“Failed me? Now why in heaven’s name would you think that?” Blue eyes narrowed in speculation, concentration, a look she knew well as she’d seen it often when he examined a patient, read over a file...tried to fix the employee coffee machine. “You’ll have to explain.”
One tear, then another dripped slowly down Andi’s cheek. In real life or just in her mind, in her pretend conversation with Hugh? She didn’t know. Didn’t care, either. “I didn’t get to you in time, and then...I didn’t...I didn’t do what I should have. I left you, Hugh. I left you lying there, in a pool of blood, and I didn’t even check your pulse. I just...left you.”
“Of course you left,” he said, his voice crisp and matter-of-fact. “And that is exactly what you should’ve done, what I would’ve ordered you to do. You knew, in the way we do in this profession, when it’s too late. It was too late for me. I was gone and, honey, you knew.”
“Right, but I should’ve—”
“What? Risked your life for a dead man?” he asked bluntly. “No. You should not have.”
“Hugh! Listen to me, and—”
He held up a hand. “You listen to me. You still had a chance, I didn’t. The choice you made was exactly right, and if you stop crucifying yourself, you’ll see the truth of this.”
Oh, she knew that tone. And, yes, even though this was her imagination, she believed in these words...that Hugh would really say them, if he could. “Okay. I’ll give that a go.”
“Good,” he said, his quirky, crooked smile back in full force. “Hey, by the way, I heard a great joke the other day. Wanna hear?”
“You know I do.”
* * *
With Hugh’s cheerful voice resonating in her mind, the greatest part of that one-thousand-pound weight she’d hauled around for so long cracked, broke in half and lightened. And while it didn’t completely disappear, the relief was instantaneous.
So much so that she sighed in contentment, snuggled in deeper to the warmth of Ryan and the blanket and finally released the lock that had held her hostage. She allowed the bliss of sleep to crawl in and sweep her away, to a place of healing, the place she so needed.
* * *
An hour later, Ryan continued to stroke Andi’s hair, her cheeks, and kept his body as still as possible. She slept, seemingly peacefully. She needed to keep sleeping, and if that meant he sat here all night and into tomorrow, he would. His first appointment in the morning wasn’t until nine. He had zero doubt she’d wake before then. So, yeah, his plan was to stay put.
When her aunt and uncle arrived home, he felt certain he could explain the necessity of allowing Andi to remain undisturbed without giving away any of her secrets. They loved her. They lived with her. They had to have some idea of their niece’s exhaustion even if she hadn’t uttered one word of her nightmares to them. Knowing Andi, she hadn’t.
Truth be told, his heart had damn near split in half as she opened up, spoke of her guilt—needless, in Ryan’s opinion, but fully understandable—and regrets from that god-awful day. She’d coupled a terrifying experience with a high level of self-destructive emotion—a combination that would give anyone debilitating nightmares. Including him.
If he had the ability, he’d take on all she carried for himself. Naturally, he didn’t. He couldn’t. So he had gone with the best alternate tack he could in suggesting she consider all she knew about Hugh, and what he might think if she could talk to him. And he hoped she’d found success, had gotten the answer she so desperately needed. Based on her even, calm breathing as she slept, he would bet that she had. But he wouldn’t know for sure until she woke.
And maybe not even then, if her stubborn, independent streak returned.
Stretching his legs under the coffee table, Ryan closed his eyes and allowed himself the pleasure that having Andi so near brought. He yearned to care for this woman in so many ways. Rub her shoulders after a long day. Bring her coffee in the morning. Elicit a smile or a laugh when something had her down. Pull her into his arms and kiss her, as often as possible, so she knew how much she was desired. Loved and cared for and... Wait a minute. Loved?
Nah. He wasn’t there, couldn’t be there, yet. But the possibility of loving Andi had strengthened tonight as he saw her courage and her fragility. Her soul. Yeah. He might not love her now, but he knew himself well enough to realize that was a temporary state of affairs.
It wouldn’t be long until his heart leaped and took that final plunge. A day. Two. Next week or, hell, thirty seconds from now or another five minutes. Soon, though.
And he hoped, oh, how he hoped, he was ready for the fall.
Chapter Eight
Yawning, Andi stretched her arms at her side and shifted. Yawned again and opened her eyes, wincing at the bright morning light and wondered what had caused her neck to ache so darn much, and... Now, wait a minute. She blinked. Why was she on the living room couch?
Oh. No.
Embarrassment flooded her cheeks...hell, her entire body, with tingly prickles of heat as the prior evening’s events came into complete focus. Ryan had shown up, she’d told him...everything and then she’d curled up on his lap as if she were a puppy begging for attention. Then...oh, Lord...then, after her pretend conversation with Hugh, she hadn’t behaved like any normal person would. Oh, no. She’d gone and fallen asleep. In. Ryan’s. Lap.
Carefully, as if she were still sleeping, she rolled to her side to see if Ryan remained on the couch with her, and...no. At some point, he must have found a way to disengage himself, leaving her to continue to rest on her own. That was good. If he was still here, she didn’t know how she’d face him. Not so quickly and not without a good amount of preparation.
But...wow. She had fallen asleep. She’d actually slept, solidly, without even a hint of the nightmare she’d had every single night for the past many months. Due to her confession, Ryan’s presence or the “talk” she’d had with Hugh, which somehow felt as real and true as the sunlight streaming in the curtains? Or had all three, with her exhaustion tossed in, done the trick?
Would she be able to sleep tonight, without her head nestled in Ryan’s lap?
Well, that remained to be seen. But, wow, in this moment, she felt good. Other than her embarrassment, of course, and even that seemed to be dwindling by the second. If Ryan hadn’t wanted to be here with her, he wouldn’t have been. Due to his compassionate nature, she had little doubt that he would’ve contacted her aunt and uncle, or Haley or any one of her other cousins, to make sure she wasn’t alone...but he would not have stuck around.
So, in this case, embarrassment was a wasted emotion.
And, okay, she’d enjoyed his attention, his care. Him. She’d bared her soul and she knew with a certainty that defied reason that she wouldn’t have done so with any other person. Sensible or not, a connection existed with this man, with Ryan, and had almost from the moment they met. Which meant she had some thinking to do. Today. And a few decisions to make.
First, a shower. A strong cup of coffee. Some breakfast.
Andi refolded the blanket and situated the throw pillows on the sofa, stretched again and, feeling more centered and freer than she had in too long, grabbed a change of clothes and went to the bathroom. She took a long, deliciously hot shower, her thoughts on the release that purging her soul had given, the imaginary conversation with Hugh and, yes...Ryan. Lord, that man was never far from her thoughts. It should be annoying, really.
But she liked thinking about Ryan. Oh, why hadn’t she kissed him when she’d had the chance? She should have, wished she’d allowed her temptation to overtake her logical, sane brain. Closing her eyes under the hot streaming water, she brought her fingers to her lips and stroked them from corner to corner, wondering—fantasizing—that Ryan’s mouth was on hers.
What that would feel like, the full sensory experience.
A hot wash of pure desire curled into a tight, hard ball in her lower stomach, weighty and full and...and tantalizing—so very tantalizing—before slowly branching out and up and through her body...cell by cell, limb by limb, until every part of her, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes, trembled from the need. This oh-so-tangible intense need she felt for Ryan.
Stronger than anything she’d experienced before. Ever.
That had to mean something, didn’t it? Oh, she wanted to believe so, but how could she under the current circumstances? She was his client. His patient. How much of what she felt was due to the care he’d given her in that role? She wouldn’t know, couldn’t know, if she remained under his professional care, which meant...she had to sever that connection.
The sooner the better, so she could focus on discovering the truth.
Andi shut off the water and, after toweling herself dry and getting dressed, clipped her hair away from her face and headed for the kitchen. Sustenance was called for, before she acted on her decision. Before she lost her courage to explain her reasoning to Ryan, so he understood that her decision wasn’t to run from him, but to see if she could, perhaps, run to him.
Hmm. She probably shouldn’t phrase her explanation in quite that way. She might scare him off, if she did, and make him think she was a crazy person with false expectations when, really, she had zero expectations. She just needed to define this attraction, this desire, she had for Ryan. Even then, assuming the best on both sides of the equation, she still wouldn’t expect a single thing. But she might be willing to hope for possibilities she couldn’t yet consider.
Yeah. That sounded right.
Stomach grumbling, Andi walked into the kitchen and stopped short at the sight of her aunt sitting at the table reading the paper. The house had felt empty when she woke.
“Morning,” she said to Margaret. “I didn’t know you were still here or I would’ve said hi before jumping into the shower. Going to the pub later today, I take it?”
Margaret glanced up from the newspaper and smiled. “Good morning to you, sweetheart. And no worries, I was tending to the garden until...oh, fifteen minutes ago, I’d say. And actually, I’m not working at all today. I thought we could spend some time together.”
“I would love that,” Andi said, pouring a mug of coffee. She grabbed a bagel from the pantry and a tub of cream cheese from the fridge. “What do you have in mind? I have a few...areas that need my attention this morning, but after that, I’m good.”
“Daisy has some free hours this afternoon, and she wants to shop for new clothes for the twins. I thought you could join us, and then perhaps we’ll stop for lunch.” Her aunt waited until Andi had finished preparing her breakfast and had joined her at the table before continuing. “The other girls—Haley, Rachel and Chelsea—might join us, too. Depending on if they can clear their schedules. This was sort of a last-minute idea.”
“Oh, I hope everyone can come! I’d really like to get to know the females in this family better, and other than Haley, I haven’t seen any of the girls since the barbecue.” If possible, she’d like to forge friendships with these women. “So, yes, I’m definitely in.”
“That’s excellent news. We should have fun.” Margaret sipped her coffee and then tapped the side of her cup with her fingers. “Do you feel up to talking about what happened last night? Ryan didn’t offer much of an explanation, other than stating you’d had a rough afternoon and since you were finally sleeping, he didn’t want to jar you by standing or moving you.”
Strangely, now that she’d had the discussion once, it didn’t bother her to give Margaret a capsulized version of the truth. She told her quickly and succinctly about what had happened at the hospital with Hugh, her resulting nightmares and exhaustion, and how Ryan had been there to listen. How he’d offered his advice and support. And how she’d finally slept.
“It was rough,” she said as she came to the end of the story, “but it’s over now, and I feel like an entirely new person.” Or rather, more like the person she once was, though not that exactly, either. But that made sense. “Crazy how easy it is to take something like sleep for granted.”
“Until you don’t have the luxury, for whatever reason, yes.” Settling against the back of her chair, Margaret released a sigh. “I’ve known something was wrong, obviously, but didn’t want to pry. Maybe I should have, at least a little. Maybe then you would’ve felt comfortable coming to me or Paul. I’m so glad that you had Ryan to lean on, honey.”
Warmth touched Andi’s cheeks. Not only had she leaned on Ryan, she’d slept on him. And liked it. A lot. “Yeah,” she said, paying a great deal of attention to her bagel. “Me, too.”
“I’m here for you, Andi. I truly hope you know that.”
“I do. And I appreciate it, very much so.”
“You know,” her aunt said, flipping to the next page in the newspaper, “Ryan was still here this morning when I came downstairs. He said you hadn’t budged when he finally decided he should head home, get ready for the day. He seems to be a very caring individual.”
And because her aunt was right, all Andi said was, “He is.”
Silence loomed, but not an uncomfortable one. Andi continued to eat her bagel and drink her coffee, while her aunt focused on the paper. But...wow. Again. For whatever reason, her assumption had been that Ryan had left shortly after she fell asleep, not that he’d stayed the entire night. The thought of him sitting there, on the sofa, probably becoming more uncomfortable as the night wore on, seemed rather extraordinary.
Who did that, other than a mother or father with their ill child?
But Ryan had. And that reminded her yet again of how he’d wanted to kiss her, and had even suggested a path of some sort to walk down with him. If she was ready.
Suddenly, it became of the utmost urgency to finalize her earlier decision with action. Why bother waiting? If she wanted to embark on this path with Ryan, see where it might lead, her choice was to start as soon as possible. Summer wouldn’t last forever.
Andi rinsed her cup and plate, put both in the dishwasher and turned toward her aunt, saying, “Let me go take care of a few loose ends, and then I’m ready whenever you are. For shopping and lunch and girl talk. I’m...really excited. Thank you for thinking of me.”
“You’re one of the girls,” Margaret said with a light laugh, “so naturally, I thought of you. And there isn’t any rush. It’ll be an hour or two before we leave. Take your time.”
Already lost in her own head, Andi nodded and returned to her bedroom. There, she pulled up an old email from her Rhode Island physical therapist, with his recommendations for who to hire here in Steamboat Springs. Ryan’s name topped the list, which was why he had been her first call. There were a handful of others, most of whom worked at a local medical center.
A solid enough choice. She called and asked a few questions, explained her needs and scheduled an appointment for the end of the week, with the promise that she’d have her medical file sent over as soon as possible. Disconnecting the call, she stared at her mobile. Ryan was next. She hoped he understood that being fired meant something good, something hopeful, and not that she was unhappy or disappointed with the work they’d done together.
Unfortunately, when she called, she received his voice mail. Likely, he was in the middle of a session at that precise second. She left him a hurriedly spoken message, asking if he could return her call at his earliest convenience, that she had something important to discuss. And then, mostly on a whim, she followed that message with one on Facebook. Just in case.
Oh. He’d left her a message the other night, on her solo-drive day, and...well. If she’d seen his advice earlier, she certainly would’ve given the suggestion a shot. And, yes, if tonight or tomorrow night or whenever her nightmare reappeared, she’d absolutely listen to a selection of soothing music. In fact, she was surpri
sed she hadn’t tried that before on her own.
But she couldn’t deny the truth that stirred in her heart. She was glad she hadn’t seen this message, because if she had and it had proved a success, she wouldn’t have shared the smallest morsel of her guilt. She wouldn’t have “talked” to Hugh. And she would’ve denied herself the wonder of a full night’s sleep while being cradled in Ryan’s arms with her head in his lap.
All of the above had propelled her to where she now stood: feeling so very alive, hopeful and...well, hungry—ravenous, really—for Ryan’s kiss.
* * *
Rounding the last bend on the path to the hot spring, Ryan slowed his steps. Startling Andi, possibly panicking her, by an abrupt and noisy arrival was not the best idea. He also had the desire to just look at her for a minute, before learning the reason for the messages she’d left on his voice mail and Facebook. Messages he hadn’t seen or heard until an hour earlier.
Due to a crazy workday that had begun at his place with four of his private-practice clients and then continued at the hospital for one of his weekly stints, he hadn’t even stopped for lunch. And while he’d dozed some last night, on the Fosters’ sofa, tiredness had crept in as the day marched forward. He’d thought he’d grab a quick nap after work, but Andi’s messages had changed that intention.
She had something important to discuss. What that topic might be, Ryan couldn’t guess, but there wasn’t any way on the face of this earth he would put off a conversation Andi deemed important. He’d tried to phone her, but the call had rolled directly to voice mail, telling him that her mobile was either powered off or she was somewhere without service.
Concerned and curious, Ryan drove to her aunt and uncle’s house instead of heading home, hoping to find her there. He hadn’t, but Margaret had kindly informed him of Andi’s whereabouts—the hot spring—and shared that she was in good spirits. Thanked him for helping her niece, and said they’d spent a lovely afternoon together, shopping and talking. Oh, and that Andi had apparently awakened that morning within ten minutes of his departure.
From Good Guy To Groom (The Colorado Fosters #6) Page 12