I felt nauseous, the bile rising in my throat. It wasn’t fair. If I couldn’t have him, I wanted no-one else to either.
The hardest part was that I was aware, completely aware that I had no right to feel this way. He’d tried; several times he had tried. But I had simply brushed him away, too proud to return his feelings; although, deep inside my heart, I had desperately wanted to.
Just then, I spotted a familiar figure heading towards me.
Looking in his direction, confused thoughts raced through my mind.
As he approached and our eyes connected, I watched the warm smile appear on his face.
“Hi, Julia!” his smooth voice caught the attention of all the girls around me, who abruptly stopped their conversation to stare at him, the interest and curiosity clearly evident in their expressions.
Stunned and totally confused, I replied.
“Hello, Ky.”
The words seemed to form of their own accord and I followed his gaze as he sat down beside me.
Julia Jones
The Teenage Years
Book 3 – True Love
Emotions…
I watched in silent envy as he ran his hands gently through her long wavy hair. Her eyes were on his and her animated expression as she took in every word that he spoke, painted a clear picture of her feelings towards him. She was unable to look away, hypnotized by his presence at her side and when she tilted her head in genuine amusement at a funny anecdote he’d shared, her beautiful features caught the light of the afternoon sun as it shone through the window onto her flawless skin.
It was no wonder that he was captivated. She was stunning. There was absolutely no denying that fact and I could easily comprehend how he had fallen for her so quickly. What bothered me most though, was the depth of her feelings in return. She was clearly besotted with him as well and I wondered how it had all come about so quickly.
As I sat hidden from view, huddled in the corner on the rear seat of the bus, I looked on, the pair completely oblivious to my presence a few rows behind them. They were too wrapped up in their own little world to have even noticed me when they’d quickly scanned the bus looking for a place to sit. The minute I spotted them making their way down the aisle I shrank further into my seat, trying to make myself as small as possible in the hope that I wouldn’t be seen. But I needn’t have concerned myself with that minor detail. For them, nothing else existed at that point in time. And it was then that I realized the full consequence of my choice to have nothing to do with him.
Blake was hers now and any reservations or second thoughts on my part were pointless. I had left it too late and as envious as I felt, I knew that I was the one responsible for this turn of events. Regardless of my actions though, if a girl as gorgeous as Monica were interested, how on earth could he resist?
When the bus pulled to a stop, I watched as they stood to leave. Hand in hand they headed down the aisle and I felt my stomach churn with regret. That could have been me. It could have been my hand in his, grasping firmly with the same self-assured hold that she was displaying. But my stupid pride had got in the way and I had only myself to blame.
Following their every move, I stared unnoticed from my seat on the bus, my unobstructed view allowing me to take in every detail as they walked arm in arm in the direction of Blake’s house, each completely comfortable in the company of the other. Then, unexpectedly and with an abrupt jerk of his head, Blake glanced up when he passed my window and stared directly at me, as if he had a sudden urge to look my way. It was uncanny how there always seemed to be some sort of connection between us. Whatever the situation, it was always there; almost like an invisible magnetic force that caused each of us to be aware of the other. He lingered for a second, his piercing blue eyes penetrating my own as he stared intensely towards me. Then only a moment later, the bus pulled away and he was gone.
I could feel the tears begin to form. They trickled gently down my cheeks and as I sat there lifelessly staring out at the blur of trees and houses that whizzed quickly past, I was struck with a weird sensation. Hadn’t I experienced that exact moment before? Was it déjà vu where one experiences something so familiar it’s as though the incident has occurred previously, perhaps even in another lifetime? I had no idea how it all worked but the scene I had just been a part of somehow seemed a repetition of another time in my life.
The question was though, how would it all end? Would he fall head over heels in love with her and forever forget that I even existed? Was that the way my future was going to play out? Right then, I could not remove the image of the love struck pair from my thoughts. Blake’s lips on hers, her hands in his. It was making my head spin and a feeling of nausea sank quickly to the pit of my stomach.
Finally, the bus pulled to a stop outside my house and I made my way unsteadily down the steps and onto the pavement. With a gulp of fresh air, I furiously brushed the tears away and approached my front door. All I wanted right then was the sanctuary of my bedroom and as I turned the key in the lock, I prayed that no one was at home.
Realizing with a brief glance back at the driveway, that Matt’s car was nowhere in sight, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. My brother had taken to hanging out at our house with his friends after school and usually I welcomed the distraction, but that afternoon, a house full of my brother’s friends was the last thing I wanted to face.
I entered the silent abode that was the home I shared with my brother, and on occasion with our dad; when he could make it home from work for the occasional weekend that was. Ordinarily it was my habit to raid the fridge the minute I walked in the door, but that was definitely not something I could even contemplate right then.
However, thoughts of food did remind me that it was my turn to do the grocery shopping and picturing in my mind, the almost completely empty cupboards that I had looked into just that morning before leaving for school, I wondered vaguely what we would eat for dinner.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I headed towards my room and threw myself onto the bed in disgust. But unable to lie still, I grabbed the pillow in frustration and abruptly sat up only to be faced with the reflection that stared back at me from the full length mirror attached to my cupboard door.
In the silence that followed, I studied my features. Long brown hair, brown eyes, medium complexion, definitely nothing out of the ordinary; well, that was how I saw myself. I was certainly not in Monica’s league that was for sure.
I then forced myself to consider the situation I’d found myself in; alone in my bedroom, feeling sorry for myself, as usual! And I stared with loathing at the pathetic creature gazing innocently back.
“You’re such a loser!” I spat the words furiously and hurled my pillow with as much force as I could muster, hitting the mirror with a thud.
Looking silently on, I watched as the glass rattled in its frame and the crumpled pillow fell uselessly onto the carpeted floor. It was at that instant I realized how pathetic I’d become. It was an epiphany of sorts; a sudden rush that had appeared from nowhere but the meaning was clear.
I was turning into another Sara! Visions of her evil glare hit me with a blow and I stood frozen in shock at the revelation. Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I considered the jealous streak and possessive behavior that she was famous for and realized that was exactly how I, myself, was behaving. How I could have stooped to such a pathetic state was beyond me. More than anything else, I did not want to be like her.
Without warning, my thoughts abruptly shifted gear and swerved in a completely different direction. An unexpected vision of Ky reaching towards me, his warm smile genuine and welcoming, flashed vividly into the forefront of my mind. I’d been so caught up in my envy over Blake and Monica that Ky hadn’t even entered my subconscious. Until that moment.
But how could that be? Especially when I’d been obsessing over him for what seemed like so long. I felt my head spin with a crazy mixture of wild emotions and the feeling of nausea I’d been experiencing earlier bega
n to erupt once more. What was wrong with me? Perhaps I really was ill? And if that were the case, then maybe that was the explanation I was looking for. Clutching at straws, I searched for a means to explain my woeful state of mind right then.
I remembered the vision of Ky’s warm smile as he said goodbye to me just that very afternoon. I had bumped into him on my way to the bus stop but was so concerned I’d miss the bus that I didn’t have time to stop and talk. If only I’d taken the opportunity perhaps he would have offered me a lift. Then I could have avoided the whole ordeal of seeing Blake and Monica together. Although, I would have found out soon enough, I guessed.
I just wished I knew where I stood with Ky. Was he interested in me or not? At times he gave me the definite impression that he was keen, but then I wouldn’t see or hear from him for days. He was so aloof and distant, so hard to read.
In reality though, I think that was the reason I felt so drawn to him. That, and of course his beautiful face and that wonderful smile which sent me into a nervous frenzy without fail every single time! Then there was the way his hair hung in long wavy strands over one eye that I absolutely adored. Not to mention the cool way he dressed and the way he walked and the way he talked.
“OMG, Julia! What is wrong with you?”
Frustrated and angry, I desperately tried to make sense of the whirlwind rushing around and around inside my head.
One minute I was almost suicidal over the thought of Blake and Monica, a situation I was well aware I had helped to create. Then in the very next moment, I was drooling over visions of Ky.
Was I losing control? Had I lost all grip of reality and sunk to a crazed state where nothing at all made sense? Or perhaps I just needed something else entirely to focus on, something to divert my thoughts and the overwhelming sensation that was threatening to engulf me. And then, as if in answer to my prayer, the loud bang of the front door followed by familiar heavy footsteps caught my attention.
“Julia, are you at home?” The sound of my brother’s booming voice, drifted up the stairs and into my room.
Without waiting for a response, he blurted the next question, “What’s for dinner?”
My first impulse was to ignore him and pretend I wasn’t at home, but aware that he would simply come looking for me, I sighed with resignation and made my way down the stairs. Forcing all thoughts of good looking boys, beautiful girls and regretful decisions to the utmost rear of my mind, I headed for the kitchen where I knew I would find Matt, searching the cupboards with the expectation of finding them fully stocked.
When I reached the kitchen door he turned towards me, a curious expression on his face. Preparing myself for his sarcastic retort, I looked questioningly back, ready to respond with my own sarcasm if necessary. At the same time though, I hoped there may actually be some forgotten leftovers or a frozen meal hidden somewhere in the depths of the freezer that we could heat in the oven for dinner. But failing that, I knew we could always use the emergency money Dad had left for us and order in pizza.
When he opened his mouth to speak, I was certainly not anticipating the eager question that he directed towards me. Rather than complaining about the lack of food in our cupboards, he had something else entirely to discuss and I could see by his expression that regardless of how I felt about his plan, his own mind was made up.
“How about we have a party for Halloween? After all, we’ve had the house to ourselves for ages now and still haven’t had our own party!”
My first reaction was not what he’d been hoping for. Spontaneity was not a strong trait of mine and I needed time to think.
“A party…here?” Chewing at the corner of my mouth, I looked hesitatingly towards him, not at all sure if a party at our house was a good idea.
“Yeah, a party…here! Come on Julia, let’s have some fun!”
He was too convincing and I found myself unable to refuse. The beginnings of a small smile began to form on my face and when Matt saw my head nod hesitatingly in agreement, his own smile spread rapidly into a wide grin.
Pushing away all the overwhelming emotions that only moments earlier had threatened to overtake me, I drew a deep breath and sat down on a wooden stool next to him. Perhaps this was exactly the distraction I needed.
It was then that Matt’s words hit home base and I repeated them once more in my head. “Let’s have some fun!”
Nodding my head again, this time much more firmly, I could see his excited grin had become even wider. Realizing I’d been handed a gift in the form of something really fun to plan and organize, and to look forward to, I grinned excitedly in return.
“Yes,” I said decisively, this time muttering the words out loud. “Let’s have some fun!”
It occurred to me that it was about time we took advantage of our situation. After all, what could possibly go wrong?
Then, abruptly aware of how hungry I was, I reached for the phone to call the pizza delivery number.
Unexpected…
At first I thought it was gross! The distinctive sound of someone throwing up in the cubicle next to my own made me feel ill. It had to be one of the most disgusting sounds ever. But when the noise continued, I became concerned.
Washing my hands at the sink, I stared in the mirror in front of me, willing the noise to stop. My first instinct had been to wash my hands and leave, however a niggling doubt made me call out, “Are you okay?”
A sudden silence followed. There was no response and in fact, there was no sound whatsoever.
Beginning to worry, I tapped gently on the door, asking one more time, “Are you okay?”
My persistence prompted a sharp reply. “Can’t anyone have some privacy? I’m fine, just leave me alone!”
That was when I stopped short. I recognized that voice, I would know it anywhere. Standing still, momentarily unsure as to what action I should take, I paused and waited. Then, quickly considering the consequences if I hung around, I decided it best that I leave. She obviously did not want my help and besides that, I was convinced the vomiting fit had been self-induced. I had actually heard the same sounds erupting in that very same bathroom the day before and decided that they had more than likely come from the same person.
One of my friends had also commented that they’d seen her rushing to the bathroom earlier in the week, only to return to class a short while later looking very pale. When the teacher asked if she was okay, apparently she nodded her head and indicated that there was no problem whatsoever.
But it was quite clear that Sara was losing more and more weight. Her clothes hung loosely on her tiny frame and she looked like a walking skeleton. I was sure that if I tried, I could wrap my thumb and little finger entirely around each of her wrists and still have room to spare. How on earth she could be happy with the way she looked was something I could not comprehend.
Sara and her obvious weight loss was the latest gossip amongst all the girls in our grade. Absolutely everyone was noticing. However, it appeared that she reveled in any comments regarding her loss of weight, and accepted them as compliments rather than the concerned queries that they were intended to be.
Just that morning, I’d noticed her taking the opportunity to admire her reflection in the classroom window as she walked past. And the self-satisfied smirk and confident air still evident in her manner and expression had not faded in the slightest. This was something that I found quite bizarre.
All her symptoms definitely pointed to an eating disorder, which I assumed must be anorexia, although I remembered reading somewhere that the word used to describe people who threw up to avoid putting on weight, was bulimia. I really didn’t know too much about it and had never before come across anyone with either condition. So I figured that maybe she had a combination of both. I just knew that I, myself, would never succumb to such a problem as I enjoyed food way too much to ever consider not eating.
Consumed with thoughts of Sara’s dramatic weight loss and in particular her inability to comprehend how bad she actually look
ed, I joined the mass of students in the hallway and headed towards my next class. Completely oblivious to the rush of kids hurrying in all directions, I was not aware of the person walking towards me. That was, not until we actually collided. Right there in the hallway, in full view of everyone, we literally walked into each other! He’d been busy texting on his phone whilst at the same time, in my distracted state, I hadn’t been watching where I was going either.
“Ky!” I stammered, feeling my face flush with embarrassment.
“Oh hi, Julia!” I could not help but stare at the beaming smile which had appeared on his beautiful face and I frantically searched for something to say.
Overcome with shyness and nerves, I haltingly continued, “How...how are you?”
His response consisted of a cheeky grin and an ever so slight tilt of his head. That was something I noticed he often did when contemplating a reply but it caused a familiar flutter in my stomach, and I desperately tried to control my racing pulse.
I was sure that he was completely aware of my discomfort and seemed to find it mildly amusing. But that just made me feel more awkward than ever.
“Let’s hang out at lunch time!” His enthusiasm was quite unexpected and I managed to nod in keen agreement, accepting his invitation eagerly.
Then, forcing myself to hide the wide smile of delight that was threatening to erupt, I mumbled the excuse of being late for class. My concern lay with the obvious embarrassed flush that had crept over my entire face and neck, a reaction I had absolutely no control over.
I’d never been able to manage the rosy blush that I was constantly overcome by in embarrassing situations and I felt a desperate need to escape before making a complete fool of myself. Although it had always been a source of amusement to my friends, who could not resist the temptation to tease and add further to my uncomfortable state. To make matters worse, where Ky was concerned, I had no control at all and wondered what it was with that boy that made me react so intensely.
Julia Jones - The Teenage Years: Boxed Set - Books 2, 3 and 4 Page 9