Never Look Back (Counting Stars Book 1)

by Trish Williford

  I sighed loudly. “Spencer, I accepted your apology.”

  “I know, but do you forgive me?”

  He was exhausting. “Fine, yes, whatever. But I won’t forget...especially if you do it again.”

  He smiled brightly and grabbed my hand, trying to lead me to his trailer. I tugged my hand away. He had no right holding my hand.

  He looked offended until he realized what he did. “Shit. I didn’t mean anything by it. Sorry.”

  I nodded and followed him back to his trailer.

  GREAT first day.

  Chapter Eight

  After a stressful first day with Spencer, Ryleigh and I grabbed takeout and ate dinner at home. Assorted Chinese boxes and sushi containers filled our little table. We made plates and ate in the living room so we could watch TV. Ryleigh left the channel on an entertainment-gossip show that focused on both Canadian and American celebrities. During the second segment, they showed pictures of Collin with Jessica. The reporters were saying they had “inside sources” who claimed Collin was about to propose to her at any time. Ryleigh rolled her eyes. “That’s bull. He would tell me if he was planning on proposing. These stupid shows don’t know anything.”

  I gave her a sympathetic smile. I hope she was right; otherwise, she would be devastated. I brought my attention back to the TV when they mentioned Spencer’s name. “Ugh, can you turn that off Ry? I don’t even want to hear his name.”

  Ryleigh turned the channel and looked over to me. “I’m not trying to defend him, but he is going through a rough time. It doesn’t excuse him being rude to you, but don’t give up on him. He is a good guy.”

  I chuckled. “Right. I’ll believe it when I see it.”

  Chapter Nine

  Today is my wedding day. It’s been four months since Wyatt’s accident and we decided we couldn’t wait another minute to be married. Our lives have changed drastically over the last few months, and we wanted to get back onto the path we had chosen before the accident.

  Wyatt lost his full ride to LSU after the accident. He’s unable to play soccer because of the numerous amount of plates and rods in his leg due to the accident. I decided to put off going to college until Wyatt is back to himself. Since the accident he’s been extremely depressed. He only had his mother and father, and they were gone. I was all he had left, and I promised him I would never leave him.

  His doctors have him on an insane amount of medications for the depression and for his back and leg pain. The doctors insist that the pain will get better eventually, but I hope it’s sooner than later. I hate seeing him suffer.

  “Wow, you look…wow. Becca you’ve never looked more beautiful.” Preston said as he entered my bedroom. I stood in front of my mirror, looking at him through the reflection. He stood beside me, looking into the mirror.

  “You sure you’re ready for this? I know that you want to take care of Wyatt, but if you’re not ready to get married you don’t need to.”

  I reached over and grabbed my twin’s hand. “I know. I’m ready.”

  Pres squeezed my hand, sighing loudly. “Alright, but you listen to me Becca. If it doesn’t work out, or if you need me in any way, shape or form, I’ll be here for you in a nano second. You’re my best friend, my sister, my twin. I’ll do anything I need to protect you. Don’t ever hesitate, ok?”

  I looked into his blue eyes, the same as mine, and knew he would always protect me no matter what. “You’ll always be such an important part of my life Pres. I will always need you in some way.”

  Preston pulled me in close for a hug. “Alright, you ready for this?” He sighed heavily.

  I nodded and took one last look in the mirror. This is the last time I would be looking at Rebecca Nicole Adams. In less than ten minutes I would be Rebecca Nicole Patterson. I straightened my dress and followed Pres down the stairs towards the back porch. Mama and I decorated the backyard this morning with paper lanterns and flowers, making their little yard our wedding hall. Daddy noticed me as I walked in with Pres, and I swear he had tears in his eyes. Pres walked out into the yard and took his place beside Wyatt as his best man. Daddy extended his arm for me to take, then handed me my bouquet of wild flowers.

  “Ready?” He asked.

  I nodded, taking a deep breath. He opened the screen door, walking me off the porch. As the guests who were sitting in the white chairs stood, awaiting my arrival, I kept my eyes on Wyatt. When I finally came into his view, his beautiful smile beamed brightly. This is it. This is the moment I’ve waited for all my life. This may not be what was expected, but it’s perfect.

  Chapter Ten

  My first week in Vancouver went by quickly. Before I knew it, it was Monday morning and I was heading back to the set for another week of work. Spencer had been better as he promised, but I still have my guard up with him. I’ve kept everything strictly professional, only talking about work related topics. He hasn’t given much away either, and I’m completely fine with that. The less I know about him, the better. Ryleigh has the day off, lucky bum. Collin doesn’t have to be on the set for filming until tomorrow, so I drove to work alone. I got to work a little earlier than usual today since I didn’t have to wait around on slow poke this morning. I got Spencer his coffee and I picked up a scone and orange juice for myself and went to his trailer. He wasn’t there yet, so I started going over the day’s schedule.

  “Good Morning.” Spencer yawned when he walked into the trailer. I looked up from the schedule. “Hey, how was your weekend?”

  He shrugged, flopping on the couch beside me. “Sucked. Thanks for the coffee.”

  “You’re welcome. Sorry to hear that.”

  He took a sip of his coffee. “It is what it is. How was your weekend?”

  “Not too bad.”

  He looked over, giving me a half smile. “That’s it? That’s all you’re giving me?”

  “That’s all you gave me. So you have to be in hair and makeup by 10. You film your first scene at 10:35.”

  Spencer frowned. “I’m trying to get to know you Kelsey, but you make it very hard to do so.”

  I shrugged. “Spencer, I’m your assistant. You don’t need to get to know me. It’s probably better that way.”

  “And why’s that?” he asked.

  “Because, the less you know about me, the better. I’m not an interesting person by any means. I keep to myself and like a quiet life. I try to be invisible as much as possible. So I’m boring, in lesser words. That’s all you really need to know about me.”

  Spencer continued to silently stare at me. Since he didn’t say anything, I went over the rest of the schedule for the day. He nodded occasionally to let me know he was paying attention. When I was finished Spencer stood up and walked across the room. “So you probably know all of this gossip and information about me from the internet, and I know nothing about you. How is this fair?”

  I let out a sigh and fell against the couch. “Are we really going back there?”

  “Yes. I want to know things about the people I work with. My life is an open book for the world to see, and you’re a mystery. You have any and everything you would ever want to know about me at your disposal online.”

  At this, I smirked. “Really Spencer? Are you suggesting that I’ve looked on the internet for information on your life?”

  He tilted his head to the side. “Aren’t you interested?”

  I laughed out loud. “Don’t flatter yourself. I have not looked anything up online about you. And to be honest, whenever you came on TV the other day during the gossip TV show, I turned the channel.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Wow, I’m not sure if I should be impressed or insulted. Aren’t you curious? Or do I just repulse you that much?”

  “Do you want me to be honest?”

  “Brutally.”

  “Alright, here it is. I have no interest in what the internet or gossip shows have to say about you. If I wanted to know things about Spencer Mills, I would ask Spencer Mills, not go to an outside source.
Do you repulse me? No, not at all. I just keep a wall up to protect myself, it’s better than getting hurt or disappointed by people I thought I could trust.”

  Spencer gave me a sad smile. “I can understand that better than anyone, but that’s a lonely way to live.”

  “It’s better than getting hurt. Come on, we need to get you to hair and makeup.” I opened the door and waited for him to follow me out. He was halfway out the door when he stopped and stood in front of me.

  “You can let me in, I won’t hurt you.” He whispered.

  I shut the door and looked up at him. “Too late.”

  I left him standing on the steps and began walking to hair and makeup. I hated being rude, but I needed to protect myself. I refuse to give into his charm. If I let him in, I think I’d be in trouble.

  Since Ryleigh wasn’t at work today, I decided to take lunch to Spencer. Our lunch break was going smoothly, that was until he got a phone call. His demeanor changed instantly when he saw who was calling. “Fuck.” He said under his breath.

  “Yeah.” He answered.

  I continued to eat my lunch and watch TV while he was on the phone. I tried my best not to listen to his conversation, but he was growing louder and louder by the minute.

  “I thought I told you whatever it takes! Just get it done! I’m tired of this shit, Wilson!” His voice made me antsy, but I just continued to mind my business. “I said, ‘I DON’T CARE!’” He slammed the phone down, making me jump. I stood up and emptied my lunch in the trash and started walking towards the door.

  “WHER E ARE YOU GOING?!”

  That voice took me back to the old me, and I instantly froze. The loudness and deepness of his voice reminded me of Wyatt. My heart rate increased, a cold chill running down my spine. My shaking hands were knotted together in front of me; my trembling knees were threatening to give out. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I lost it. My hands instantly flew up and covered the sides of my head in protection, and my stupid knees actually did give out on me. I brought my head between my legs, trying to catch my breath.

  Chapter Eleven

  I had been warned that the first year of marriage is the worst, but I didn’t actually think Wyatt and I would go through any bad spells. We rarely fought before the wedding, but it’s almost become normal for us now. I understand that he is dealing with the pain from the accident, but I’m just praying that it gets better soon.

  With the money Wy got from selling his parent’s house, we bought a small cottage a few miles down the road from Mama and Daddy’s farm. He was able to get a job at a local produce distribution center as a fork lift operator. The salary was enough to pay our utilities, so Wyatt insisted I stayed home and tend to the house. All I expected him to do when he came home was to relax; I took care of everything else. Being a housewife wasn’t my first choice of an occupation, but I was fortunate enough to still have him with me that I would do just about anything he asked.

  His depression seemed to be doing a little better, thanks in part to the medication his doctor prescribed. The pain, on the other hand, hasn’t subsided much. He was referred to a pain management doctor in Shreveport and we went to his first appointment last week. His new pain pills have made a huge difference, helping us get along much better.

  After dinner this evening, I began making a list of things to pick up while in town tomorrow morning. “Wy, you’re about due for refills of your depression meds aren’t you? I can pick them up tomorrow while I’m in town.” He didn’t answer me, so I walked over to the couch he was sitting on. “Hey, did you hear me?”

  He huffed loudly, pointing his beer bottle to the TV. “Becca I’m trying to watch a movie, what do you want?”

  Dang, he’s a little snappy.

  “I asked if you needed me to fill your meds while I’m in town tomorrow, you should be just about out of your depression pills.”

  He took a long pull of his beer before answering. “Nah, I don’t need any of those. You could get my pain meds refilled though, I’ll need them by the weekend.”

  I frowned. “Wyatt, I haven’t had your depression meds filled in almost two months, you should be out, and your pain meds should be lasting you another three weeks. We just had a month’s supply filled last week.”

  He stood up and walked into the bathroom, returning with three full bottles of meds and one half empty bottle.

  I picked them up, examining each. “Wyatt, you haven’t been taking your depression meds.”

  He shrugged. “Don’t need them, I feel fine.”

  I took a deep breath. “You feel fine because you’ve been on them for a while now. You can’t just go off of them suddenly; you’ll be in worse shape than before.”

  He grabbed the three full bottles and threw them in the trash can. “I said I’m fine goddamn it!”

  I walked over to him in attempt to calm him down. I put my hand on his shoulder and he grabbed both my arms, throwing me into the wall. I cracked my head against the wall, putting a dent in the drywall. I was frozen in shock. He’s never once put his hands on me.

  He realized what he did and instantly ran over to me, pulling me in his arms. “Baby, baby I’m so sorry. Becca, oh my god Becca. I didn’t mean to do that Bec. I’ll never touch you like that again. I’m going to take my meds right now and I promise to keep taking them. Don’t leave me Bec, I need you. God, please don’t leave me! You’re all I have left!”

  He began crying, and I knew he didn’t mean to do it. He was just upset and I caught him off guard. If anything, this was my fault. I kissed his cheek and wrapped my arms around him. “Hey, it’s alright. I know you didn’t mean it. I know you won’t ever hurt me. You’re my husband, I won’t leave you. Ever. I promise Wyatt.”

  If only I knew then what I know now…

  Chapter Twelve

  "Kelsey, it's ok. Kelsey, I'm sorry. Will you look at me? Please Kelsey, look up at me."

  I could hear panic in Spencer's voice behind my wall of fear. I slightly turned my head, finding Spencer lying on the floor beside me.

  How did I get on the floor?

  His worried green eyes never left mine as he continued to calmly talk to me. "There you are. Let's breathe, ok? Just slow, deep breaths. You're doing really well, Kelsey. I'm really sorry I yelled at you. I promise I won't do it again, ok? Can you hear me Kelsey?"

  I blinked, trying to register everything he was saying. His calm voice was helping with the anxiety. I gave him a small nod.

  He gave me a small smile. "Good. You're doing so good Kelsey. Is it ok if I just sit here with you?"

  I nodded again. Slowly the anxiety was going away and my breathing was becoming more regular. We both laid there on the hard floor, just looking at each other for what felt like hours. We only broke eye contact one time, and that was when a knock came to the door.

  "I have to answer that. Are you ok down here?" he asked. I nodded. I heard him answer the door, but I didn't look to see who was there.

  "You should have been on the set forty-five minutes ago." A stern female voice said.

  "I'm dealing with something important. I'll be there when I can."

  "Spencer, you're making the entire cast wait! Do you realize how much money you're costing the studio right now?"

  "I said I'll be there when I can. Back off Christine!" He growled.

  I was causing a lot of problems. I had an episode during my first two weeks of work, causing Spencer to be late to the set because he feels responsible, and the studio is losing money. I'm more trouble than I'm worth. I slowly stood up, finally feeling like I had a grip on the situation.

  "Spencer?" My voice was quiet, but it was still enough that the pair of them could hear. He quickly turned around, obviously shocked that I was vertical. He was walking towards me when the door to the trailer shut.

  "Oh, you've got to be fucking joking! THIS is what's important? SPENCER! What the hell are you thinking? We're filming a TV show while you're in here with a little girl? Is she even legal?" Christine wa
s an actress that I had seen on the set earlier in the day. She was beautiful, but obviously outspoken.

  Spencer turned from me, scowling at her. "Get out, Christine." He whispered. She put her hands on her hips. "Spencer, come on! We can't be waiting all day!"

  "Now Christine." His voice was lower...darker. She rolled her eyes, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder. "Jim is not going to like this!" She said, slamming the door behind her.

  He quickly turned back to me. "Are you ok?" His voice was calm, back to normal. He reached his hand out as if he was going to touch me, then quickly retracted it.

  He couldn’t touch me without being afraid of me flipping out again.

  I gave him a sad smile. "I'm really sorry Spencer. I hate that I had an episode here. I'm really sorry, but I'm not sure if-"

  "I'm sorry Kelsey. It’s not your fault. Just hang out here for a while until you're feeling up to coming out to the set."

  I sighed. "I'm not sure this is going to work for-"

  "No, Kelsey. Don't. I've been an ass today. Hell, I’ve been an ass since you’ve met me. I'm sorry. I won't yell at you like that again, I promise. Just chill out in here. Watch TV. Whatever. I'll be back when I'm done." He grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.

  There I stood in the middle of his trailer, alone and confused. What should I do? I'm completely embarrassed that he saw me have a meltdown.

  I hate it.

  I hate that Wyatt has done this to me. I hate that I let him do this to me. I hate that Spencer knows how big of a freak I am now.

  I haven't had a bad episode in a while; I'm not sure why he was the one to set me off. Looking around the trailer, the mess and clutter was making me even more grossed out than before. To keep my mind off of just acting like a total nutcase in front of Spencer, I spent the next hour cleaning it to my standards. I put all his dirty clothes on a pile, collected a full trash bag of garbage, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned the bathroom and put all the scripts on the bookshelf. I found out there was a laundry service on the lot, so I dropped off his clothing and went back to the trailer.