his gray shirt, causing him to shiver.
He hung his straw hat on a peg in the mudroom and then stepped into the kitchen. Irma Mae was setting a pot in the middle of the table. The aroma of grilled cheese filled his nostrils and caused his stomach to growl.
“I thought grilled cheese and tomato soup would be gut today since the temperature dropped so much last night.” Irma Mae carried a frying pan over to the table and set a grilled cheese on each of the two plates.
“Danki.” He walked over to Mollie, who was already happily chewing on a piece of her grilled cheese sandwich. He kissed her head, washed his hands at the sink, and sat down at his usual spot at the table.
Irma Mae joined him, and they bowed their heads for a silent prayer.
“How is your day going?” Irma Mae asked as she ladled soup into her bowl.
“Gut. How is yours?” He lifted his sandwich but then put it back on his plate.
“Fine.”
Allen served himself some soup, and they ate in silence for a few minutes while Mollie grunted with every bite.
Irma wiped her mouth with a napkin and then leveled her gaze at him. “I’ve been back for a week, and I’ve noticed a few things.”
“What?”
“You don’t eat much, and you’re very bedauerlich.” She pointed at him. “Was iss letz?”
Stunned by the question, he stared at her for a moment. “The first anniversary of Savilla’s death wasn’t that long ago, and I guess I’m still taking it hard.”
“I understand. It was tough on me too, but there’s something else.”
He stared down at his bowl of soup and uneaten sandwich.
“You miss Laura.”
The words were simple, but they grabbed him by his throat and guilt swept through him. How could he admit to Savilla’s mother that he had feelings for Laura? She’d have every right to feel betrayed.
“Have you tried to call her?”
Allen looked up at her. “How did you know I care for Laura?”
To his surprise, she snorted. “I think everyone in our church district is aware of how you and Laura feel about each other. The intensity between you two is palpable.” She smiled. “I was young once. I remember what it felt like to fall in love.”
He cringed at the word love.
“I’ve noticed how you two stare at each other during the service, and it’s obvious how much Mollie misses her too. You’ve both fallen for Laura, and I don’t blame you. She’s a wunderbaar maedel.” She leaned forward. “Why haven’t you gone after her? Why have you let her slip through your fingers?”
“It
’s too soon since we lost Savilla, and I don’t want to disrespect her memory.”
She sat back in the chair. “If your feelings for Laura are genuine, and I believe they are, then you should see where they lead.”
He studied her brown eyes. “You’re not upset with me for having feelings for Laura so soon?”
She shook her head. “Savilla would want you and Mollie to be froh, and it’s clear Laura makes you both froh.”
Her words settled over him like a warm blanket. Was this the sign he’d asked Savilla to send him a week ago? Did Irma Mae’s encouragement indicate Savilla would also approve of his feelings for Laura?
But how would he ever convince Laura to give him a chance when she wouldn’t even speak to him at church services? Maybe they didn’t belong together. Maybe God didn’t bless their relationship and Allen was supposed to wait for another woman to enter his life. But if that were true, why did his heart ache for Laura?
“Lala!” Mollie screamed between sobs as Allen rocked her in the middle of the night. “Lala!”
“I know, Mollie,” Allen whispered against her head. “I miss her too.”
How would he ever console Mollie when her love for Laura was so overwhelming?
He moved the chair back and forth until she fell asleep and then set her back in her crib. He returned to the chair for several more minutes, waiting for her to start screaming again. When she remained asleep, he stood and padded out of her room, down the short hallway, and into his bedroom. The soft yellow light of his lantern lit Savilla’s dresser. He walked to it, and his gaze fell on her photo of a rose with that favorite Scripture on it.
He picked up the frame and studied the photo as he recalled when he’d bought it for her. He’d seen it in a store, and when he read the Scripture verse, he remembered it was her favorite. He’d given her the picture for their first wedding anniversary, and her eyes filled with tears when she opened the gift bag.
He moved his fingers over the frame as he read the verse, 1 Thessalonians 5:16–18: Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.