by London Casey
I was falling for Cass but I feared he was falling for someone that wasn’t me.
Paisley was asleep in her crib. She was in PJ’s, smelled clean, and survived the night. Cass’s mother was on the couch, watching some home renovation show. She had her feet up on the coffee table with a can beer in her hand.
Grandma.
Not the kind you’d see in commercials cooking a turkey dinner, that was for sure.
The first thing she did was look at the clock and made a comment that we were home too early.
“You used to get pissed when I would leave the house,” Cass said.
“That was a lifetime ago,” Barb said. “And I would only get pissed when you’d come home at four in the morning.”
“How was the baby, Ma?”
“Perfect,” she said.
I was coming down the stairs as I heard the conversation. I went outside and found my gym bag in the car. It had a full change of clothes. Panties and all.
I thanked Barb for watching Paisley and went back upstairs and into the nursery. I stood there, waiting for Cass. Truthfully, I just wanted to grab Paisley and go back home.
But what kind of home was it?
It was a house. Not a home. I bought it with the intention of creating wealth and equity. All that dork stuff I took way too seriously. Scarlett lived with whatever cash she had in her pocket. She swiped credit cards by shutting her eyes and praying to whatever she believed in that the transaction would go through.
I had to stop with the Scarlett stuff but it was hard when you were raising her daughter. When people said Paisley was my daughter, it left me empty. I had hoped to become her mother, legally or whatever, but I didn’t know if that would ever happen. And even still, what would happen when Paisley got older and realized I wasn’t her birth mother?
“You look too much in thought to be in a nursery.”
Cass scared me. He was lucky I didn’t scream.
“No, just tired,” I said, as though I was on repeat and could only say that. “Just waiting for you to figure out where I’m sleeping.”
“Darlin’, you’re sleeping in my bed.”
I looked at him. “Cass …”
“I will sleep in the guest room,” he said. “I have a room for you but the master is more comfortable.”
“I’m sorry for all of this,” I said.
“Hey,” he whispered. “Let’s take this somewhere else. Say goodnight to your little girl and come with me.”
We stood there, shoulder to shoulder, like real parents, and each said goodnight to Paisley. His hand started to touch mine but I pulled mine away. I did, casually, making it seem like I didn’t feel him.
I felt him.
I wanted him.
In the hallway, I pointed to the doors. “Which one is my room?”
“The master at the end of the hall,” he said.
“No, Cass. I’m not coming here to invade you.”
“Too late for that, darlin’,” he said with a grin.
Fuck, why did he have to be so handsome?
“Please,” I said.
Cass reached beyond me, putting his body against mine. He opened a door. “This one. It’s a spare bedroom.”
“It’s Diem’s room,” I said, wanting to lighten the mood.
I walked into the room but Cass was right there with me. His hands grabbed my hips and he put me against a wall. I let out a gasp. I stared up into his eyes.
“Your room is at the end of this hallway,” he said. “You’ll get that soon enough, Diem. Whatever you’re holding onto, I need you to figure something out. Either let it go, let it out, and find a way to do something with it.”
“Goodnight, Cass,” I whispered. “Thank you for tonight.”
“Trust me, darlin’, the pleasure was all mine,” he said. As if he couldn’t get any hotter, he leaned down as though he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. Instead, he put his lips to my ear. “I still taste you on my lips, Diem.”
Cass left the bedroom and I was still stuck to the wall.
I was in shock.
Everything he did shocked me.
I managed to shut the door and climb into the comfortable bed.
But I couldn’t sleep.
I kept thinking about Scarlett. About Paisley.
About Cass.
He had touched me and tasted me in a way I’m not sure any man had done. He tattooed me. He was changing me every time we were together.
But I had to be careful. I had to be guarded.
I had to go home … and stay there … put distance between me and Cass before it got any crazier.
Diem
YEARS AGO
The back porch was a dump. When you walked on it, the wood gave way like it was made of rubber. Chunks of wood were missing, making it impossible to walk in anything but shoes at the risk of one of those damned slivers. I hated those things. And the last thing I needed was Bill or Tammy poking at my book with a needle.
Bill and Tammy were my new parents.
At least for now.
I was completing another one of my usual rounds of house to house. A few months here, a few months there. One time I had a six month stint that went through Christmas, but it came to an end when the couple decided to get divorced. As if being pushed from family to family wasn’t bad enough, I now caused a divorce.
Oh, not to mention what happened to my parents.
The railing had thick chips of blue paint on it. The pillars were rotted and I wondered how the roof over the porch was even holding up. There was a rusted tricycle in the corner along with a faded green turtle sandbox. I dared to get too close and it smelled like cat pee and poop. So it had become a glorified litter box. There was a plastic kitchen tilted too on its side. One of the cabinets were open and I didn’t dare open the other. Not to mention everything was missing from the toy. That was okay though, I was used to having nothing but my bags. A bag of clothes and a bag of toys. I had to make sure whatever toys I fell in love with were ones that could be packed quick could be carried. I had a bike at my last family. It had a bell and streamers. It was such a cool bike. But that had to stay behind.
I touched the railing and peeled a chunk of paint off before I flicked it away. I watched it flutter to the dead grass in the small backyard. There was a wooden fence that had seen much better days. This row home faced a whole bunch of row homes. Like one common backyard but everyone seemed to have a fence put up.
It was a shit hole. I couldn’t say that out loud. I was too young to curse. Not too young to lose my parents. Not too young to bounce from family to family. Not too young to worry about my own safety, food, money. But definitely too young to say the word shit. But not in my mind. That was a powerful lesson for me to learn. That my mind—
“Hey, you.”
I turned my head and saw a girl standing at the wooden divider that separated my porch and her porch. Something told me that the only reason the back porch was standing was because we all shared it. Sort of like the row homes themselves.
“Hey,” I said.
The girl was pretty. Like, super really pretty. Long blonde hair. A natural beauty that made her look older than she probably was. She was even wearing lipstick! And her shirt—she had boobs.
I was too young for that too.
“Who are you?” she asked.
“Diem. I just moved here.”
“Bill and Tammy gone?”
“No. Foster care.”
“Oh, yeah. Me too.” She put her hand out. “I’m Scarlett.”
I shook her hand. “Are you wearing lipstick?”
“Yeah. Want some?”
“No thanks.”
“I found it under my bed. Whoever had been there before me. Nice score, right?”
“Sure.”
Scarlet swung her legs one at a time over the railing and was then standing close to me. She was wearing some kind of spray too. Something flowery. Her eyes were a crystal blue color. I mean, she was dangerously bea
utiful. It made me feel even more ugly. I touched my glasses, hating them so much.
My eyes moved down her body again, feeling dumb as I did so.
“What’s wrong?” Scarlett asked.
“You … your shirt.”
“What’s on it?” she asked. She looked at her shirt. “I don’t see anything.”
“You have boobs,” I whispered, my cheeks turning red.
“Oh, that? They’re fake.”
“They’re what?”
Scarlett laughed. “I found a small bra and put tissues in it. My old sister—Jane—she told me that’s what people did. So I’m trying it out. What do you think?”
That was my introduction to Scarlett. Watching her turn and stick her chest out. We weren’t even old enough to know what boobs really were, even though some girls our age had them and were starting to get their periods. We knew nothing. Except we had been put through hell.
Tammy came outside and told me she needed me.
Scarlett and I made a promise to meet again that night after everyone was asleep. If I could sneak a flashlight she could sneak snacks.
It was right around midnight when I snuck out of my new house with a flashlight.
Scarlett was there. The snacks? Plain crackers and a small bottle of something that smelled like cough medicine. I ate some crackers but didn’t touch the drink.
We sat there and talked like old friends. She was so opposite of me. She would forever be opposite of me.
“Why are you here?” I finally asked her. “I mean—what happened …”
Scarlett shrugged her shoulders. “I never knew my daddy. He was long gone before I was born. I heard someone say that he banged and ran, whatever that means. But my mommy didn’t like the cops. They were always bothering her. It was weird. I don’t remember a whole lot though. Something bad happened. A cop—a nice cop—came to get me one night. Mommy was having this party. I guess it was a bad party. So she had to go to jail for a really long time. That’s when I met some new families. Good, bad, weird. I got here a year ago. They’re okay here. Some kids come and go. I’m used to it. I’ll never call them Mom and Dad. I just don’t have parents.”
Scarlett hung her head. She tried to put the stinky bottle to her lips. I grabbed it away. It was the first of many times I’d save her from drinking and making bad decisions.
“You don’t have to hide,” I said. “I know how it feels. My—my parents are … dead.”
I had never said that out loud before. Especially to someone who was basically a stranger.
The first thing Scarlett did was jump at me. She knocked the bottle of whatever over and it stunk really bad. But we hugged each other. Tight. It was the most honest hug I had ever gotten in my life.
“Can you tell me what happened?” she asked.
She broke away from me. She stared at me.
“My house burned down,” I said, my voice already cracking.
“No,” Scarlett said.
“I woke up and there was this smell of smoke. I was so confused. I kept trying to go back to sleep. But then something happened. Someone grabbed me. Someone carried me out of the house. I tucked my head into their chest. I thought it was my dad. He would always save me, you know? But then I was outside, in the yard. The house was completely filled with fire. I looked back and it wasn’t my father. It was someone else. The person had a hood up. The person ran toward my house again. I never saw the person again. I never saw my parents again. They—”
Scarlett jumped at me again. We hugged for what felt like hours.
I would have stayed there all night with her.
Scarlett then said, “I need us to make a promise.”
“A promise?”
“We’re best friends now,” she said. “We know each other’s secrets. I had a best friend but she’s a whore.”
I gasped. “What?”
“She stole my boyfriend. He was super cute too. She has real boobs.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So make me a promise. Right now, Diem.”
“What?”
“No boys between us. Ever. In a million years.”
I smiled. “Scarlett, I don’t think we’ll ever have that problem. Look at me. Look at you.”
“Stop,” she said. “Just promise me, no boys between us. You’ll never steal my boyfriend.”
“Okay, fine, yeah. I’ll never steal your boyfriend.”
“Good,” Scarlett said. “Now we’re really best friends.”
We hugged one more time.
The backdoor opened with a loud groan.
We were busted.
“What are you doing out here?” Tammy asked, in a growling whisper. “Is that—I smell alcohol. Are you drinking?”
“No,” I said. “I swear. I’m not drinking.”
“Scarlett, go home,” Tammy snapped. “Go the hell home right now.”
Scarlett jumped the railing and snuck back home.
I stood up and faced Tammy. “I wasn’t drinking.”
“Diem, this is not how we do things here,” Tammy said. “Bill finds this and he’s going to beat your ass.”
The relationship with Bill and Tammy came to an end six months later, after Bill and his ass beating abilities went too far and he left Tammy unable to open her eyes for weeks. But the relationship with Scarlett? That was going to be forever.
And I never forgot about the promise I made to her.
Cass
NOW
I finished up my last tattoo of the day. I got my shit straightened up and hooked my leather jacket to my finger and threw it over my shoulder. I looked at the pictures of Paisley on the mirror. They were growing by the day it seemed. Diem surprised me with a bunch of pictures she had taken. That was right before she grabbed my daughter, thanked my mother for helping, and took the hell off.
With my free hand I touched the chair and thought about what happened in that chair. What more I wanted of Diem. This thing was turning seriously real for me. She was pulling away though. I understood it. The past was a big part of it all. Amazing how the past had nothing to do with me and Diem yet it was tearing us apart.
I left my office and saw Prick in the hallway.
“Hey, brother,” he said. “How’s the family?”
“Great,” I said.
“Bullshit. You’re still green in the face over this shit.”
“So then why ask?”
“Curious,” Prick said. “I’m not used to this side of you.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re usually shuffling beautiful women all around this place.”
“I still do,” I said. “Just business.”
“Nothing personal.”
“Even that other stuff was business,” I said with a grin.
Prick laughed. “Well, man, that baby is cute. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I have no clue,” I said. “But I’m learning. The distance sucks.”
“It’s only an hour.”
“Feels like more than that. Especially when I get home and it’s empty. But there’s this smell of her.”
“The baby or the woman?” Prick asked. He walked by me and grabbed my shoulder. “Be careful, Cass.”
I preferred being outside and on my motorcycle. I left the mix of music and the buzz of tattoo needles behind me. I felt like swinging by Little Mikey’s for a few beers to chase away the feeling inside me. I needed to call Diem and put her on the spot. We needed a damn plan.
I skipped Little Mikey’s though and went straight home. I had no business drowning myself at a bar. I could do that at home.
Only when I got home, I wasn’t alone.
“Ma?” I asked, already knowing she was there because her rental car was still in my driveway. “I thought you were leaving.”
“I stayed another day.”
“Why?”
“Sit,” she said. “We need to talk. I’ve been digesting all of this.”
“Your flight, though, you c
an’t keep canceling it. You’re costing me a fortune.”
“I’m worth it,” she said.
She was supposed to stay one night. That turned into more. She would drive to see Paisley and it bothered me if she was bothering Diem. Neither me or Diem had told Ma the truth of things.
“I have to get something off my chest,” Ma said.
“Go for it,” I said. I tossed my coat over a chair and went to the fridge for a beer.
“I would never say this to Diem but that baby … I see you, Cass. Oh, I see you. But I see someone else. And it’s not Diem. Am I right?”
“Ah, shit,” I said.
“I’m your mother. Don’t I get the truth?”
“Okay. Fine. The truth.” I pulled out a chair and sat down. “Paisley isn’t Diem’s daughter. Not by blood. She didn’t give birth to Paisley.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Ma said. “Explain that one.”
“I met a woman. When I was on the road.”
“Dammit, Cass,” Ma growled.
“I didn’t know she got pregnant. She hid it from me. I’m not okay with that either. Just for the record. Scarlett and Diem are best friends.”
“Scarlett is Paisley’s mother?”
“Yes,” I said.
“So where is she now? Huh?”
I reached for Ma’s hand. “Calm down, Ma. Scarlett passed away.”
Ma’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“Diem has been raising Paisley on her own. She finally decided to track me down. I guess Scarlett told her I was Paisley’s father. So she found me and here I am. Trying to make sense of this. Trying to be a father. Trying to figure out how I feel about missing what I did. Trying to figure out—”
“How you feel about Diem,” Ma said. “You feel guilty, don’t you?”
“I don’t know why,” I said. “Scarlett made her decision. She’s gone now too. I guess maybe if she was alive and just a bad person …”
“There’s always the question of what could have been,” Ma said.
“But the thing is, I don’t want that mixed in this,” I said. “Diem has been doing the job… I can’t even imagine it. There’s legal stuff with all of this too. She’s constantly worried she’s going to lose Paisley. She lost friends, a boyfriend took off on her. I kind of want make it up to both of them. Paisley and Diem. You know?”
“My son, with a heart,” Ma said. “I can’t believe I’m seeing this.”