“I didn’t sleep with Gavin,” she insisted, “I wouldn’t. You’ve got it all wrong.”
* * *
Reagan dreamed of Gunner’s body surrounding hers. She smiled, though she somehow knew it was a dream. A door shut somewhere in the distance, rousing her from sleep. He was still missing. She ran her hands over his empty side of the bed, sitting up.
“Where’d you go?” she asked, hearing his feet sliding over the carpet lazily. He didn’t answer. In the pitch black room, she tried hard to make out his silhouette. She felt the covers lifting, his body sliding into the bed with her once again. He wrapped his arms around her, his lips on hers. She welcomed his kiss, laying back on the pillow. He rolled over on top of her and she let out a quiet laugh. He was already hard against her leg.
“I guess this means you’re ready for round two,” she whispered, his breath on her neck. She ran her hands over his bare chest, in her half-asleep state she realized she had never noticed how defined it felt. She’d been so nervous before, she hadn’t taken the time to enjoy him.
She felt him slide inside of her suddenly, her soreness evident, and she let out a whimper. “Easy,” she begged.
“You feel amazing,” he told her, his lips on her ear.
His voice sounded strange and, more awake now, she realized there was alcohol on his breath.
She tensed. “Hey, have you been—” On the other side of the room, she heard the door open and someone was standing in the doorway. She pulled the covers up to shield them from the intruder. The light flipped on, burning her eyes and she covered them instinctively. When she opened them, she stared at Gunner, the heartbreak and betrayal written all over his face. Her eyes traveled to the man on top of her, still not completely comprehending what was happening, and gasped. Gavin’s expression was just as shocked.
“What the—” he cried, jumping off of her and covering up with the sheet.
She looked to the door. “Gunner!” she cried, crawling out of bed and looking for her clothes. Her whole body shook as she searched. “I’m so sorry,” she cried, sounding completely pathetic even to herself. “This isn’t what it looks like.” She pulled her shirt over her head, not bothering with a bra. When she looked to the doorway to try to explain, he was gone.
“Reagan, I’m—” Gavin began to speak but she couldn’t listen, couldn’t bear to look him in the eye. She pulled on her pants as she ran from the door, her heart pounding as loud as her footsteps on the hardwood.
“Gunner, please!” she screamed, running through the dark house. She heard his car door slam and the engine started up. He peeled out of the driveway before she’d made it to the door. She fell to her knees on the wooden porch, tears pouring down her face in all-out sobs. “Please...come...back,” she cried out, physical pain filling her chest.
She couldn’t believe she had been so stupid; she’d known it wasn’t Gunner. She had to have. Everything about the brothers was different: the way they felt, the way they smelled, they way they held her. She pressed her palms onto her eyes, trying to calm the hysterical cries that were escaping her throat. Bile rose into her mouth and she stood, barely making it to the edge of the porch before her stomach began emptying.
She cursed through the vomit, rubbing her stomach in pain. She felt completely empty. It was as if a Gunner-sized hole had been ripped through her insides. She felt hands on her back and the feral sobs calmed slightly as she saw her sister.
“Rae?” Holly asked, her voice small. She had tears in her own eyes.
“Get Gavin’s keys,” Reagan instructed, snot and tears coated her face but she couldn’t be bothered to clean it.
Holly remained still, looking frightened. “What happened? Gavin’s panicking.”
“Get the damn keys, Holly!” she screamed at her sister, who retreated without a word. When she returned a few moments later, Gavin wasn’t with her. It was a good thing, Reagan thought, given that she was ready to claw his throat out with her bare hands. Holly handed over her phone and bag, helping her sister to the car. Reagan dialed Gunner’s number, listening to it ring and ring.
“Hey, it’s Gunner. Leave me a message,” the voicemail played.
“Gunner,” she cried, cradling the phone. “Please, please, please call me back. Please. I’m so sorry. I thought it was you, Gun. I thought he was you. I love you. Please call me back. Please.” She cried louder as she hung up and Holly began pulling the truck down the long driveway.
“Reagan, what happened?” she asked again. Reagan’s gaze left the phone.
“I have to find him,” Reagan whispered incessantly, her eyes wild. “I have to talk to him. He needs to understand. He’ll never forgive me. I’m such an idiot.” She rambled on, thoughts pouring from her crazed mind.
Holly touched her sister’s arm. “Did he...did Gavin rape you?” she asked, her voice shaking with obvious dread.
Reagan thought about the question. They’d been having sex, sort of. And it wasn’t what she wanted. But, judging by the look on his face, it wasn’t what he had wanted either. He was drunk. It was a mistake from what she could tell. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Did he cheat on me?” she asked, the tears on her cheeks showing a breakable side of her sister Reagan rarely saw.
Reagan tried to reassure her, fill her with a sense of peace that she couldn’t find in herself. “No, Hol, I don’t think he did. It was dark. He was drunk. When Gunner flipped on the light, Gavin looked just as shocked as the rest of us. I think he was looking for you.”
“He drank way too much,” Holly agreed. Her sister’s reassurance seemed to have calmed her. “Are you going to be okay?”
“No,” Reagan told her honestly. “I just need to see Gunner. He’s never going to forgive me.”
“It was an accident,” Holly said, wiping her own tears. “He loves you. He’ll forgive you once he understands.”
“No,” Reagan argued. “You don’t get it. Gavin is like...his weakness. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. Even if he forgives me, I don’t think he’ll ever look at me the same. Oh, Holly, what am I going to do? I can’t live without him.”
Holly placed her hand on the back of Reagan’s head, rubbing her hair gently. “We’ll make sure you don’t have to,” she promised. “You two are going to be okay.”
Reagan couldn’t even muster a smile, her body feeling bruised as if she wore her broken heart on the outside. “I love him so much, Holly. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I can’t lose him.”
“You won’t,” her sister made her a promise they both knew couldn’t be kept.
When the girls pulled into Dale, Reagan was ready to jump out of her seat. As they turned into the driveway of Gunner’s home, the one he’d never let her visit, her stomach began to churn. What would he have told his family? Would they all hate her? When the truck stopped, she climbed out quickly, looking around for his car. It wasn’t there.
The front door of the house opened and Gia appeared, obviously surprised to see her there with Gavin’s truck and no Gavin.
“What happened?” Gia asked. “Where’s my brother?”
“He’s...we borrowed his truck.” She didn’t have time to explain. “Is Gunner home?”
She shook her head, stepping out onto the porch and shutting the door. “What did you do, Reagan?” she demanded. It was the first time she had heard Gia’s voice sound anything but meek.
“I just need to see him. It’s a long story.”
“He’s gone,” Gia told her, glancing toward the driveway. Reagan noticed a bruise on her cheek she hadn’t seen at first.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” Gia said, touching her face. “But you should go.”
“Do you know where he might have gone?” Reagan went on.
“He’s gone,” she repeated. “As in forever.”
The words hit her square in the chest, physically causing her to take a step back. “W-what?” She blinked back the tears
that had been stinging her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Gia said, though she didn’t really look it. “I don’t know what happened between you two but he is gone. And I don’t think either of us will ever see him again.”
“Who’s there?” a woman’s voice called from inside the house, causing Gia to flinch.
“You should go,” she said again, opening the door. “And please don’t come here again.” With that, she disappeared into the house, leaving Reagan to stumble back to the truck of the boy who had ruined it all.
* * *
It was just before six the next morning and Reagan hadn’t slept a wink. She sat on the end of her bed, tears still falling. Her body was sore—from her night with him, from sobbing for hours on end, and from the lack of food and sleep. She felt like she couldn’t move, paralyzed by the fear of never seeing the boy who held her heart again.
She checked her phone for the one hundredth time, staring at the picture of the two of them that sat on her wallpaper. No calls. No texts. Nothing. He’d shut his phone off after a few hours but she continued to call, finding small comfort in being able to hear his voice.
A quiet knock sounded on her bedroom door, but she didn’t respond. Couldn’t. When the door opened, her eyes didn’t bother moving to see who had walked in. It wasn’t him, so it didn’t matter.
Holly sat down beside of her carefully, moving a piece of hair back toward her ponytail. “Reagan?” Reagan heard the tears in her voice, breaking her trance. She looked at her sister, noticing the bright red eyes and splotchy skin.
“What is it?” she asked. It was the first time she’d heard her own voice all day. Holly sucked in a breath, her chin quivering and Reagan knew what was coming. Gunner is dead. The tears began to fall harder but she managed to maintain her composure. She waited for the blow.
Holly breathed out slowly, preparing them both. She wiped the tears as quickly as they fell. “Something happened,” she whispered.
“He’s dead, isn’t he?” Reagan asked, the calm in her voice surprising her.
“Gavin.”
“Gavin?” The name caused her stomach to knot up. “What did he do?” She spoke through gritted teeth.
“Gavin’s dead,” Holly said.
“What?” She wasn’t sure if she instantly filled with relief or shock.
“There was a fire. Momma just got a call. They’re...they’re all dead. Gavin...Gia...their dad. Their mother is in the hospital.” She was sobbing, her words coming out in short bursts. Nothing seemed to make sense to Reagan, her sister’s words all mashing together in her brain.
“What?” she asked, because no response she could think of made any sense.
“He’s just...gone.” Holly fell into her lap, shaking. Reagan stroked her hair calmly.
“Gunner wasn’t there?” she asked. She knew it was selfish, but it was the only thing that seemed to be on her mind.
Holly’s head shook with a firm no, tears continuing to fall. Reagan continued to run her fingers through her sister’s hair, wiping her own tears occasionally. They were a strange sight—two sisters, broken by brothers who were nothing but broken themselves.
“Hol?” Reagan asked, her voice shaking.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Nothing. Nevermind,” she said, unable to ask the question that was on her mind. It wasn’t possible. He’d been angry, sure. Furious with her and Gavin both. But he wouldn’t. Couldn’t. She knew him and she knew he wasn’t capable of it. And yet, the question remained, floating around her mind: had Gunner done this?
* * *
Gunner stared at her, the room was eerily still around them. He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.
“You weren’t cheating on me with Gavin?”
“Of course not, Gunner. Of course I wasn’t. It was an accident on both of our parts. He was just...drunk. And I was half asleep. I thought it was you climbing into bed. With the room so dark, I couldn’t tell. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, but I swear to you I didn’t know.” He turned away from her, pacing the room angrily. “I tried to tell you. I tried to call, to find you...but I couldn’t. I had no idea where you’d gone or when, if, you’d be back. You have no idea how much I struggled after you left. I realize you were angry, but I can’t understand how you could just walk away like you did without even hearing me out.”
He looked up at her, stopping in his tracks. “You can’t understand?” His eyes grew soft. “Rae, do you understand the power you had over me? Do you understand that my heart, my soul, everything...I gave it to you. All that time, you fought for me to let my wall down for you, but the truth was...my wall crumbled for you before I ever had the chance to stop it. I fell for you harder than I even knew possible. Everything I did, every breath I took...was for you. And when I saw you two together, after all the times I worried about you wanting someone like him...it destroyed me. From the inside out. The days after I left, months, years...I was broken. I was miserable, empty...I left a part of myself here with you. And I’ll never get that back. I couldn’t stay and watch you love my brother. It would’ve killed me. And once I was gone, I stayed gone because I wanted you to be happy. Above all, that was, is, what matters to me. Seeing you together made me realize you deserve someone better than me. Someone who could do better for you. I’d always believed that. But, if I’d known the truth, and if I’d known about Nora, I wouldn’t have left. Of course I wouldn’t have. I couldn’t.” From across the room, he could see the tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Reagan. I know I could say that everyday for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t make it okay, but you don’t know how sorry I am.”
She lowered her head, completely silent. He saw her shoulders begin to shake as sobs overtook her. He rushed to her side, his hands on her back as he tried to console her. Tears filled his own eyes as he watched her break down and knew he was to blame. She gave in, letting herself fall into his arms, her fists on his chest. He patted her hair carefully, whispering in her ear. His lips kissed the top of her heard without conscious thought. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated.
After a few moments, her crying seemed to slow and she pulled away. “I wish that was enough,” she whispered. “You left me here.”
“I know.”
“You broke my heart.”
“I never meant to.”
“That doesn’t matter, Gunner. It still happened. It still hurt. And I blamed myself, I still do sometimes, even though I know I didn’t purposefully do anything wrong.”
“It’s like you said...in the end it still hurts all the same, purposefully or not. I know I broke your heart, but I’ve spent eight years trying to heal mine too.”
She nodded. “I know. It wasn’t really your fault, and it wasn’t really mine. But at the same time, we’re both to blame.”
“All that matters now is that we know the truth.”
“There is one thing I still don’t know about.”
“What’s that?”
She bit her lip nervously, her eyes searching his. “Don’t hate me for asking.”
“Just tell me.”
“Did you have something to do with their deaths?” she asked, her eyes closed.
His jaw dropped and he tried not to hesitate. “What? No! Of course not.”
She let out a sigh of relief and her face said she believed him. “I didn’t want to think so, but it was strange timing. I had to ask.”
“You brought me home to Nora without knowing the answer to that question?”
“I knew you weren’t a danger to us, Gun.”
“How could you possibly know that? It’s been eight years...a lot has changed since I last saw you.”
“That may be true, but I never doubted how much you loved me. And, if you loved me like I loved you...you’d sooner die than harm me. Or Nora.”
He swallowed hard as she said it. Loved. Past-tense. As in, she didn’t love him anymore. Hadn’t in a long time most likely. “Right,” he said, trying to seem as though he hadn’t
felt jilted by her comment. “Well, it was a long time ago. We were just dumb kids. You’re with someone new now, so we need to focus on Nora and what we can do to make this easy on her. I want to make sure I’m a part of her life.” His words were harsher than he’d meant them to be and she took a step back.
“Have you changed your mind about staying?”
“No,” he said, “I still need to go back to New York eventually. My life is there now. But Nora could come stay with me for the summer, maybe. We could work out something where we rotate holidays…or whatever you think would be best.”
“If you think for one minute I’m going to let you take my daughter to the same city where my baby sister was just murdered you’re insane.”
“Our daughter,” he reminded her. “And I would never let anything happen to her.”
“You can’t promise that. No. I’m sorry but if you want to see Nora, you’ll have to come home.”
“This isn’t my home anymore,” he said, hitting his hand on the island, suddenly angry.
“It’s hers.” Reagan was standing her ground. He knew that stubborn look in her eyes all too well. “I’m sorry, Gunner. I’m not trying to be unreasonable. I’m really not. I know you want to see her and I appreciate that. But New York is non-negotiable. And if you try to fight me...well, as far as any court is concerned, you abandoned her before she was born.”
Her words stung and he wanted to argue but decided against it. “I would never try to take her from you. You’re her mother, Rae. She needs you.” He took a deep breath, thinking. “I’ll just have to make trips back to Dale more often. I can make it work. I just wish I could see her more than I’ll be able to.”
“Why are you in New York anyway? What took you there?”
He shrugged. “It was far away from here.”
She walked to the refrigerator and placed the container full of leftovers into it. “And do you like it? Are you happy there?”
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