by Laura Martin
‘I feel like I’m on top of the world when I’m up here,’ Gertie said quietly.
The young girl had sat down with her feet dangling over the edge fearlessly. Louisa looked down to the street a long way below and felt her stomach lurch.
‘It’s all right,’ Gertie said. ‘I’ve been up here hundreds of times, thousands, even, and I’ve never fallen.’
Louisa envied the fearlessness of childhood. Carefully she sat down beside Gertie and looked out over the city.
‘How long have you lived here, Gertie?’ Louisa asked.
‘All my life...’ She paused, then corrected herself. ‘At least it feels like all my life. Apparently I lived with my grandmother when I was a baby.’
‘You don’t remember?’
Gertie shook her head. ‘I don’t remember my parents or my grandmother. It’s as though I’ve always lived here. What’s it like, having parents?’
Louisa looked at the young girl and saw the curiosity in her eyes.
‘I’m an orphan, too,’ Louisa said, ‘but I do remember my parents. I was ten when they died.’
Gertie took her hand and patted it comfortingly. Louisa thought it was sad this young girl knew how to behave in such an adult way. She should be playing with dolls and spinning fairy tales, not talking about death.
‘Having a mother and father was wonderful,’ Louisa said as Gertie looked at her expectantly. ‘My mother would kiss me goodnight every evening and my father would read me stories. When they were alive I always felt safe and loved.’
Gertie looked wistful.
‘One day I’m going to leave here,’ Gertie said with conviction.
‘Where will you go?’
Gertie grinned. ‘My Prince Charming is going to come and rescue me from this rooftop on his white horse and we’ll gallop off into the sunset together.’
So someone was reading fairy tales to these orphans.
‘You carry on dreaming, Gertie, it does happen.’
The young girl kicked her feet against the bricks.
‘Can you keep a secret?’ Louisa asked.
Gertie nodded, her eyes lighting up at the prospect of a confidence. Louisa knew she shouldn’t tell anyone where she had spent the last year of her life, but Gertie wasn’t going to tell anyone who could do her any damage. One little slip in front of any members of the ton and she would become a social pariah, but Gertie was a safe confidante.
‘Not long ago I was in a place a little like this, but it was worse, much worse.’
‘Worse than this?’ Gertie scrunched up her nose as if she didn’t believe it was possible.
‘Much worse than this. I was locked in a tiny room all day and chained to the wall. I only ate porridge and gruel for one year.’
‘That does sound worse,’ Gertie conceded.
‘Then one day, out of the blue, my very own brave knight came and rescued me.’
Gertie’s eyes were wide with disbelief.
‘He swept me out of that horrible place and took me into his home.’
‘Did you marry him?’ Gertie asked.
Louisa laughed.
‘Everyone knows the girl always marries her Prince Charming,’ Gertie insisted.
Louisa looked out into the distance and contemplated the young girl’s words. In fairy tales the girl always did marry Prince Charming, but life wasn’t a fairy tale. She allowed her imagination to wander, thinking about what life could be like if she were married to Robert. She pictured them strolling arm in arm around his country estate, broods of children skipping by their sides, and in the evening, when it was just the two of them, he would whisk her off to their bedroom where he’d do very wicked things to her.
Louisa felt the colour start to rise in her cheeks and hastily turned back to Gertie to distract herself.
‘After my parents died I lived with a very horrible old man,’ Louisa said. ‘Eventually he sent me to the place where they locked me in my room and chained me to the wall.’
‘He does sound horrible,’ Gertie agreed.
‘After that I told myself I would never rely on anyone else again. I would trust in myself and no one else.’
Gertie pulled a face. ‘That’s silly,’ she said. ‘Everyone has to trust someone else. We can’t live our lives alone.’
Louisa wondered how this eight-year-old girl who had spent her entire life in an orphanage was so wise.
‘Every time I’d trusted someone they’d hurt me,’ Louisa tried to explain.
‘Then maybe you trusted the wrong people.’
Louisa thought of Robert. She remembered his supportive presence when he’d invited the doctor to certify she wasn’t mad and she thought of his encouraging smile every time her confidence wavered. Suddenly Louisa knew Robert wouldn’t hurt her. She knew it as well as she knew her own name.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ Louisa said.
‘So you’ll marry him?’ Gertie insisted.
Louisa laughed. ‘It’s not quite as simple as that.’
The young girl rolled her eyes with exasperation.
‘You love him and he loves you. That’s how it always works in fairy tales.’
Louisa thought of their kiss on the terrace the night before. It had been filled with passion and desire, but more than that it had been tender and almost loving. For a second she dared to wonder if Gertie was right.
‘You do love him, don’t you?’ Gertie asked, suddenly suspicious.
Louisa felt her throat go dry and her heart start to pound in her chest. How could she love a man she’d only known for a week?
Gertie shrugged. ‘You love him,’ she said with certainty.
She got to her feet, leant down and gave Louisa a quick kiss on the cheek.
‘I think I believe in fairy tales now,’ she said, before walking back to the door and disappearing inside the orphanage.
Louisa remained where she was for a while. She found it peaceful up on this rooftop, away from everyone else.
She contemplated Gertie’s words and wondered if she did love Robert. She’d been so preoccupied by not getting too attached she hadn’t paid much attention to what she actually felt. All she did know was that the idea of leaving Robert, even if it was to strike out on her own, was now unbearable. She couldn’t begin to imagine waking up each morning and not seeing Robert’s face at the breakfast table. Or sitting reading a book if she wasn’t seated on her favourite sofa in Robert’s study with his comforting presence close by.
She felt her pulse quicken as she realised Gertie was right. She loved Robert Fleetwood. She loved him so much she would break every promise she’d made to herself about not relying on anyone else. For Robert she would learn to trust again. she’d learn to do anything.
‘I was told I’d find you up here.’ Robert’s voice came from the doorway.
Louisa looked around. Gertie must have sent him up to the rooftop, the little minx.
‘Come and sit.’ Louisa indicated a spot beside her. ‘The view is wonderful.’
Robert strode over to where she was perched and sat down beside her. He showed none of her earlier hesitation or fear. Louisa supposed that once you’d faced angry French troops in battle, everyday fears didn’t really bother you that much.
‘That is wonderful,’ Robert said, looking out over the rooftops.
Louisa regarded him from the corner of her eye. He was a handsome man, a man many women would swoon over. She felt her pulse quicken and she remembered Gertie’s words. Maybe Robert was her Prince Charming.
‘What are you thinking about?’ Robert asked, as he turned to find her studying his face.
Louisa swallowed, wondering if she was brave enough to put her feelings into words. The last thing she wanted was to spoil what they had already. She was so happ
y. These last few days had been the best of her life. She didn’t want to tell Robert that she loved him only for him to reject her and push her away.
She told herself to stop being a coward.
Louisa rocked ever so slightly towards Robert. She felt her arm brush up against his chest. This was what happened in fairy tales, she told herself. Everyone lives happily ever after once they’ve shared true love’s kiss.
Louisa felt her lips suddenly go dry and she nervously rubbed them together to moisten them. She’d kissed him before, but never had she been the one to initiate the kiss.
Slowly, Louisa reached up, placed a hand on the back of Robert’s neck and pulled him towards her. Just before their lips met Louisa hesitated. She could see the confusion in Robert’s eyes, but in an instant that was overpowered by a flash of desire and his lips were on hers.
She kissed him as if the world were ending. Frantically she pulled him closer to her, afraid every second he might pull away and chastise her for her lack of propriety.
‘Louisa,’ Robert groaned in between kisses, ‘you don’t know what you do to me.’
Spurred on by his reaction Louisa ran her hand down his chest, feeling the firmness of the muscles beneath the layers of clothes. She paused as she reached his taut abdomen, not bold enough to continue lower.
She loved him, she realised. All her doubts had now been banished. She loved this man.
Robert started to pepper kisses down her neck, starting just below her earlobe. Louisa shuddered with pleasure as a shiver ran through her entire body. She held her breath in anticipation as his mouth journeyed even lower. He kissed along the length of her left collarbone and into the hollow of her throat. Then his head dipped even lower.
Louisa’s body screamed with impatience as his mouth caressed the skin of her chest, moving so slowly towards the swell of her breasts.
Suddenly Robert froze. He lifted his head and looked at Louisa with an expression of horror.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered, sounding haunted. ‘I can’t believe what I’ve just done.’
He pushed himself away from her, looking as though he couldn’t quite believe what had just happened.
‘It’s all right,’ Louisa said, reaching out for his hand. She wanted to tell him it was what she desired. She wanted to be kissed by him, ravished by him, and she wanted it to happen every day for the rest of their lives.
‘No, Louisa,’ Robert said, ‘it’s not all right. It’s unforgivable. I’m your guardian. I’m in a position of trust. I should be looking out for your welfare, not doing...’ He trailed off and waved his hand to signify what they’d just been doing. ‘It can’t happen again.’
Louisa took a deep breath and steadied herself. She knew he was only saying it because he thought that was what was right. He didn’t know she loved him, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Once he knew that he’d understand. He’d realise kissing her wasn’t the wrong thing to do.
Only a few days ago she’d told him she was only staying with him for a short time. Of course he didn’t know she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
‘I came out here to tell you something, Louisa,’ Robert said seriously.
This didn’t sound good.
‘I’ve spoken to Mrs Knapwell and she’s agreed to help launch you. I know you’re a little late for the start of the Season, but it won’t matter too much.’
‘Launch me?’ Louisa asked.
‘Into society.’
‘So I can find a husband?’
Robert nodded. ‘Amongst other things.’
Louisa felt sick. She looked down and immediately regretted it. The ground seemed miles below and the world seemed to be tilting dangerously to one side.
He wanted to get her off his hands. She couldn’t believe she’d misjudged the situation so completely. He wasn’t in love with her, he wanted to get rid of her. Louisa scrambled to her feet, holding one hand against the slanted tiles for support.
She turned to face him, but found no words would come out. Instead she fled back to the stairway and down into the orphanage, wondering how she could have been so stupid.
Chapter Nineteen
Robert stared into his glass of whisky and swirled it around absent-mindedly. Every few minutes he saw the look of pure betrayal on Louisa’s face when he’d rejected her on the rooftop of the orphanage. For that was what it had been: a rejection. She’d kissed him with passion and intensity and he’d pushed her away. Then he’d told her she was going to have to marry someone else.
The last few days they’d barely spoken to each other. Louisa was withdrawn and had gone out of her way to avoid him. At first Robert had tried to explain, but over time he’d realised the damage was done. Maybe it was better this way.
When they’d kissed on the rooftop Robert had lost control of himself. He’d known it was a bad idea, downright irresponsible, but he hadn’t been able to stop. Just one last kiss, he’d told himself. The problem was that it was a kiss of love. Louisa had given herself to him with that kiss and he’d rejected her.
He tried to convince himself it was for the best. It wasn’t as though they could have any future together. Louisa shouldn’t have to settle for a man who was living in the past, unable to forget his demons. He didn’t deserve her. And after how he’d behaved, he very much doubted he deserved anyone at all.
There was a knock on the door and Robert set down his glass before calling, ‘Come in.’
Mrs Knapwell entered, followed by Mrs Crawshaw.
‘It is my pleasure to present Miss Louisa Turnhill,’ Mrs Knapwell said grandly.
Louisa entered the room, looking stunning. Robert frowned. The gentlemen of the ton would be all over her.
‘Doesn’t she look wonderful?’ Mrs Knapwell said with a full smile.
Robert nodded. She was dressed in pale green, a shade that complemented her colouring to perfection. Her hair was pulled back with a few curled strands delicately framing her face. Her neck was exposed and suddenly Robert had the urge to run his fingers over her soft skin until she shuddered with anticipation.
Louisa gave a cursory smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
‘We’re going to have such fun tonight,’ Mrs Knapwell said. ‘Everyone will be so thrilled to meet you.’
Robert frowned again. He wasn’t so keen on Louisa being thrust into the slavering jaws of society with only Mrs Knapwell and Mrs Crawshaw to keep her safe.
‘I’ve changed my mind,’ Robert said quickly. ‘I’ll accompany you.’
‘Oh, how wonderful,’ Mrs Knapwell said. ‘Isn’t that good news, Miss Turnhill?’
‘Don’t trouble yourself, Lord Fleetwood,’ Louisa said coolly. ‘I’m sure we’ll be fine without you.’
‘I insist,’ he growled. He wasn’t going to let Louisa be fawned over by unsuitable men. He’d be right there beside her making sure only the very best were allowed near.
‘You can’t come out looking like that,’ Louisa said sharply.
He supposed he deserved that. Glancing down at his crumpled shirt, Robert knew he didn’t look like a guardian should when proudly introducing his ward into society.
‘I can get changed.’
‘Then we’ll be late.’
‘It’ll take only five minutes.’
Louisa sighed. Robert rose to his feet and strode out of the room. He didn’t want to go to whatever ball it was they were attending, but Mrs Crawshaw was hardly a reliable chaperone and Mrs Knapwell couldn’t be expected to fend off all the disreputable men that would surely try to seduce Louisa. He would have to be there.
Just to watch over her, Robert assured himself, nothing more. At least he knew which of the young men of the ton had reputations for gambling or drinking. He would be able to guide Louisa away from
the most unsuitable. It was what a good guardian should do after all.
Robert changed quickly, hurrying his valet along and reemerging downstairs only a few minutes later. For a second he thought the women had gone ahead and left without him. He cursed silently until his footman motioned to the waiting carriage outside.
‘Miss Turnhill suggested they wait in the carriage, my lord. If I could be so bold as to recommend you move quickly—Miss Turnhill was mumbling something about giving you ten minutes, then leaving whether you were there or not.’
Robert strode out of the door and pulled himself up into the carriage. The three women were already seated. Louisa was sitting next to Mrs Crawshaw, refusing to meet his eye.
‘Swap with me, Mrs Crawshaw,’ Robert said in a tone that brooked no argument. ‘I feel sick travelling backwards.’
Louisa rolled her eyes.
‘I’d be happy to move, Lord Fleetwood,’ Louisa said sweetly. ‘I wouldn’t want you feeling unwell on my account.’
‘You stay where you are.’
Robert looked at Mrs Crawshaw with his steely gaze until she shuffled to the other side of the carriage and took her seat next to Mrs Knapwell.
Robert sat. It wasn’t a small carriage, but it wasn’t that large either. Normally when two people sat side by side their legs would brush up against one another. This evening it felt as though there was a gulf between him and Louisa. He peered at her. The silly girl was scrunched up into the corner as if she were trying to get as far away from him as possible.
Robert spread out, ignoring her irritated huff as his leg pressed against hers.
‘You really shouldn’t have bothered, Lord Fleetwood,’ Louisa said as the carriage moved off. ‘I’m sure I’m quite capable of having fun without you.’
‘That’s what I’m worried about,’ Robert murmured.
Louisa raised her eyebrows, but didn’t say any more.
‘It will be a great honour for you to dance the first dance with Miss Turnhill,’ Mrs Knapwell said. ‘Launch her properly into society.’