by T. S. Joyce
“What do you feel?”
Dade screwed up his face and shook his head. “If I tell you, you’ll run for the hills and never look back.”
Quinn held back a squeak in her throat at how cute he was. “Well, now you have to tell me.”
“Swear that anything I say in this car doesn’t make it back to my brothers or their mates. Or Ma.”
“Fine.” Easy promise. She didn’t even know his family other than Boone. She pulled her duffle bag of clothes tighter against her side and settled against the passenger seat cushion of his truck. Outside, it was late in the evening and the fireflies were just coming out, illuminating the piney woods with little blinks of light. It was beautiful, but not as alluring as watching Dade’s profile as he struggled to find words. Chiseled jaw adorned with the beginnings of that short, blond beard, as if he hadn’t bothered to shave since she’d been taken to the hospital. The thick chords of muscle in his throat moved when he swallowed, and when he ghosted her an are-you-sure-you’re-ready-for-this look, his aqua-colored eyes were worried. That he was concerned with what she thought of him was baffling.
Him, a big, dominant bear shifter who’d survived God knows what, and he was worried about what she, a quiet, mildly clumsy widow, thought of him.
“When I first saw you, my bear woke right up. It was this there-she-is moment, and you were sitting on the floor of the vet’s room, mourning something I didn’t understand, and all I wanted to do was make it better. But right before I’d gone in there, Shayna had stopped me on the side of the road, threatened a girl I used to hang out with, and I’d just got done swearing up and down that I’d never put a living soul in that woman’s path. And then there you were, not fifteen minutes later. And then when I heard the vet tell you to take the rest of the day off, I got this jumpy feeling inside. I stalled paying for Tank’s check-up so you’d have time to gather your stuff and head out, because even though I had just told myself I wouldn’t get involved with anyone, I was already planning to see you again. And you were so upset, and your tire was flat, and I wanted to put your bike in the back of my truck and ask you out. Take you to a movie or dinner or something. But Shayna was there tailing me, reminding me I couldn’t have anything that I wanted without it being ripped away from me, just like the agency she works for has always done to me and my crew.”
“Is that why you ignored me for that whole week?”
“Exactly why. And it wasn’t easy, woman. You’d already made your mark on me. I threw myself into work up at the firehouse, but I couldn’t keep you off my mind for long. I wanted to know you. Know what you were doing and if you were seeing anyone. I wanted to know what you liked to do outside of work.”
She grinned and looked pointedly in the back seat where Daffodil and Beans were snuggled up together in the crate they shared. “Did you imagine you’d be shacking up with me and two frilly dogs by the end of the next week?”
“Now, that I didn’t imagine. I pegged you for a cat person for some reason.”
“Daffodil can’t handle cats. I fostered one once, and my dog got bullied relentlessly.”
“Well, she’s three pounds of submissive. She didn’t stand a chance with a cat. What the hell is going on here?” he asked, leaning forward.
Red and blue flashed across his face, and Quinn stretched her neck to look out the front window. A crowd was gathered at the mouth of a fork in the road. Some held signs, and some seemed to be trying to hold others back. A police barricade covered the entrance to a poorly fenced property.
“The police around here have better things to do than babysit our land,” Dade muttered as he pulled through.
He rolled down the window. “Hey, Monroe.” Something hit the back of the truck and Dade threw the crowd behind him a pissed off glare. “I thought they kept our names out of the press.”
The dark-haired officer from the hospital nodded and gave him an empty smile. “This isn’t the national news’s doing, I’m afraid. A couple of bloggers in Breckenridge interviewed the witnesses from the fire. Your names leaked online.” He jerked his chin at the restless crowd. “They’ve been at this for hours. Sorry, Dade. If you don’t want to stay closer to the station, we’ll have to camp out here until these yahoos get bored. Cody is posting no trespassing signs to protect your property, but I wouldn’t advise going after anyone who slips through, and especially not as an animal. Everyone is waiting for you to screw up. Don’t give them the satisfaction, yeah?” Monroe patted the open window and nodded a greeting to Quinn. “Y’all have a good night. We’ll be out here if you need us.”
“Mmm,” Dade murmured. “You know I’m sorry for this, man. I wish what we were didn’t stir everyone up.”
“It’ll be a tornado at first, but the storm will pass eventually.”
Dade gave a two fingered wave to a tall, muscular man who was nailing a No Trespassing sign onto the rundown fence beside the road. Quinn recognized him from the video.
“Is that Cody?” she asked.
“The one and only.”
As they began to pull away, she asked, “And he’s your alpha, right?”
“Nah.” Dade kept his troubled eyes straight ahead on the road. “Cody is our alpha.”
“Oh. So we’re his servants?”
“No, woman, you won’t bow down to anyone unless Cody is making an important decision for our crew. He’s a good leader with a good head on his shoulders.”
“Maybe we should stop so I can introduce myself.”
“That’ll slow him down, and he has a family to get home to. You’ll meet him tomorrow.”
“Okay.” She waved to him, anyway.
Cody nodded once and raised a hammer in the air, then turned back to his work.
Quinn fidgeted with the strap of her duffel bag. “He’s out here because of me,” she murmured, settling back into her seat.
“No, he’s not. We discussed going public before you were even on my radar. I get your need to take credit for bad things happening. I have the same instinct, but this one isn’t on you.”
“Why would you want to go public? Your kind has stayed hidden all this time. Why now?”
“Our kind. And the answer to that is IESA.”
“What’s that?”
“The International Exchange of Shifter Affairs. They are a secret arm of the government that has been flexing its muscles with us for a while. With lots of shifter crews actually, and it’s not just bears. Their leader, Krueger, pressed on the Breck Crew for two generations. He hit the kill switch on my dad while he was working a fire, made it look like an accident. We didn’t figure that out until he hit my kill switch, though. Our chemical burns looked the same and were both on our necks. When shifters lost their usefulness, they came up missing, or if they cut their trackers out of their throats, IESA sent us in.”
“What do you mean? Like, you were a clean-up crew?”
“Unintentionally. After me and my brothers served, we came back with a special set of skills. Combine that with our healing and shifter strength, and Krueger recruited us for missions we were made to believe were for protecting the public. A couple of weeks back, though, Cody and I went on a mission with a target that didn’t feel right, and we found out we’d been hunting shifters the whole time. Putting innocent marks down, thinking we were still serving our country. And yeah, we didn’t have much choice in it. Krueger threatened the crew’s cubs, Gage’s mate, Ma, Rory. It doesn’t change that we were the ones who pulled the trigger time and time again. I don’t think the government meant for Krueger to take the liberties he did with us. I think he did things on the sly, and they lost control of him. At least, that’s what I hope. Cody wanted to come out because we went to war with IESA a couple of weeks back, and now the woman who hurt you, Shayna, is rebuilding it from the ground up.” He cast her a quick glance. “As you can imagine, we aren’t thrilled about going back to the way it was. Krueger wasn’t going to stop until we were all dead, and now Shayna is just as vindictive.”
&nb
sp; “Holy moly,” Quinn said on a breath, facing forward again. “How many people did you have to kill?”
Dade shook his head tightly. “I can’t, Quinn. I’m haunted enough without recalling my ghosts.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I won’t ask about that anymore, but if you want to talk about it, I won’t run.”
“You would. If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t be able to stomach being in the same room.”
His words filled her with a numbing sadness. How could he say that? He’d sacrificed so much at the hands of horrid people, and he was still standing. Sure, he’d done awful things to survive, but he hadn’t chosen to. He hadn’t known his marks weren’t a threat. He’d been lied to and manipulated, and now those lost lives were gashes on his soul, lined up so he could feel the eternal pain of each target he’d taken. She hated Krueger. Hated IESA. Hated Shayna. “It’s not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair.”
She bit her thumbnail and looked out the window. “Despise yourself all you want to, Dade. I saw you cradling your dog last week while he got his shots. I saw the pity in your eyes when I was crying on the floor. I heard Monroe talk about all the people you’ve saved fighting fires. I’m alive right now because you were cool with putting your entire crew at risk to save me. Everyone has dark places in them, myself included. It matters what you do to keep those shadows small. Try to convince yourself all you want to that you’re too damaged for me to accept.” She swung her gaze to him. “I’m still proud that you’re mine.”
He took his eyes off the fork in the dirt road once, then twice, his eyes steady on her, as if he was waiting for her to take it back. “You aren’t thinking right. It’s been a long day and a lot has happened—”
“Why are you trying to convince me of what I can and can’t accept, Dade? Is this your way of trying to chase me off of anything real with you?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head for emphasis. “That’s not what I want. I just want you to go into this with your eyes wide open.” He pulled to a stop in front of a dark cabin and turned to face her. “This is a shock to me, as well. You asked what being mated feels like to me, and it scares the shit out of me, Quinn. Truly. I’ve lived all this time responsible for myself and for my crew, and that’s it. Chasing a bond wasn’t something that ever crossed my mind.”
“You’ve been with other women. A man like you…” She frowned. “I know you’ve had relationships with other women.”
“No, I’ve had sex with women. Empty sex. I haven’t ever stayed until breakfast, and now I feel like I want to pledge my entire life to you. It has my head all messed up.”
“I’ve only been with Jay.”
Dade went rigid, equal parts horror and confusion in his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’ve only slept with Jay, and the first time wasn’t until our wedding night. Not for any reason other than we wanted to wait and make it special.”
“More proof,” Dade said in a hoarse voice, “that I’m a terrible match for you.”
“You should’ve worked through that before you made me care for you!” Quinn flung the words at him, then slid from his pickup and climbed the porch stairs. Chin lifted high, she waited at the front door for him to let her in.
Dade sat in the truck, gripping the wheel, eyes downcast. Good. He should feel like worm slime after trying to push her away like that. She could practically see the war he waged within himself to keep her close or to keep her at arm’s length, but he needed to pick a side. She’d known love. The good kind where she and Jay had respected each other and talked through their problems.
Dade was a different beast altogether.
She could be patient and wait for him to come around, but ultimately, he would have to be the one to decide whether to jump all in or not.
Dade shut the truck door a little too firmly. Gravel shuffled behind her, and his shoes made hollow sounds on the stairs as he strode toward where she stood on his darkened porch. She closed her eyes as a delicious wave of warmth crashed through her middle when he reached around her to unlock the door. He smelled amazing, like soap and pine sap, and something heady that belonged only to Dade.
He pushed open the door and took the duffle bag from her, then flipped a light switch inside. She gasped in surprise as she did a slow circle in the living room to take it all in. The cabin was small—one of those big front porch, tin roof, log siding models. But inside, the space was so open it looked much larger than from the outside. Wood walls, wood floors, an old fashioned stone hearth, sparse furnishings, and dark light fixtures gave the home a mannish feel. In the kitchen, the appliances were stainless steel, a contrast to the old-timey wooden cabinets and countertops. Along the back wall over the kitchen was a set of stairs that led to a single door.
She rented a cabin just outside of town, but it didn’t have character like this home did.
Dade busied himself with folding a blue and orange blanket that had been left wadded on the dark leather couch, but every few seconds, he cast his eyes her way, as if he needed to see her reaction to his place.
“This place is amazing. And unexpected.”
“How so?” Dade asked, draping the folded blanket across the back of the couch.
“Well, you’re a bachelor. I thought there would be dishes stacked high in the sink and TV trays of old microwave dinners sitting out.”
Dade smiled and hooked his hands on his hips. “Ma didn’t raise a slob. If she came over and my place was a mess, I’d have to hear about it for a week. Besides, I like my living space tidy. My bear gets restless around clutter. I start feeling like I need to come up with escape plans.” He dropped his gaze. “That sounds weird.”
“No, it doesn’t. You’ve been through a difficult life and have had to hide what you are. My new instincts are overwhelming. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you, but your animal liking a tidy home isn’t weird.”
Dade’s blond brows drew down as if he was uncomfortable with the turn in conversation, so she gave him an out. “Where is your bathroom? It’s been a long day, and I want to clean up.”
“I don’t like this,” he murmured. Dragging sad eyes to her, he said, “I screwed up in the truck. I let the conversation turn, and before that, we’d been having fun. I got in my own head, and now you’re talking to me like we’re strangers again. And I don’t like that.” His voice dipped lower. “I like when you are smiling and happy with me.”
“Well, I like when you aren’t trying to push me away.”
His chest heaved as he inhaled a deep breath. Nodding his head toward the stairs, he said, “I’m going to make you some dinner. Food, meat especially, will help you heal faster. Take your time.”
Quinn padded up the stairs and made her way through the door. His room was like the rest of the house, tidy and clean, not even a streak of dust on his dresser. His bed, however, was covered in jumbled sheets and a dark, disheveled comforter, as if he’d slept rough last night.
With a grin, she spun and landed on the soft mattress. Rolling on her side, she inhaled his pillow. Some of her new bear powers were pretty cool. Imagining the monster that would rip out of her again in a week or so was terrifying, but being able to smell every detail on Dade, to be able to pick his scent out of all the rest, was awesome.
“Are you sniffing my bed?” Dade’s deep voice sounded from the doorframe.
With a squeak, Quinn sat up and clutched her chest. She shot a horrified glance at the bed, imagining how ridiculous she must have looked, then scrunched up her nose. “I’m sorry.”
Dade pushed off the frame where he’d been leaning and approached slowly, as if he was stalking prey. “You don’t have to say sorry for anything, woman. I came up here to apologize and found you on my bed, looking hot as hell in those little cutoff shorts.”
The heat in her neck drove up to the tips of her ears. She probably looked like a ruddy tomato right now. “The bandages take away from my sex appeal.”
“Says who?” he asked, pulling her ankles until her backside hit the edge of the bed. He placed her palm against the rigid roll of his erection pressed against the seam of his jeans. “I think your sex appeal is just fine.”
Dade knelt in between her legs.
“What are you doing?” she asked, jerking her knees in reflexively and bumping his ribs.
Dade pressed her thighs wider and said, “Not what you obviously think I’m doing. I’m going to take your bandages off because I want to show you something.”
“Okay,” she said softly.
Dade canted his head, eyes serious. “You ever had a man eat you before, Quinn?”
Her breath caught at his dirty words. Heat pooled between her legs just thinking about his head bobbing between her thighs. “No.” She and Jay had been young, and he’d never offered.
“Mmm,” he said, tugging at the bandage on her right leg and unrolling it slowly. “If you ever want me to, just say the word. I’ve been wanting to taste you since I met you.”
“That sounds uncomfortable for you. I’d…feel bad asking.”
Dade laughed and folded up the first bandage, then removed a long pad of gauze Moira had put over the burn. “It would be my fuckin’ pleasure to make you come with my tongue. I bet you’d be a noisy little thing.” His hungry eyes held her frozen in his gaze, churning blue-green that dipped her stomach to her toes. “Now, look at what your bear has done for you.”
She gasped at the pink scar across her thigh. It barely hurt past a dull ache anymore and looked weeks old. “I don’t understand. I knew I was healing fast, but this is insane.” She scrabbled to remove the other bandage, and when it was in a little pile on the bed beside her, she looked in amazement at the matching scar on her other leg.
Dade ran his fingertip along the line of the mark on her right leg, conjuring gooseflesh with his touch. “Damn, woman. You’re gorgeous.”
“Even scarred?”
“Especially scarred. Tell me, why were you so far away from the door when I found you?”
She shook her head as emotion crashed over her at the memory of that awful fire. “The cats,” she whispered. “They were so scared. I could hear someone banging on the door, trying to let me out, but the cats were screaming, and I thought if the wall caved, they could maybe get out. I was opening their cages when the beam fell from the ceiling.”