“No! Logan. You can’t. They’ll sense the teleport and be here in seconds.”
Ax removes his hand and presses his body down on top of mine while his mouth travels a line up my neck toward my mouth.
Logan is screaming, and panic is doing a right number on me. Bucking, I try to flip Ax off, but he puts his full weight on me, pinning my wrists together above my head. His solid mass restricts any attempt at movement. He thrusts his hips against me as his lips attack mine. “You’re mine, Sadie. I had you first, and you will always be mine. Don’t tell me you don’t want this because I see how your body’s reacting to me. You want this too, so stop resisting. I’ll make it good for you.” His breath oozes out in aroused spurts as one hand travels lower on my body again, caressing my curves.
I bite down hard on his lower lip, drawing blood. Yelling, he rears up, slapping me across the face. My head spins, and my vision blurs as tears cascade freely down my cheeks. “Please, stop, Ax. Don’t do this.” I can barely get the words out over my choking sobs and the blood rushing to my head.
His hips continue to grind painfully into me, and for a split second, I think I see a flicker of concern in his eyes, but it’s gone far too fast for me to confirm it. Ripping his contacts from his eyes, he stares at me through lust-fueled blue eyes that are far too familiar. “Maybe this will make it better for you. Just pretend I’m him.”
Horrified, I examine him through fuzzy eyes, wondering how he’s fallen this far. Sobbing hysterically, I try to wrestle him off me again, but he’s far too strong and his grip is too tight. His mouth is moving lower down my body, and I’m begging him to stop.
“Use your gift, Sadie. Finish him now!” Logan is yelling in my head, and his panic-strewn emotions are clouding my judgment, adding to the confusion.
“No, Logan! I can’t kill him. I can’t.”
“Then I’m coming to get you. You leave me no choice. I will not stand by and do nothing while he assaults you.”
“Ax, please don’t do this. I’m begging you. This isn’t the way. You’ll make me hate you. Is that what you want?” He stops for a minute, looking down at me through hooded eyes. “Because I will hate you if you go through with this.” I can’t read his expression, can’t fathom what is going through his head right now, but I hope I’m starting to get through to him.
I need to keep talking.
“Please, Ax. Don’t make me do this. You’ll make a mockery of everything we’ve ever shared. I know you’re hurting, and I hate myself for that, but this isn’t the way to fix things. This isn’t who you are.”
The only sound in the room is our joint, ragged breathing. My heart feels like it’s stalled in my chest as I wait for his response. Gradually, his lips curve up on one side, transforming into a hideous sneer. “That’s where you’re wrong, babe. This is me. You’ve created this monster. I hope you’re proud.”
CHAPTER 9
Logan
My fist slams into the wall of the ship, and I welcome the stinging pain. Pressing my forehead against the cool metal panel, I try to quell the raging horror churning my insides to the point of hurling. Nausea rises in my throat as my breath leaks out in agonized spurts. Sadie’s emotions are all over the place, and I know my own tumultuous feelings aren’t helping the situation, but I can’t calm down. Not when he’s forcing her …
I slump to the ground, lifting my knees and burying my face in my hands. My chest visibly heaves as the torturous images and sensations float through my mind. I’ve never felt so helpless. Like I’m drowning in a vast ocean, miles from land, struggling to keep my head above water. That’s exactly what this feels like. She’s miles away, deep in enemy territory, and the only way I can save her is to risk both our lives.
I jerk my head up, scrambling to my feet. Haydn surveys me with concern.
I don’t care about the consequences.
I must stop him. I won’t let him hurt her, ruin her.
“Give me my comport back,” I demand through gritted teeth.
“I’m sorry, Logan, but I’m not returning it to you. Sacrificing yourself is the last thing Sadie would want. Give her time. She’ll talk him around.”
“There isn’t time, asshole!” I scream, shoving him hard. “He’s forcing himself on her, and if I don’t get there right now, it’ll be too late.” I pick up a supply box and hurl it across the empty cabin.
“Logan.” Haydn places his hand on my shoulder, and I lose it. I thrust my fist in his face, hitting him with the full strength of my rage. Blood slicks out of his nose as he falls to the ground.
I stalk toward the cockpit, prepared to rip Rylan’s comport from his wrist if I have to.
My hand is curled around the cockpit door when I’m yanked back with force. “No.” Haydn is adamant. “You are not teleporting to Torc.”
When he lets go of me, I let my fists fly again.
This time he retaliates.
The first blow hits me square on the jaw, but I barely feel a twinge. I lunge for Haydn as the full extent of Sadie’s fear and frustration bounces viciously around my skull like a battering ram.
“Aagghh!” Dropping to my knees, I clutch my head in my hands. I race through the connection, following her light, desperately needing to comfort her.
“You’re right, Logan.” Her agony punches holes in my heart. “He’s too far gone. There is no other way.”
Sweet relief mixes with heartache as the cuff bands around her wrists shatter into pieces.
CHAPTER 10
Sadie
All my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. He’s devouring my mouth, and his hands are exploring my body, and he’s lost somewhere inside himself. I can tell by his expression and his actions that he’s preparing to go through with it. It’s this point where I finally acknowledge that all hope is lost. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but my own self-preservation demands I stop him before he goes all the way.
And I’m not doing this purely to spare me.
If the only way I can save him is to hurt him, then I’ll do it.
My cuff bands break apart as I burrow into that calm inner place in my mind, blocking out everything Ax is doing to me, ignoring Logan’s pain, and focusing on centering my mind. I imagine water lapping gently in my mind, peaceful and relaxing, like a special balm. When I’m fully relaxed and open, I summon my firepower, and it spreads quickly through me, igniting every part of me and suffusing me with confidence.
Sparks flare at my wrists, itching to be let free, but I keep it contained, hovering and waiting until I decide to unleash it.
If I decide to unleash it.
Ax stops immediately, straightening up as he stares at me. His legs still straddle my hips.
I swallow the bile in my mouth. “Don’t make me do this. Don’t make me hurt you.” Tears build again in my eyes, but I work hard to shake them free. If I lose control, even for a split second, I risk killing him. And I could never live with myself if that happened.
“You hate me that much?”
“No, Ax. I’m prepared to do this because I love you. Because I won’t sit here and let you turn into some warped male version of your mother. And I won’t let you defile my body against my will and destroy every good memory I have of you. If you continue what you’ve started, I will hate you.” My voice starts to break, and I close my eyes, inwardly coaching myself to keep it together. When I open my eyes again, he’s staring blankly into space. He’s still straddling me, and the danger isn’t over, but at least he’s stopped, and he’s engaging in conversation.
Maybe I can talk him down from the ledge.
“Why give me access to my memories again only to destroy them straightaway?” He stares deep into my eyes, the storm raging wildly in his gaze. “Is this the lasting memory you want me to have of you? Because if you do this, you are dead to me. Our past is dead to me. There can be no coming back from something like this.”
Ax’s face crumples, and he stares forlornly at me, opening and closing his mouth wi
thout speaking. I watch him carefully, noting the flickering emotions as reality starts seeping in. We stay like that, staring silently at one another for a few minutes, and I can sense Logan waiting frantically for things to play out.
I shiver as a cold breeze wafts over my bare skin.
Slowly and silently, Ax lifts off me. With replenished tenderness, he pulls the covers up over me, averting his gaze the entire time. I watch him like a hawk, still on tenterhooks.
He pinches the bridge of his nose as he scans the room for his clothes. He fists clumps of his hair, and his body is stiff with tension. Putting on his pants and then gathering up the remaining items of clothing in his arms, he walks out of the room without uttering a word. A minute later, I hear the suite door click shut, and I release the breath I’d been holding.
I lean my head back against the headboard as the flames take one final lick of my wrists before retreating. I slump on my side, physically and mentally drained.
“Sadie.” Logan’s voice is more even-keeled in my mind. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay. Stay with me? I need to sense you, to feel your soul, to find some way of warding off this chill inside me.”
“Always, Angel. Always.” Logan’s comforting thoughts filter through the line as he tells me over and over how much he loves and misses me. Exhaustion consumes me, and I fall asleep with his adoring words rebounding through my mind.
I wake up with a start, sensing eyes boring a hole in my skull. Logan is still connected with me, and he reacts with renewed alertness.
Ax is on the floor with his back against the wall, staring at me through red-rimmed eyes.
My heart starts beating furiously in my chest, and I grip the covers firmly around my partially-clothed body. He climbs to his feet, and my eyes dart wide in panic. Adrenaline courses through me, and a familiar heat ignites my insides.
Noticing my reaction, he drops back down to the floor. Tears pool in his eyes as he hangs his head. “Sadie, I’m so sorry,” he whispers. Tears spill onto his cheeks. “I truly am. I … I’m so ashamed of myself. I can’t believe I did that. I couldn’t see beyond my rage. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, how else to apologize. I … How much do you hurt?” His voice cracks as he asks the question.
“A lot, Ax,” I whisper, refusing to lie. “But it could’ve been a whole lot worse.”
“Don’t do that.” He shakes his head in disgust. “Don’t try to make me feel better. I don’t deserve it. You should have killed me when you had the chance.” He sniffs. “I wish you had.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I don’t know who I am anymore, Sadie. I don’t know what I’m doing.” He starts crying, and it’s breaking my heart. “I’m such a fucking mess.”
Logan’s disgust powers through our connection, and I can’t blame him. If our positions were reversed, I would also find it difficult to show any empathy in this situation, but there are a whole host of reasons why I should show Ax compassion. Does one mistake, no matter how horrific it is, override years of love and support? Replace the myriad of ways he protected me and eliminate how far he was prepared to go to keep me safe? When I told him I loved him in that previous lifetime, was it so flimsy that I’d turn my back on him when he needs me the most? I don’t need anyone else to answer those questions for me.
I know it doesn’t.
I may not love him in the same way, but I will not abandon him.
I will not give up on him.
And in time I will learn to forget what transpired in this room.
Right now, he needs me, and I won’t let him down.
Logan’s exasperation is palpable.
“I love you, Logan, so much, and I know this has hurt you too, but I can’t abandon him. I’m shutting you out now, but don’t worry. He isn’t going to hurt me.” I cut the line before he can mount any sort of protest. I’ll deal with his wrath later.
Bunching the covers around me, securing them tightly under my arms, I tentatively slide off the bed, padding toward him. His head is buried in his knees and his powerful body heaves with raw emotion. Perhaps I should be afraid of him, but I’m not. That person he was earlier isn’t the person he is deep down inside. He’s so lost, and it’s cutting me up inside.
I sink down beside him and cautiously, tentatively, drape a loose arm around his waist. He stiffens and my breath hitches in my throat. You can almost taste the strain in the air. He turns his head, and our noses are almost touching. “I don’t deserve your comfort. How can you bear to touch me?”
“I know that wasn’t you, and I can’t turn my back on you because you’ve never done that to me.” Tears roll down my face unashamedly.
Slowly, carefully, he leans his head on my shoulder and wraps his arms around my waist. He buries his head in my neck as his tears start up in earnest again, but every sob that is unleashed from that dark pit inside him gives me hope.
I was raised by a mother who said men should never cry, should never admit their feelings or show weakness, and I couldn’t disagree more. Real men aren’t afraid to show vulnerability, aren’t too weak to admit their fears and acknowledge when they are in the wrong. Real men are the ones who accept their shortcomings, accept the consequences of their actions, and take active steps to address them. The Ax I know and love is that type of man.
I just need to help him find that in himself again.
Nightfall prevails, and I don’t know how long we’ve stayed in this spot on the floor, with everything pouring out of Ax. After a while, he stops crying, and we just hold each other, wordlessly, both of us lost in our own thoughts and the sheer helplessness of the situation.
My stomach growls, reminding me I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast, and that interrupts the silence. “I’ll order some food.” His voice is flat, soulless, as he shucks out of my embrace, climbing to his feet. “Here.” He doesn’t look at me as he hands me a fluffy robe. “You can put that on while I run you a bath.”
I open my mouth to object when he crouches down before me. “I need to take care of you now. Let me do this.”
His eyes fill up again, and I reach out and swipe the moisture away. “Okay,” I whisper, understanding completely.
After my bath, I wrap the robe around my body and walk back into the bedroom. A bunch of new clothing lies on the bed along with a glass of water. I get dressed as I sip the cool liquid. It settles awkwardly in my empty stomach.
Ax knocks on the door. “Food is here. Take your time, I’ll keep it warm.”
I open the door straightaway. “I’m starving.” I offer him a small smile as I take my seat at the table. Platters of food cover every inch of the surface, and there’s enough here to feed an army, but I make no comment, loading my plate with different dishes and wasting no time tucking in.
“Aren’t you eating?” I ask in between mouthfuls.
“No appetite.” He runs his hands through his hair as he looks down at his feet.
Gingerly, I stretch across the table, taking his hand. “You need to eat.”
His eyes zone in on the bruising on my wrist, and I retract my arm quickly. The chair screeches as he gets up and starts pacing the length of the room. I watch him as I slowly eat.
He crosses the floor, sinking to his knees in front of me. “As long as I live, I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you. I hate myself for it, and if you hadn’t stopped me …”
“You would have stopped yourself.”
“We both know that’s a lie.”
His painful admission brings it all back to me. How close I was to losing a part of myself forever. I push my plate away, appetite slaughtered.
“I cannot undo what I’ve done, and it’ll always serve as a painful reminder of how close I came to hurting you irreparably, but I am making a solemn promise to you now, Sadie, that I’ll never do anything like that again.” His glossy eyes shine with sincerity. “I wish I was enough for you. That things had worked out differently, but I’m not going to
push you again. You’ve been trying to tell me, and I haven’t been listening.” He stands up and I tilt my head back to look up at him. “I know you love him and you want to be with him, and I won’t force you to stay here with me. I’ll bring you back to him. You’re safer with Logan than with me.”
My heart aches with renewed torment.
“I haven’t done right by you, Sadie. I’ve lied to you, and betrayed you, and hurt you, and I’m so sorry for all that. I never set out to do any of those things, please believe me.”
“Why did you lie to me?” I ask. A painstaking look washes over his features. “You said the chip implant couldn’t be removed, and you hid the key to my cuff bands. Why? If what you said yesterday is true, you weren’t working with your mother then, so I don’t understand why you would keep those truths from me.”
He locks his hands behind his head as he stares off into space. After a bit, he turns around, leaning against the edge of the table as he faces me. “I was going to tell you about the key. I swear. At first, I just forgot about it because I was caught off guard by your admission on the ship and the reality of your relationship with Logan. Then you asked me if the cuff bands were helping you deflect Mother from your mind, and I wondered if that was the truth. But mainly it was because you were so terrified of your inability to control your gift. I knew you’d never forgive yourself if you hurt someone else you loved, so I thought it was best to say nothing for the time being.”
I let his words sink in, digesting them.
“I would have given it to you. I promise.” He looks me straight in the eye. “And I know what you’re thinking. That you could’ve saved Alex and Neve. And maybe you could have, and that’s something else I’ll have to live with.”
“She was pregnant,” I whisper.
Anguished eyes meet mine. “No.”
Raw grief wafts invisibly in the space between us. There has been little time to mourn my friend but I still feel her loss every single day. I sniff, rubbing my eyes. “And the chip?” I look up at him. I need everything out on the table now. If I’m to forgive him, I need to understand it all.
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