“I’m so sorry, Gunner.” She couldn’t imagine what sort of people would tell a child that about his own parents.
He shrugged. “No need to be sorry. I’ve never known any different.” He grabbed a nearby gas can, shaking it to determine if it was empty. When he realized it wasn’t, he began topping off the tank. “Now, climb aboard, princess.”
She groaned loudly. “I thought we’d moved past the whole princess thing.”
“Never ever,” he promised, taking her arm and helping her climb onto the seat. He climbed on behind her, his arms wrapping around her to grab the handles. He started it up. The rumble of the engine echoed through the quiet woods. He put it in reverse and pulled them out of the barn with ease, dust flying all around them. His body enveloped her. She held tightly to the black bar that ran in front of the seat, his arms making her feel safe. He placed his head near hers.
“Hold on tight,” he warned her over the noise as their speed began to increase. They flew over bumps and hills, spinning quickly around trees and curves. She laughed, carefree and completely happy, as the world around them blurred by. He kissed her cheek. “Having fun?” he asked, his lips brushing her ear.
She nodded, the wind catching her voice as she tried to speak. He turned the four wheeler down a small trail, slowing down. “Where are we going now?” she asked, finding her voice. She ran a quick hand through her frazzled hair.
“Oh, all the questions…” he teased. “You’ll just have to be patient.” As he said it, they were stopping at the edge of the woods, their destination evident. The path had led them to a small, private section of the lake. The spot was serene, they were the only people around for what could’ve been miles.
He slid off of the seat, helping her down before removing his black t-shirt. His pale chest, smaller and less defined than Gavin’s, glistened with sweat in the sun. She couldn’t help but stare at him. She pulled her own clothes off quickly, revealing a yellow bikini. Together, they walked into the murky lake, its cool temperature surprising her. His eyes danced over her bare skin, though he tried to hide it, and she couldn’t help but smile.
Each step they took splashed a bit of water onto them, mud squishing between her toes. She sank down, letting the water wash over her. “I can’t believe we haven’t come to this place before. I could spend every day here.”
He smiled, tossing a handful of water her way. “We’ll have to make sure you get here more often then.”
“I’d like that,” she told him, taking his hand and placing it on her waist. She threw her legs up, her arms going around his neck. “Catch me!” she cried. He seemed surprise, but jumped into action quickly, baring her weight with ease. “How’d you find this place anyway?” she asked. running a finger along his biceps.
“I used to come out here a lot during the summers we stayed with my grandparents. I cleared the path myself. Sometimes, I just needed a place to get away from everything...everyone.” He stared off into space, remembering.
“From Gia and Gavin?”
“From everything,” he said stiffly, spinning her around so that ripples began to form around them.
“Your relationship with them is strange,” she told him. It wasn’t a question.
“It’s...complicated.” He nodded in confirmation.
“Too complicated to tell your girlfriend?”
He paused and she felt the tension growing. In the two years since prom, he’d never once called her his girlfriend, though that was what she considered herself to be. Gunner kept her, like everything else, at arm’s length. Though they’d been technically dating for two years, there was still a wall between them—a wall she spent everyday trying to tear down. Every once in a while, as if a brick had broken loose, he’d open up to her and let her see a side of him the rest of the world rarely did. He’d admitted to her, despite their distance, she was the closest person to him, and she had to take whatever he’d give her without demanding much more.
“You don’t want to hear our family drama, trust me.”
She frowned, climbing out of his arms and staring at him. “I tell you about all my fights with Holly. I’m sure that’s not the most interesting part of your day.”
“This is different, Rae,” he said, moving a piece of hair that had stuck to her cheek.
“I don’t care,” she insisted. “I still want to know. You know I’m here for you, Gunner.” She pressed her hands onto his chest. He stared at her, his eyes darting between hers and she could see him considering his next move—deciding whether he could trust her with his secrets. “Talk to me,” she coaxed.
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Nothing you could possibly say will scare me off.” She focused her gaze on him, begging him to trust her.
“You say that now.” He pressed his lips together in disbelief.
She stood on her tiptoes, kissing his lips. He softened slightly. “Gunner,” she whispered, her heart pounding. “I’m in love with you.” His eyes grew wide, his face not bothering to hide his bewilderment. He didn’t speak. “I’m in love with you,” she repeated. “So, you can tell me anything. Because I’m not going anywhere.” She remained still, waiting for him to respond.
“You shouldn’t love me, Reagan,” he said finally, looking away.
“Because you don’t feel the same way?”
He sighed. “Because I’m going to end up disappointing you.”
“You couldn’t,” she said, shaking her head and trying to understand.
He pulled back from her, turning and walking out of the water. When he reached the place where their clothes lay, he sat down, waiting for her. She followed him, sitting down next to him on the sandy shore. He reached over to where he’d thrown his jeans, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and sticking a cigarette to his lips.
“Gunner, I don’t know all your secrets. I don’t know what horrible things have happened to you. I do know that despite it all, I love you. No matter what you say, I love you. The world may be dark and it may have hurt you. But I won’t. I’m here for you, even if you think you’ve got this on your own. Even if you think it’ll make you look weak to talk about the bad stuff...I’m still going to be here.”
“It’s not always about the world, Reagan.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes the stuff that happens at home is worse than the world could ever be. Sometimes our parents fuck us up before the world ever has its shot.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked, horror filling her expression. The truth in his voice broke her heart before he could start to explain.
Inhaling deeply, he began, “Gavin and Gia are my half-siblings. Different dads.” Reagan was quiet despite the outright shock she felt. “Mom had an affair shortly after she had me. I don’t know most of the details but Gavin and Gia were a result. They’ve never met their father—Rick’s the only dad they’ve ever known, but the fact that they aren’t his...it’s just there, you know? Just hanging over all of us all the time. Rick hates them for it, hates mom. I don’t remember a lot from the time before they were born but I don’t think it was like it is now.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, feeling like she should say something.
“Out of everyone, I have it the easiest,” he said, shrugging. “He’s never laid a hand on me. It’s Gavin and Gia that bear the brunt of his anger.”
“He hurts them?”
He nodded. “Bad sometimes. Broken bones. Bruises. Stitches— you name it, they’ve gotten it. And sometimes, they haven’t gotten stitches or X-rays when they truly needed ‘em. I can remember when I was little, they’d make them go without food. I always got some and Gavin and Gia would beg me to share but if I did, I’d be the one in trouble. My home is a war zone. Constantly. My dad is a bully, worse than anything I’ve ever seen. Mom’s scared of him. Too scared to stand up and stop it. And it never happens when I’m around, but when I find out, it’s always too late. They won’t let me help them no
matter what I try. Gavin’s a big guy but he won’t stand up to him, won’t talk to anyone about it. They just both want Rick to love them so much...they won’t talk about what he does, won’t admit the truth. Not to anyone.”
“Oh, Gunner, you have to stop him. You have to tell the police.” Tears filled her eyes as she pictured his life, a life like something she’d only ever read about, had nightmares about. Even with her suspicions, she’d never imagined it could be so bad.
“No,” he snapped quickly. “No. I’ve tried, believe me. No one would tell the truth. Not even momma. I was made to look like an idiot the last time and then their beatings got worse. It’d be useless.”
“No. That can’t be true. Something has to be able to get done. There are people who can help them.”
“It is true, Reagan. I didn’t want to tell you for this very reason. You’re still so full of...hope, faith, whatever. You believe everything can be fixed. But not everything can. This can’t be fixed. You have to promise me you won’t say anything. Not to anyone.” His voice was firm, letting her know it wasn’t up for discussion. He smashed the cigarette butt into the sand.
“Gunner, I—”
“I’m trusting you. You asked me to tell you the truth and so I have. Don’t break my trust.”
“I won’t,” she told him, her stomach in knots.
“Promise me, Reagan. You have to promise me you’ll never tell anyone what I’ve told you.”
“I promise.”
“I only stayed around after graduation for them. And for momma. But, once they graduate...I’ll be gone.”
“You’ll leave Dale?” she asked, her heart plummeting at his words. Her true question hung in the air: you’ll leave me? They hadn’t discussed him leaving since the night of his graduation.
“I know you I told you I had no plans to go anywhere. But things have changed. It’s getting worse at home. I can’t stick around much longer. There’s nothing here for me anymore, Rae.”
“Not me?”
He shook his head. “You’ll be fine. You’re going off to college in the fall. You’ll meet a guy like Gavin and you won’t look back. I have to prepare myself for that. I don’t want to be the thing that holds you back.”
“Gunner, that’s not true, you aren’t holding me back. And I don’t want any of that,” she said seriously.
“You don’t know that. Not yet.”
“I’m not leaving Dale,” she told him, watching his eyes change at her words. “More than that, I’m not leaving you. I don’t want some pig-headed boy like your brother.”
He looked away, his jaw tight. “And if I go?”
“I don’t know.” She bit her lip in thought.
“You’d stay,” he confirmed.
She was silent for a moment, choosing her words carefully. “Dale is my home. I want to tell you that if you go, I go...but I don’t want to lie to you unless I’m sure I could do that. I’d have to take some time to think.”
“I don’t want you to make sacrifices for me.”
She pursed her lips. “You’re the only one around here who gets to do that?”
“I would sacrifice anything for you,” he said. His eyes were soft as he stared at her, the truth of his statement evident.
“You love me,” she told him, a smile growing on her face.
“What?” he said, leaning back from her.
“I told you I love you and you didn’t say it back...which is okay, because I know what I signed up for when I fell for you. You’ve got your wall ten feet high and armed against anyone who tries to get close. But, you love me. I can tell it in the way you talk to me. I can see it in your eyes. I’ve learned to understand what you aren’t saying.”
He shook his head. “You are...completely crazy. And unlike anything or anyone I’ve ever known.”
“But, I’m not wrong.”
“No,” he admitted, “you’re not wrong.” He smiled, cupping her face in his hands and pressing his lips onto hers. He pulled away, resting his forehead on hers, their eyes locked together. “I’m scared one day you’re going to wake up and realize you’re with the wrong guy.”
She touched her lips to his lightly, her hands going to his hair. He laid back on the sandy shore, pulling her on top of him. “I’m in love with you, Gunner James,” she told him in between kisses. “And that makes you the right guy. I don’t care about our families or the school or our friends or anything else. I determine who the right guy for me is...and you’re it. So, love me back. And don’t be afraid. Because love doesn’t have to be scary. I’m never going to hurt you.”
He pulled her close again, fire igniting in their kisses. He ran his hands through her wet hair and down her back, gripping her waist tight. She slid further down onto his chest until all her weight was resting on him, his skin hot on hers.
When their kiss finally ended, she pulled back slightly, staring down at him. “This was your plan all along, huh? Get me out here all alone so you could seduce me?” She laughed.
He smirked. “You know me so well.” He leaned forward, kissing her neck sweetly and moving to sit up, keeping her on his lap.
She kissed him again, her tongue exploring his mouth. His fingers played with the strings of her bikini, causing her heart to pound harder. She could feel her pulse in her fingertips.
He pulled her hair gently, his lips finding her neck again. She sighed with pleasure. “I love you,” his voice came in a soft whisper. She pulled away, staring at him with wide eyes. She wasn’t sure she’d heard it, though she’d been waiting for so long. He smiled, kissing her nose. “Don’t act so surprised. I’ve loved you from the very first time we committed truancy together. I just never thought that day would lead to this one.”
“But you’re glad it did?” she asked doubtingly.
“Yes,” he assured her. “I’m very glad it did.” He pulled at a tendril of her yellow hair playfully.
“Do you plan on leaving me anytime soon?”
“I don’t want to stay in Dale,” he told her seriously, “but I do want to be with you.”
“So what do we do?”
“We leave that problem for our future selves. Today, I just want to relax and enjoy being here.”
She kissed him again. “Sounds like a good plan to me.”
* * *
Later that evening, the four teens sat on the deck of the lakehouse, enjoying the sunset. Holly rested her head on Gavin’s shoulder, both their faces bright red from spending too much time in the sun.
Reagan and Gunner sat at the patio table, her fingers laced through his. “I don’t ever want to leave this place,” she said to no one in particular.
“I don’t ever want to leave this spot,” Holly chimed in.
Gavin spoke up, elbowing Holly playfully. “Hey, you want something to drink? I’ll bet Grandpa keeps some good alcohol here. Expensive stuff.”
Gunner shook his head. “No. We don’t need to get into their alcohol. We don’t want them to know we were here, remember?”
“Come on, Gun. Don’t be a buzzkill,” Gavin said pointedly and Reagan could see the anger growing in Gunner.
“You have to drive home later,” Gunner said, keeping his temper in check.
“Or I could let you drive us home. We could come back and get my truck tomorrow. Everyone knows you aren’t going to take a drink.”
“Don’t be a dick,” Gunner said sharply.
“We could stay,” Holly offered, easing the tension. Everyone turned to look at her.
“What?” Gavin asked.
“I mean...Reagan’s eighteen. We could stay overnight. Mom and dad trust her. As long as she’s here, we could stay.”
“I don’t know, Hol,” Reagan said nervously.
Gavin, not needing further assurance, stood up and disappeared into the house. He returned a few moments later, a bottle of whiskey and four tumblers in his hands. “I even brought you one, brother,” he said, a charming smile on his face.
They were all sile
nt as Gavin filled the glasses. Reagan looked at Gunner, feeling uncomfortable. “If we stay, what will you tell your parents?”
“They won’t ask,” Gunner answered quietly, not looking at anyone.
“Hell, they won’t notice. Two less mouths to feed,” Gavin said loudly. He picked up his glass, clinking it to an imaginary one in the air and gulping the dark liquid down. Holly moved to pick up her own glass.
“It’s fine, Rae,” she assured her sister. “I’ll text mom and dad.”
Reagan bit her lip, feeling uneasy. “Tell them the truth, Hol. No lies.”
“I won’t lie,” she said, pulling her phone out of her back pocket and beginning to type a message.
Reagan looked to Gunner. “Are you okay with this? I don’t mind staying, but I don’t mind leaving either.”
The clenched fists he held on the glass tabletop told her he wasn’t. “You are welcome to stay,” he said stiffly, still not looking her way. “If you’re comfortable with it. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”
She nodded. “I’m okay with it,” she said, trying to reassure him. She reached up, pushing her glass away. “But I don’t want to drink if you aren’t.”
He moved his hand to squeeze hers. “You can if you want. It’s a personal choice for me. It has nothing to do with you.”
“I don’t want to,” she promised.
“More for me,” Gavin exclaimed obnoxiously, combining their drinks into his glass. Holly took a sip of hers, smiling brightly as she slipped the phone back into her pocket.
“Pace yourself,” Reagan warned them.
Gavin sighed dramatically. “Come on, Holly. Let’s leave these two losers alone to wallow in their self-loathing. They’re bringing me down.”
Holly let him pull her down the porch steps and Reagan felt a sense of relief as they disappeared from sight. She turned to face him. “Gunner, I can go home if you want me to. I can make Holly go home. I feel like you aren’t comfortable with this.”
He frowned. “I love spending time with you, Rae. I don’t want you to think I don’t. And I’m always okay with spending a night away from my parents. But I don’t want you to feel pressured to...do anything.”
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