“Thank you,” I tell him. “And I’ll watch out for Reesa.”
This earns me one of my brother’s rare, small smiles.
“Be safe,” I tell him. Then I force him to take a selfie with me for Mom before I leave.
My heart is too heavy on the ride to Rainell’s. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I should be going to Hans’s. My whole body is begging me to go to him. Even as I wash my face and climb into bed, I’m listening, hoping he’ll bang on the door to declare his love. I watch my wall panel, waiting for a message. I toss and turn all night.
When Reesa comes home in the morning, her hair up in a ponytail, her eyes red and puffy from crying, I know the Hornets are gone. Now I give myself permission to mourn because I’ve lost him. Rees hugs me, her hand smoothing down my hair in the back, and the act is so motherly that I miss my own mama something fierce. There’s no way I can spend five more months here.
“I want to go home,” I whisper.
“Me too,” Reesa whispers back.
I look at her, feeling guilty. “You don’t have to leave your mom and Sheralyn early. I can make it home on my own.”
“I know,” she says. “But I want to be with you. You’re my sister. Mom and Dad Lexon, they’re my family now too. This…I don’t miss it. There are things I will always love and respect about Mars, but South Carolina is my home now. It’s where I belong.”
I take her hand. “With me.”
Her smile is watery. “I’ll call the airline and see what they have coming up for Earth travel.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
I don’t have to tell her my heart is broken. She knows. And maybe we both knew this was inevitable. Chasing an intergalactic soldier halfway across the solar system is not the smartest idea I’ve ever had. But I still wouldn’t change any of it. The only thing I’d change is not going to him last night. I couldn’t force his heart to open and let me in, but damn it, I should have used every single minute I had here on Mars trying.
Reesa makes a call after breakfast and the next flight to Earth is in eleven days. We make the most of our last bit of time here on Mars. I think it’s safe to say that neither of us will be coming back. We walk the Marla River and the zoo. We dance to Mars music and laugh with Sheralyn. I gently refuse Hensley’s request to take me home, though in another life I’d most definitely say yes. Such a cutie.
I’m ready to go after those eleven days, and I’m secretly super glad Reesa decided to leave with me. I’m not sure I could have handled the long trip home without her. Especially when I get deathly sick in our second month of traveling. On my third day of puking and extreme lethargy, Rees sends the ship doctor to see me.
A smarter person would have probably put two and two together at that point, but I’m a little slow. Pregnancy was never on my radar.
“That’s not possible,” I tell the doctor adamantly when he takes my blood and passes it to his helper, who runs off to the ship’s lab.
“You didn’t partake of sexual intercourse on Mars?” Ew. The word intercourse is so sterile. And he’s so Mars-y in his matter-of-fact sex talk. Also, I’m freaking the fuck out.
“I mean, I did, but he was on the male pill thingy.”
“Ah.” He smiles. “Well, you see, it’s still a fairly new medication and unfortunately the male pill is only ninety-five percent effective compared to the ninety-nine percent effectiveness of female birth control. Many factors can bring down the effectiveness even further, such as drugs, alcohol, and other medications.”
“Oh, God.”
I’m sweating. It’s good that I’m sitting down. And good that Reesa’s not in here to witness my downpour of sweat and shaking voice.
“I think I just have a bug.”
“I assure you the ship is quite sterile.”
“Nobody ever gets sick on your ship?”
“Only when they come aboard with an infection in their system that somehow wasn’t caught by our stringent testing.”
Is it possible to pass out while in the seated position?
“Were you not on birth control?” he asks. Again, not with judgement, just a sort of curiosity and surprise.
“It’s a long story.” Shit, I feel like such a fool for not being more careful. “My Earth doctor put me on something before I left for Mars, but it made me bleed heavily every eight or nine days. So on the ship to Mars the doctor tried another kind, but it gave me migraines. I was supposed to see the doctor on Mars to try another kind, but…things got busy and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be having sex.” I squirm, ashamed of how naïve I’d been. He nods at me with a small smile in place.
The nurse bustles back in, and I stare at her happy little face as she stops with her hands clasped behind her back.
“Results?” the doctor asks.
“Positive for pregnancy, doctor.”
“Thank you.”
Holy shit.
He turns to me as she swishes out of my room. The doctor smiles and I burst into tears.
Oh, my God. OH, MY GOD. I’m pregnant with Hans’s baby. Rawk is going to be a daddy. He needs to know.
I throw the covers off. “I have to tell him.” I need Reesa.
“Whoa, whoa.” The doctor chuckles as he rushes over to help me out of the bed. “Is there a young man on Mars we need to contact?”
“No, a Hornet on an intergalactic mission.”
He literally flinches and looks frightened. “Oh, my.” The doctor clears his throat. “You’re clearly surprised by this news. Are congratulations in order or do we need to set up an appointment to speak about options?”
“I think once the shock wears off I’ll be happy.” I manage a smile, which he returns, then I rush past him to the wall panel and dial Reesa’s room. She answers right away.
“I need you,” I say.
She gives a curt nod and the comm disappears.
The doctor stands before me with his fatherly smile. “I’ll send over some anti-nausea medication and some other helpful items, along with reading material. Then we’ll set up a quick appointment to do an internal sonogram and check the heartbeat.”
“W-we can do that? Already?”
He smiles. “Of course.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. He nods and leaves me standing there in complete shock.
Thirty seconds later my door is sliding open and Rees runs in.
“What’d he say? What’s wrong?”
“We have to get in touch with the guys, Rees. I’m not sick. I’m pregnant.”
She jolts and lets out a squeak of surprise, slapping both hands over her mouth before rushing forward and squeezing the air out of my lungs.
She pulls back. “You guys had sex!”
“Yeah, I probably should have told you. I’m sorry. It was just once.”
“It’s okay. Oh, my gosh! Your mom is going to die!”
“My mom!” We laugh, then get weepy, then laugh again before she gets serious. I’m shaking so hard I have to sit. I can’t believe this is happening.
“It’s nearly impossible to speak to the crew once they set out. They won’t take the chance of any comms getting intercepted.”
I’m shaking too hard. “I have to tell him. He needs to know before he gets there.” This could change everything for him.
“Okay.” She rubs my arms. “This is what we’re going to do. Let’s record a message and we’ll send it. Sometimes if they get to a secure location they’ll scramble data so they can read messages from home, even though they can’t respond bak. There’s no guarantee, but it’s worth a try.”
“Yeah.” New hope is fluttering in my chest. The entire sensation is foreign and beautiful. “Reesa…I’m going to be a mom.”
“You’re going to be the best mom.”
I stand to hug her and a wave of queasiness hits me. “This cannot be normal. I’ve seriously been puking every waking hour.” I press a hand to my stomach, then run to the bathroom.
Turns out from all the readin
g material, my all-day sickness is very normal. And it really, really sucks. I wait until I’ve got audio of the baby’s heartbeat recorded on my phone, and a printout of the wee bean from the sonogram before I make the video for Hans. Reesa records me three times before I can finally get through the message without sobbing.
“Hi, Hans. I know I promised I’d leave you alone, but this time I’m bothering you on behalf of someone else.” I smile and let out a shaking breath, then hold up the sonogram photo. “Looks like we accidentally made a little something on Mars. A little person.” I wipe my eyes. “I’m due January 25th. Whether or not you want to be with me, I hope you will make it home to meet your son or your daughter.” I take a deep shuddering breath and let it out. “And here is the video of the baby’s heartbeat.” I hold up my phone to the screen. The womp-womp coincides with the tiny thumping heart on the screen. It’s really quite magical. I put my phone down and smile at the screen.
“Have a safe mission, Hans. We’ll be waiting when you make it back out of the stars.” I blow him a kiss and Reesa shuts it off before I cry again.
“So, that’s it,” I say. “Now we wait.”
“Unfortunately, when you love a Hornet, it’s all about the wait. Now, can I treat you to a ginger ale and crackers?”
My stomach turns, though I know I need to try to eat something. “Yes, Aunt Reesa.”
She squeals and does a little happy dance at the sound of her upcoming moniker, and I know no matter what happens, no matter what difficulties and heartaches the future may bring, the baby and I will be okay. I have the best support group. But I’ll never stop wishing for Hans.
EPILOGUE
Twenty Months Later
Mama and Daddy tried their best to get me to live with them forever, but it was time. I got my own place. A little three bedroom, one-level home on a half-acre in a sweet neighborhood that backs up to farmland. I’m eight minutes from my parents, by car, and sixteen minutes from Russ’s big property that they’ll be building on when he gets home, God willing.
We haven’t heard a single word from the guys since they left. I pray every day.
Today is chilly, nearly Valentine’s day. Devy is in an adorable camo sweatshirt and jeans with a fuzzy bear hat. His cheeks are bright red as I swing him from the yellow plastic swing my dad hung from a tree branch.
“More!” Devy calls, raising a pudgy hand in the air. It’s his favorite word. Though admittedly he doesn’t have many words yet. He just turned one.
“More swings? You wanna go higher?”
“Yes!” But it comes out like yesh with his little baby lisp.
I giggle and push him a touch higher. Someday his thrill-seeking nature is going to give me gray hair. My phone buzzes in my back pocket and I pull it out without missing a push of the swing.
“Hey, Rees.”
“Lanna! I just heard from Russ!”
My stomach drops and I step away, my heart beating so loud in my ears I can’t even hear Devy shouting, “More, Mama, more!”
“W-what did he say?”
“Listen…Rawko was shot—”
I drop the phone as I slide down against the tree trunk.
“Lanna!” Rees’s tiny voice is squeaky as I pick up the phone from the leaves with a shaking hand. “Lan, are you there, sweetie?”
“I’m here,” I whisper.
“You scared me, I thought you passed out. He’s okay, Lan! He was shot in the leg, but he’s okay. He’s been recovering on the ship the past seven months.”
I let out a huffing laugh, covering my mouth with the back of my hand. He’s alive! Thank you, God.
“He’s okay,” I whisper.
“He got your message before they got to their mission. Russ said it was a godsend. They’ll be here in two days.”
“I can’t believe it,” I breathe. Devy starts to full on cry when the swing stops, and I jump up to push him again, laughing with relief.
“Aw, how’s my little Devster?”
“Naughty as ever. He’s lucky he’s so cute. Last night he climbed out of his crib ten minutes after I put him to bed. I came out of the bathroom and found him coloring all over the dining room wall!”
Reesa snortles and I shake my head at Dev’s giggle. “I color!” But it sounds more like “cowor.”
“Did, um…” I swallow hard. “Did Russ say anything about what Hans thinks about all of this?”
“No. We didn’t talk long. He just said that Hans is coming to meet his son.”
“I wonder what he thinks of the name.” I’d been sending regular monthly videos to Hans, knowing he’d open them if he could, but wouldn’t be able to respond until back in Earth’s orbit. Even then, they didn’t like to communicate with any civilian lines from the ship.
“Russ said when Hans got your video about the birth, he came running into the entertainment room on the ship shouting about his baby boy, Joshua Devlar Rawko, and everyone cheered. Then your brother made him sit down because he was supposed to be on bedrest with his leg. It was the first time they’d seen him smile in almost a year.”
I smile at the image. Then I let out a huge exhale. He wants to meet his son. That’s good. But it doesn’t mean he’ll stay around. His family is all up in St. Louis. I talk to his sister and mom all the time, and they made a road trip out last summer to meet Devy. I made sure to get in touch with them as soon as I got to Earth so they knew they had a new family member coming. I was terrified about how they’d respond, but they took to me with love and respect right away. Apparently, Hans had completely pulled away from them in recent years, so it was like having a small piece of him back in their lives.
Military life is hard on the whole family.
I guess I’ll find out in two more days what Hans’s mindset is now. I’m mentally prepared for the worst, though my heart is, and always will be, soft and pliant and filled with the glitter of hope.
Despite the fact that it’s winter, I’m sweating my ass off as I pace my parents’ kitchen. I wish they hadn’t thrown so many logs on the damn fire. I put on a cute black, stretchy dress that I hadn’t worn since Mars, and I’m depressed at how it feels tight on me. I haven’t quite lost all of the baby weight yet, and my body feels different. I’m not out there dating or anything, so it feels weird after all this time to hope I look attractive with extra curves.
My hair is longer now, to my elbows, and I’ve got it curled in big waves. Long hair makes me feel feminine and sexy, so that’s a plus. But I opted to let the highlights grow out, so it’s more of a natural brown.
“Stop pacing, darling,” Mama whispers, patting my bottom as she passes. I shake out my hands and close my eyes. The sound of Devy’s fussing makes my heart drop. The guys hit traffic and are running late. I wanted to keep Dev awake but it’s already an hour past his naptime and I don’t want his first time meeting his daddy to consist of a tantrum. I reluctantly take him from his granddaddy’s lap and kiss his chubby cheek.
“Snuggle time,” I say.
“’nuggle,” he repeats, laying his sweet head on my shoulder.
One thing I’ll say for my boy. He plays hard and sleeps hard, never fighting me when it’s time to hit the sack. I lay him down in the pack and play in the guest room, pushing a lock of dark blond hair from his warm forehead. I leave him and proceed to pace in the kitchen. All of the prep work is done for our meal.
I nearly jump out of my skin when the door opens and Reesa walks in looking radiant. She comes straight to me with a huge smile and we hug.
“God, I’m so nervous,” I admit. “I’m sweating like a pig.”
“Don’t be. There’s no pressure, okay? Whatever happens, you and J.D. are going to be fine.” J.D. Devy. Our little man has lots of nicknames. Reesa squeezes both of my hands.
I shake my head. I’ve done a lot of research on PTSD since my time with Hans. There comes to a point where he has to want to get better, for himself, not for anyone else. And until he’s better, I’m not going to pressure him to be in
our lives. I don’t know where he’s at in that journey anymore. All I can do is hope.
When the sound of tires on gravel comes at us through the screen door, I want to run into the guest room and hide with Devy. I know it’s cowardly, but I’m scared. It’s not until my daddy walks up beside me, chest out, and peers down at me with pride that I stand a little taller and nod. I follow them out. Mom and Reesa rush the car, Mom crying, and I lean against the railing on the porch steps. It feels better out here in the cooler air.
I watch Russell get out and hug mom, then Reesa, then Dad. I always forget that he even towers over our father, a man who’s larger than life. My brother has grown a dark beard with a few specks of gray. It’s trimmed close and looks fantastic on him. Reese rubs it and smiles. She likey.
And then Hans steps out of the passenger side. His eyes find me across the driveway right away, and for a long while we both just stare, my heart squeezing and dancing and shivering. I wonder what he’s thinking as he looks at me. I know what I’m thinking. That he’s as gorgeous as always. The man could sell any product if they put him on the screen. All he’d have to do is walk past the camera and women would be throwing money. But that’s the least important thing about him to me right now. I want to know how he’s looking on the inside.
His eyes only break from mine when Reesa walks over and hugs him. I suck in a breath of cool air and let it out with shaking lungs.
“Everyone come in, come in!” Mom says. “Out of the cold. I’ve got a roast in the oven!”
I force myself to stay right where I am. When Russ gets to me I hug him around the waist and he hugs me back. “Where’s little man?”
“Napping,” I say. He smiles, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen excitement like that in my brother’s eyes. It warms my heart and I’m eternally grateful for his love of a nephew he hasn’t even met yet.
Everyone passes, going through the front door and letting the screen door clatter closed, leaving Hans to approach me. He walks with a slight limp from his leg wound…more like a pimp limp. Of course Hans could make an injury work to his advantage. He stops at the bottom of the steps and I pull my bottom lip between my teeth. He’s got the finest of lines around his eyes, making him look more mature.
Out of the Stars (Into the Stars Book 2) Page 11