‘You look shocking!’ Melanie greeted her in a low voice at the small desk.
‘I’ve felt better!’ She was near to tears, desperate to confide in someone, to pull her friend into the loo and spill the whole sorry tale. Only she couldn’t, so instead Annie took a deep breath and gave a nod. ‘Let’s do handover.’
‘Ivan Kolovsky, fifty-seven years of age …’ She tried to concentrate as she heard about his long struggle with cancer, the secondaries in his brain, tried to convince herself she should be hearing this when Melanie spoke about the family, yet all the time she felt as if she were peeking through a keyhole, an intruder who really shouldn’t be there. ‘There’s loads of relatives.’ Melanie rolled her eyes. ‘I’ve given up trying to limit numbers. There’s more pacing outside, all chatting on mobile phones—I’ve given up telling them about the phones, too. Basically …’ Melanie took a deep breath ‘… he’s in a lot of pain, it’s quite horrible to watch …’
‘So why hasn’t he had more morphine?’ Annie frowned, peering at his drug chart. ‘He’s written up for it PRN, there’s no reason for him to be in pain.’
‘He’s waiting for his son to get here from the UK—Levander. He was actually on his way anyway when all this happened, so the poor guy doesn’t know yet just how sick he is. Aleksi, one of the other sons, has gone to meet him from the airport. His plane should get in around eleven, so hopefully Ivan can hold on till then.’
‘He shouldn’t be in pain!’ Annie insisted.
‘He wants to talk to his son …’ Melanie gave a helpless shrug. ‘He says there’s something he needs to say.’
‘How’s Iosef?’ She tried to say it normally, tried to voice the question as she would have if it were any other colleague this was happening to, but her voice strangled in the middle, though Melanie didn’t seem to notice.
‘Grim. There’s some serious stuff going down with that family for sure. Iosef is hardly talking to his mother—his father either, come to that. In fact, he’s spent more time outside with Aleksi than in here. He’s gone to lie down now in the on-call room. We’re to call him if there’s any change or when Levander’s plane lands.’
‘Anything else?’
‘Loads, probably,’ Melanie sighed. ‘But that should get you through—Oh, there’s a daughter, too—Annika. She’s going to go to bits when it happens, just so you know.
‘I’ll turn him with you before I go.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You’re OK with all this?’
‘Me?’ Annie tried a don’t-be-daft smile. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Only I haven’t seen you much these past few weeks and.’ Melanie stood up, gave Annie’s shoulder a bit more than a friendly squeeze. ‘Ring me if you need to.’
‘I will.’ Annie nodded. ‘I’ll try and give you a buzz when I wake up tomorrow.’
‘I meant tonight.’
Ivan’s family were exceptionally difficult. They just couldn’t fathom, despite Annie’s and Melanie’s patient explanations, why they had to move him when it was surely going to make his pain worse, why they had to wash and turn him when he was already suffering enough.
‘His skin’s so fragile at the moment, he’ll be more sore if he’s left in one position. I know it seems cruel, but he honestly needs it—we’ve already stretched the time between turns as much as we can.’
Annie could see their point, though. Hearing him yelp and whimper in pain, no matter how gently they washed and turned him, brought a sting of tears to her eyes, but the pain of movement in this case was better than being left to lie still. Just because a body was ceasing to live, it still functioned.
‘Gede?’ Fading grey eyes held hers as over and over he used a word that was said with such desperation and pleading it didn’t need translating.
‘Soon, Ivan,’ Annie and his family repeated a hundred times over the next few hours. ‘Levander will be here soon.’ Eyes turning and looking at the clock, praying that Aleksi would ring with news that Levander’s plane had landed. And though on a humane note it was all Annie wanted for her patient, on a personal level, when at midnight the news came that Levander and his wife Millie had cleared customs with their new baby Sashar, Annie closed her eyes as she knocked on the doctors’ on-call room, tried like she never had before to somehow be professional as she stepped in.
‘Your brother’s on his way—they should be here in half an hour or so.’
‘Has my father had any morphine yet?’
‘He’s still refusing—he says he needs to speak to Levander.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She could hardly see him in the dark room, which helped, the pain behind his strong voice making her want to hold him. To be able to see that pain in his eyes too would be the last straw.
‘Don’t worry about that now. Just concentrate on tonight.’
‘I’m sorry about tonight, for asking for you to nurse him. I know it must be hell for you.’
‘Don’t worry about me, Iosef. I’m fine.’ She turned to go, nails biting into her palms as he called her back.
‘I need to tell you something—and you’re the only person here I think I can tell. It’s about my father. My brother—if the person looking after him can understand …’ And she didn’t want to hear it, yet really she had no choice, and she took the deepest breath before flicking on the light then she walked over, sat on the edge of the on-call bed and gave a nod, hating it that he was still pulling her in deeper, promising herself that tomorrow she’d start to dig herself out again.
‘My mother, Nina, is not Levander’s mother.’
‘OK.’ Staring down at her skirt, she pleated the hem between her fingers.
‘My father had a brief fling with his cleaner, I think before he married my mother—I’m really not sure—but when my mother was pregnant with Aleksi and I, they left Russia to come here.’
‘So Levander stayed behind?’ Annie checked, ‘with his mother?’
‘It didn’t work out like that. Very soon after they left, Levander’s mother died, only my parents apparently didn’t know.’
‘Apparently?’
‘He sent money back, he wrote letters, only it turned out that Levander never got them.’
‘Maybe communication was difficult … And if her family.’
‘From the age of three he was raised in an orphanage.’ He halted her with the terrible truth. ‘He lived through hell, Annie.’
‘That’s why the abandoned baby upset you so much, why you didn’t want to deal with his mother.’ Annie gulped as she recalled his outburst that day, understood now why he hadn’t wanted to deal not just with the mother but with his own thoughts.
‘My own brother, inadvertently perhaps but unforgivably carelessly, was abandoned. Raised in a detsky dom with nothing, and no one even knew. We didn’t know about him till he was a teenager and he came to live with us.’
She rued her own words—the spite that had been in her voice as she’d taunted him that she was glad to live somewhere that balked at a parent turning their back on their child.
‘I’m sorry!’ She shuddered out an apology. ‘Sorry for him and sorry for you and for the terrible things that I said.’
‘You didn’t know,’ Iosef responded. ‘No one knows—it’s one of our many family secrets.’ And she wasn’t looking at her hemline any more but at him, listening as he told her about his pain.
‘I could never look at him when he came to live with us—he was angry, hostile and I just felt guilty. I tried to talk to him, only not hard enough—I guess I didn’t really want to hear what he had to say. I didn’t really want to know what he had been through because it made me feel worse. Made me hate my parents more than I already did. The only time I have been able to look at him is since he married Millie. For the first time I could see that he was happy, that someone understood him. She knows more about my family than I do.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘She
knows his past—I don’t, not really. I know that she was able to listen to him, that he was able to talk to her—which is something I have not been able to do. Though I am working on it.’ He gave a wan smile. ‘Since he got married he has opened up a bit. We talk on the phone a lot and sometimes we talk about my work in Russia and we touch on the problems in the family and I think he is starting to accept that I do care—that, in fact, since the day he came to live with us, even if I didn’t show it, I have been on his side.’
‘Does there have to be sides?’ Annie asked. ‘Your parents have to live with their mistakes—it must be hell for them, too.’
‘Nowhere near my brother’s hell. You grow up thinking you parents are perfect and then slowly you find out that they are not, you start to question things …’
‘But they didn’t know he was in an orphanage.’
‘They chose not to.’ For the first time in ages they actually looked at each other. ‘I have seen first hand how my brother would have lived and what he must have endured. I know, I know that, no matter the excuses, no matter the reasons, what happened to Levander was wrong—he is my father’s son, his firstborn, and he turned his back on him. I have known it was wrong since the day Levander came into our lives and it has been confirmed to me every day since. But this is not about me.’ Frustrated, he ran a hand through his hair. ‘Look after my brother and his wife. I am asking you to understand that this is so hard on them.’
‘It’s hard on everyone,’ Annie attempted, but Iosef shook his head.
‘It is harder on them—please, look out for them.’
‘I will.’ Annie nodded. ‘Come on, come and see him.’
‘I’ll wait here till Levander arrives.’
‘You need to go out there, Iosef. I know you’re exhausted, I know this is hard, but you need to be with your dad.’
‘I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know if I can really forgive him.’
Oh, God, why was this so hard? Annie took his hand and urged him into action. ‘Even if you can’t forgive him in this lifetime, you at least need to be with him.’
‘What he did was so wrong.’
‘I know, or I think I know—but right now it isn’t morphine your dad needs, it’s his sons, and there aren’t enough hours left in his life to solve everything. But you know as well as I do that if you don’t go in there and, right or wrong, tell him that you love him, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.’
‘Even if I don’t respect him—even if what he did sickens me.’
‘Yes!’ She wasn’t even trying to be professional now. Tears were coursing down her cheeks as she begged him to get what she was just realizing for herself. ‘Because people make mistakes, they do the most terrible, unforgivable things, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love them.’ And that was the truth, because even if she loathed what he had made her, even if it was hard to love herself right now, she still loved him—remote, distant, cheat that he might be. But some of his behaviour could be explained by his confession and she silently swore that never again would she be so quick to judge things on appearances only.
Staring down at him, she couldn’t not reach over and kiss him—couldn’t not take away a bit of his pain, even if it added to hers—a slow, unhurried kiss because it was going nowhere, a kiss that tasted of pain that could be dissolved for a second. His tongue stroking hers, chasing away for a moment or two all their regrets.
‘Go out and be with your dad.’
He didn’t nod or say yes, but when Annie stood up so did he.
‘Look after my brother and his wife,’ he said as he took a big breath before following her out.
‘Look after yourself!’
∗ ∗ ∗
Death was horrible.
Expected or sudden—nothing could truly prepare you for loss. But Annie tried. Tried to be strong with this tortured family.
‘He waited for you.’
Nina, Ivan’s wife, spoke as Levander came in with his wife and baby—those devilish good looks that had graced many a magazine and bedside table still apparent despite the hellish pain etched on his features, his arm wrapped tightly around his wife.
And Annie vowed again she’d try to judge less—realised that you never really knew what went on in others’ lives.
She’d read about Levander Kolovsky’s exploits in the past—had giggled at his playboy ways. Had always assumed he was an emotional lightweight—a spoilt rich boy who’d grown into a spoilt rich man.
Aleksi guided them to the bedside. And Iosef had been right, because though his twin looked the same, spoke the same, and was to everyone else a carbon copy of his twin, it wasn’t Iosef.
Iosef was the one she watched as Levander hugged his father. Thick words were spoken, and it didn’t matter that it was in Russian, because anyone present could hear the love and regret with each hoarse word. Later, close to crying herself, but with Iosef’s instructions drilled into her mind, when Levander’s wife Millie started to get restless and it looked as if at any second she might either explode or collapse, Annie took the tiny baby from the fragile-looking woman and guided her to the empty plastic chairs outside.
‘He’s just had morphine. He isn’t in any pain now …’
‘Lucky him, then!’ The venom that shot from Millie caught them both by surprise, her eyes widening in horror at her own caustic words, her hand shooting over her mouth as she started to cry. ‘I’m sorry. You don’t need this.’
‘It’s OK,’ Annie said gently.
‘No, it’s not.’ Millie shook her head. ‘I’m trying so hard to be strong for Levander, I know he looks like he’s OK, but he’s bleeding inside. I’ve known this day was coming for ages, I just don’t think I can stay in there and make the right noises.’ Pale lips shivered out words. ‘I hate what he did to Levander and I hate that woman more.’
‘Nina?’
‘I don’t want to go into it.’ She shook her head. ‘I can’t go into it.’
‘You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.’ Annie said. ‘Just tell me what you want to do.’
‘I don’t think I can be nice to her. Maybe tomorrow, maybe when it’s over, but I really don’t think I can go in there and listen to Ivan absolve himself.’
‘So stay here, then,’ Annie said patiently—and the time she was taking with Millie, the words she was saying, really had nothing to do with Iosef’s plea to take care of his brother and wife. Families fraught with tension, the end of an imperfect life and the fallout for everyone, was something Annie was only too used to dealing with.
‘I should be there for Levander.’
‘Whether you’re standing with him or not, you are there for Levander—he knows that. It might make it easier on him if he doesn’t have to worry about you getting upset.’
‘Do you think so?’
Annie didn’t know what to think but she did know that despite Iosef and Millie’s revelations she hadn’t even scratched the surface of the pain that ran through this family. But for the moment staying away seemed the best course of action for Millie. ‘I have to go in and check on Ivan now. I’ll take you to the staffroom and you can make yourself a coffee or something. I’ll pop in on you every now and then and let you know what’s happening.’
It was the longest night of her life—just wretched and difficult from the very start as they struggled to get to the end, but, turning Ivan just before dawn, Annie knew it was for the last time and, though she couldn’t be certain, she explained to Nina afterwards that it looked as if the end was close.
‘You shouldn’t be alone, Iosef.’ Nina looked over at her son, for once not speaking in Russian. ‘Why don’t you call Candy?’
‘I’m fine.’ He shook his head as Annie, seated at the desk nearby, froze, but Nina was insistent. ‘Call her and tell her to come—she should be here for you.’
Of course his mobile was dead, so he had to use the desk phone and she had to sit there, tears plopping on the notes she was pr
etending to write as Iosef asked for Candy to come.
‘She’s on her way.’ His voice was flat. ‘She’ll be fifteen minutes or so.’
The tension was unbearable for everyone, and Nina, who’d been at Ivan’s side since his admission, left to get some fresh air. Although Annie understood that she must need a break, she was tempted to tell her not to go. Ivan was in Cheyne-Stokes breathing now—every delayed laboured breath—possibly his last.
Annie willed her shift to end before Ivan died, willed herself to hold it together for a few more hours, but she only succeeded in the latter. Biting into her lip as Millie bravely came in for the very end and held Levander, she tried not to watch as Candy sobbed on Iosef’s chest, and was grateful to Jackie, who came round to the obs ward and was there to help at the end.
‘Come …’ Nina spoke to Millie when everything had been said and done. ‘You come to our house now and stay with us.’
‘We’re going to a hotel tonight. I think it would be …’ Levander’s voice broke as he spoke and Millie took over for him.
‘A hotel would be better.’ Supremely polite, she remained adamant. ‘We didn’t bring a portable cot or anything.’
‘You two,’ Iosef interrupted, and then glanced down at the sleeping baby she was holding, ‘I mean, you three can come to my apartment if you like. When I knew you were coming I went and bought a cot and some bits for Sashar. If a hotel is better for you, though, that is fine—I understand. But you’re welcome to stay any time.’
‘We’d love to come and stay with you.’ Millie gave a pale smile. ‘Thank you, Iosef. And thank you, too, Annie, you’ve been marvellous.’
Levander shook her hand and said the same, so too did Aleksi and, so heartbreakingly did Iosef. ‘Thank you, Annie.’
She didn’t see them to the door—didn’t even look as they all walked out into the early morning, just stiffened her spine and summoned her last dregs of energy and dealt with Ivan and the pile of paperwork. When the porters came for him, even though it was an hour till her shift ended, without even offering an explanation, Annie picked up her bag and buzzed on the intercom over to Section A and informed the sister in charge that she was going home.
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