by Chris Owen
"Yes, we already had this conversation," Noah reluctantly had to admit. "I don't need cuddles, I need a reality check." Noah sulked along behind Phan. "And I'm cuddling you. I've been looking forward to it all day."
"Really?" He got a shy smile. "Me, too. Okay, you cuddle me and I'll give you a reality check. Wanna lie down or sit up this time? I fell asleep last time we were lying down, remember."
"That answers your question." Noah sat and held out his arms.
Phan curled into Noah, wiggling and squirming until they were both comfortable and warm against each other. Noah knew that part of the cuddling -- the largest part -- was that it made Phan feel safe. He was able to talk better, be more honest, if he felt cared for. And it was an easy enough thing to do, once Noah understood what Phan was after.
"So," Phan said. "You haven't managed to get any more comfortable with the idea of... being with him that way. Any idea why?"
"I'm submissive, Phan." The answer was so perfectly clear to him that Phan's question seemed almost ridiculous. Subs don't top. Subs are fucked, used, loved, whatever; they're not in the driver's seat.
"So?" Phan sighed. "He's a Dom. He likes anal sex -- getting laid by having a nice hard cock up his ass. You like it, why can't he?"
Noah sighed. "It's just... weird." That wasn't terribly eloquent but it was true. It was weird. Awkward. Unusual. "I know what he wants me to do, Phan, I just... I'm not sure I can do it." He hugged his arm tighter around Phan. "I mean if I'm in my space first, then maybe I can do whatever he wants, right? But then he'd have to ask me. And you said he wouldn’t ask. But if he did, I guess I could pull it off. It's just hard to think about rationally." He was babbling now, he knew. "Damn it. Am I making any sense?"
Phan nodded. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Sounds like you're pretty sure you won't like it. What happened the last time you topped?"
"What do you mean what happened? It was forever ago, I barely remember it."
"So how come you're so sure you won't enjoy it? Look, kiddo -- we've got kinks. Our sexual identities don't fit into nice little boxes. Where on earth did you get so attached to the idea that subs don't ever top?" Phan looked up at him and brushed a hand along Noah's arm in a strangely comforting gesture. "If you really don't like it, he's not going to make you. Not this."
Noah sighed. "I know," he said softly. "I'd like to, though, if he'd enjoy it. There's nothing I wouldn't do to please him, really, it's just... it's not that I'm stuck thinking inside a box, Phan, it's just... it's complicated." Noah shook his head. "It's complicated" were the last two words anyone should ever say to Phan, particularly if they wanted to stop talking about something. "Damn."
"Oh, complicated," Phan said expansively. "That changes everything. Just stick a sign on your dick that says 'Sorry, sir. It's complicated.' He'll just nod and let it go. Like I am right now. Because we know nothing from complicated. I'll shut up if you talk right the fuck now."
"You're a little shit, you know that?" Noah snorted, giving Phan a gentle shove and knowing that Phan knew he was just playing. "God." Noah rubbed his face and tried to figure out how to start. "Listen. This doesn't go beyond you and me, okay?" He knew he didn't have to say it, but something in him needed to.
Serious eyes met his. "Okay. But if I think Tobias needs to know, I'll tell you that's what I think. Talk." Phan snuggled down again, his hand still stroking over Noah's arm.
"Oh, he knows this part; it's about him," Noah said softly. "Christmas Eve, Tobias spent all night in my arms in tears. He talked about his parents, and about school and work, and you. He told me pretty much everything, you might as well know that." Phan's warmth was comforting, and he was always so easy to talk to. Nothing shocked him, nothing was too stupid or too juvenile; he just took everything at face value. It was a rare gift. "Anyway, he was desperate by the day after Christmas to win back his dominance. He was afraid that breaking down like that in front of me would... he was concerned it might..." Noah sighed. "Well, he was afraid he'd lost my respect, I guess. That seeing him vulnerable would ruin things between us."
Phan shifted in his arms and nodded. "He... he'd be worried that you wouldn't take him seriously. Okay, so you're tying him bottoming to that sort of thing?"
"Right. I feel kind of the same way. That topping him -- especially in a scene where I need to push him around a little or restrain him -- I'm worried, not so much that he'll lose something in it, but that I will. That I'll start looking at him and wanting to fuck him, instead of wanting him to fuck me." He shook his head. "That probably makes no sense at all."
"No, it makes sense," Phan assured him. "Just lemme think a little. Just... hold on and cuddle, okay? I do my best thinking in a cuddle." He tilted his head up and smiled. "It's just sex, kiddo. There's always a solution."
"Just sex," Noah snorted, but he tugged Phan a tiny bit closer.
They sat for a few long minutes, Phan's warm body growing even warmer as he snuggled. "How about if it wasn't a scene?" Phan finally asked. "Tell me what you felt on Christmas Eve. If he'd needed it then, do you think you could have? And would you have enjoyed it?" Phan twisted right around in his arms, so they were chest to chest. "I don't think you're worried about topping, I think you're worried about being the dominant one. About being in charge and having to enforce it."
Noah's answer was easy. "I'd have done anything he needed that night. Anything at all." He looked at Phan. "And you're right, that's exactly what I'm worried about. How come you can say things so much better than I can?" He lifted a lock of Phan's hair out of his eyes and smoothed it back with his fingers.
"Too much thinking," Phan said softly. "It's all I do anymore."
Noah huffed at him. "Yeah. Must get old after a while, huh?" He leaned forward and kissed Phan on the forehead.
"Sometimes." Phan smiled and brushed his own lips across Noah's cheek. "But every time I get really down and fed up I seem to have a breakthrough of some sort. And honestly? It's better than the alternative."
Noah didn't have all the details, but he knew enough. Phan had been to hell and back since the intervention Bradford had staged with Tobias' help. Maybe more than once. He couldn't imagine what it was like, living and reliving and verbalizing everything, but something was working. Phan was different now. He wasn't the unpredictable fidgeter that Noah had first met for dinner that night months ago when he was still working through Tobias and Phantom's relationship. Phan was more settled, calm, maybe a little sad, but mostly he seemed optimistic.
He even looked a little different. There was visible depth behind his eyes now, like he'd been hiding it or protecting it before. Noah looked into them and smiled. "So, what did you deal with this week?"
Noah got a self-conscious snort, and Phan raised an eyebrow at Noah's quick change of subject. Phan let it go, however, and said, "We’ve left off the father issues for a bit, which is nice. That was getting kind of old. This week we've been talking about my mother, instead, and what she didn't do. You know, Dr. Brewer thinks it would be a bad idea for me to call my parents? She seems to think I'm still a little hostile to the idiots." He smiled brightly.
"Really? Whatever gave her that idea?" Noah laughed softly.
"I think it was the snarl. But at least I'm not having nightmares after every session, and it's been almost a week since I've begged Bradford to flog me. The poor man is beginning to regret ever meeting me, I think." Phan sighed and buried his head in Noah's neck. "You're all too good to me," he whispered.
Noah stroked over his shoulder and back. "No, Phan. We're not too good to you, we're just as good as you deserve. Bradford will never regret meeting you; he cares about you too much. We all do." He'd said this probably ten times to Phan, at least -- certainly once every time Phan came over, and sometimes more than that. It couldn't hurt to keep reminding him that he was supported, that people cared. He was going through a lot of shit and dealing with memories of people who didn't care, after all.
"Far too patient?" Phan suggested after a long m
oment. His voice was still muffled, but he was apparently trying to be light; he'd had a good day, after all. A soft kiss was pressed into Noah's neck and Phan pulled away. "Thanks, Noah," he said, his eyes a little watery.
"You're welcome," he answered simply. And he was. "You hardly ate any pizza," Noah squinted at him. "Bradford will think I'm starving you."
"You just want me fat so you can be the pretty one," Phan teased. "Seriously, I ate. And I'll have another slice before I go." A hand slid over Noah's shoulder and Phan turned again, shifting once more into the cuddle they'd started with. "Damn, you're hot. Just sayin'. And no, we haven't got that far in therapy -- I've decided that it's perfectly okay to lust after my old Dom's new sub. So long as everyone knows, anyway. Speaking of, Brian says 'hi.'" He turned his head to peer up at Noah. "He thinks you're hot, too."
Ah, Phan babble. A true sign that the roughest parts of the evening had passed. At least no one had cried this time. It was a success, really, even if there had been talk about fucking Tobias, which still wasn't really solved. The rest of that conversation needed to be had with Tobias, anyway.
"I've got a bit of a crush on my new Dom's old sub, too, so we'll call it even." Noah chuckled. "Speaking of Brian -- who, by the way, thinks everyone is hot -- I've been dying to ask. Is it crazy living with Bradford, or what? Seems like there's never a dull moment over there."
Phan laughed softly. "I think it was at its most crazy right after Tobias and Bradford decided to move me in. That was certainly when it was the most work for Bradford -- I think he put someone in charge at the club for a few nights, 'cause he didn't leave the house much. But now it's calmer." Phan looked up at him and smiled. "I get out and give him a break now."
"Yeah, you come mooch dinner off the rest of us now," Noah teased. "So it's been a whole week since you've had a rough scene with him? That's great."
Phan snorted. "I haven't had it rough since before New Year's. Said I haven't begged for it."
"Oh, so he doesn't give it to you even when you beg for it? Damn, that's like a sub's worst nightmare." Noah laughed, trying to keep things light. "He's good. I don't think I could hold out with you begging."
"Don't tell me that," Phan said with a grin. "I'll practice begging on you and get us both in trouble. Tobias would tan your ass, and I think Bradford would lock me in a closet and make me watch soft porn. Het porn." He shuddered and snuggled against Noah again.
"Het porn! Oh, God, it's a punishment worse than death. I should know, I'm subjected to it from time to time when I hang with the guys from work." Noah raised the pitch of his voice to sound something like a woman. "Oh, you're so big! Watch, I'll fake an orgasm for you! Oooo!" He laughed. "It's just not sexy. At least guys can't fake it."
"Sure they can!" Phan grinned up at him again. "But it's way more fun to just do it. Poor baby, having to watch that nasty stuff. Tell you what, you can watch gay porn with me. But that could lead to me begging... and then we're right back at punishment." Phan sighed dramatically. "Hold me. Save me. Don't let Bradford lock me in a closet!"
Noah snorted and dug his fingers into Phan's ribs in a spot where he knew Phan was ticklish. Once he'd gotten the squeal he was looking for he relented, letting Phan wriggle away and enduring Phan's reproachful look. "Phan, I don't think anyone could put you back in the closet." Noah winked.
"Do you think I could fake it? I can be all manly. I can. I know what football is, and I can drink beer. Well, I don't, but I can fake that, too. I can tell stories about when I was a drunk, though, and all the guys I laid..." Phan shook his head. "I'm so gay," he said mournfully. "No woman will ever have me. I'll have to move in with you and be your... um. Dishwasher. Yeah. That's it."
"I think you're the gayest man I know." Noah laughed. "And you've already moved in with Bradford. I couldn't possibly take away his dishwasher." He stood up. "I want more Coke," he said, and headed for the kitchen. "Can I get you some?"
"Yeah, thanks," Phan called. "I can't stay with Bradford forever, you know. It's only until I'm better. Then I'll have to find a place again."
"Well, if mean old Bradford throws you out on the street, you know you're always welcome to my couch," Noah called from the kitchen. As if Bradford would ever throw Phan out. Push him gently, perhaps, but Phan would never end up without a roof over his head.
He poured them each a drink and put a second piece of pizza on a plate for Phan. He frowned as he figured out how he was going to carry it all, and finally balanced the pizza on his forearm.
"Eat this," Noah said, and shoved the plate under Phan's nose. "Did I tell you Tobias is taking me to Paris in April?"
Phan nodded. "I'm green with envy," he said as he took a bite of the pizza. "I loved traveling with him. He... kinda relaxes a bit, but he gets more proper. If that makes sense. You going to renegotiate your contract there?"
"You know, I was thinking about that. It'll be up right about that time, so I suppose we will. I can't believe we're almost there already. It was a good contract to start with; I don't see myself asking for any changes." He looked at Phan. "I might sign on for a year this time, though, if he offers it. What do you think? Is that too long before a renegotiation?"
Phan shrugged and chewed. "You two are in love. I'd say a year, no problem. Why don't you ask for live-in?"
Noah blinked at Phan. Of course the idea had crossed his mind, at least a thousand times. "I would love that," he said honestly. "But I can't ask for that, he has to offer." He had to. There was no way Noah was going to ask and put Tobias in the position of having to either say no, or worse, reluctantly agree. The man liked his personal space, didn't he? If he offered, it would be one thing, but Noah wasn't about to ask.
"He will," Phan said, sounding sure of himself. "This is great pizza, kiddo. Hey, when you move into the condo maybe I can get dibs on this place. I like the fireplace."
Noah grinned. "Well, if I move into his place then you can sublet it. It's nice, if you don't mind the tiny bedroom and the tiny bath. Of course, the bedroom would be bigger if it didn't have a king-size bed in it. And the fireplace is definitely hot."
Phan grinned back. "Will you come back and cuddle me?" he asked, fluttering his eyelashes. "And, hey -- you won't need the bed; I can buy that from you. Um. After I get a job again." He shrugged. "Whatever. It'll all work out, Noah. Trust me."
"Yes, I'll come back and cuddle you. Or you can come over and we'll both cuddle you. How's that?" Noah sipped his Coke. "I know it will work out. For both of us, hmm? Everything has a solution, didn't you just tell me that? Or were you just talking about sex?"
Phan chewed the last of his pizza. "I was thinking about sex at the time," he said after he swallowed. "But I guess it's true of everything. Even when something hurts at first, it usually works out." He took a swallow of his Coke. "You mean it about you both cuddling me?" he asked, looking into his glass.
Noah shifted close to Phan again. "Of course I mean it," he said softly, putting his arm around Phan's shoulders. "We're friends now, right? Good friends. Tobias would love to have you around, I know he would. And you know I would. I look forward to your company on Tuesdays; it's kind of like my therapy. I get to... just talk. It's nice."
"It's nice," Phan echoed him, still staring into his glass. "Does... does he ask about me? I mean, he calls me and talks to me. But does he ask you about me? Us?"
Noah considered carefully how best to answer that question. Of course Tobias asked about him, but he was always asking for Noah's impressions of how Phan was, which was not necessarily what Phan needed to know. He decided to clarify something first. "Us? As in you and me?"
"Yeah, like... how we're getting along and stuff."
"Oh." Noah nodded. "Yes, he does ask, all the time. In fact, chances are good he'll call me late tonight after you go home. He wants to know how you are doing. It's not that he doesn't trust what you tell him, but I think he likes to hear me say you're doing well, and you look good and all of that stuff, too." Noah rubbed Phan's back and gri
nned. "And I wonder sometimes if he's worried about what trouble you and I might be getting into."
Phan made a face and finally looked at him. "He is. Not that he doesn't trust you, I don't mean that. But he knows me really well, and he knows how I can be. He worries that I'll seduce you, I know he does. That I'll manipulate you."
"You think he worries about that more than you do?" Noah asked frankly. "Don't you think maybe you're more concerned about what you want to do, or what you could do, than he is that I'd let it happen?"
"It's not about you letting it happen -- we all know you wouldn't. It's about me breaking trust. About... pushing you. Hurting him by..." Phan gestured with his hand, his movements becoming agitated. His eyes blinked too rapidly and his lips twitched in between his words. "It's about me reverting to form and trying to get out of my situation. Hiding from reality. He worries I'll use you to escape."
Noah took Phan's glass from his fingers and set it on the table. Then he slid off the couch and knelt in front of Phan, trying to get him to catch his eye. "Phan, look at e. It's okay. Look at me." He took both of Phan's hands in his.
Slowly, with apparent reluctance, Phan's gaze met Noah's. "Sorry," he whispered. "Didn't know I was going to panic like this."
"Don't apologize. This is what it's all about, right? This is why you're here. It's a safe place for you to relax and try not to worry about this stuff. Phan, if you were to do anything of the kind, we'd just deal with it. It wouldn't necessarily be a setback, you know? You're aware of that behavior; you're trying to work through it. No one expects you to be perfect every minute of every day. Everyone slips now and then. I do, Tobias does, we all have things that haunt us some, you know?"
Well that certainly was the truth, wasn't it?
"I am here to catch you if you fall."
Phan's eyes filled, and he blinked quickly until the tears went away. "Okay," he said. "But I'm not falling. Not right now." He sat up straighter. "Just kind of wobbling a bit, I guess. I should go."