Blood is beating in my ears. I drag my eyes up to his. The normal hardened edges around them have softened. Something funny happens inside my stomach. I swallow down, trying to quash the sensation. “I get that you hate me, Nathan.” My voice comes out breathy. “But I just wish…”
“I don’t hate you,” he cuts in, looking astonished. Releasing his hold on me he steps back and I’m grateful for the space.
“So why do you act like you do?”
“I don’t, do I?” He changes tack when he sees my expression change to absolute surety.
“You act like I don’t exist.”
“No I don’t.”
“You ignore me.”
“That’s bullshit. I’m with you all the time.” He highlights the ‘all’. I don’t miss that.
“No, you’re not. The only time you see me is when you bring me blood, and that’s brief to say the least, and what you say hardly qualifies as talking. There was the night when Hope was born, that was okay, you were sort of nice to me then, but the next day it was back to the same old you pretending like I don’t exist.”
He drums his fingers irritably against his forehead. “Just what exactly do you want from me, Alex?” His question throws me. I really hate it when he does that.
But really, what do I want from him? I hadn’t even realised it bothered me that he didn’t like me. In many ways him hating me made it easier for me to hate myself. But now, for some reason, I’m finding myself wanting him to like me, wanting him to be nice to me. And it’s just another alien thought which won’t fit anywhere in this screwed-up head of mine.
“I ... er … ” I fumble around for words I’m not entirely sure of. “Well, I guess I’d just like you to be a bit nicer to me.”
“And what’s this?” He gestures around with an open hand.
I give him a confused look.
“This, me taking you out away from the farm, getting you out of the house. Isn’t that a nice thing to do?”
“Oh,” I say. When he puts it that way, I guess he does have a point. “Well, yeah, I suppose, but you haven’t really taken me anywhere, well not yet, but then I have no clue where we’re actually going. But anyway … ” I pause, collecting my thoughts, bringing myself back on track, “ … the point is it’d just be nice if you’d talk to me a bit more, be a bit nicer to me.” I fold my arms across my chest
He presses his lips together, inhales a deep breath in through his nose and breathes it out again. “Okay, I’ll make sure I talk you more if that’ll make you happy.”
I don’t actually know whether he’s been sarky or serious, so I opt to choose the latter as I’m getting pretty tired of arguing with him now.
“Well, okay. Thanks.” I unfurl my arms.
“Now will you get back in the car?”
I meet his brilliant eyes. “Sure,” I say through my dry mouth.
Once we’re both back in the car, Nathan shifts into first gear and sets off down the track again.
And now, after that battle, I really don’t want to talk. It kind of defeats the point of the argument but at the moment I’m past caring, so I stay silent for the remainder of the journey. Well, all five minutes of it.
We’re deep in the heart of the forest when Nathan slows the car to a stop at the point where the track narrows to a foot path.
“We’re here,” he says, turning the engine off and getting out of the car.
“Here where?” I ask opening my door and climbing out.
“The best part of the forest for hunting.”
“What?” I shut the car door a bit too hard.
Nathan sighs. “The best part of the forest for hunting.” He reiterates the words, single and distinct.
I ignore his sarcasm. “You brought me out here to go hunting?”
He nods.
“Hunting what?”
“Rabbits, deer, that kind of thing.”
I wrinkle my nose up. “You want me to kill Bambi and Thumper?”
“Yeah, if that’s how you want to put it,” he says around a smile.
“Oh I don’t know, Nathan, I don’t think so. I don’t want to hunt. I mean I wouldn’t know how to and I’ve never even held a gun in my life, let alone shot one.”
He lets out a sharp laugh. It instantly gets my back up. “Do you see any guns?” He gestures around with empty hands.
“Well how would I know if you’ve got one? You usually carry a concealed weapon somewhere on you, don’t you?” My tone is acerbic.
He gives me a look. “Alex, I brought you out here because I thought it might be an idea to teach you how to hunt and feed yourself just in case you ever find yourself needing to.”
What? It was bad enough when I thought he wanted me to kill them with guns, but this - no way.
“So let me get this straight.” I rub my nose. “You’ve brought me out to hunt and kill animals with my bare hands?”
A smile ghosts his face. He scratches his cheek. “Well teeth, but basically, yes.”
Oh God. This is his idea of going out? No wonder he hasn’t got a girlfriend.
“This is your idea of going out?” My voice comes out shrill.
Here was me thinking I was going to do something nice. Of course I know I can’t go out amongst people anymore, well for the time-being anyway, but I thought ... well I don’t know what I thought but it certainly wasn’t this.
“What did you think we were gonna be doing?” Nathan asks, his tone pedantic. “I brought you into the middle of the woods, for God’s sake.” He shakes his head in a patronising manner.
And I feel like a complete idiot.
“I don’t know.” I cast around for something to say. “I thought maybe we were going to have a picnic, or going hiking, or something … ” I trail off, my face flaming. “I want to go back to the house.” I say shortly.
“For fucks sake,” he grouches, “you complain I’m not nice to you. Well, this is me being nice.” He shoves his hands in his rear jeans pockets.
“This is your idea of nice?” My voice shoots up another octave.
“Yep.” He nods.
“Well, it’s not mine.” I fold my arms stubbornly across my chest.
“Well, it’s all I’ve got to offer you at the moment,” he sighs, resigned. “So take it or leave it but I’m going hunting. You can do as you please.”
He pulls his T-shirt off over his head.
“What are you doing?” I splutter, gesturing to his bare chest.
My eyes involuntarily take a quick tour of said chest. He’s all muscle. He’s taut and toned, and his skin is incredibly smooth. I notice he’s wearing army dog tags around his neck. My eyes are drawn to a tattoo on the left hand side of his ribcage. It looks like some kind of Arabic lettering. There’s quite a bit of it and it stops just shy of his waist.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” he says smartly, snapping me back to the now.
“It looks like you’re undressing in front of me.” My voice breaks, making me sound like a teenage boy right before puberty.
I’m trying to keep my eyes level with his, desperately trying not to look at his chest. It’s way harder than you’d think.
He runs his hand through his hair, down his neck and hangs his hand off his shoulder. “I’m going to shift.”
“What? Shape shift?”
He gives me a stupid look.
My annoyance and embarrassment quickly evaporates and now all I feel is curious. “Are you going to change into a wolf?”
He raises an eyebrow. “Well I was going to turn into a pigeon but I’m not so sure I’d be able to scare the deer into submission.” He smirks.
I get the sudden urge to wipe it off his face. “Hardy bloody ha,” I retort. I hate being mocked. I think he forgets this is all new and very alien to me.
“Look,” he says in a placating tone. “If I shift with my clothes on they’ll shred and I need them to go home in as I haven’t got any spares with me ... unless you want me to go back home naked.
” He raises his eyebrow again, this time in a suggestive manner and shrugs his shoulders, T-shirt still in his hand. “I’m easy either way.”
“Well I’m not,” I say hotly, my cheeks flaming. “Do what you have to.” I waft my hand. “I just don’t care to see any of your ... goods.”
Goods? Did I really just say that? Oh God.
He makes a sound almost approaching a laugh and throws his T-shirt onto the bonnet of the car. He reaches down and yanks his boots off revealing bare feet. Doesn’t he ever wear socks? He tosses his boots near the car and starts to unbutton his jeans.
I avert my eyes, shifting uncomfortably. “What should I do while you’re gone?” My voice has gone hoarse. I clear my clogged throat.
Nathan takes the car keys out of his pocket and throws them to me. I catch them easily. “Take the car back home. I’ll head that way on my hunt. Just do me a favour and leave my clothes and boots at the top of the track, will you?”
I’m finding it hard to focus. His jeans are undone and hanging off his slim hips. I can see his boxer shorts. Surprisingly for him, they’re Dolce and Gabbana. I imagined Nathan would be a Next kind of guy when it came to buying boxer shorts, not that I think about Nathan and his choice of underwear in any way at all but, anyway, whatever, they’re black and quite nice.
I’m starting to feel really warm.
I set my eyes on his face, avoiding any more of his nakedness. “I can’t drive,” I finally say.
“Seriously?”
“Why would I make it up?”
“I’ll teach you sometime if you want.”
“Sure.” I shrug.
He drops his jeans to the floor. My pulse races up. He steps out of them, bends down, picks them up and throws them on top of the car bonnet next to his T-shirt.
He’s standing here before me in just his tight black, designer boxer shorts and nothing more.
I can honestly say I’ve never been as uncomfortable in a man’s presence as I am in his right now. I’m not a prude, far from it, but this guy has no modesty whatsoever. And I’m pretty sure he’s aware of just how uncomfortable he’s making me feel. I’m just wondering why he’s enjoying torturing me like this.
My skin is prickling and a flush of heat is rising up my neck, threatening to heat my face again.
Pull yourself together, Alex, he’s only a man - a good-looking, sort of sexy man, if you like the unwashed, scruffy, muscular type - but he is a man nonetheless. And not a very nice man at that.
“Are you gonna take those off as well?” I point towards his boxer shorts.
“Yeah, I was gonna. Why?” A tiny smile creeps onto his face. He pulls his dog tags off over his head and tosses them onto his pile of clothes.
“Because, well, I need to know so I can turn around, or close my eyes or something, to give you some privacy.” Actually I could have turned away for the whole time he was undressing. I hope he doesn’t note that.
“Thanks for the courtesy.” His eyes smile almost sexily at me and that sets off a whole different kind of thought reaming through my mind.
Stop it, Alex. Stop it now.
I turn around and start to chew on my thumbnail and I hear the gentle thud of his boxer shorts as they land on top of his clothes.
Nathan is naked. Right now. Behind me, completely naked.
Oh God.
“You sure you don’t want to come with me?” he asks.
“No.”
“You’re gonna have to learn to feed yourself one day.”
“Yeah, well today’s not that day,” I say defiantly, folding my arms across my chest.
“I’ll be about an hour.” I can almost hear the shrug in his voice, followed by a movement behind me and the rustling of leaves.
Curiosity gets the better of me and I turn around, moving forward quickly, trying to catch a glimpse of him changing form, but all I see is what I think is a glimpse of brown fur moving at high speed.
With a sigh, I turn back, pick Nathan’s boots up off the floor and gather his clothes off the bonnet. I throw them all onto the driver’s seat, climb onto the passenger seat and lock myself in the car.
I might be stronger than I used to be but I’m still a girl and I need to feel safe, and currently I’m sitting in the middle of the woods all alone with Nathan off God knows where. I lean over, put the keys in the ignition, and turn the music on. The Killers CD has come to an end and the changer moves onto the Kings of Leon. I recline my seat back, rest my feet up on the dashboard and let the dulcet tones of Caleb Followill wash over me.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know I can hear a tapping on my window. I open my eyes to see Nathan’s bright green ones staring down at me. Sleep driven, I fumble to sit up and wind the window down.
“Can you pass me my clothes?” he asks impatiently.
I lean over, grab his clothes and hand them over, desperately trying to ignore the fact he’s still completely naked out there, not that I can see anything waist down anyway.
That actually sounded like disappointment in my head. Just when exactly did I turn into a sex fiend?
Nathan quickly pulls his clothes on and makes his way around to the driver’s side. He picks his boots up off the seat, jumps into the car and slips his feet into them.
He looks fresher. His cheeks are flushed and he seems, I don’t know, I guess I’d say lighter, not as tense as he normally does.
“Was your hunt okay? I ask as I put my seat back up to vertical.
“Yeah, it was good.” He turns the engine, shifts the car into reverse, and starts to manoeuvre it around. It takes him a good few attempts as the track is quite narrow.
“And you ... fed?” I ask tentatively.
He casts a glance my way. “Mmm.”
“But you don’t need to feed like I do.”
“No.”
“So why?”
“Natural thing for me to do. Are you warm?” he asks, changing the subject.
“I’m okay.”
“I’m hot. You mind if I put the air con on?”
“No.” I shake my head.
As he leans over to turn it on, his bare arm brushes against mine and I get that electric shock sensation again. This time I do jump away from him. I feel like I’ve just been scalded. My arm is sizzling where he touched it and my heart is thumping in my chest.
He gives me an inquisitive look. My face flushes. I turn away and stare out of the window, confusion plaguing me. Why do I get that sensation when he touches me? Maybe it’s something to do with me being a Vârcolac. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Nathan turns on the air con and I now welcome it. I feel him press down on the accelerator, picking up speed and I watch as the trees and bushes whizz by. When I start to feel calmer and cooler, thanks to the air con, I say to him, “Your tattoo’s nice.”
He glances at me intermittently. “You noticed that, huh?”
“Hard not to,” I reply, raising an eyebrow. He laughs. I smile back. “What does the lettering mean?” I ask.
He takes a deep breath, pressing his lips together into a tight line, and I wonder if I’m asking too many questions again. “It’s the names of the people I saved in Iraq,” he says in a low voice.
“It’s in Arabic?” I inquire.
He gives me a long curious look. “Yeah, you speak Arabic?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I just recognised it. My ex, he had some tattoos. He liked script. Guess I don’t need to ask why you went for Arabic?” I add, looking to move the subject away from Eddie.
He chuckles to himself. “Actually that had nothing to do with it.” He slides me a look. “I got it ‘cause it looked the nicest.” His face breaks out into a grin and I find myself laughing.
“Wasn’t one of them your friend?”
“Yeah, Craig. His name’s first on the list. He’s the reason I have the tattoo. He got me drunk, talked me into it. It sounded like a good idea at the time.” He grins again.
“Well I bet you’re
his best friend nowadays. I know if someone saved my life I’d … ” I stop abruptly, never finishing the sentence which has just sucked all the air right of the car.
I stare back out of the window and Nathan says nothing.
Then it hits me. I’ve laughed and smiled with Nathan and I haven’t felt guilty once. For some reason, being with him keeps it at bay.
I sly a glance at him. He’s staring straight ahead. His jaw is set, his whole body tense. He’s feeling uncomfortable because of what I've just said. Emotion ripples through me for him.
And right now I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not.
Chapter 13
Over and Over
You know the old saying 'You get what wish for', well I’m getting it, and more.
I asked Nathan to talk to me more. I asked him to be nicer to me, to act like I exist and, true to his word, he’s followed through. But somehow in all of this, we’ve also ended up spending more time together, quite a lot in fact. I think I’ve seen more of Nathan in this last week than I did in the first four weeks of my being here.
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Well it’s not because I’ve discovered I do actually like being around him. He makes me laugh without the guilt. He makes me forget all the bad stuff. When I’m with him, I forget what I now am. Oh God, I’m starting to sound like a slushy Mills and Boon. Okay, basically the problem is … I like him. More than I should.
I didn’t even realise it was happening until it was too late and now I can’t seem to switch it off. I’ve tried, believe me, and the worst thing about it is that this is my own doing. I’ve got no one to blame but myself.
All I want right now is for him to turn back into the bastard he was before so I can stop feeling this way.
My emotions are all over the place. My head is a complete and utter mess, worse than it was before.
All Nathan has to do is look at me and my insides fall to pieces. So much so that I have to remind myself just to breathe most days.
I wish there was some way I could turn these feelings off, turn the part of me off that’s turned onto him.
I realised four days ago.
I was in the kitchen with Nathan. I was sitting at the table reading a magazine, just like I’m doing now, but instead of watching Jack cook, I was watching Nathan. He was frying bacon. The kitchen stank but in a really good, unhealthy greasy way that only bacon can do. He was talking about the new Arctic Monkeys’ album. I was half-listening while reading the magazine. It was one of those Sunday newspaper supplement magazines and there was a piece on relationships, you know the ‘How to Keep Your Man Happy in Ten Easy Steps’, and my mind flickered. I started to think about how I’m never going to have that problem, how I’m never going to be in a relationship again. I felt sad. Then I thought about Eddie. And as those thoughts filtered through my mind, Nathan turned toward me. He knew I hadn’t been listening to him, I could tell from the look on his face. He smiled and his green eyes sparkled under the lighting. He was still speaking but I couldn’t hear him anymore. My world tilted on its side, then realigned, but everything was different. It was a like a light switch went on inside of me, and I had no way of turning it off.
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