by Evie Snow
Rochelle laughed. “Honey, once he sees the horror show on your front lawn, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about your makeup scaring him off.”
The dread that had been threatening to overwhelm Brea for the past hour turned into a tsunami. “The gnomes!” Her front and back yards were covered in them. They’d been a part of an elaborate joke played on their mom for her sixtieth birthday party. It had been Brea’s brother’s idea. But they were supposed to be gone now, returned back to wherever Markus had gotten them. “Oh. My. God! He’s going to think I’m a total creep! What sane woman has a garden full of gnomes?!” She threw her hands in the air. “This is it, Rochelle, this is what I was talking about. Here I was worried that something would go wrong, and it’s already gone wrong!”
Rochelle let out a peal of laughter. “Wait. Are you telling me that you didn’t warn this guy that he was coming to a house surrounded by garden gnomes? Because that’s something you should have mentioned.”
“I thought they’d be gone by now!” Brea walked to the window, looked out at the hoard of ceramic men, women, and monsters on her lawn, and then let the curtain drop with a groan. “Markus was supposed to come by and collect them yesterday.”
“Just tell him you’re trying to recreate a scene from a horror movie. With gnomes.” Rochelle waddled over to the window, peering around the curtain. “They do look a little scary. Kind of like they’re going to start invading this house at any minute.”
“I’ve got to warn him!”
“No time. He’ll be here in ten minutes and we’ve still got to do your makeup. Besides what would be weirder from his perspective: being told ‘hey, when you come to my house it might appear like I’ve got a massive gnome fetish, but I don’t,’ or just arriving and seeing them? Any man who is scared off by some garden gnomes is definitely not worth your time.”
Brea flopped back on her bed, covering her face with her hands. “This is going to be the worst date ever!”
“No, it’s not. The worst one ever was when you got your period in those white jeans. I told you not to wear them. Anyway, get your ass off that bed and let me do your makeup. We’re running out of time.”
Brea moved her hands. Rochelle was standing in front of her, hands on hips, with the expression of a woman about to launch a military campaign. She sighed. “Okay, but don’t go too heavy with the eyeliner.”
Rochelle raised a perfectly plucked brow. “You’re telling the owner of the town’s most popular beauty salon how to do makeup now? Talk about awkward.”
Brea’s response was to throw a pillow, but it didn’t make her feel much better. All she could think of was how much she liked Derek and how wrong this date was going to go.
3
You are going the wrong way, turn around.
“True. Completely and utterly true,” Derek said to his phone as he stopped his car on the side of a pretty street lined with colorfully painted Arts and Crafts bungalows and the older, picturesque Victorians that had made Sanctuary famous.
Although the town fell within his SPCA beat, he was rarely called out to animal cruelty cases here. Sanctuary was one of the last few affordable beach towns on this stretch of the California coastline and was filled to the brim with old hippies, hipsters, war veterans seeking a new beginning and people who wanted to try out an alternative lifestyle. And tourists. Lots of tourists.
The only time Derek had been called to a house in the town itself was when an elderly tarot reader had been reported for mistreating her two budgerigars. It had become readily apparent that she hadn’t been trying to be cruel, she just hadn’t realized that birds shouldn’t be spherical.
Turn around.
Derek made a U-turn, fighting the urge to put his foot on the accelerator and head for home. He knew he was sweating and prayed it wouldn’t show through his black T-shirt.
Turn left.
He hadn’t heard a thing from Brea since he’d sent the picture an hour and a half ago, and during the entire drive to Sanctuary, he’d been imagining what would happen if this whole thing was some elaborate catfishing scam. What if the woman he’d fallen for via messenger wasn’t really interested in him, or worse, not real at all. What if—
You have reached your destination.
Derek parked next to the curb and braced himself before looking around. Brea’s house was number five, which turned out to be a neat, white bungalow with pale-blue trim. It had a nice porch with a swing on it. So far, so good. There was even a white picket fence. A woman who lived in a house like that surely wouldn’t be the sort to play a mean practical joke.
Okay, this was normal. This was cool. He could do this. He was a grown, confident man who’d sent a picture of his wiener to a grown, attractive woman when she’d asked him to. He and that woman were going out tonight, they were going to have a good time, and maybe she’d even want to see him naked in real life, which would be amazing because he knew what to do then. At least he was pretty sure he did. He might be relatively inexperienced, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t researched the hell out of how to please a woman. If he were given an exam, he’d ace it. Well, if it were written. Maybe the practical portion could use a little work, but he’d always been good with his hands.
The pep talk worked enough that Derek braved climbing from his car, which enabled him to see over the fence. That was when he saw them.
Garden gnomes, hundreds of them. A plague of them all over Brea’s lawn like zombies circling a house in The Walking Dead. They came in all colors, shapes and sizes, wearing all kinds of outfits, from traditional leprechaun-like ones to superhero costumes. And they were arranged like they were forming an army ready to rampage through the neighborhood at any minute. None of them were holding knives, but it wasn’t a stretch to picture it. Not to mention that Derek was pretty sure he saw one with a whip in its hand. Sure, it was a Cat Woman gnome, but then again, who the heck made Cat Woman garden gnomes? Who bought a Cat Woman garden gnome? And then he spotted the trio of actual zombie gnomes hanging out under a palm tree, their eyes whited out and their faces all covered in blood.
Nothing in Brea’s dating profile or in the messages they’d shared the past month had indicated a gnome fetish, but now all Derek could think of was that a woman who had two pictures of his wiener also had a thing for gnomes.
Sanctuary was known for its eccentric population, but this . . . this made him feel like he’d landed on another planet. Literally. There were even a bunch of Star Trek gnomes that included a tiny Kirk, a tiny Spock, and a gnome wearing a red shirt with a bullet hole painted over his heart.
Derek hoped someone in a nearby house wasn’t filming his reaction.
A bicycle bell startled him and he jumped, looking to his left to see a group of four elementary-age kids cycling down the path.
“Hey, can you tell me if that’s Brea Marquez’s place?” he asked, hoping they’d tell him he’d gotten it wrong.
“The candy store lady?” said a snub-nosed girl who looked like she was going to be a candidate for America’s Next Soccer Mom.
“Maybe. Is her name Brea?”
“Yeah. She’s Michael’s aunt. He lives two streets over,” one of the other kids answered—a boy wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt five sizes too big.
“Michael. Right. Thanks.” Derek waved the kids off and took in the garden gnome situation again. He could do this. He was a man who’d faced down rabid dogs, pissed-off rattlesnakes and even a sex-crazed, highly aggressive male rabbit.
He retrieved the box of chocolates and bouquet of flowers from the passenger seat of his Jeep and walked across the road.
As he opened the garden gate he made the mistake of looking directly at the nearest gnome, which had been fashioned to look like Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story.
Buzz looked belligerent.
4
“Rochelle! Get away from the window,” Brea whisper-growled at her sister, who had bolted to the window again the minute they’d heard a car pull up in front of the house.
&nb
sp; Rochelle completely ignored her, peering around the curtains, impersonating the nosy old lady who helped solve the crime in every detective show ever. “Ohh, he’s fine. Tall. He definitely works out, and his posture is amazing. If you hadn’t told me already that he works for the SPCA, I’d guess he was a cop. A man like that could save my puppies anytime.”
“Posture? Who talks about posture?! Get your butt away from that window right now! He’ll see you!” Brea ran over and grabbed her sister’s hand, but Rochelle wasn’t budging.
“He’s walking through the gate . . . and he’s brought you chocolates and flowers. He’s walking down the path. Okay, now you might be in trouble.”
“What? What’s happening?” Brea wanted to look but was feeling a little ill at the thought of seeing Derek for the first time in real life.
“He’s staring at the gnomes like you’ve got an infestation.”
“What?” Brea tried to pull her sister away again while simultaneously trying to look over her shoulder, but Rochelle was enjoying this way too much and wasn’t letting her get a peek, using her pregnant belly to block Brea’s way. “Oh no.”
Rochelle looked over her shoulder, her grin showing how funny she was finding this, before she went back to peeking around the curtain. “Maybe you should’ve told him about the gnomes. He’s looking seriously freaked out. Who would have ever thought a big tough guy like that would look scared by a couple of garden gnomes? Or a hundred garden gnomes. Maybe a thousand. Come to think of it, our little brother might have an addiction that we need to address. Is there a Gnomes Anonymous? I wonder what a twelve-step program for a gnome addiction would look like?”
“Get away from there now and give me my phone back!” Brea tackle-hugged her sister, snatching her phone from Rochelle’s back pocket then stepping away before she got slapped. She wagged a finger under Rochelle’s nose trying to look as fierce as she could despite the anxiety roller-coastering through her system. Why did this stuff always have to go so weird? Why? “I love you, but you can let yourself out after we’re gone. And no making faces through the window or anything.”
Not giving Rochelle a chance to reply, Brea darted for the front door. As soon as she opened it, she plastered herself against the front of the house, buying herself some time to regain her composure as she took her first glimpse of the man she’d been fantasizing about for the past four weeks.
Rochelle was right, he was fine. In fact, it was exactly as Brea had feared—he was a little too attractive. In her experience, men who looked like this one didn’t go for women like her. They went for prettier, skinnier women who’d probably never eaten a bite of candy in their lives, as opposed to one who spent every day working in a store surrounded by every type of candy ever made.
No, she wasn’t going to think like that. She’d turned over a new leaf. She was going to be kinder to herself and put herself out there. She was going on a date with Derek, and okay, he might currently be looking at a garden gnome like it had rabies, but she knew he was nice and that he found her attractive, which meant this date had a chance.
She quickly smoothed down her dress, blew out a breath and uttered a silent prayer that this wasn’t the beginning to the most awkward evening of her life.
“Derek?”
* * *
Derek snapped to attention at the sound of a melodic female voice and realized that he’d spent the past thirty seconds eyeballing a ceramic leprechaun instead of manning up, walking to Brea’s front door and pressing her doorbell.
He looked up, a jolt zinging to the pit of his stomach upon seeing that Brea was prettier than her picture. Way prettier.
“Brea?”
“Hi.” She was wearing bright-pink lipstick and gold-framed glasses. She hadn’t worn glasses in her dating profile. They made her appear smart and approachable, like someone who was kind and understanding.
“Hi.” His hands began to sweat. “Uh, here.” He bridged the gap between them and held out the bouquet of roses and the box of chocolates, worrying now that the gesture was too old-fashioned and corny.
“Thank you.” She took them, pressing her lips together as she darted her eyes away. “This is so embarrassing. I’m really sorry about . . . I know it must have come as a shock.”
Derek’s face got even hotter than before. He hadn’t expected her to be so up front about the pictures. “I admit it was something of a surprise.”
She winced. “I know. And super strange, right? You probably think I’m a little weird? I should have given you some warning.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I guess it unsettled me a little. Like I’ve told you, I’m not really that experienced with this dating thing. I hope I didn’t embarrass myself too much. Did I give you what you wanted?”
“Embarrass yourself?” Her eyes widened. “Oh no, you didn’t embarrass yourself at all! You’ve given me more than enough.” The way she said the words as she held the box of chocolates to her chest, her voice a little breathless, gave Derek a huge ego boost. The anxiety in his gut loosened enough for him to smile.
“Yeah? Well that’s great to hear.” He cleared his throat. “Is this a normal thing for you? Like I told you, I’m not all that experienced in the dating scene, but—”
“Oh no!” Brea said quickly. “No, it’s . . . it’s a special occasion thing. More of an impulse thing, actually,” she said, looking around at her gnome-bedecked lawn as if she were struck by shyness. “I’m so grateful you weren’t scared off. It must have been a little confrontational.”
Derek felt like he was falling hard all over again. “I almost was. But now I’m thinking it might be worth it,” he said, feeling his confidence building by the minute. She was a normal person—besides the gnomes—and she wasn’t acting weird about the pictures, which meant she must have liked them. It seemed like she’d liked them a lot. “Should we go?” he prompted. “I’m happy to drive us, but it’s so nice today that I’m wondering if you don’t want to walk. It’s only two blocks to the beach, isn’t it?”
“Yes! Yes, that’s fine.” She gave him a shy smile. “Why don’t you let me put these inside and I’ll be right with you. If you’re happy to help me carry some things, I’ve made up some brownies and have packed a blanket for us to sit on while we watch the movie.”
Brownies? Derek was definitely head over heels. “That sounds great.”
She hurried back through her front door, giving a newly relaxed Derek a nice view of her behind before she returned, a little flustered but smiling in such a sweet way that all the worries he had about the day were gone.
“Here, give me that.” He held out a hand for the small backpack she was holding.
“Thanks.”
“After you.” He enjoyed the way she seemed surprised by his good manners as he ushered her to the gate ahead of him. I guess I’m better at taking pictures than I thought.
As he closed the gate, he caught sight of a Fonz gnome from the show Happy Days. It was giving him the thumbs up.
5
It was a ten-minute walk to Main Street and Ginger’s Diner, and Derek lost almost all of his anxiety as Brea chattered about a novel she was currently reading. He marvelled at the fact that he was on a date with a woman like this, and that she was so attracted to him that she’d wanted to see a picture of him naked.
In the pictures she’d posted on the dating site she’d looked cute, but in real life she was sexy. It wasn’t an in-your-face sexy, it was the kind of sexy a man could imagine waking up to every morning. Brea’s shy little way of smiling really turned him on, especially when she was sounding so smart. He liked her voice. The best description he could come up with was sweet. Everything about her was sweet, and she smelled great, like candy. As if reading his mind, she stopped in front of a candy store that took up the ground level of a lemon-yellow Victorian on Main Street. The entire window was full of big, old-fashioned mason jars full of rainbow confectionary.
She grinned at him. “Here, this is my store.”<
br />
Derek read the name over the door: Sweet on You. “You work here?”
“I own it,” she said, glowing with unmistakeable pride. “I didn’t tell you when we were messaging each other because . . . I don’t know. I guess I was worried you would judge me.”
Derek blinked. “Why?”
“There’s only one candy store in Sanctuary, and I didn’t know . . .”
“You were being safe,” he finished when she faltered, obviously worried about hurting his feelings. “That’s smart.” He peered through the window, which was decorated in gold curlicues. “I’m dating a woman who actually works in a candy store! How do you stop yourself from eating candy all day?”
“I don’t! Or at least, I’ve got no willpower. Look at me!” She did a cute little wiggle and Derek looked her up and down.
“I’m looking, and I like what I see.”
“Really?” She nibbled on her lower lip, which made him want to kiss her. And he didn’t feel nervous about that at all.
“Yeah.” He leaned forward, testing the waters, feeling like an astronaut about to step onto the moon. She leaned forward too. So far, so good. Anticipation was a real thing as their lips briefly met. Derek pulled back before he pushed his luck too much, ignoring the laughter of a couple of kids skirting around them on the sidewalk. “Thanks for coming out on a date with me, Brea,” he said huskily, liking the way she blinked as if a little disoriented.
“Thank you.” She drew a deep breath, and he took a moment to appreciate what it did to her chest in that dress. “Um, should we eat?”
“That sounds great!” He looked around. Sanctuary’s Main Street faced the cliff that led down to its famous beach, where the movie was going to be shown. The sky was already showing the faint shades of pink that heralded the coming sunset. As he looked over the sea, a ray of sunlight hit the water. He knew it was just a natural phenomenon, but he decided to take it as a sign anyway. This felt right.