by Alexia Purdy
Then there was Jonas. He at least told me he was on business back in Mexico for a week. They were both down there now, and it made me wonder if that was why I hadn’t heard from either of them. What did they think of each other? Emilio knew about Jonas, and I was pretty sure Jonas knew something was going on with Emilio and I. Why put me through these forced separations from either one? Something had to be going down if Emilio was too preoccupied to receive my calls.
Or maybe he was being monitored more than I’d originally thought.
I groaned, rubbing my face until my cheeks burned hot. This all left me confused, hurt, and feeling casted off. It made my emotions span from wanting to cry my heart out to a raw anger, boiling in my veins and ready to set the place on fire. I shook off the feelings, finding tears streaking down my face and dripping onto my shirt, regardless of how hard I tried to keep it at bay.
The music continued as I scanned the room. The bed was unmade. My clothes hung out of my suitcase and were strewed across the floor. Cables, equipment, and a sack of picks spread across the floor like snakes and frogs sitting in the pit, surrounding me. Snack wrappers littered what little carpet could be seen. One hot mess. I snapped out of my daydream and took it all in with a sickening horror.
I’d fallen to pieces. That wasn’t Liv. She wouldn’t let herself stoop so very low and crumble like ash. How did this happen?
I snapped. Slamming my hand on the power buttons, ripping cords out of amps and wall sockets with a ferocious fury. Tossing my guitar on the bed as I untangled myself from the mess of cords, I stomped off to the bathroom and took a good look at my face in the mirror.
This had to stop. This deconstruction of Liz. I could tolerate a lot of things but not this. I couldn’t disintegrate so easily. I wouldn’t let it own me regardless of how dysfunctional I could be. I turned the sink on and splashed my blotchy face with cold water. After drying off, I smeared make up on, rubbing it in until it was smooth and immaculate. Finishing up, I smiled at the composed face I’d created—every line in its place. Then, I raked the brush through the nest of hair I’d let go awry. Finally smoothing it into a manageable mane, I pulled it through a headband and tucked some of my hair into it, allowing most of it to fall out for a half swept up look.
Finally, slipping large hoop earrings onto my ears and swiping a bright fire engine red lipstick onto my lips, I stepped back and sat on the edge of the tub, studying the reflection of a very vibrant and confidant young woman staring back.
It was time to get back to reality. Damned be anyone who stood in my fucking way.
Chapter Forty-Four
Audrey
“I’m sorry to tell you this…but…I couldn’t detect a heartbeat.”
The doctor gripped onto the manila folder in her tiny, pale hands. I didn’t really hear her speaking, for I knew what the words would be. I stopped listening before she was done, my eyes drifting out the small window near the compact sink and counter across from me.
The sky was so blue. Not just the normal blue, but a vivid azure that taunted me with a happy vibe. I didn’t want the happy right now. I wanted to scream, grab the stupid metal table that held all the gynecologist’s instruments on its brushed nickel surface and fling it at that stomach twisting happy blue to shatter it into a thousand little pieces.
“Miss Westing?” I blinked back toward the doctor, feeling the tears still stinging behind my eyes but willing them to hold behind the fierce dam of anger building inside. “Are you alright?”
I gave her a weak nod and forced a dim smile onto my face.
“Yes, of course. Thank you, Doctor. Can I get dressed now?”
Dr. Lanister watched me pensively, eyes full of sympathy. I wanted to tell her to shove it down her petite throat. I wanted none of it.
“Yes, you may get dressed. Just check out at the desk when you’re finished.” She threw me a quick, practiced smile, full of grace and gentile. I focused on her stethoscope and brilliant white lab coat as she made her way out the door and then clicked it softly shut behind her.
She didn’t know the pit of despair sucking me into its bottomless abyss inside my stomach. How could she? I’d seen her desk when I’d first come here. The pictures of wide smiles and laughing blonde children that graced the shiny frames arranged at the corners of her desk told me everything I needed to know about her sympathy. I wanted none of it.
I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I would need another procedure if I didn’t begin to bleed soon and expel any material left in my womb. That’s what they called it. Material. Not dead baby, not fetus, embryo or fertilized egg. Material. Like it was an unwanted ream of linen waiting to be cut away from my insides. How callus. How absolutely blind she truly was to what I felt inside. She knew nothing of empathy for a person like me.
I ripped off the paper gown before shoving it into the trash can. Dressing as fast as possible, my hair flew up with static as I tugged my head through the collar of my sweater. I hated this place. I hated being here. I hoped I wouldn’t ever have to return. Finally slipping my shoes on, I tore the door open and hurried to the desk where I signed and dropped a payment of crumbled twenties on the counter, for the visit, with the doctor’s secretary. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, and waiting for the receipt to print out was agony. Maybe I didn’t need it.
I had to get out of there. I was going to suffocate for lack of air. Snatching my receipt, I barreled out of the office, past other women, pregnant or here for checkups, and out the door. Even the hallway was oppressive as I slammed a finger on the elevator button. Waiting for it made me want to slam a fist into the wall, for I couldn’t bear standing here any longer.
Right when I’d decided to find the stairs, the elevator dinged open. Thankfully, the carriage was empty and I stepped in, praying it wouldn’t stop on any other floors and would give me the mercy of dumping me onto the ground floor.
Luckily, it heard my tiny prayer. Still feeling on the verge of a hypoxic episode, I ran out of the elevator, down the hall, accidently tapping shoulders with others who were entering the medical building, and out into the streets.
I couldn’t go home yet. I had to find a place to hide until I stopped crying and could compose myself to get back to Saul. Without too many choices available, I ran into the garage of our building where the smell of gasoline and emissions filled my nose.
Reaching the rental car the record company paid for us to share while we spent our time in New York, I slammed the door shut and sat inside its cool interior. At least here I could hide. Here I could let the ugly cry rampage out and no one would see me. I couldn’t breathe and felt like my heart was going to burst if I didn’t somehow fix it. Closing my eyes, I felt the tears burst and slide down my cheeks as I concentrated on each breath.
Breathe in....three…two…one….
Hot warm tears dripped off my chin and down onto my shirt.
I wanted to drop and sink into the ground like them, forever.
How was I going to tell Saul about this? How would I even be able to accept that I probably can’t ever get pregnant? The doctor told me that was possible. There was just too much scarring involved to ever have a decent chance of conceiving. I couldn’t even imagine a life without a family. It was something I’d always wanted. But life had a cruel way of being so fucked up and unfair without any good reasons on why. It just was, and I had to face the music regardless of the outcome.
But how do I get through it?
Chapter Forty-Five
Liv
The line clicked to voicemail, so I punched the end button on my phone with a harsh tap. Emilio was still avoiding my calls. I actually only spoke with him when he called first. I didn’t understand. My jealous heart was feeling fairly underfed, and this affection anorexia was getting old. I hadn’t told him about the pregnancy, and I was three months along now. Even so, I didn’t know if I was going to tell him about it at all.
There were so many things I had to think about, things that mattered to me, an
d things I had to consider for my future. I hadn’t even told my sister yet. How could I when I didn’t have any idea on what I was going to do about anything?
“Hey, Liz, are you heading to the studio today?” Audrey leaned on the doorframe of my room. She visited today to make sure I had groceries in the dinky little motel fridge the place provided. I had a small kitchenette to cook on, but I rarely did. I didn’t know why she bothered with anything fresh besides fruits; I always let them go bad. She stocked me up with easy stuff to microwave too, but it got old fast. I preferred to eat out to anything I could whip up here.
“Yep.” I shook off my thoughts and took a deep breath. “So we’re recording at this new studio, huh? What happened to the one back in Cali with Random?”
Audrey shrugged, dropping her head to study the ugly motel carpet. “I don’t know. Random said we’re to record at this one now and he’s working with a new band back in Cali. Must be some weird contractual thing Jonas set up for us. I have no idea. Random never says much about anything.” She sounded bitter, but I failed to wonder why. She peered up and watched me getting ready, running the brush through my tangled locks. “Do you think Jonas is going to sign us to a bigger company?”
I laughed. If only.
“Can he without our consent?” I asked.
“I have no idea. We signed all the management to him and his party. His cousin’s company handled the recording as a contractor. I guess he could. Anything is possible.”
“Sounds scary.”
“Yeah.” Audrey’s furrowed brow made her look overly concerned.
“You feeling alright?” I inquired. I knew she battled a nasty stomach flu over a month ago and was probably over it, but she still appeared paler and frail than I remembered her to be. I hoped it hadn’t had any residual effects.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Totally better now.”
“You eating? You’re always forcing me to down shit. Maybe you should do the same for yourself.” I shook my brush at her, throwing an accusatory look her way.
“I’m eating. I just don’t have much of an appetite lately.”
“Well you look like Skeletor…”
“Enough about that. I’m fine,” she snapped. Walking toward the door, she stopped before exiting and turned toward me. “I’ll be waiting in the hall. Better hurry. We don’t want to be late if we’re going to meet new people today.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Alright, be out in a few minutes.”
She clicked the door shut behind her, and I gave it a stare down, studying the scuff marks at the bottom of the frame. I hated to admit it, but what she said made me even more nervous. I was more than ready to quit the band because of Jonas and Emilio, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do it to Audrey and Saul. There was no way I would ever leave them hanging with a dangerous man like Jonas at our throats. Even in his absence, his grip on us was apparent, wearing us down, whittling our souls like driftwood, shaping us down until we were what he’d envisioned. But if he whittled too much and our tiny skeletons broke under his knife, what then?
The memory of his heated touch, his post love-making words professing his love to me would never be enough to make me feel safe in his clutches. Never.
I dropped the brush on the floor and slipped on my boots. Zipping them up, I stared at my pale reflection staring back at me from the dresser. I needed make up but hadn’t worn any in a week. Maybe the execs would think twice at picking us up if they saw how sickly looking we were. Chuckling at the thought, I decided to throw on some makeup and completed my look with eyeliner and swipe of lipstick. A dash of blush brightened my features, and I stretched my lips wide, smiling at my refection.
There. No more zombie princess look.
“It’s show time!” I whispered to myself before exiting the room. How truly right I was.
***
Jonas was just one of many people sitting at the conference room table of Noble Records. It was a prestigious record company based in New York City.
I smoothed down my hair and stared at my fingers, decorated with several large dazzling rings, a skull ring, and a large obsidian jewel in the shape of a rectangle. I loved to wear jewelry, the bigger the better. Even the bangles that clinked together whenever I moved made a statement. No one could pass me by without eyeing me from head to toe with a mixture of awe and absolute shock. It made me smile at their innate fear of who I was. Maybe I was some druggie that passed them by, hiding a Swiss army knife to rob them if I pleased. Maybe I was a famous rock star they didn’t recognize quite yet. Maybe I was just another groupie of another band who was performing in the city that very night. Most people here didn’t give me a second glance, but a few people did.
“Welcome, Audrey, Liv, and Saul of The Fall of Sky. My name is David Anderson, and these are my executives, Sandra Alder and William Thomas.” The guy at the head of the table waved as the two on each of his sides followed suit. His hair was dark but peppered with grey, and his beard was perfectly trimmed and also dotted with silver hair. He looked like he could be in his fifties, but I wasn’t sure. I watched him as he nodded to his underlings and proceeded. “We are thrilled to be meeting you today and are pleased to announce something very special in the works for your next album.
“Jonas tells me of your successes with your first album and that your second one will soon be out. Unfortunately, there will be a slight delay with the contractual transfers, but it shouldn’t be too long. Things do go a bit slower in the larger record companies, but we will do our best to keep the original timeline and not stray too far from the release date. You have fans that are impatiently waiting for the next album, I hear.”
I could feel my face contort into confusion and turned to find the same shock on my sister’s and Saul’s face.
“W—Wait…you’re saying we’re changing management?” Audrey placed a finger on the table and threw a daggered stare at Jonas. “Why weren’t we informed of this?” Her finger shook as she waited.
Jonas, looking unperturbed and cool, folded his fingers together as he leaned back in his chair, legs crossed. “We have complete control of any contractual changes and only have to notify you when the changes are done.” He waved a hand out toward the others. “Hence, why we’re here today.”
“What else is involved in these changes?” I asked. Unlike Audrey, I wasn’t so stunned. I met Jonas’ stare directly. Even after not seeing him in weeks, he offered me a flirty smile that made my insides swim. Instead of reciprocating, I gave him a cold icy stare down.
“As of today, all contracts for The Fall of Sky have been bought out by Nobel Records, for a sizeable amount if I may say so myself.” David winked and leaned forward with a high wattage smile that made me want to smack it off his face. He obviously thought highly of himself and probably believed he was impressing us. I choked down a sarcastic retort.
“So what does this mean for us?” It was Saul’s turn to ask questions. He couldn’t see the smirk on Jonas’ face or anything else really reflected in the faces of everyone in the room, and that was probably a good thing.
“It means you will now be working for Nobel records from now on. We will produce all your music, and all your songs previously recorded and in production are now property of Nobel Records. You will be scheduled for tours, appearances, and all future recording here for the span of five records while under contractual agreement. Also…” David took a deep breath in, looking excited even for my glum mood. “You’ll each be receiving a sizeable compensation, much more than when working under your previous contract, along with continued royalty payments once advances have been met.”
I turned the obsidian ring on my finger, its metal warming under my fingers. Could it be true? Did Jonas really sell us to another company? If so…what did that mean for our carnal contract? Was it truly over?
I flicked my eyes up to meet Jonas who was already watching me back, gauging my reactions to the situation. I felt my face flush a scarlet red as he drilled his stare into me.
He wanted to talk to me; his face told me that much. If our contract was over, what did that make of us? What would that affect between him, Emilio and me?
And if it truly was over, what of Audrey and Saul? Were we truly free again?
“Can I get a copy of all this on paper?” Audrey managed to croak out a level headed request while the rest of us sat there in complete silence. No one could even speak. It was too sudden, too unexpected. I never would’ve guessed that money was Jonas’ motivation all this time. The thought made me feel numb, cold even.
“You certainly can. I’ll have my secretary make copies for all three of you. We at Noble Records feel that The Fall of Sky will fit in very well with us, and we look forward to a bright future working with you and your music.”
If only their spiel wasn’t so robotic, I might’ve felt more relief.
The room began to disassemble; David and his two execs came to greet us, chat it up and try to welcome us. It did soften my attitude toward them, especially listening to the endless barrage of questions Audrey had for them. They answered everything professionally and patiently, even offering to order us some lunch since it was already getting late. We wouldn’t be recording today, that was for sure.
I didn’t pay attention. That was Audrey’s job.
Jonas finally made his way toward me and placed his hand on my arm.
“May I speak with you in private?”
“Yeah, sure. Where do you want to go?”
“We can go to my hotel suite first. I have something for you. Then we can go out for lunch. This was the formal meeting. Recording wouldn’t start until later this week. Still some quirks to straighten out.”
I nodded. “Let me grab my purse and let Audrey know.”
He gave me a curt nod. “I’ll be waiting outside in the car.” He turned and walked out the main doors where Lonzo and one other Cartel member awaited to accompany him. Lonzo gave me a curt nod as he held the door open. They let Jonas stroll by without much fuss. I watched him go until Lonzo yanked the doors shut behind him. This all felt off, and my curiosity burned as I stared at the doors, waiting for something else to happen. It didn’t, though, so I turned back toward the chatting execs who were now engaged in a vibrant conversation with Saul.