by Martina Cole
He nodded.
‘Yeah. You’re right, Maws.’
He stretched, and it was as if he’d had the weight of the world taken off his shoulders.
‘In future I am going to leave the prod in the car. I am going to take a deep breath and tell meself that I love her and therefore I mustn’t hurt her in any way.’
‘That’s it, Benny. You know it makes sense. Now, more tea?’
He shook his head.
‘No, Maws, I have to get back. I’m taking her out for a few hours before tonight’s jollifications . . .’
‘What’s happening tonight then?’
He grinned once more.
‘You’ll find out soon enough.’ He rose from his chair and hugged her across the table. ‘Thanks, Auntie Maura. I feel so much better now.’
‘You’ll be all right, Benny, just try and keep that temper of yours in check. Keep it for the business, leave family out of it. And Carol is your family now, remember.’
He nodded.
When he had gone Maura thought about what he had said and felt a terrible sadness fall over her day. Benny was mad, everyone knew that. He swung from extreme laughter to murderous rage within a split second. What was the kink in their family that made so many of them like that? Had to be their mother, she knew it inside herself. If her own child had lived, would it have been the same? Maura shook off the thought; she would never have let it be like that. Janine and her mother had made Benny and Michael what they were with their neediness and obsession with their sons. Neither of them had had any time for their daughters, as she herself knew from experience. Sins of the mothers and all that. She sighed, depressed once more.
Then the thought of Benny on an anger management course made her smile again. She could see the newspaper headline now: ‘Man on anger management course glues eyes of course leader together and attacks him with cattle prod’.
It wasn’t funny really, and she knew that, but it still made her smile.
As she loaded the dishwasher she wondered what her life would become. She was fifty years old and surrounded by a lunatic family whom she loved, but with no children and no real happiness of her own.
She closed her eyes briefly as loneliness descended on her once more. She had to hand over the businesses properly and get a life before it was too late. It was the only way out for her and she knew it. If she didn’t do it now she never would. She had done what she could for her family and now it was time to take care of herself.
In her mind’s eye she saw Terry smiling at her and felt the pain of his loss once more. She pushed the thought away and walked from the house.
As she got into her car she wondered where the hell she was going. It wasn’t the first time she had driven herself nowhere. In fact, it was becoming a regular occurrence.
She knew that eventually she would end up at Michael’s grave. Even though she was inwardly determined she wasn’t going there, she knew it would be her journey’s end. She missed him so much and being near him reassured her. She still didn’t know why that was; he was dead and buried this long time.
But it did.
Sheila and Sarah watched the children running amok in the garden together. They smiled at the antics of the smallest boy and the only girl, who was treated with kid gloves by her brothers and lorded it over them all.
‘The food looks nice, Sarah.’
The old woman shrugged.
‘It’s all her favourites. I remember how Maura used to help me when she was small. She was a good child.’
‘All children are good.’
Sarah smiled.
‘Not all. You know, my Garry was a bastard from the first day he drew breath. I’ve been driven demented by him all his life, him and his shagging inventing! Nearly killed my Benny he did once.’
She was quiet for a few seconds before saying sadly, ‘He was killed anyway so maybe it would have been better if he had died then. They tortured him, did you know that? My Benny. My baby boy. He died a painful and terrifying death.’
They both shuddered, remembering the way Benny’s head had been found on Hampstead Heath. There were tears on Sarah’s face now and Sheila placed an arm gently round her shoulders.
‘Don’t upset yourself.’
But the fear was in her voice and Sarah heard it.
‘It’s only me reminiscing, it’s just me age. My Michael would have been in his sixties now. I have trouble at times realising just how old I am. My Michael would have been sixty-five to be exact. Can you imagine that?’
‘I hope I see my children grow up to be old.’
‘I wanted that as well, but it never happened, did it? Not with them all anyway.’ Sarah grinned. ‘He would have hated being a pensioner anyway, my poor Michael.’
They laughed at her words and the dark mood was broken.
‘My Lee was always the good boy. He just follows the pack, always did. Bear that in mind when you’re cross with him, Sheila.’
She went to make another of her endless cups of tea.
Sheila watched her children closely. She watched for any of the bad Ryan traits, determined to stamp them out before they took hold. She would not bury any of her kids, she knew that much.
An hour later the house was full of people and now they all had to wait for the birthday girl to arrive. Carla looked fantastic and Sheila, who normally liked her, felt a bit put out. She had certainly gone to town today. In fact, everyone remarked on how lovely she looked and Carla preened herself at the praise.
Benny and his girlfriend were both telling her what a beauty she was and Sheila, catching sight of herself in the hall mirror, realised how dowdy she herself had become. The reflection in the mirror depressed her. Once she had been attractive and Lee had adored her. She knew he still loved her but there had been a subtle shifting in their relationship since the deaths of Terry and Janine.
She saw Roy kissing his daughter and her heart went out to him. He was like a big cuddly teddy these days. All the life had gone from him somehow; it was as if a part of him had died with his wife.
She waved at Marge and Dennis as they came into the room, Marge still in her heavy camel coat and startling make-up. Then a voice surprised her by saying quietly in her ear, ‘Penny for them, Sheila.’
She turned to her husband and spontaneously kissed him. She saw the shock and pleasure on Lee’s face and wanted to tell him how much she loved him really. How sorry she was for her coldness. But before she could say anything a man walked into the room. He was well-dressed and he was handsome and Sarah Ryan was making him very welcome. Sheila realised that this was Tommy Rifkind, Maura’s partner as they called lovers these days. He was gorgeous and she was amazed at the feelings he engendered in her breast. She suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe, and as she watched Carla simpering across at him felt a real urge to go home and get changed and come back slim and beautiful so this man would notice her.
The knowledge made her blush red to the roots of her hair.
Sarah Ryan looked at the eyecatching man before her and decided that if nothing else her daughter could still pick them. He was gorgeous. She wasn’t too sure about the heavy with him, he was like a gorilla dressed up in a suit, but he smiled at her and as she shook his hand did a little curtsey-type of movement that made them all laugh.
Tommy rolled his eyes and said kindly, ‘He gets nervous round new people. This is my oldest friend Joss Campion.’
Benny smacked Joss on the back and took him out to the kitchen to get him a drink. Sarah chatted to the handsome newcomer and marvelled once more at what these men saw in her daughter. Was it the coldness Maura seemed to have in abundance? Or was it those huge breasts that seemed to be part of another person? Though Maura had never flaunted them they were there for all the world to see. She realised she was being petty, though. She forced the jealousy down, reminding herself this was a bridge-building exercise, and concentrated on chatting to Tommy Rifkind. Sarah decided she genuinely liked him, she liked him a lot. Would h
e be the catalyst that would bring her daughter to her senses, though? Somehow she doubted it very much.
The phone rang to herald Maura’s arrival and Benny dimmed the lights. They all stood in darkness waiting for Garry to bring her into the house. Tommy could feel the nervous tension in the room and hoped there wouldn’t be a scene. He hated scenes of any kind.
His wife Gina had been a quiet woman but his girlfriends all tended to be termagents, loud women with noisy voices and even noisier lives. He was getting too old for that now. He sipped his drink and tried once more not to look at Maura’s niece Carla with her sexy clothes and come-hither eyes. If he wasn’t careful he was going to get himself in trouble there, he knew it.
Tommy Rifkind liked women, couldn’t help himself. It was how he was made.
‘What do you mean, Mum’s ill? If she is then I’m the last person she’ll want to see.’
Garry was getting impatient. He had been arguing with his sister all the way here.
‘She wants to see you, all right? Fuck me, Maws, she is your mother, and it is your fiftieth birthday, and she is a little old lady who wants to see her only daughter. Just say hello to her that’s all, and then we can get on with the dinner party at the Ivy.’
‘So it’s at the Ivy, is it?’
There was laughter in Maura’s voice.
‘Now I have let the cat out of the bag. Don’t tell the others, will you? Act all surprised like, promise?’
Garry fervently hoped that when she found out there was no Ivy she wouldn’t create. He really wasn’t in the mood.
‘Promise me, Maws!’
She nodded.
They were outside the house in Lancaster Road now and Maura looked at the forbidding façade, the darkness of the rooms, and sighed.
‘Come on then, let’s get it over with. But if she starts I’m going home, I mean it.’
‘Oh, shut the fuck up, you miserable old cow.’
‘Not so much of the old, if you don’t mind.’
Garry put the key in the lock and they walked inside. Maura had not been in this house for years and the familiar smell of food was instantly overwhelming. Then they were walking into the lounge and the light was going on and she was seeing all her family and friends, and in the middle of them all, smiling and holding out her arms, was her mother.
‘Happy birthday, child.’
Sarah’s voice was old and cracked but sounded friendly. Maura went into her arms without a second’s thought.
Tommy felt the tension leave the room. Plastering a smile on his face, he tried not to look at the delectable Carla too much.
But he was as aware of her as she was of him.
Maura stood in the garden with Tommy and Joey. Joss was inside and the boys were taking bets on when he would stop eating. Sarah loved him, his obvious enjoyment of her food was like balm to her.
Though Maura had hugged her mother she had kept her cool. In her heart of hearts Sarah knew it would take time before they were back on their old footing. That is, if they ever got back to how they had been once, many years ago, before Maura had grown up and turned into someone her mother didn’t know any more and could not for the life of her like, let alone love. Sarah still couldn’t admit to herself that it was the fact that she couldn’t control her daughter any more that had been the chief bugbear between them.
Tommy cuddled Maura to him and for once she let him. Normally in public she would discreetly move away from him, but tonight she was happy for everyone to see them together. She smiled at Carla as she came into the garden with a large plate of food.
‘Thanks, Carla. The food is great, isn’t it?’
‘Well, there’s certainly plenty of it. Good job and all with that friend of yours, Tommy. He ain’t stopped eating for over two hours!’
Tommy laughed with her and Maura watched them. She was glad they got on together, it was important to her that they did. Carla had liked him from the first time they had met, and she knew he liked her niece. It was vital for them to be friends; if things went as planned they would be seeing a lot of each other. Tonight had given her a taste of what had been missing from her life and Maura hoped there’d be some changes made soon.
They were all in the garden now and Benny was making his announcement. Carol was pink with pleasure and Maura felt a moment’s jealousy as she thought of what the girl must be feeling. She had a child growing inside her and she had a man who loved her. Maura had only ever felt that for a few fleeting hours in her own life but she remembered it well. Terry had dumped her even while she was still reeling from the shock of finding herself pregnant by him. She watched her mother’s face as she contemplated the arrival of a great-grandchild and her joy as Benny kissed and hugged her. He had ignored his grandma for so long and now Maura wondered if it was just because of the way Sarah had cut her off. But she knew at heart that Benny disliked her mother for the same reason he had disliked his own. They were too suffocating.
She only hoped Sarah didn’t start interfering in her own life now they were so-called mates again.
Abul kissed Carol and shook Benny’s hand warmly. Maura liked him and he liked her, there was mutual respect between them. She knew that other than herself he was the only person able to control Benny. They had been friends since school and Benny loved him like a brother.
Abul’s girlfriend Serena was smiling like a Cheshire cat and Maura wondered what she would do if she heard about his arranged marriage. To him Serena was just another easy lay he had met up the Five Rivers in Ilford. It was a predominantly Asian club, but there were not many Asian girls there. Only white girls or African, some West Indian.
Maura sometimes felt she knew Abul as well as she knew Benny, they had been friends so long. As he came over to her she said, ‘Borghal lugardi.’
Abul roared with laughter. She had just told him in Punjabi that his girlfriend Serena was fit. Serena didn’t laugh, she had a sneaking suspicion they were taking the piss.
‘She’s just a dorst, Maura, a mate.’
Maura smiled at the girl.
‘You look like more than mates to me.’
The girl, unaware who she was talking to, said in a flat voice, ‘And what would you know about it?’
Abul looked at her as if she had gone mad before his eyes.
‘Apologise this minute.’
His voice was clipped.
Benny, seeing the commotion, came over. Gripping Serena’s arm, he walked her from the garden with Abul following closely. Maura gave it a few beats and then she went after them. The girl was young, she meant no real harm.
Outside the house she heard Abul roaring at the girl, ‘Dharvaho, you bitch!’
Maura walked over to them and said gently, ‘He is telling you to fuck off, love. Now why don’t you let me get you a cab, eh?’
She pushed Abul and Benny back towards the house.
‘Leave her alone. Go back to the party, boys.’
Serena was surprised to see they immediately did what the woman told them. She knew their reps; it was the real attraction of Abul for her. He was a face, a gangster, and she loved it.
Maura waited until they went inside before saying, ‘You can get a cab round the corner, do you need any money?’
The girl shook her head. She knew she wouldn’t be seeing Abul again.
‘I’m sorry.’
Maura smiled at her.
‘Don’t be. Get off home, and remember that Abul is like all men. They use women. They do it with a smile and a kind word, but they use women. He’s getting married to a nice little girl from Rajasthan soon. Thought you’d like to know.’
The girl walked dejectedly away.
‘That was nice of you, Maws.’
Roy was at the gate and she had not even noticed him.
‘Poor little mare.’
‘Good news about the baby, though, eh, Maws? And the wedding, of course.’
He looked so pleased after all he’d been through that it broke her heart.
‘It’s lovely. You’ll be a granddad again, won’t you?’
He nodded.
‘I just hope this one ain’t a poof like Joey.’
Maura was so shocked at his words she didn’t answer him.
‘Everyone says Benny is like Michael but it’s Joey who’s really like him.’
Kylie Minogue was now blaring from the house and as they walked in Maura’s nephew was dancing on his own in the middle of the front room.
‘See what I mean, Maws? Queer as a two-bob fucking clock! Just like Michael, a shit stabber.’
Maura was saved from answering by Benny who was by now dancing with Joey, albeit in a piss-taking kind of way. But Joey didn’t care, he was the centre of attention and he loved it.
Then Marge was joining in and so was Carla and suddenly it seemed there was a mass exodus to the small dance space. Maura saw Carla shimmying in front of Tommy and watched him as he watched her niece. It dimly occurred to her that Carla was making a play for him.
Then Tommy saw Maura and was making his way to her side, a smile on his handsome face and another drink in his hand. He was flushed from alcohol and coke. She guessed he had had a small toot with Benny and made allowances. But the expression on Carla’s face stayed with her for the rest of the night. She hoped it was only the drink because if Carla wanted Tommy Rifkind, like it seemed she did, then Maura had a dilemma on her hands.
She smiled and carried on outwardly enjoying the party. But she watched as Benny kept a beady eye on the proceedings and knew that he missed nothing. She would talk to him about it if needs be.
He saw her watching him and raised his glass to her. Maura smiled back at him and raised her own.
She was going to get pissed, she decided there and then. She was fifty, for God’s sake, and she was going to get as pissed as she could.
And she did.
At three in the morning she was asleep beside Tommy when the phone rang. She answered it sleepily then sat bolt upright in bed. Tommy, sensing something was deeply wrong, sat up with her.
‘Who is this? Fucking answer me!’