by Auriane Bell
“Was he able to do something?”
“Mhm. Vivian was the prince of Mondstein castle after all. Even though I had guessed that he was important I hadn’t known that he was royalty. He commanded some servants to give my mother a burial and although he was forbidden to place her grave on sacred grounds I was eternally grateful for what he was able to accomplish. In the absence of a priest he even spoke a prayer, claiming that a prince’s words would certainly be heard by the Lord and stayed with me until nightfall. Then he forced me to get up and took me with him to the castle.”
“How old were you back then?”
“Hmm. Perhaps nine or ten years old. I’m not certain.”
“And what happened at the castle?”
“I was a child from the streets. Hygiene had never been on the top of my list of priorities to survive and of course there had been no opportunities for me to learn how to read or write. When I hadn’t been begging for food I had always done my best to seem unremarkable which had proved to be impossible because of my hair. It had always drawn everyone’s eyes to me and sometimes people had made the sign to ward off evil – mostly when they thought I wasn’t looking. In short: I was of no apparent use and unpleasant to look at and therefore not welcome at Mondstein castle. Nevertheless Vivian fought for me. He received quite a few beatings by his father for disobeying his orders whenever I was discovered in his room by the servants. Luckily, stubborn Vivian emerged victorious and I was allowed to stay and serve him. Even after that he continued to do his best to raise my status. He lent me his clothes, shared his food and demanded that his servant stayed with him when he received his lessons. I don’t remember much of those times, only that I liked being clean and well fed.”
“So your life was finally getting better?”
“Hmm. For a while life was good. Then the servants started to talk. The lower ones, who had worked with my mother, recognised me as her son – again due to the cursed colour of my hair. Soon the servants that were close to the royal family started claiming that I was the king’s bastard. When Vivian had convinced his father to let me stay, the king had neither known about my origins nor had he cared to meet me in person. Once the queen learnt who I was and that her husband had allowed me to remain at the castle she must have been under the false impression that he would acknowledge me. She was furious and demanded my immediate dismissal. Jealousy had caused the servants to gossip and jealousy made the queen insist on my removal.
Again it was Vivian who was there for me. Instead of condemning the situation he confided to me how delighted he was that I was not only his friend but also his brother. Due to his begging and pleading it was decided that I should be given to the clergy instead of being thrown back into the streets.”
“The clergy? Were you alright with that decision?”
“I had never planned to become a monk and I hadn’t been brought up to be a god-fearing person. My mother had taught me some prayers but I think she had given up on God like he had given up on her.”
Mairin gasped.
“Don’t be shocked about this little ‘blasphemy’. We were happy just to survive day by day and if we had thought ahead further than that, I doubt we would have.
But back to your question: I was glad that Vivian could do that much for me. Nearly everything was better than going back to my old life – this time it would have been even more difficult without my mother.
The local monastery accepted me under the condition that I shaved my head. I guess my hair colour made them feel uneasy. I accepted even though it was hard for me to part with my hair. On the one hand I didn’t mind their request because it hadn’t brought me any luck but on the other hand it was something my late mother had passed on to me and I had decided to show with pride. Well… it had to go.”
Mairin stifled a yawn to avoid being impolite by giving Adrijan the impression, that she was bored.
“Do you mind if I open a window?” she wanted to get up but Adrijan held her back.
“Stay. I’ll open it. Is this one alright?”
Mairin nodded and soon she was able to breathe in the cold but refreshing night air.
“I’m sorry for interrupting you. Please continue.”
“I can continue another time… or not at all if you like,” Adrijan suggested.
“No, no – I didn’t mean that. But would it be alright if you faced me while talking?”
“Mh.” Adrijan sat down again on the bed, following her wish.
“Where did I leave off? Ah, the monastery...
Once more my way of life changed. It wasn’t as hard as it was to survive with my mother living in the streets but idleness wasn’t tolerated. My days were strictly structured and filled with various – partially tedious – tasks. I got up before the sun and yet prayed long after it had vanished behind the mountains. My brethren hardly talked to me but I was put up with nonetheless. I hadn’t known what a friend was before Vivian and when he was gone I returned to my former introverted self. Years went by spent with study, physical labour and prayer. I mostly remember it as a very quiet and monotonous way of existing.”
“What happened then?”
For a short moment Mairin thought to be able to discover a sad smile on Adrijan’s face but before she knew it, it was gone.
“A girl was brought to us. She must have been about the same age I was back then. Women rarely came near the monastery so her appearance was unusual in every way. It was like temptation had found its way into our home.”
“Why was she brought to you?”
“She was under suspicion of having committed heresy, a crime so severe that it deserved the harshest condemnation in the eyes of the church and required befitting punishment. Servants of Mondstein castle – colleagues – had reported her wrongdoings. She had allegedly promised her soul to the devil in exchange for riddance of the child she was bearing. Can you guess whose child it was?”
Mairin subtly nodded.
“The girl was greatly distressed. She had been robbed of all her belongings – as few as there were – and she was about to be locked away until her trial. At first her actions where driven by fear and she didn’t resist but when she realised that she was going to be imprisoned she tried to break free. Of course her efforts were in vain.
I was used to observing rather than participating and so instead of taking action I watched as they led her away.”
“And then?”
“Well... at first everyone behaved almost civil. As you can surely imagine or even might have found out at Sunflower Garden, imprisonment isn’t a pleasant way of living. Unlike yours though, her cell was cold and shabby and lacking even the smallest amount of comfort.
Through my brothers’ benevolence she was given two meals a day – some of which I was instructed to deliver to her. I wasn’t allowed to stay with her for long but in the time I was given, I inquired after her well-being and tried to encourage her.
Due to this I had found out what had happened to her by the time a messenger came to tell us that the appointed inquisitor was delayed and he himself had been assigned to overlook all proceedings until his arrival.”
Adrijan lowered his gaze and Mairin took it as a sign that something upsetting was going to follow.
“He was a monster. His first order was to take away her clothes, pointing out that all of her possessions had to be taken away. I didn’t witness it but when I delivered one of her meals she had already been undressed and was cowering on her improvised bed.
She looked so fragile and in the need of protection that I went straight to the abbot and after trying to reason with him, I ended up begging that she would at least be given something to wear. When he refused I attempted to gain support from my brethren, but even though the request was reasonable, I was a nobody and therefore nobody listened to what I had to say. The next time I went to see the girl I smuggled a blanket into her cell. I was relieved to see that she seemed to find strength in knowing that she had an ally.”
Adr
ijan pursed his lips. Then he sighed before continuing.
“Little did I know that I would only make things worse by trying to help her. When they found the blanket and she refused to tell them where it had come from, it was assumed that it had been summoned by the use of sorcery. It was ridiculous.”
“Didn’t you speak up?”
“Unfortunately I did.”
“Unfortunately?”
“Trying to save face they accused her of casting a spell on me. I was locked away into my cell ‘for my own safety’ and I can only guess what happened then.”
Mairin observed Adrijan’s hands. He had unknowingly started to tug at the sheets of the blanket.
“Later I… They came to get me. I don’t know how much time had passed. It must have been more than a day. There were three of them and they were joking and laughing while pushing me forward. The mood felt… wrong. It wasn’t the time to be cheerful, yet they were and the stench of alcohol that lingered in the air even overshadowed their strong body odour. I had been given some water but no food during my confinement and I lacked the energy to struggle. Fighting my dizziness I stumbled onward like a pile of leaves that was swept away by a broom.
They took me to her and although I had thought her fragile and in the need of protection before, her state at the time was far worse and no less than heart-wrenching.”
He paused, let go of the blanket as if he had just noticed his doing and clasped his hands.
“Forgive me if I don’t go into detail of what I saw. I believe it suffices to say that it was obvious that she had been violated. And after all what those filthy scumbags had done to her they dared to invite me to do the same.”
Without noticing Mairin had clenched her teeth. She felt that there was no room for a happy end and yet she clung to the faint hope that she was wrong.
“I lost it and attacked them, flailing around in a frenzy but of course it was all over within a few moments and I’m certain it would have also been that way, if I hadn’t been in a weakened state. In the end I hadn’t been able to do anything for her.”
“You tried and didn’t give in to them.”
“Yet I condemn my weakness. I… felt relief when I finally lost consciousness.”
Even wrapped into scarf and blanket Mairin shivered. She was lost for words.
“When I came to, everything seemed like a bad dream. The inquisitor had arrived and with him order and oblivion. I was neither allowed to see the girl nor the man who would judge her and my attempts to save her and the child – if she was still bearing it at that time – failed bitterly. Well… perhaps her sentence was the only salvation that was left for her.”
It was easy enough to understand the bitterness that accompanied his words.
“The day I set eyes on her again was the day she was burned at the stake. She stood there, with her hands and feet tied. The clothes they had given her for the special occasion were torn and her face was showing an eerily solemn expression. Their intention to burn her seemed so absurd. How could one possible be murdered twice?”
Adrijan ran his hand through his hair brushing back some strands that had sneakily slipped into his face.
“The whole procedure had been turned into a spectacle and attracted attention. People who hadn’t come to satisfy their curiosity were driven by the monstrous fascination with the execution or attended out of fear. After all, one might assume that a person who didn’t show support of the judgement of an inquisitor was against it. Even king and queen were present.
My dear brethren forced me to watch the spectacle from close up – close enough, to hear the girl’s last words. ‘To hell with you,’ she said, excluding nobody. ‘To hell with the king too,’ she added, glaring at him. Silent whispers spread her words throughout the crowd and caused confusion and fear but Vivian’s father simply burst out laughing.
After calming down, he ordered the pyre to be lit as if he were talking about one of the many fireplaces of Mondstein castle. The girl didn’t even flinch upon hearing his order. Neither did she scream or cry. There was no begging for mercy, no panic in her eyes and her unfathomable behaviour let everyone near enough to witness it only feel more justified in their doing. The ‘sorceress’ had to die.
My brethren pulled me back but I was still close enough to feel the heat and… “
Adrijan fell silent and directed his gaze at the floor.
“The stench… it’s not something one can easily forget.”
Before she could be held back again Mairin put aside the pillows that were in her way, slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the window. She had believed her own past to be dire but Adrijan’s simply dwarfed hers. It was difficult not to feel ashamed and she was glad that she didn’t have to face him for a moment while she was closing the window.
“I’m sorry. Was that too much?”
Even though it was she who had all reason to be worried about him, it was he who asked.
Mairin shook her head and turned around.
“No. I’m grateful that you’ve decided to share your past with me, yet at the same time I feel bad for making you do it. So far it has been... quite dreadful.” Mairin had whispered the last two words.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m an old man and as such, life has given me more than only dreadful memories. I have to admit though, that for a while it didn’t get much better than what you have already heard.”
Adrijan seemed unnaturally calm and from what he had told her before, Mairin suspected, that telling her about his past had affected him more than he wanted her to know. Slowly she went back to bed and slipped under the blanket.
“Did you return to the monastery after that incident?”
“Mhm... and I withdrew from my brethren even more than before. The general mood was quite peculiar and similar to the time the inquisitor arrived. Oblivion reigned and everybody tried to fool themselves into thinking that nothing had happened. In fact it was quite the opposite though. Something had happened, something evil and horrifying and at the same time something so fascinating it had manifested itself in the brains of the people. Soon the girl’s case turned out to be just the beginning.”
“More servants from the castle?”
“Hmm. I’m certain some of the victims were from Mondstein castle but in the end nobody was safe from the hunt. If you were in someone else’s way it was very likely that that person would find a reason to get rid of you. To be accused of being in league with the devil or something along those lines, it was enough to be different in the slightest way or to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. All they needed before carrying out their sentence was a confession which was simply gained by psychological terror and other kinds of torture. So once you had been arrested your chance to survive was close to non-existent.”
Mairin had learned about the persecution of witches and the cruel procedures it had involved but of course she hadn’t experienced it first-hand.
“For years I only watched, never allowing myself to take sides like I had done in the beginning. I was a coward who had lost his will to fight, fearing that it was a battle that couldn’t be won. I don’t even remember how many of them I watched being consumed by the flames. Some of the accused didn’t even make it that far and died from torture.
To spare myself the pain I refused to get in contact with any of the victims. I did nothing to help them.
At some point my guilty conscience denied me my appetite and the ability to sleep and feeling that I was wasting away and there was no point in protecting myself any longer, I decided to act. Driven by pangs of remorse I was so desperate to save some of the sad creatures that dwelled in the cells of the monastery, that one night I helped four of them to escape.”
“Did they make it?”
“Hmmm. Good question.”
Adrijan’s reply made her frown.
He had never had the chance to find out if they had been successful and it reminded him that he wasn’t particularly proud of his attempt to disregard his own
safety for the benefit of their escape. It had seemed heroic to him back then and the only way to atone for his long-lasting negligence but in the end it had just taught him, that even though he had felt sorry for the victims, he hadn’t really understood their suffering. If he had, he would have desperately looked for a way to save his own skin as well. Reminiscing, he almost forgot that he had a listener, who was waiting for him to continue.
“I was caught,” he explained. “Not red-handed but eventually they were able to trace the disappearance of the accused back to me.”
“A pity they didn’t put the blame on the devil this time,” Mairin noted.
A grim smile stole across Adrijan’s face.
“Indeed. After all, the attempt to free the alleged sorcerers eventually forced me to join their ranks. At first I found myself once again locked into my cell and being the fool I was I thought they might leave it at that. Unfortunately they had remembered the business with the blanket and decided not to let me off the hook that easily. Knowing that a confession would only pave the way for the stake, I denied their accusation to be in league with the devil and mentally prepared for torture.”
Mairin was listening closely and he realised that even though it hadn’t been easy to share this much with her, it would be yet more difficult to continue.
“Hm. Why did you choose torture?” she asked. “Haven’t you just told me, that there was no way out?”
Sadly the girl had hit the nail on the head. Hadn’t it been exactly those thoughts that had come to his mind after being caught?
“It’s true, but I guess it lies in our nature to try to postpone the inevitable. As you can see I’m still alive and concerning my own survival it was the right choice.”
Maybe Vivian had preferred if he had taken the short way out.
“So how did you do it?”
Even though he was tempted to skip the next part of his memory, he decided against it.
“I wasn’t able to escape. At least I’m not certain you could call it ‘escape’. But we’ll get to that eventually.”