I didn’t have Ma any more, and Pa didn’t want me. Perhaps I could one day share a little cottage with Mary-Martha and baby Johnnie? I tried to picture the three of us, and as I was running around the ring, cartwheeling and capering, I chose our armchairs and embroidered our cushions. When I did my crab-walk, I filled our pantry with tins of pink cake and jars of dried dates. When I had to climb up Marvo and Julip and Tag at the end of the act, I pictured climbing the stairs to sleep in my own soft little bed – and though I still trembled, I got right to the top and stood on Tag’s shoulders and kept my balance and smiled while everyone cheered.
I HOPED IT would get easier. After all, I could now turn neat somersaults as easily as winking. But the human column was different. It was a twice daily terror. Julip was right – the fear never went away. But there were good times too. I loved visiting Madame Adeline and eating cake and chocolates, I loved chatting to Mr Marvel and playing with little Mavis, but even then, when I was most relaxed, the fear was there in the pit of my stomach.
Mister haunted me every day and stalked my dreams at night. I could never please him now. The more he threatened me, the worse I got, until I stumbled doing the simplest cartwheel and started whenever he said my name. I developed a nervous twitch that made him even madder. ‘Stop jerking about like a little lunatic! Stop it at once, I say!’ he’d hiss. I’d put my hands to my face, struggling to keep it still, but I could feel it twitching beneath my fingers.
I lost all sense of where we were and how far we had travelled. We pulled down the big top every week, rain or shine, travelled through the night, arrived at a new town or village, slept through the morning, and rehearsed and performed all the rest of the week. We could have been down in sunny Cornwall or up in chilly Inverness for all I knew. We might even have returned to my own home town without my realizing.
I never left the circus field, and they all looked alike anyway. I didn’t know, I ceased to care. I took part in the circus parade through towns and villages, and barely noticed whether I was passing great stone mansions or humble cottages. All I had to do was smile until my cheeks ached, smile even when my eyes pricked with tears.
I was hiding under the wagon one evening because Mister had threatened me with a beating and I was pretty sure he meant it. I couldn’t help sobbing, though I put my hands over my face to try to stifle the sounds. Then I heard a scuffle – and someone bent right down and peered under the wagon at me.
Yes, Hetty, it was you!
I was so startled I curled up small, trying to hide.
‘It’s all right, I’m not going to hurt you,’ the someone whispered. ‘And I won’t let anyone else hurt you either. See my red hair? I am so fierce that everyone is scared of me. Even the biggest, ugliest ogre quakes when he sees me coming. Evil giants tremble and whimper at my approach.’
I couldn’t help giggling. I wasn’t sure if this strange girl was grown up or still a child. She was very little, like me, but she was wearing a prim cotton lady’s dress, though she wore her long hair loose about her shoulders, not caught up in a neat bun. I loved her voice. She didn’t sound like the circus folk. She didn’t sound like the Willoughby Buildings people. She didn’t sound like the gentle country folk. She didn’t sound like the proper ladies and gents who lived in big houses. She simply sounded like herself, warm and friendly and funny.
‘But I never ever hurt little fairy girls,’ she said. ‘And you’re a little fairy, aren’t you?’
I shivered at the name, because that was what Mister called me, but I could tell she meant it kindly. She couldn’t think I was really a fairy, could she?’
‘Please, miss, I’m the Acrobatic Child Wonder,’ I explained, wiping my eyes and sniffling.
‘Here, I have a handkerchief,’ she said, pulling a little piece of cloth from her pocket. It had embroidery all over it.
‘There’s pictures and letters,’ I said, stroking the little blue and yellow satin thread flowers. They were bluebells and primroses. I remembered Mary-Martha taking me to the woods long ago, where we picked great bunches of flowers and brought them home for Ma. We put them in jam jars all around the room and they looked so beautiful that we clapped our hands and laughed, and even Ma seemed happy . . . but within a few hours our beautiful flowers were drooping and dying and we had to throw them away.
I traced the letters embroidered underneath. The girl sensed I was less sure now, and told me they were her initials – SB for Sapphire Battersea – ‘Although no one calls me that now. All the folk here call me Hetty.’
I said I was called Diamond and she thought it a most beautiful name, which pleased me greatly. I thought the handkerchief so pretty I didn’t want to spoil it, so I wiped my nose on my petticoat instead. Hetty smiled at me and said I could keep the handkerchief if I liked it so much.
‘Really? For my very own?’ I said, and I tucked it away quickly in case she changed her mind.
Hetty tried to persuade me to creep out from under the wagon.
‘I’m scared to come out, because Mister will get me,’ I said.
Hetty looked horrified when I said he would beat me. ‘Can you tell your father?’ she asked. She said the word ‘father’ as if she thought all fathers very special men who protected their daughters. I thought of my own pa and how he had sold me for five guineas, and I started sobbing again.
‘Isn’t there anyone kind who will look after you?’ Hetty asked, wriggling under the wagon too so she could put her arm round me.
‘Madame Addie is kind,’ I said.
Hetty’s whole face lit up. ‘Oh, Madame Adeline! Yes, I am sure she is very kind,’ she said, as if she knew her. ‘I have come looking for her. Will you show me her wagon, Diamond?’
So I crawled out and she took my hand, squeezing it tightly when we went past Mister’s wagon. We went to Madame Adeline’s lovely green wagon right at the end. She was sitting on her steps before her fire wearing her favourite green silk gown, looking magical. She saw the tear stains on my face and held out her arms to me.
‘Come here, darling,’ she said, and I ran to her, proud that Hetty should see that such a lovely exotic lady cared for me.
She cared for Hetty too. She called her Little Star, and this made Hetty burst into tears too! They talked of when they’d last met, both so tender, and then Hetty cried again when she said that she’d lost her dear mama.
‘Is your mother dead too, Hetty?’ I asked. ‘Mine went to live with the angels.’
‘My mama lives there too,’ said Hetty, wiping her eyes. ‘I’m sure she has wonderful white feathery wings and a dress as blue as the sky. Maybe they fly from cloud to cloud together. But my mama flies down to see me every now and then. She creeps inside my heart and speaks to me. She is a great comfort. Perhaps your mama will do the same.’
I thought this over carefully. I wasn’t really sure I welcomed the thought of Ma squatting beside me, watching my every move. I was sure she’d be disappointed in me. She’d weep more than ever. I put my thumb in my mouth, and rocked myself sadly.
Madame Adeline smiled at me comfortingly. ‘Now, my girls, I’m going to have a cup of tea. Would you like one too?’
I took my thumb out of my mouth. ‘And cake?’ I said hopefully.
Madame Adeline laughed. ‘I expect we can find a cake if we search hard,’ she said.
She made a delightful game of it, pretending to hunt the cake in her beautiful wagon, looking under the table and in her bed, which was so funny I cheered up enormously.
We ate our tea and each had a big slice of pink and yellow cake. I nibbled mine slowly, peeling off the marzipan and saving it till last because I liked it so much. But then I heard Mister shouting and the cake turned sour in my mouth. I thought he was after me, but it turned out he was challenging a stranger from the village who had come marching across the field and was running from wagon to wagon, calling for Hetty.
‘Oh my Lord, it’s Jem. He must have followed me,’ said Hetty, flushing.
I p
eered out of Madame Adeline’s wagon. This Jem looked very fierce and angry – a farm labourer with a cap and cords, so strongly built, he was almost a match for Marvo. But when Madame Adeline intervened, he doffed his cap and shook her hand.
‘Pleased to meet you, ma’am,’ he said, just like a gentleman.
Madame Adeline offered him tea but he politely refused.
‘I’d better be getting back – and so had you, Hetty,’ he said firmly, taking hold of her arm.
It was clear that Hetty didn’t like this at all. ‘I want to stay here with Madame Adeline,’ she said, sticking out her chin.
I wanted her to say ‘and Diamond too’. I liked her so much, I wanted her to stay for ever. She made me feel I didn’t need to be so frightened any more.
But Jem was intent on chivvying her out of the wagon, his arm about her.
‘Perhaps you had better run along with your brother just now, Little Star. But will you come and see the show tomorrow?’ asked Madame Adeline.
‘I would not miss it for the world,’ Hetty replied. She kissed Madame Adeline goodbye, and then turned to me. ‘I shall look out for you in the ring tomorrow and give you a big cheer,’ she told me.
I stood in the doorway of Madame Adeline’s wagon and waved until Hetty and Jem were just two tiny dots at the very edge of the field.
‘Do you think she’ll really come to watch me in the show, Madame Adeline?’ I asked.
‘I’m sure she will, dear.’
‘I wish that brother hadn’t come and taken her away.’ I thought of my brothers, Matthew and Mark and Luke, and then Marvo, Julip and Tag. ‘He didn’t act like he was Hetty’s brother. He acted more like her sweetheart.’
‘Maybe he is,’ said Madame Adeline. ‘He’s not her blood brother. She was just brought up with him in the village until she was five or six, and then she was sent away to the hospital. She lived there for years.’
‘In a hospital? Was she very, very ill?’ I asked.
Hetty was almost as thin as me, but she looked extremely robust, not at all like a sickly invalid.
‘No, she wasn’t ill. She lived in the Foundling Hospital. It’s a special institution for children.’
‘Like a workhouse?’ I asked, astonished.
‘A little. Perhaps not quite as harsh.’
I was amazed that a girl like Hetty had been brought up in an institution. It had always been Ma’s biggest fear that we would run out of money altogether and end up in the local workhouse. She said the word in a whisper, and always shuddered. When we went to the park, Mary-Martha and I sometimes walked past the great stone workhouse. We never caught a glimpse of the people shut up inside, behind the barred windows – but once we heard someone screaming, a terrible piercing wail that echoed endlessly in our dreams for weeks.
Had Hetty been locked up in a similar dark place?
‘How could she bear it?’ I said.
‘She ran away when she was ten, and came to find me. We’d met years before that, when she first came to the circus. We seem to be meeting in five-year cycles,’ said Madame Adeline.
‘I can’t wait another five years to see her – I like her so!’ I said.
‘Well, she will come to the show tomorrow. We must give our best performances,’ said Madame Adeline.
‘I shall try,’ I said.
I still had to face Mister, and when he caught up with me at last he threatened me with the dreaded beating.
‘Please don’t beat me, Mister. I shall try harder, I promise. I will do every trick cleanly and won’t wobble once when I’m at the top of the human column,’ I said earnestly. ‘And I will smile and smile and smile at the audience tomorrow – just you wait and see.’
‘What’s perked you up then, little fairy?’ he asked.
‘I – I just gave myself a good talking to,’ I said, which actually made him chuckle.
I threw myself into rehearsals the next morning with unusual gusto. When it was time to get ready for the afternoon show, I was so nervous and excited I could hardly stand still.
‘Do you think Hetty will really come and watch, Madame Addie?’ I asked as we lined up by the tent flap.
‘She might not come until this evening, dear.’ Madame Adeline had painted her face very brightly, but I could still see the dark shadows under her eyes. The strange half-light made her look much older. I realized that dear Madame Adeline might well be quite an elderly lady, though I still thought her very beautiful.
‘Try not to worry, Diamond. Hetty will come to at least one of the performances, and I’m sure she will be enchanted with you and your act,’ she said kindly.
‘She will be enchanted with you too,’ I said at once.
Madame Adeline laughed, but she didn’t sound very happy. ‘I rather think she’ll find me wanting,’ she said quietly. ‘My act is a sad shadow of the one I used to do with my six rosin-backed horses, when I was the star of the show.’
‘You’re still the star now, Madame Addie,’ I protested.
‘I am lucky to have Midnight. He is a dear spirited creature and never lets me down, but I’m getting sadly decrepit. I can barely stand up on his back now, let alone turn my somersaults.’
‘I could help you practise if you like, Madame Addie. And I would give you a date each time you did it neatly.’
‘You’re a sweet girl, Diamond,’ said Madame Adeline. ‘There now, take a deep breath. Flora’s just taking her bows. It’s time for you to go on.’
I gave her hand a quick squeeze, and then I went running into the ring with Marvo, Julip and Tag. I did my somersaults all around the ring, ending with a little flourish, my hand in the air – and immediately spotted Hetty right in front of me, clapping hard. I gave her a happy wave, and then rushed to start the next routine. It all went perfectly and it was a good audience, cheering the simplest little thing. I played to the crowd, adding little dance steps and curtsies, opening my eyes wide, smiling from ear to ear.
‘Stop that prancing!’ Tag hissed as he hurtled past me, but I wasn’t going to stop for anyone now. I wanted to show off to Hetty.
I managed to scramble up Marco and Julip and Tag at the end of the act, standing straight and tall on Tag’s shoulders. I waved both hands in the air and milked the applause.
When we ran out of the ring, the audience still clapping hard, Mister caught hold of me.
‘That’s the ticket, little fairy! You’re getting it at last. I knew I’d make a little performer out of you. Given time, you’ll be worth all three of these boys!’ he said, patting me on the back.
He did this in front of the silver boys, which made them all very put out and petulant, even kind Marvo, but I didn’t care. I was just pleased I’d performed well in front of my new friend, Hetty. I wanted her to think me a real circus trouper.
I hoped that she would be waiting to congratulate me after the show, but there was no sign of her. I ran to Madame Adeline’s wagon in case she’d gone there.
‘No, Hetty’s not here, dear. I expect she had to go home,’ said Madame Adeline. ‘Don’t look so disappointed, Diamond. Maybe she’ll come to tonight’s performance too. She loves the circus.’
‘I do too!’ I cried. ‘Oh, I do hope she comes back. Did you see how she clapped me? Do you suppose she thinks I’m really good?’
‘I’m sure she does. You are good, Diamond. You’ve learned extraordinarily quickly – too quickly, in fact. Beppo takes too many risks with you. I get frightened when I see you.’
‘I’m not frightened,’ I lied, dancing about.
I was so excited I could not settle. I could not even eat my supper. I just wanted to be back in the ring, performing.
But somehow it all went wrong for the evening performance. I didn’t fall, but I stumbled twice doing my somersault routine, and when I did my little dance, some rude lads in the audience started jeering at me. They were a rowdy lot, and inclined to throw their oranges during the act, thinking it funny. I tried hard to ignore them because Hetty was there, back
in the same seat, only this time she’d brought her young man, Jem, and I wasn’t sure I liked him.
I liked Hetty though. I liked her so much. When I was up on Tag’s shoulders I looked down to wave at her – and suddenly everything slipped sideways. A dark dizziness came upon me and I very nearly fell. I clung on desperately, scarcely able to see, doing my best to keep smiling even so, though I was terrified.
‘Watch out, you fool!’ Tag hissed.
I could feel the whole column wobble. Marvo called ‘Down!’ and I scrabbled backwards, and Tag and Julip did their somersault and landed gracefully, and then we all four clasped hands and bowed, as if nothing had happened. The audience clapped even so. Hetty clapped too, but this time I knew she was clapping out of sympathy.
I felt my face flushing. Beppo was staring at me, his forehead creased ominously. For once I didn’t care. I only cared about Hetty. I had wanted to put on another grand show for her and I’d made a mess of it all. And now I’d likely never see her again.
I WAS WONDERFULLY wrong! Hetty returned the very next day. She did not even wait for the four o’clock performance. She came when we were all making lunch!
Mister saw her and tried to frighten her away, but Hetty stood her ground and then went marching past him – left, right, left, right, swinging her arms.
‘Hetty! Oh, Hetty!’ I cried, running to her. ‘Oh, Hetty, I saw you talking to Mister! You really aren’t afeared of him!’
‘That’s right. He’s the one that’s afeared of me. I told you. He’ll be quaking in his bed tonight, wondering if that red-haired girl is coming to get him. Most likely he’ll wet his sheets in terror,’ said Hetty.
I burst out laughing and hid my face in Maybelle. Hetty asked to be introduced to her, taking her very seriously, as if she were a beautiful china doll with real curls and an outfit from Paris. She did wonder whether Maybelle might be feeling a little chilly in her drawers. I told her that I’d given Maybelle’s dress to little Mavis Monkey.
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