by Chris Owen
He sat up and wiped his eyes again, then stood and made his way there. The kitchen was always warm; Mrs. Miller had made it the center of his home. He didn't bother wiping these tears away -- he had a feeling there would be more.
"Noah?" he said again as he walked in. "Where are you?"
"Right here, baby." Noah went to him and slipped his arms around his waist.
"I had bad dreams," Tobias whispered. "And I can't stop crying."
"When my father passed away, my mother told me that tears were good for you. Let's hope she's right, huh?" Noah tightened his arms around Tobias and kissed his chest.
Tobias nodded. Something that felt this horrid had to be good for him. "It's like... spinach then?" he asked, choking out a laugh. He held onto Noah and sniffled a little. "God, I hate this."
"It hurts, I know."
"It does. I want... No. I don't want it to stop. She deserves to have me ache for her, does that make sense? She earned these tears." He felt his chest tighten again, and a sob welled up. "I'm sorry," he said, not knowing why.
"It makes perfect sense, baby, and you're right, she deserves to be missed. She will be, sorely." Noah held on tightly and a quiet moment passed before he finally asked, "Are you hungry at all?"
"No." He wasn't. "I don't know. I don't... I should make some calls."
"Some calls? Who are you calling?" Noah pulled him over to the kitchen table and sat him in a chair. "Have a few bites, you need it." Despite having just been told that Tobias wasn't hungry, Noah went to the stove and dished up some stew and sat it in front of Tobias with a hunk of crusty bread.
"I should call... well, Bradford. Phan will have to know, he loved her." Tobias played with the fork in front of him. "Dee. Um. Order flowers. I have to decide what to do about the house."
"Whoa, hey, all of that can wait." Noah sat at the table with him. "Eat. The house will be fine for a while, I've taken the rest of the week off work. Flowers can wait until tomorrow. I'm sure Dee isn't expecting to hear from you yet, and I can call Phan. Don't push, you're allowed to just grieve, Tobias."
"I don't grieve well," Tobias admitted.
Noah snorted, then shot Tobias a look of disbelief. "Tobias, who grieves 'well'?"
"Well, do you find people to take it out on?" Tobias demanded. "Do you bury yourself in work for months and ignore everyone? Do you forget to eat, and drive yourself so hard that you nearly wind up in a hospital?"
"If you think I'm going to let you do any of those things, you have another think coming, Dr. Vincent." Noah stood and went back to the stove. "And on that note, will you eat something, please?"
Tobias looked at him and managed a weak smile. "If I was feeling better I'd say no, just on principle. I advise you to lose the 'please' by the day after tomorrow. Maybe Bradford can give you a quick lesson on how to order me around."
Noah turned around and walked back to the table with a quirky grin tugging at his lips. As he leaned both hands on the table, the smile disappeared and he looked Tobias in the eye. "Eat. Smart-ass."
"Spankings and stroke counts are cumulative," Tobias said evenly. He didn't pick up his fork.
"So be it. But I love you and it's my job to take care of you and see to your needs. What you need right now is your strength. So you can levy me fifty strokes if you like, but I'm not moving until you pick up that fork and eat something."
Tobias looked at him and finally sighed. "Brat," he said, picking up his fork.
"You're eating." Noah grinned smugly and went to get him a glass of water.
"Yes," Tobias said, taking a bite of the bread. "Be proud of yourself. Now. Are you sure you can take the time off work? I don't want to eat your vacation time; we're still going to Paris."
"I have plenty, and you're exactly the person I want to spend it on," Noah said easily, setting the glass down in front of Tobias. "Honestly." He sat again and crossed his legs.
"All right." Tobias let it go and concentrated on eating everything Noah put in front of him. Fork, lift, chew, swallow. Easy. Mindless. No need to think or feel, only do. He finished everything and finally looked up. "I... I need to go lie down." He felt slightly queasy and suddenly realized he had no idea what he'd eaten.
"Go on upstairs. I'll clean up here and bring you some tea in a bit. You want a bath?" Noah picked up his bowl and moved it to the sink.
"I... I don't know." Tobias shook his head. "Yeah, I guess so. I'll take care of it, don't worry." He stood up slowly, feeling a hundred years old. "Thank you, sweetheart."
Noah turned from the sink and watched him. "You're welcome, sir. I'll be up soon." He gave Tobias a kiss and another quick hug before sending him on his way.
Tobias bathed mechanically, unable to relax; every time he did, he found himself remembering and tears would well up, or he'd begin to make plans. Neither were the mind-numbing blankness he craved. Once clean and dry again, he crawled into bed and left all the lights on, waiting for Noah to come up.
Chapter 11
Noah chose these few minutes alone to let his own grief out, letting tears fall as he washed the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. He needed to keep it together for Tobias. The more off-balance Tobias was, the steadier Noah needed to be. That was understood.
He hadn't known Mrs. M all that well, really, or for very long, but she was one of those people that you couldn't help but love from the moment you met her. And as corny as it sounded, it really was true that she was a big part of what made him finally feel at home in Tobias' house.
He needed to tell Phan. Tobias shouldn't have to make that call, not in his state. So as soon as the dishes were put away and the leftovers wrapped, Noah picked up the kitchen phone and dialed Bradford.
"Hello?" came Bradford's cheerful voice over the line.
"Bradford? It's Noah."
"Uh-oh. What's the matter, boy?"
The informality in his address must have given him away. "I've got some... very sad news, Bradford."
"Oh, Lord, Noah. What is it?"
"Mrs. Miller passed away this morning."
Bradford sighed heavily. "Is he all right?"
"No. No, he's very upset."
"I can imagine. What can I do?"
Noah cleared his throat. Somehow being offered help made him more emotional. "Nothing at the moment, but tomorrow... maybe you could bring Phan out?"
"Oh, damn. Phan."
"I'd like to tell him."
"Sure. Sure, Noah, hold on. And count on us tomorrow."
"Thank you, sir." Noah heard Bradford put him on hold.
Then the line clicked again and Phan's voice came to him, sounding cautious. "Noah? What's wrong? Master Bradford won't tell me."
Damn it, hearing Phan's voice only made this harder. "Oh, Phan... it's Mrs. Miller..." He choked on the words.
"Elizabeth? What?" Phan demanded. "Did she have a stroke? A heart attack? Noah, where is she? Is Tobias with her?"
"Phan, honey, she passed away this morning. I'm with Tobias at the farm."
"Oh!" Phan gasped. There was a long silence and then he asked, "Really? But she's... Elizabeth."
Noah felt a knot form in his chest, and his voice was tight with emotion, but somehow he held the tears back. "I'm so sorry, Phan..."
"Oh," Phan said again. "I'm... wow. Is Sir all right? No, of course he isn't, never mind. Listen to me. Are you?"
"Yes, I'm listening," Noah closed his eyes and nodded, not that Phan could see him.
"She told me once, way back at the beginning when Tobias first took me there, before we were together? She told me a story about him having nightmares when he was a kid. His parents were away, and she had him at her house for the weekend, and he was missing them. She gave him something, it was a doll, but not a girly thing -- like a charm. About the size of your hand. She called it her good dream doll, and she told me that she let all her kids use it when they had nightmares. It's in her room, probably still on her dresser. It was then, anyway -- she let me use if for about a month. Take it to him
, yeah?" Phan suddenly seemed to run out of words. "I... damn it. Thank you for calling. I gotta go."
Noah blinked. He'd never been in Mrs. M's room; he'd been told it was strictly off-limits and had never so much as peeked in the door. "Oh. Uh, sure. Sure, okay. Bradford said he would bring you out to see us tomorrow. Sir did say he'd had some bad dreams while he was napping..."
"Really? We're going out?" Noah wasn't sure if Phan was asking him or Bradford, but he could hear Bradford in the background. "Okay, yeah," Phan said, and then he sniffled. "Take care of him, Noah," he said softly, his voice starting to break. "And don't forget you can cry, too. She loved us all, and we'll all miss her."
Noah took a deep breath and sighed. Funny that Phan of all people was telling him it was okay to cry. "Oh, I've done a good bit of that, and I don't imagine I'm done yet." He coughed. "So uh, take care of yourself too, Phan, okay? See you tomorrow."
"See you, Noah," Phan said softly. The line went dead with a soft click, and then there was nothing left to do but go up the stairs.
Chapter 12
Tobias was staring at the ceiling when Noah came in. He hadn't heard Noah moving about the house, hadn't heard his step on the stairs or anything. He sat up slightly and blinked, not sure what he was seeing. "Is that... is that?" he started to ask after a long pause.
"Her good dream doll." Noah said with a nod. "I talked with Phan." He placed the doll in Tobias' hand. "He told me to get it for you. He and Bradford are going to come out and visit tomorrow." Noah tugged his sweater off and sat on the edge of the bed.
Tobias stared at the doll. It was made of thick cotton and had a painted-on face that he'd always thought looked particularly kind without being saccharine. The clothes had changed a couple of times over the years, but the little yellow suit it had on was the one it had worn when Mrs. Miller gave it to Phan. It didn't look like a child's doll, and it wasn't a plaything, but something indefinable instead.
The last time he'd had it given to him had been by Mrs. Miller, the night his parents died.
"Thank you," he whispered. "This is perfectly right." He set the doll on the night table and turned to watch Noah get ready for bed. "How did Phantom take it?" he asked, feeling guilty for not calling Phan himself.
"He's hard to read. He did a good job of covering it up by worrying about you and telling me it was all right to cry." Noah shook his head and shucked his jeans. "And then he suddenly had to go."
Tobias sighed and nodded. "That sounds right. Bradford was right there?"
"Right there, I'd told him first." Noah stepped into the bathroom and turned on the light. "I'm sure Bradford will take good care of him," he said loud enough to be heard over running water.
"Yes," Tobias called back. "He'll be fine." Now all he had to do was worry about Noah. He sighed and looked at the doll again. Maybe it worked for two. "Will you ride with me in the morning?" he called. "Or will they be here early?"
Noah poked his head out of the bathroom. "I don't think Bradford knows how to get up early," he said around his toothbrush. "And I'd love to ride." He disappeared again, and soon the water stopped, the toilet flushed, and then Noah was climbing into bed.
"Great," Tobias said, waiting for Noah to slip into his arms. "Crispin needs a workout."
Noah pressed against him and kissed him. "Sounds good. Some air will be good for us."
"Yes," Tobias agreed, taking another kiss. And then another, his tongue pushing into Noah's mouth.
Noah opened his mouth and yielded to him easily, cupping his jaw with cool fingers.
Unexpectedly, Tobias found himself achingly hard, kissing Noah like his life depended on it, depended on the passion behind every breath. "Oh, God," he said when he stopped to breathe. "Oh, God."
Noah rolled onto his back and pulled Tobias over him, his hands roaming over skin down his back to his ass. Noah's lips found Tobias' throat.
Feeling utterly out of control, beyond it, Tobias thrust against Noah. This was rutting, though he tried to make it more than that. It was feeling and sensation, and it was pure hunger. "Noah," he growled. "Need." He moaned and bared his neck for more of Noah's mouth, needing something powerful.
"Yours, baby," Noah replied. He continued to explore Tobias' neck and shoulder with his lips and teeth. He rolled his hip into Tobias' erection and held it there as he reached into the bedside table for lube. "Better in a minute, promise," he panted and flipped the cap off.
"Hurry," Tobias groaned. "Hurts." And it did, if felt like his heart was pounding in his dick, like if he didn't get off he was going to explode, shatter, scatter, splinter and fragment. He keened and thrust against Noah again, looking for friction.
Noah reached down and slicked Tobias' cock quickly, his hand warm and strong against the rigid flesh. He held Tobias off with his hip just another moment, shoving those same slick fingers into his own ass. He groaned and his brow furrowed for a moment, and then he rolled flat, raising his knees. "Come on... come on, it's okay."
Tobias shook his head no and shoved his cock into Noah's ass anyway, plunging into him and going deep with a grunt. Noah was tight around him, too tight, but he felt so good, so hot and alive, that Tobias almost didn't stop. He managed to freeze before pulling back, staring down into Noah's face.
Noah gasped and grimaced, but it was nothing Tobias hadn't seen before and, he knew, nothing that Noah couldn't handle. Warm fingers reached up and tugged his face lower, catching his lips in a hard kiss. Tobias felt Noah relax a bit, and Noah's ankles crossed at the back of his thighs.
As if something inside him had snapped, Tobias started to thrust, stabbing into Noah again and again, harder and harder. He gripped Noah's hips, pulled him up onto him, and growled. He felt like he could go on for hours, although logic told him that was impossible.
Noah grunted and whimpered. One hand reached up and gripped the headboard and the other seized his cock, stroking himself in time to Tobias' thrusts. "Sir..."
"Go ahead," Tobias said, not stopping or slowing. "Come. It'll relax you." He felt rather clinical about it.
Tobias had no idea if Noah even heard him. "Oh, God," Noah panted. He let go of the headboard and plunged his fingers into Tobias' hair. "I love you."
"Love you, too," Tobias whispered, grinding his cock into Noah's ass. "So much."
Noah whimpered, then shivered and shot upwards, slicking Tobias' belly. The look on his face was pure pleasure, as if he'd been waiting all night for this moment. A couple of deep breaths later, Tobias wasn't surprised to find that he was right, Noah's body relaxed around his cock and Noah moaned softly. "Jesus."
"Love you," Tobias whispered again, his hips driving. "And I'm going to hurt you, I'm sorry." He could feel a tear track down his cheek. "Love you, love you," he chanted, thrusting into Noah again and again.
Noah reached up and slid his fingers across Tobias' cheek -- a surprisingly tender gesture in contrast to the strength and urgency of Tobias' own need. "I'm yours, Master," Noah told him quietly. Sincerely.
Tobias shuddered. "Again," he demanded, his rhythm faltering.
"Yours. Only for you," Noah panted. "I am yours, Master." Noah gripped his shoulders and arched his head back with a groan.
"Ah, fuck," Tobias groaned, his hips stuttering. He could swear he felt his cock swell further. "Mine," he said, slamming into Noah, balls deep.
"Yours to--" Noah hissed, twisting his hips a bit. "To fuck, to have, to please you. Your boy. Oh, God."
Tobias nodded, past words, and pulled almost all the way out of Noah's ass before going deep again. He wanted to come. Needed to. And he had no idea how to get there. He fucked Noah hard, finally bending to kiss him, to taste his mouth.
Noah opened his mouth for him and accepted his tongue, caressing it with his own as they kissed. Fingers dug hard into Tobias' arms, hard enough to leave bruises if they stayed there too long. "Master," his boy gasped between kisses, and Noah's body started to move. He locked his thighs around Tobias' hips and clenched hard around h
is cock, restricting Tobias' ability to thrust.
Only able to push in a little, Tobias growled. Noah had given him something to fight against, something to battle and overcome, and he reveled in it. He could feel his balls pull up as he moved harder, rocking more than thrusting. He sucked on Noah's tongue and panted into the kiss, his body sliding along Noah's wherever they touched, sweat making them both slick.
"Mine," he growled again, breaking the kiss. His orgasm started to roll through him, fire roaring through his veins.
Noah arched and groaned, fighting to keep his grip on Tobias' hips and on his cock. His eyes were closed, and the grimace on his face proved to Tobias that every bit of him, physically and mentally, was wrapped up in this moment, that he'd committed himself to Tobias' release as much as Tobias himself had. "Sir!" Noah gasped and whimpered at him.
"My boy," Tobias said again, still coming, still filling him, still lost on another plane of existence where all that mattered was sensation and connecting to the one in his arms. Nothing else mattered, nothing else could touch him, nothing could hurt him. "Love you," he whispered, finally falling forward onto Noah and panting, tears pricking the back of his eyes.
Noah relaxed as he did and opened his arms, wrapping them around Tobias' shoulders as they settled back together. "Yes. I love you," Noah whispered, pulling Tobias into his chest.
"I know you do," Tobias said softly, not even bothering to try to catch his breath. His panting was rough and harsh, his throat aching. "I'm sorry, baby," he said. "I must have hurt you." Carefully he pulled out, wincing himself. "Oh, God."
Noah's voice was soft, soothing. "Shhh. Right now I feel great, we'll see what tomorrow brings."
Tomorrow. He didn't want to think about tomorrow. He didn't want to move, didn't want to clean up, didn't want to do anything but sleep and hold on to Noah. He heard a sound and knew it had to be a whimper; after a moment he decided it had to have been him. He closed his eyes and held onto Noah, hoping the good dream doll would do its work.