He led her through the boy’s locker room and into a dark, janitor’s closet she hadn’t known about. There was a door leading to the parking lot. The handle was labeled: EMERGENCY ONLY: ALARM WILL SOUND. Gunner pushed the door open without hesitation and to Reagan’s relief no alarms began blaring.
He walked to the side of the building and leaned up against it, pulling out a cigarette. He lit it, inhaling deeply, the smoke dancing as it exited his lips. She watched in amusement.
“Everything okay?” he asked her, noticing her stares.
“Why do you smoke?”
“Does it bother you?” He flicked ash from the end.
“It’s just a question,” she said softly.
“I don’t know. Just to pass the time, I guess.”
“Do your parents know?” It was rare that she brought up his parents, but she was genuinely curious.
“You gonna tell ‘em?” he asked, taking another puff and throwing the butt down. He smashed it with his foot.
“My parents would kill me,” she told him. “Holly got caught with one last year. One. It was like World War III for days.”
“My parents don’t care.” He shrugged.
“They don’t care that you smoke?”
“They don’t care about much.” He didn’t bother to elaborate.
“I’d like to meet them,” she said, though she was unsure if that were true.
“No,” he said quickly. “That won’t happen.”
“Well, not right now. Not tonight.” She laughed. “But eventually, right?”
“No, Reagan.” His voice was serious.
She didn’t know what to say, though she was growing increasingly upset by his harshness. “You don’t think they’ll like me?”
“Trust me, that’s not it.” He touched her hand, his tone softening.
“Then what is it?”
“What’s with the third degree?” he asked, pulling his hand back. “Let’s just go back in.” He started to walk away but she grabbed his shoulders, pushing his back onto the brick of the school. In the heels she had on, she was practically his height.
“Woah, easy tiger.” He winked.
“I want to know you, Gunner.”
“What?” He furrowed his brow.
“You said I don’t know you. You said I only know one side of you. I want to change that. I want to know more about you.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Cut the crap,” she told him pointedly.
“Feisty, aren’t you?” He tried to turn the conversation playful, but she wasn’t having it.
“I want past this wall you have up. I told you something really personal about myself earlier, something I don’t just go around announcing. Now it’s your turn.”
He stared, his eyes darting in between hers. Finally, he nodded. “You really want to know me?” he asked, taking off his jacket.
“Yes.”
“Fine. First things first, let’s get the hell out of here.”
They sat in his car at Smoot Park, finishing off the last bit of their fast food. “So, this is what you do in your spare time?” she asked, popping a fry in her mouth.
“Among other things.”
“Like?”
“Like...well, I play guitar.”
“Of course you do.”
“And...I like to read.”
“You read?” she asked, unable to hide her shock.
“Uh, yeah, I did finish first grade,” he said sarcastically at her wide-eyed expression.
“But...I’ve never seen you read. You hate school.”
“I don’t have time for school. There’s a difference. It’s not about hate. I work two jobs and spend the rest of my time trying to stay out of my dad’s way. Forgive me if the Pythagorean Theorem isn’t on the top of my to-do list.”
“Stay out of your dad’s way? Is he mean?” she asked boldly, unsure if it was okay to bring up.
“He’s an old drunk,” Gunner said firmly. “They traditionally aren’t who you want to have around at family dinner.” They were both silent for a moment before he went on. “He’s not as bad to me as he is the rest of my family. That’s why I try to keep them safe.”
“You can’t put that on yourself. You’re still just a kid, Gunner.”
“I haven’t been able to be a kid for a long time.”
“That’s not fair to you. You can be a kid with me. Sometimes you just need that.”
“I don’t want to be a kid with you, Reagan. I really, really want to be a man with you.” His voice grew heated, causing her insides to twist as she wondered if he meant what she thought he did. “And that, unfortunately, is one of the many reasons why we will never work like you want us to. Because, at the end of the day, you are still very much a kid and I...well, I have never really been one.”
“I’m less than a year younger than you,” she argued.
“It really has nothing to do with age.”
“Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m innocent.”
“This goes so much deeper than that,” he said, twisting his hands on the steering wheel. “It’s not about sex. It’s about the darkness I’ve seen, the things I’ve experienced...things I never, ever want you to have to know about.” He dropped his hands from the steering wheel, turning to face her and taking her hand in his. “I like that you’re a light in my all too dark world, but it’s selfish of me to bring you into my darkness. You deserve to keep seeing the world like you do. And to be with me, to really truly be with me, would be to take some of that light away from you. I don’t think I could forgive myself for that.”
“You talk about me like I’m so perfect, but I’m not. And, no, my life may not have been as dark as yours, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t hurt. You don’t get to monopolize pain, Gunner. And no matter how many times you try to tell me why we won’t work, I’m going to keep telling you why we will.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because, among other things, I am stubborn as hell. And I have no intention of giving up on you, or on us, before we’ve even been given a real shot.”
He smirked. “I’m okay with stubborn.”
“Do you like me?” she asked, closing her eyes to prepare herself for the answer. “And I don’t mean the idea of me. I mean the real me. Do you want to get to know that version?”
He held up his hand to stop her from rambling. “I do like you.”
“Good,” she said, taking a deep breath for what felt like the first time throughout the evening.
“Let’s just go from there.”
She agreed, leaning over and turning up the radio. A song was playing that she didn’t recognize but she turned to him anyway. “What do you say to another dance?”
He nodded slightly, opening his door. “Don’t get used to this,” he told her, standing up out of his car. “You get this version of me for one night only.”
“Of course.” She smiled, meeting him in the headlights. He put his arms around her waist once more, pulling her closer than he had at the school. She could smell the cologne he was wearing—warm with a leathery air to it. She laid her head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat under her ear. His body tensed under her weight slightly, but he kept moving. His face fell down to the side of hers, their cheeks brushing slightly. She could feel goosebumps growing on her arms as they swayed in place, their bodies moving together. The stubble on his cheeks scratched hers and she shivered. He pulled back slightly, their faces only inches apart.
“Are you cold?” he asked. “I can get my jacket.” His warm breath hit her cheeks and she watched the dark shadows dance across his stony face.
“It’s not the cold,” she said, shaking her head. He leaned in slightly, his lips finding hers. Her mouth opened on contact, allowing him to kiss her deeper. It was what she had been waiting for. The world around them seemed to spin faster as their kiss grew. Her stomach leapt into her chest at his touch, her heart pounding.
His kiss was soft
at first. Cautious. His every move a question as to what was okay. But as her fingers found their way to his hair, pulling him to her passionately, he seemed to let loose, allowing their body heat to warm the night around them. Their kiss, his lips enveloping hers, was all that she had been dreaming of and as they stood, their bodies pressed together in the moonlight, nothing had ever felt more right.
* * *
Gunner stood in Reagan’s living room, a pink plastic dollhouse on the floor in front of him. The room was large, painted a rustic green and heavily clad with furniture and toys. Reagan re-entered the room, a mug of coffee in her hand. She offered it to him.
“Thanks,” he said quietly, taking a sip and pretending it hadn’t burned his mouth. Reagan pointed to the mantle, where a school picture of the little girl sat. Her wavy dark hair was pulled back in a headband, a tooth missing from her proud smile. Gunner stared into the bright green eyes that matched her mother’s, surrounded by thick lashes. “She’s beautiful,” he told her honestly, running a finger over the frame.
“Thank you,” she said.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. If I had known…” he trailed off, not sure how to finish that sentence. He didn’t know if that would’ve changed his mind back then.
“If you had known...what?” she asked, her voice unaccusing.
“I would’ve wanted to be a part of her life.”
“But not mine?”
“Reagan—”
“I deserve an explanation, Gunner. Those were your words. I deserve to know the truth. God, do you have any idea what your disappearance did to me? How long I looked for you? Waited for you?”
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
She sighed. “So, what do you want? What do you want now? With Nora?”
“Does she know about me?” he asked softly, unable to meet her eye.
She pressed her lips together. “She knows you exist. Nothing more.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to be a dad. We used protection that night—this is the last thing I expected when I came back to town. ”
She crossed her arms. “No one’s forcing you to do anything.”
“What about you? You were eighteen years old. Were you ready?”
She shook her head. “This isn’t about me, Gunner. It never was. That girl deserves my best and so I give it to her. That’s all that counts.”
“Do you need money?”
She frowned. “No. No, Gunner, we don’t need your money. We don’t have a lot, but we’re good.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing, Rae. I owe you money for her. I can’t imagine how tough this has been on you...I just don’t want to make any promises to you. I’ve only had a few minutes to process everything.”
“You don’t have to process anything. It was your choice to come here.”
“She needs a father, Reagan.”
“So, what are you suggesting?”
“Could I meet her?” he asked finally.
She seemed taken aback by his question. After a few moments, she spoke carefully. “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” he said. He wasn’t sure if he felt disappointment or relief.
“I don’t want her to get hurt, Gunner.”
“I don’t want that either,” he agreed.
She rested her hand on the mantle, taking a deep breath. “Could I have a day or two to figure everything out?”
“Of course.”
“You’re still planning on leaving?”
“I’m going back to New York, yes.”
“Okay,” she said, sadness surprising him as it filled her face. “Okay.”
He sat the coffee mug down on the table, moving to touch her hand. “I’ll respect whatever decision you make. It’s your choice. I don’t know that I’d be a good dad to her. I don’t know if I’m even a good person for her to have in her life. But, I’d like to try.” He took in a sharp breath as his eyes met hers. “I’d love to try. I know I can’t make up for the past eight years. I know I can’t explain to her why I was gone. So, if you say no, I’ll respect that. But just know...I’m willing to try if you are.”
“Try?”
“Try to get to know our daughter.”
“You believe she’s yours?”
“I believe you if you say she is.”
“She is, Gunner,” she confirmed, “I know what you saw that night. But it wasn’t what you think—”
He held his hand up. “I can’t have that conversation. I need to process everything with Nora. She has to be priority. If you want to rehash everything in our past, we can plan to do that. On your terms.”
“I’d like that,” she said, a small smile on her face.
“All right. We’ll make it happen then.”
“Tonight?” she asked anxiously.
“I’m free.” He nodded.
“Okay. I’ll pick you up around…” he paused, looking to her for guidance.
“Make it six. I have to drop some stuff of for Nora at my parent’s house. You can pick me up there.”
He nodded. “Okay, I can do that.” He turned to walk from the house, casting one last look at the girl he never thought he’d see again. Maybe there was hope after all.
* * *
Reagan walked into the gymnasium, her eyes searching the crowd for him. She checked her phone, he hadn’t texted her since he’d left work. She quickly found her seat next to her parents on the bleachers. Holly was there somewhere, but she hadn’t seen her since they’d come in and she’d disappeared to be with her friends.
“Hey, Rae,” Bethany Aarons said, sliding in beside her.
“Hey Bethany,” she said politely.
“Who are you here for?”
“Gunner’s graduating,” she replied stiffly.
“Ah, that’s still a thing? So crazy,” the girl said.
“Why’s it crazy?” Reagan asked testily.
“Oh, no reason. You guys are cute together,” she answered quickly, though Reagan could tell she wasn’t being genuine.
“Who are you here for?”
“My brother.”
“Oh, I didn’t know he graduated this year. Wasn’t he held back?”
Bethany stared at her, her lips tight. “Last year.”
“Right,” Reagan said, her heart racing. She was so tired of hearing other people’s thoughts about her and Gunner. Since prom night, everyone seemed to have an opinion about them. Namely, why they shouldn’t be together.
The graduation music began as their principal walked onto the stage and Reagan was thankful for a reason to end the conversation.
“Parents, family members, friends, alumni: the class of 2008 thanks you for coming tonight. We are so excited to see these students, these young minds that we’ve helped mold, as they go out into the world and help to change it. And hopefully, make it better. Please welcome our graduates.”
He stepped back from the podium as the music played again and the students, clad in their caps and gowns, entered the gymnasium. She spied Gunner pretty quickly and couldn’t help but smile. His cap was pulled down, nearly covering his eyes and he couldn’t have looked more annoyed. She’d basically had to force him to come to this ‘stupid thing’ but she was glad he’d finally agreed, and she hoped he would be too someday.
They took their seats and the principal began calling them up, one by one. When they called Gunner’s name, Reagan looked for his family. Gavin was a few rows ahead of her, where she finally laid eyes on Holly, but Gia and his parents seemed to be missing. So much about Gunner’s family was still a mystery to her.
She clapped extra loud for his row when they gave them permission to and she winked when he caught her eye. He rolled his eyes playfully and she knew he was going to tease her for buying into such a cheesy ceremony, but she loved it. Truth was, she loved him. She couldn’t admit it yet. Maybe she wouldn’t ever be able to, but she felt it when she looked at him. Gunner had grown on her and she was loving every minute she spent with him.
&nb
sp; When the ceremony ended, Reagan rushed down the steps of the bleachers to meet him. He’d kept his cap, not bothering to throw it when the rest of his class did; he now held it under his arm.
“Happy now?” he asked when he saw her.
“Yep,” she teased. “You look so cute.” She reached up, patting the top of his head.
“Shut up,” he said, pretending to be annoyed.
Her parents approached them from behind her, her mother's hand on her back. “Congratulations, Gunner,” she said politely.
“Thank you, Mrs. Orrick.”
“Were your parents able to make it?” her father asked, looking around.
“No, sir. My dad wasn’t feeling well.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Gemma was hoping to finally meet your mother. I haven’t seen her in years.”
“She doesn’t get out much,” Gunner said quietly.
“Do you two have plans later? We’d be happy to take you out to dinner to celebrate if you’d like.” Scott changed the subject quickly.
“Oh, no. Thank you for offering. I ate a big lunch so I’m not really hungry,” he told them.
With that, her parents said their goodbyes and left the two of them alone.
“Do you have plans tonight?” she asked, feeling a bit disappointed.
“I thought about going to a party. Do you want to come?”
“To a party?”
“Yes. We don’t have to. It was just a thought.”
“No, it’s fine. We just haven’t been to a party together since…”
“I know,” he said, stopping her from having to relive that night.
She twirled a piece of hair around her finger. “We can go.”
He began unzipping his gown, pulling it off as fast as he could. “Do you need to tell your parents we’re leaving?”
“They’ll be all right,” she said, waving to them over his shoulder. Her mother waved back, continuing to talk to one of the teachers.
“Okay, then, let’s go.” He walked from the gym, turning to make sure she was following him. He led her out of the building, the warm night air hitting them. The humidity made her hair cling to her neck immediately.
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