by London Casey
I took the coffee. The smell of tangy smoke made my nose twitch.
I could only take a few seconds of that smell. I stood back up.
“I gotta get back in there,” I said.
“No fighting anyone,” Axel said. “You need to get laid. You’re all pent up.”
“Thanks for the coffee and the advice,” I said.
“I’m serious,” Axel said. “Whatever you’re holding onto from the road, you have to let it go. That was a long time ago. I still think about it too. Maybe what could have been. But that doesn’t matter now. It’s about the present. The now.”
“How zen of you,” I said.
“Nah. I got sucked off on the ride over here,” Axel said. “I’m thinking real fucking clear.”
I shook my head.
I made it two steps into the back of the shop when I saw Kat standing there.
“Did you survive?” I asked.
“Did you really hit him?”
“He was here for you, huh?”
“My ex,” she said. “He thinks he owns me. I’m really sorry if I got you into any trouble.”
“I get myself into trouble, darlin’.”
“I’m all done here,” she said.
I looked to an empty room on my right. There was a table, a counter, and privacy. I nodded to the room. Kat grinned, bit her lip, and she walked into the room.
I shut the door and locked it.
I told Kat I wanted to see the after and she wasted no time in lifting her shirt and showing me.
I grabbed her waist. She grabbed my arms.
I still had some time to kill.
And why not dance with some demons for a bit?
Diem
NOW
I looked up at the rearview mirror and saw the reflection of the baby’s face. She was small, precious, and perfect. The truest miracle I had ever experienced in my life even though I didn’t give birth to her. I didn’t carry her in my womb. I didn’t have the excitement of a first pregnancy test, first ultrasound, first little punch or kick.
Even still, Paisley was a miracle. She was my miracle.
I glanced at my cell phone while I sat at a red light. No texting and driving for this woman. Especially with a baby in the car.
I had thirty minutes until I would be fifteen minutes early for my presentation. I prided myself in always being early. Always smiling. Always defying the odds of being a woman with her own company and able to survive. Add to that taking care of a baby …
The light turned green and I cruised along. I drove slower with Paisley in the car. I thought of those commercials with the parents taking the baby home and they go five miles an hour. That was true. The second Paisley became mine, I was forever changed. It went way beyond driving extra slow too. I tried not to think about it, because if I did it became overwhelming.
I found the small corner daycare center online. They had great reviews and the woman who ran the place put her cell phone right on the webpage to call. I called at nine one night and she picked up. Her name was Susie and her husband was a plumber. Why did that matter? There was just something so honest about her. I loved the place. So did Paisley. It wasn’t an easy decision to put Paisley in daycare, but it was only when I needed it. That was usually once or twice a week.
Today was one of those days.
I had a presentation for a local investor who planned on opening several coffeehouses to compete with the national chains. He had the entire concept ready to go and I was pitching my designs for the logo and all printed work. My love for graphic design started in high school. When girls were putting on makeup and making out with boys, I was cashing in savings bonds to buy the newest design programs to teach myself stuff. Total dork? Probably. But luckily for me, my best friend in the world balanced me out. Scarlett lived way on the edge, whereas I lived as far from the edge as possible. Between us it was like there was a rope and we pulled when needed.
I was at the end of the road and there were two choices. Left or right. So symbolic to life, right? Except this was a little different. Right would loop me around a small patch of woods and lead right back into town. To the daycare. To the corporate office where I had my presentation.
To the left was very much different.
I looked in the mirror and saw Paisley staring at me. Oh, her eyes were so blue still. The bluest eyes I’d ever seen … since her mother.
“Let’s go see Mommy,” I whispered, feeling my heart twist.
I turned left, pulling into the cemetery.
To visit my best friend of all time.
To visit Paisley’s mother.
I wasn’t exactly sure what you were supposed to do when standing at a grave. Especially with a baby in my arms. A baby that wasn’t mine. A baby that I was raising as mine.
The small headstone was beautiful. I was the one who had to pick it out. I was the one who had to sit there and go through finances and insurance paperwork to figure out what kind of headstone could be afforded. Grieving, I wanted to give Scarlett the greatest memory as possible, but she wasn’t even thirty when her life was cut short. She didn’t have much planned out. That wasn’t her style.
I looked at baby Paisley.
Having a baby wasn’t her style either.
As I stood in the quiet cemetery I thought about the night she told me she was pregnant. Bringing over two bags. One had ten pregnancy tests, all positive. Another had five more, not taken yet. Within an hour there were fifteen pregnancy tests on my counter, all positive.
Scarlett reached for a bottle of wine and I swatted her hand away.
“You’re pregnant!” I yelled.
“Fuck! I am …”
That was Scarlett though. She would forget her bag at home and I’d be the one to bring extra money to make sure she could buy lunch at school. I was always backing her up, her right hand woman.
And in some ways I had saved baby Paisley’s life.
Paisley letting out a little whine and I started to bounce her.
“She’s getting so big and smart,” I said. “I’m pretty sure you could see that though.” I looked around and then up to the sky, “Wherever you are.”
Our deep conversations never got to the realm of religion. We stuck to hot guys, planning our futures, and watching terrible TV shows and movies. We didn’t go deep in life because life had always been deep enough for us.
“She’s sitting up. She’s eating her big-girl food. I swore she tried to take a few steps. I had her standing, holding her hands. I kept her at arms’ length …”
I went to say something else and my voice cracked.
I rolled my eyes up and tried to fight off the tears. But that was impossible. I was never given a proper chance to grieve the loss of my best friend. Instead, I was given a baby. Her baby. Now my baby. At least for the time being.
I exhaled and felt a tear roll down my cheek. I didn’t wear a lot of makeup so I could touch myself up when I got to the presentation.
“I have to get going here,” I said, as though Scarlett stood right in front of me.
I could still see her as a poppy sixteen-year-old with a pony tail, big boobs, chewing bubble gum, looking sinfully adorable. She hooked up with seniors as a freshman. It was unheard of.
I didn’t get felt up for the first time until tenth grade. And that was on a dare at a Halloween party.
“I miss you,” I said. “You know that. Of course I’d miss you. I missed you that entire summer your dumb aunt sent you away during break. That was a terrible summer for me.”
But it was also the summer I really focused in on my drawing and art skills. That sort of set me up for the career I had right now.
I crouched down with Paisley in my arms. The baby had no idea where we were or why. Something that always got to me was if she’d remember Scarlett. Being so young when her mother died, would those memories stick at all? Sometimes I’d watch Paisley sleeping and wonder what it would be like when she found out the truth. Like I was the one holdi
ng this bombshell of a thing. Like I’d have to find the right age, time, place, everything to sit her down and tell her what happened to her mother.
And her father?
I shook my head.
I couldn’t even go there.
Paisley let out another whine.
I noticed her cheeks were turning a little red. She had been teething the last few weeks. My nights were a crapshoot. Either a full night of sleep or hour after hour of painful crying.
“Love you, Scar,” I whispered.
I had to go.
I had to get to my meeting.
I had to desperately try to keep holding everything together.
My phone vibrated on the table for the third time. My cheeks were red, burning with heat from such a dumb move of me. Leaving the phone right on the table where the vibration seemed too dramatic.
“You can get that,” Tim said to me.
He was the most laid-back investor type I ever met. Running shoes, jeans, and a button down shirt that looked old as anything. His hair was salt and pepper, messy, and he only wore his glasses when he had to read something off paper.
I researched him a lot before I made the pitch.
He was a business school dropout who moved to California to make a tech play. He missed out on a few big ones, invested in a few flops, and ended up sleeping in his van for about six months. Then he got involved in an app that sold for a million dollars. He took that and moved into real estate just after the bubble burst. Everything he bought, he bought cheap. He held it and slowly sold it off, turning himself into something of a mogul. Now, for some reason, he wanted to break into coffee.
And it was my job to find out why and play that angle to his liking.
“I don’t need to get that,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Tim said. “It’s just us talking.”
“I thought there would be more people here.”
He shook his head and stood up. “Look, Diem, it’s simple. Do you know why I want to get into coffee?”
“Great margins?” I replied with a grin.
Tim laughed. He leaned against the conference room table. “No. For the experience. To bring people together. When I was broke, I’d sit in coffee shops and people watch.”
“And that’s what my designs capture,” I said. I pointed to some of the sleek yet laid back furniture designs I came up with. “From the logo to the lighting to seating, it’s all about being welcomed. You come in and you want to stay.”
Tim nodded. “I can see that. I like that.”
“In terms of spending, my suggestion would be to start with the flagship location. Build that out, set it up with your vision and mine, then move from there. So you’re not pissing money away.”
“That I also like. I may be rich, but there’s this thing with people and their money. I never understood it until I had money. I don’t want to part with my money. I really like it.”
“Which is why I’m suggesting what I am,” I said. “I’d love to take your money, but I understand I need to gain its trust.”
I remembered reading a quote from Tim that talked about money and trust.
Now I had his full attention.
“Keep talking, Diem,” he said. “I’m going to conference-in my team from San Diego. We’ll get them up on the screen behind me on video chat.”
“As you can see, I’ve chosen warm colors. I know our weather is generally warm, but it’s good to feel warm from a different place. Colors and designs can do that.”
I pointed to a chart with three different logos on it. I knew that Tim liked choices, but he also liked for someone to nudge him in a direction. The first logo I made was the logo for his company. Simple as that.
As Tim dialed on his giant smartphone, my cell phone started to vibrate again.
“I insist,” he said. “You have to answer that.”
I felt mortified but I hurried to the table and leaned over.
It was Susie calling me from the daycare center.
I took the call, knowing it had to be something with Paisley.
“Susie—”
“I’ve called you several times,” she said in a stern voice.
“I’m working.”
“Diem, Paisley has a one-oh-two fever and won’t stop crying.”
“She’s teething,” I said.
“Diem, we have a policy in place for a reason. I understand if she’s teething. But if there’s any chance it could be something else—something that could spread through the daycare …”
“Susie, please,” I tried to whisper.
“Okay, are we linked up?” Tim called out.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw the screen on the back wall lit up. There was a team of people around a table, all staring at Tim.
“Not right now,” I whispered. “I’m almost done.”
“She’s been crying for almost thirty minutes,” Susie said. “I brought her into my office. Nothing is working. I can’t have her here right now. I’m so sorry. You have to come get her.”
And if I don’t?
The words were literally on the tip of my tongue.
How dare me though, right? How could I even think that thought? This was a baby. A helpless baby that needed soothing because she was cutting teeth.
“Diem, I’m being patient here,” Susie said.
“So am I,” I said. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
I ended the call with Susie without saying goodbye. I instantly regretted that.
I turned and grabbed my bag. “Tim, I have to go.”
“Excuse me?” he asked.
“Are we moving forward?” someone asked from the chat.
Tim pressed a button and the screen turned off. He put his phone down and then rolled up his sleeves past his elbows.
“Diem, what is this?”
“It’s my … baby,” I said. I could never say the word daughter. I felt like I was stabbing Scarlett in the back if I did so. “She’s teething. The daycare needs me to get her right now.”
“Nobody else can help you?”
Tim’s voice was suddenly cold.
“No,” I said, feeling defeated.
“Where’s the father?”
I gasped. “That’s personal.”
“So’s my money,” Tim said. “We set this meeting for a purpose. If you think I’m going to cut you a check, you’re out of your mind, Diem. You run out now, that’s your last impression on me. I hope you understand that.”
I grabbed my stuff and choked back tears. “I understand. But Paisley comes before everything else in my life.”
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” Tim said.
I turned and looked at all the work. Hours of work. Late nights. Weekends. Working when Paisley napped. Working when some weird cartoon caught her attention for ten minutes.
“You know what?” I said. “I’m leaving these here. I’m sure you won’t find anything better. And when you’re ready—”
I looked at Tim. I wanted to make a defiant statement to him. I wanted to show him I could handle everything.
He was on his phone. He looked right at me. “Mary? It’s Tim. Listen, the number two company on our list? I want them here in an hour. If they can’t make it, go to number three. Someone is going to do this. Someone is going to meet my expectations.” Tim covered the phone. “If you don’t take your stuff with you, I’ll just have it thrown out.”
So there was another punch to the gut.
I had to pack up my entire presentation and leave the room without any help. Worse yet, I didn’t have a second to waste. I couldn’t take a moment to myself. I had to hurry.
Paisley—the baby that wasn’t my daughter—needed me.
When I opened the door to the daycare I heard a cry and knew it was Paisley. I threw my bag to the counter and ran right around it, skipping the receptionist, Danielle. She was the daughter of a friend of Susie’s. She jumped up and tried to run after me.
Susie was h
olding Paisley in her arms, bouncing her. Paisley was red faced, gnawing on a teething ring.
“I’m here,” I said. I reached right for Paisley. “Come here, sweet baby. I’m right here.”
I plucked the baby from Susie’s arms and held her tight. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. My heart was full, broken, and angry. All in the same heartbeat. It seems impossible; it’s not.
I opened my eyes and Susie was staring at me. “I’m sorry, Diem. But—”
“Yeah, I get it. You have policies. Don’t worry about it.”
“I have to care for the best interests of everyone here,” Susie said. “This isn’t personal, Diem. Get her home, a bath, changed, and if that fever …”
“Do you do that to everyone?”
“Do what?” Susie asked.
I felt the sting of the venom in my mouth. I had the choice to swallow it down. But I had a target in front of me. What I was about to do wasn’t fair but I felt I had no choice. It had been that kind of day.
“Do you tell everyone what to do with their kids? Or just those who aren’t real mothers?”
Susie’s eyes went wide. I realized right then that there were kids all around me. Different age groups. The daycare wasn’t packed. That was something Susie prided herself on. She only had a handful of families she worked with. She considered everyone family.
“I’m sorry I spoke then,” Susie whispered. “I hope little Paisley feels better soon. Please be sure to keep in contact with me of any changes.”
Susie turned and walked away. She shut her office door and I knew she was probably crying.
Join the club.
The anger was like poison and I couldn’t get rid of it.
I held Paisley and crouched down, grabbing her bag. She let out another long cry and I soothed her with noises. Making shhh sounds and popping my lips to distract her.
The office door opened again and Susie looked right at me. “Just so you know, Diem, she was given fever medicine approximately an hour ago. Here’s a form explaining what we gave her, how much, and the reminder that you signed for her to receive medicine based on our judgments.”
“Susie …”
“You need to take this so we have record we gave it to you. And so you know when to administer another dose, if necessary, at home.”