by London Casey
It took me a few seconds to really register what was happening.
He spoke first. Standing there with a box of doughnuts and balancing two coffees. “I think we need to talk. And I think I need to apologize.”
He broke the ice but I was still shivering.
I managed to say one thing.
His name.
“Cass …”
“What are you doing here?”
“I just told you, darlin’.”
I looked to my left. To my stairs. Knowing that Paisley was up there, sleeping. Taking a nap. Resting peacefully in her own infant world. Not knowing what was happening at my front door.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say right now. How did you find me?”
“I got arrested last night.”
“What?”
“After you took off. I got into a fight.”
“That explains your eye,” I said. “I mean, you sort of look like shit, Cass.”
“It was a bad night.”
“How does getting arrested help you find me?”
Cass grinned. He had dimples. Subtle dimples that showed through the scruff on his face. “That’s a good story. That’s why I brought a little breakfast.”
“Doughnuts are breakfast?”
“For me, yeah. Why? You into that weird shit like egg white omelets and avocado with some fancy-ass green tea?”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” I said.
Was I flirting? With the man who got me kicked out a bar? With a man who scared me?
“This coffee is hot,” Cass said. “If you don’t want me to come in, I get it. I’ll put this down right here. But I have something to say.”
I felt every nerve in my body jumping. This wasn’t a flight or fight thing. This was my heart exploring right and wrong.
I stepped back and nodded. “Come in. Just try to be quiet. The baby is sleeping.”
Your baby, Cass.
He came into my house, looking around. “Where …”
“Upstairs in her crib,” I said.
Cass nodded. “Okay. Yeah. That makes sense.”
I could tell he was actually a little nervous.
“Sorry for my mess,” I said. “Just getting some work done.”
I moved some papers and Cass put the box of doughnuts on the table, along with the coffees. He moved fast, grabbing a piece of paper with a sketch I had been working on. It was a logo for a security company.
“Wow, this is really good,” he said. “You draw?”
“Graphic designer,” I said. “Been doing it for a long time. I run my own business.”
“Good for you. That’s really amazing. I would have never guessed.”
“So you judge a book by its cover?” I asked.
“And you never do that?” Cass asked. He put the paper down. “You took a look at me and thought what? See my guitars. I work at a tattoo shop. I’m covered in ink. Tell me, what did you think?”
I would never tell Cass what I really thought when I saw him online and when I first saw him in person. I didn’t want to travel down the road emotionally. My focus needed to be on what was best for Paisley.
“All I care about is if you’re able to be the father Paisley deserves.”
“Paisley?” he asked. “That’s—”
“That’s the baby’s name.”
“Paisley? Like the stuff you put on food?”
“What? No. That’s parsley.”
Cass grinned again. He reached for me, touching my arm. “Darlin’, I’m just kidding. Paisley. Okay. That’s her name.”
“So now all of a sudden you’re okay with this,” I said. I shook Cass away. I grabbed one of the coffees. That was my fee for this conversation. “Did you have a life changing experience in jail?”
Cass laughed. “Not in Hundred Falls Valley, darlin’. That’s more of a waiting room. Like going to the Principal’s office in school.”
“I’m sure you spent a lot of time there.”
“Ah, so you do judge,” he said.
“Caught me,” I said.
Stop flirting. What is wrong with you, Diem?
Cass let out a deep breath. “You don’t know everything, Diem. You’re not supposed to. But you knew enough. You left—”
“You kicked me out,” I corrected him.
“Right,” Cass nodded. “I got into a little fight with someone. Just blowing off steam. Local PD took me in. I know the guys. No big deal for me. I slept it off a little and asked for a couple favors.”
“That’s how you found me,” I said.
“Yeah. Took him a while to figure out where you were, but the name isn’t all that common.”
“Okay. So you found me.”
“I found out something else,” Cass said.
“Which is?”
“You were right about Scarlett.”
We both fell silent. I saw the pain in his eyes. He looked away and swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple punching at his throat.
“I knew I was right,” I said. “I went through it. Trust me, Cass, I went through it.”
“I didn’t mean to doubt you,” he said. “I just … imagine you’re me. You hear that. What would you do?”
“Probably the same thing you did,” I said.
“Minus the jail time. You don’t seem the type.”
“Judging again,” I said.
Cass flipped open the lid to the doughnut box. “Feast, darlin’.”
He had picked all my favorites without knowing it. Glazed, chocolate glazed, Boston cream, and powdered.
A man after my own heart.
A man who had a baby with my best friend.
“I didn’t just come here to bring you doughnuts,” Cass said.
“Right.”
“I wanted to apologize for what happened. You drove all that way and it must have been a hard thing to do. To just walk up to a stranger and say that.”
“Yeah.”
“I need you to understand that shit like that happens to me,” he said. “I’m not bragging or anything, okay? But every once in a while, I get someone that shows up and wants to talk about my past. I hate to even ask this, but do you know who I am?”
“I know you were the guy my best friend was obsessed with.”
I saw his face drop again. “Right. Well, before that, I was a guitarist for several bands. I was borderline famous. I toured, made money, and hung it all up to become a tattoo artist. Sometimes I get reporters that linger to find out stories of the past. I toured with some pretty big names. So when a pretty woman shows up and starts poking at my past …”
Did he just call me pretty?
I shook my head.
“It wasn’t about music,” I said.
“That’s what made it worse,” he said. “You ripped into my past. You told me I had a kid.”
“A baby,” I said. “Not a kid. Trust me. She’s upstairs taking her afternoon nap. This isn’t the easiest thing in the world for me either.”
“That’s why I’m here,” Cass said. “To try and make sense of it.”
“I think it’s pretty simple. You and Scarlett slept together. She got pregnant. Then she passed away. An accident.”
“You said a car accident?”
“Yeah. She—”
“I don’t want to hear it right now,” Cass said. He backed away from the table. “I … I don’t know why I feel like I have to explain myself but I didn’t bail on her. I didn’t just have a one night stand. Or at least I didn’t plan on it happening. I woke up and she was gone. I never heard from her again.”
Inside me, I felt a little rumble of jealousy. Over Scarlett. The same jealousy I always felt when she hooked up with hot guys and I was left in the dust. If I had a chance to sleep with Cass, I sure as hell would never run away. I would stay right in that bed until …
If I had a chance?
I shook the thought away. “Want to see a picture?”
“Of the baby? Yeah.”
I reached for my bag.
My mind was still coming to grips with how twisted my day had become.
Cass was standing at my dining room table.
And he was about to see a picture of his daughter for the first time.
Cass
NOW
When the curtains opened and I saw tens of thousands of fans cheering, there was a one-second moment when I felt like I wouldn’t be able to play guitar. But my hands always did their job. My mind forgot about the people. For me, I played each show as though I was in the garage, just jamming. It was the same way I did tattoos. The pressure of not fucking up was pretty intense. But to me, I was just sketching something.
Those moments of stopping time and absorbing fear and adrenaline were few and far between.
Those feelings hadn’t eased from the second I pressed the doorbell to Diem’s house. I fully expected to see her with her boyfriend or husband. I couldn’t imagine her living alone. Let alone the fact that she was raising a baby—my baby—alone?
She was prettier than I remembered. My eyes danced up and down her body any chance she looked away from me. I didn’t see a single picture in the house that told me she was a taken woman. It felt wrong to just come out and ask something of that nature, considering the circumstances.
Now she reached into her bag and pulled out a picture.
She spoke words that put me on a new path in life.
“Here she is, Cass,” Diem said. “This is Paisley. This is your daughter.”
I took the picture and stared at it. It was of a beautiful baby girl. The biggest blue eyes ever. The only time I saw eyes like that … Scarlett. Her cheeks were rosy and rounded. Her little button nose and lips were precious. The smile was what did me in. I never gave a damn about kids or babies. I never had a reason to. But this baby …
My thumb slid across the picture as though I’d feel the baby’s soft skin.
I sucked in an emotional breath, my mind still trying to really process all this new information. All of this stuff happening in the background. Scarlett pregnant while I was out on the road, trying to chase away her memory. Giving birth, alone. Starting to raise this little girl, alone. And then her life coming to a tragic end that I was way too familiar with.
I looked up from the picture and saw Diem staring at me.
“Beautiful,” I whispered.
“I know she is,” Diem said.
No, darlin’. You are too.
I gave the picture back to Diem but she pushed her hand against mine. “You keep that, Cass. If you want it. I know it’s a lot right now.”
“I’d love to have this.”
My heart was doing some kind of twisty thing. I half-wanted to cry a little. I half-wanted to explode in anger. My old man left and never came back. He would send birthday cards on the wrong dates with the wrong ages. All the cards were empty. Some not even signed. He did nothing to even pretend to participate in my life. And for the last how many months now I had been on that same path. Missing everything. From the first pregnancy test to the first time hearing her little lungs let out a scream.
I fucking missed it all.
I wanted to be angry at Scarlett, but she was gone.
There was only Diem.
“I have something else,” Diem said. “I hope this isn’t … well, I don’t know. My worst case thing.”
“What is it?” I asked.
Diem went to her bag again and pulled out a folder. “I did a little research. Talked to my lawyer.”
“Lawyer?” I asked.
“Cass, this is a serious situation. I’m not related to Paisley at all. I’m her mother’s best friend. Scarlett had no other family, so as of now I have custody of Paisley. But that’s not a permanent thing right now. Truthfully? You have precedent over me. I might be a fool for tracking you down. Getting you involved. You could basically just take her from me.”
“I would never—”
“Just, stop,” Diem cut me off. She tossed me the folder. “This is for a paternity test. You and Paisley just need to submit samples.”
“Why?”
“To prove you’re the father,” Diem said. “You said it yourself, sometimes people bother you, right?”
“Darlin’, people bother to find out what rock stars shot up heroin on the road. But showing up to tell me I have a baby? That’s new to me.” I shut the folder. “I don’t need this.”
“No?”
“I believe you,” I said. “I see it on her face. That’s my daughter.”
It felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
“I have a daughter,” I said.
“Yes, she’s yours,” Diem said. “I just wanted Paisley to maybe have that chance.”
I put my hand up. “Diem, I’m almost speechless right now. I need a minute here to really catch my breath.”
“Yeah, go for it.”
I looked at the picture again.
Then I heard crying. It was a faint whine. As I slowly lifted my head, Diem rushed to a baby monitor.
“She’s up,” she said. “Sometimes she naps for a few hours. Sometimes not. I guess today is a quick nap day. She’ll crash earlier tonight though. Do you want to come upstairs? Meet your daughter?”
Those three words put me over the edge.
I tucked the picture Diem gave me into my back pocket. “I’m a mess right now. She deserves better than this.”
“She’s a baby. Your presence is all that matters.”
“You brought me in to this,” I blurted out.
Diem gasped. “I did what? You fucked Scarlett. Not me!”
“I’m not going to argue with you again. I should have called you. You should have called me. This is a lot.”
“So is babysitting one night and becoming Mom the next day.”
“No,” I said. “You don’t get to dump that on me. I’m sorry that happened to you. But I need to go, Diem. I’m so sorry. I need to catch my breath. Collect my thoughts.”
“Your daughter is upstairs crying,” she threw at me. “And you’re going to walk away?”
“I’m not walking away,” I growled. “I just need a second.”
“What about me?” Diem yelled.
The baby cried louder.
I didn’t say a word.
That was probably the worst thing I could have done.
The look on Diem’s face would forever be plastered in my memory. She looked deflated. Let down. That I had hurt her.
She grabbed the baby monitor and stormed by me. “Just shut the door when you leave. Asshole.”
I looked around the house one more time.
“Diem. Wait.”
“What?”
“Are you doing this alone?”
“No, I have secret little elves that help out. They only come out at night.”
“You know what I mean,” I said. “Are you … single?”
Diem scoffed. “Single. Yeah, Cass, I’m single. Trust me, the second I ended up with a baby, everyone took off. But you know what? I’d never say that to Paisley. Because she’s worth it all. And I know now I did the right thing by contacting you. The hero I thought you were was just a lie. I don’t need lies in my life. I have enough to deal with.”
Diem walked up the steps and was gone.
I could have stayed. I could have met my daughter.
Maybe I was an asshole.
Or maybe I just didn’t want to be a bad father.
Tate climbed up next to me at the bar. “You never miss a day at the shop.”
“I have the day off,” I said.
I grabbed for my beer and Tate put his big paw over the top and pushed it down. “You’re always there.” He took his hand away. “Heard you got picked up for wailing on Dirt.”
“Nothing he didn’t have coming.”
“Right. What else is going on?”
“Nothing.”
“When Pecker calls me to come get one of my guys …”
“You did this?” I asked, looking at Pecker.
“
You’ve been sitting here for hours.”
“I’m a paying customer.”
“I’ve known you long enough, Cass,” Pecker said. “When you’re out of your mind, you get drunk fast. But to sit here and drink two beers, something bad is going on. Something deep. Something at your soul.”
I gritted my teeth and stood up. I grabbed the picture of Paisley out of my back pocket and threw it down to the bar.
There were a few seconds of silence that passed by.
Tate was the first one to grab the picture. “And who is this?”
“My daughter.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Her name’s Paisley.”
“So the pretty woman at the bar,” Pecker said. “That was an old flame looking to tell you something.”
“No,” I said. “It gets even more fucked. That woman that was here? Her best friend is Paisley’s mother.”
“Why is it her fucking business telling you this?” Tate asked.
“Because Paisley’s mother is dead,” I said. “And that woman, Diem, she’s raising Paisley. She wanted to give me a chance to see if I wanted to be a father.”
“Getting arrested probably gave a real good image,” Tate said.
“Ah, shit,” Pecker said. He threw a towel on the bar. “That’s why you asked me about being a father?”
“I went up there today,” I said. “That’s how I got the picture. The baby was sleeping. She woke up and I left. Didn’t even get to meet her.”
“Why not?” Tate asked.
“Because I’m an asshole,” I said, remembering Diem’s words. “Simple as that. What kind of fucking father would I be?”
Tate stood up. He grabbed my beer mug and shoved it toward Pecker. He took out a twenty and put it on the bar. “His tab is closed, Pecker.”
“Hey, fuck you, Tate,” I said. “You can try and boss me around in the shop—”
Tate grabbed my shirt. “You need to think about what you’re fucking doing here. You have a kid. That’s your responsibility.”
I smashed my fists to Tate’s arm, breaking his hold. I pushed at him. “You think I don’t get that? She was the only one I felt something for since—” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. This isn’t your fucking business, Tate. Or yours, Pecker. This is my decision.”
“And the woman who is raising that baby now? What about her?”
She’s beautiful. You should see her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I didn’t want to be a second away from her. She stirred up more feelings in five minutes that anyone has come close to in five years, including Scarlett. And I fell in love with Scarlett in one night. What would happen in one night with Diem?