by Leta Blake
Eventually, Caleb turned from the view.
“I loved him,” Caleb said as he walked slowly toward Xan and took hold of his hand. “Philia love, of course. As always. Brotherly love. But not as profoundly as I love you.”
“All right.”
“But, at the time, I thought I might grow to care for him as deeply.”
Xan tugged him onto the mattress and cuddled him close, both of them stretching out and getting under the blankets. Caleb shook against his body, chilled from the window and clearly rattled by old emotions.
“It was humiliating,” Caleb whispered. “When he didn’t bring it all up right away after we arrived, I decided to pretend it never happened. I thought he might be willing to play along. But then I realized he just wanted to needle me with it constantly and call the cruelties nothing more than flirtation.”
Xan considered offering up Janus’s apologies and assurances, but he held them back, a rare otherworldly certainty descending. He should give Caleb the space to share his story and feelings first.
“I didn’t love him the way I love you,” Caleb said again.
“All right,” Xan repeated softly. The alpha in him wanted to cover Caleb completely and rub his scent all over, assert his dominance over him until slick began to slip from his hole. He also knew that would never happen. Caleb only produced slick during heat, and never in response to another person. He didn’t experience attraction.
And Xan wasn’t attracted to him anyway. But whatever instincts he still had—even as an utter failure of an alpha—made him want to comfort Caleb in the way an alpha would. He almost laughed to himself; it would only make things so much worse. Besides, who was he to judge Caleb’s past entanglements? After the horrors of his own?
“I knew he was your cousin when we contracted. I planned to tell you about it then, but he was never at any of the family dinners. I was grateful for that and let myself believe that your families weren’t close. So when you started coming home from your father’s office with complaints about Janus returning from some sort of exile to suck up to your father, I was horrified. And then…” Caleb’s voice broke. “This is hard.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m so sorry, Xan.”
“It’s all right.”
“It’s not. Because when your father said we weren’t to come to any family dinners anymore, I was relieved. I didn’t want to see him again.”
Shoving aside the prick of betrayal, Xan stayed on course. “Did he hurt you? Janus?”
“Not physically. And, to be fair, if I was hurt it was my own fault. He never pretended to be anything other than who and what he was, and apparently still is.” Caleb sighed and snuggled in closer, scenting along Xan’s neck for comfort.
Xan stroked a hand up and down his back. “You can tell me. I won’t be angry.” With you. As for Janus, well, he wouldn’t promise that.
“I met him at a Philia soirée. He spotted me hiding in a corner, like he said. It was my second year out and my parents were set on finding an alpha for me. Janus didn’t seem to care about my father’s addiction or loss of fortune. He was funny and full of gossip. He pulled me in simply by coming around and refusing to leave.”
“If I recall correctly, I used a similar tactic.”
“You did. But unlike Janus, you had a good heart.” Caleb kissed Xan’s chest and then rubbed his cheek on his shirt. “I let him in. I laughed at his jokes. I allowed him to call on me at home. I took his phone calls. And while I didn’t feel attraction for him—I never do—I felt warm and hopeful. I felt something. And that feeling allowed me to think I could tell him the truth.”
Xan went cold. “He knows about you?”
“He hinted one day that he wanted to contract. It wasn’t an actual proposal, but another inch in that direction. I went to my bed that night and tried to imagine letting him touch me, kiss me…. Fuck me.”
Xan kissed Caleb’s hair. His heart squeezed.
“I didn’t want that. But I did want—remember I didn’t know about you, that I would meet you and we could make a good life.”
“It’s all right,” Xan reassured him. “You know I did things with others in the past. Felt things for other men, and still do.” He missed Urho so fiercely in that moment. He wished he could throw himself into Urho’s arms and be comforted. But no, Caleb was his friend—his family—and Xan had to be strong.
“I imagined a future with him. A home, friends, and a life. I’d had one heat already at that point, so I knew I’d be willing when that time came. But the idea of being with him outside of heat was horrible to me.” Caleb shuddered like he did every time he thought about having sex with someone else. “Still, I hoped.”
“You hoped he loved you for you. Or could.” Xan knew. He’d been there. Wolf-hell, he was there now with Urho. Could the man really love him? Or was their bond going to be purely physical? He shook the questions from his mind, returning his focus to Caleb.
“Yes. I was sure I’d be alone forever. I wanted to believe that all the things he told me—that I was everything he imagined in a contracted omega, that I was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, and that he adored me—could be true. So when he came around again the next week, I took him out into my pater’s garden, and I told him the truth.” Caleb’s voice hitched.
“He spurned you.”
“He was kind enough in the moment. But, yes, he said that wasn’t the kind of life he could stand to live. He never called me or came around again. It was humiliating. I saw him at Philia parties and he ignored me. He treated me like I was nothing. No one.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Then he left the city for a long time and I thought that was the end of him. Until I met you. I knew he was your cousin, but he never came up in conversations and when I met your family he wasn’t discussed. I hoped he was someone I might see only once in a while at larger family functions, and hopefully after you and I had produced several beautiful children that I could parade in front of him. And I’d hoped he’d believe that with you at least I didn’t suffer from this weird affliction.”
“It’s not an affliction. It’s just who you are, Caleb. We aren’t all the same.”
“We both know that in this world, that’s not true. We’re both afflicted—you with taboo desires and me with an unacceptable lack of any desire at all.”
Xan thought of his cousin, pie smeared all over his face, and his confused, stunned expression as Caleb had stalked out. “You should have seen him,” he said, overcome with a giggle. “He looked so ridiculous. And he tried to play if off, but I could tell you’d put him in his place.”
“I wasn’t about to let him put a finger on you,” Caleb said fiercely.
“I could have held my own.”
Caleb made a noncommittal sound.
“You don’t think I would have won?”
“I think you’re brave. And like most alphas short sighted. He’s got several years and many pounds on you. I can’t remember the last time you pushed yourself physically beyond a game of ball with Jason now and again. How you remain so fit-looking is beyond me.”
“I have training in fighting skills.”
“Rusty skills left over from Mont Nessadare. Compare that to your cousin who runs on the beach every morning, lifts weights at the local gymnasium, and engages in wrestling matches on the weekends at the gentlemen’s club. I had reason to be worried. But I also knew he’d never strike an omega and that I had the advantage of surprise on my side.”
“How do you know all this about him?”
“He brags about it, darling. Don’t you listen?”
“I try to tune him out when we aren’t at work.” Xan didn’t add that his mind was usually occupied with Urho and turning over whatever conversations they had most recently engaged in.
He could entertain himself for hours doing that—thinking of Urho’s chuckle, or the small strain that would come into his voice when he was aroused, or the one time he’d felt sufficie
ntly safe to jerk off with him over the phone, and Urho had grunted Xan’s name when he came. That had been a particularly wonderful conversation and he’d gotten a great deal of fantasy mileage out of it for nearly a week and a half.
“Over breakfast just this morning he suggested you go with him this weekend to the gentlemen’s club to meet the more prominent alphas and their omegas. Something about there being a new member of the club and an upcoming match worth betting on.”
Xan scoffed.
“Not that it doesn’t pain me to credit anything your cousin suggests, but maybe you should consider going to the club with him. That’s where you’ll meet the sort of men your father admires, and perhaps turn them into future clients for the business.”
Xan wrinkled his nose. “Being near him is its own punishment, but soon Urho will be here, and leaving him to go with Janus to some ghastly gentlemen’s club, especially when that will be the only time I can be sure Janus is out of the house and not spying for Father, seems too cruel.”
Caleb lifted up onto an elbow, gazing down at Xan. “Urho will be here for some time, and there’s no reason you can’t take him with you. The club isn’t far from the house and surely he’s not going to be a prisoner here waiting for Vale and Jason’s babe to be born.”
Xan laughed. “I suppose you’re right.”
“And you don’t have to go with Janus. You could just go when it suits your schedule. All I’m saying is that Janus is making connections in town while you’re spending evenings here on the phone with Urho, or lounging in my room thinking about Urho, or walking on the beach dreaming of Urho, or—”
“All right, all right! I get it!” Xan chuckled. “You’re right, of course. As usual.”
“Now, about Janus…” Caleb pushed his hair behind his ears and chewed on his bottom lip.
“I will call Father and tell him that Janus can’t stay here. That you have a history with him that’s far too painful for you—”
“No. I don’t want anyone to know. That must stay between us.”
“Fair enough. But it will make it harder to explain to Father what it is about Janus that bothers you. I can say that he flirts with you, but then Father will wonder why I don’t put and end to that myself. He’ll bring up my failures as an alpha and we’ll end up down some miserable path where I’m a horrible disappointment and he’s a nightmare, and you’re still stuck with Janus here reminding you of things you’d rather forget.”
“I think the solution is for me to move past my bruised ego. If Janus wants to flirt with me, why should I get upset about that? It means nothing in the scheme of our lives. It was years ago now that he shamed me and I’m happy with you now, planning a future, coming up on a heat that has every reason to be a successful one. I’m eager to start our family. Why should his barbs and teasing dig into my skin so deeply? I resolve to no longer let them.”
“Perhaps you still care for him,” Xan ventured carefully, both for Caleb’s sake and to make sure his own possessive alpha response wouldn’t destroy the potential for truth.
“No. He’s handsome and I used to find him funny years ago, but all that remains now is hurt. He saw me in a very vulnerable moment and whenever I look at him I want to show him that I’m strong now. That I’m not that boy he left crying in the garden.”
“You’re definitely a better man than he is. Handsome, strong, determined, loyal, and so much more. He missed out. And I got very lucky.”
Caleb snuggled him again, kissing his chest and scenting his neck. “We both got lucky. You love me just the way I am, and I love you too. More than you know. It doesn’t have to be romantic love to be worthy. We’re family, and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. So, alpha mine, let’s both resolve not to let Janus get to us anymore.”
The rising moon shining through the windows caressed the room. For once, Xan let himself drift off to sleep in Caleb’s bed, holding his omega close and taking comfort in his sweet presence.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Urho glanced over his shoulder at Jason and Vale in the back seat. The roads from the train station in Virona weren’t paved, and the ruts had them all jolting all over the place. The old driver didn’t seem to mind, obviously accustomed to it.
“We should have told him when we were arriving,” Vale said. “He’ll be annoyed when we simply show up.”
“Xan won’t care at all,” Urho said. “He’ll just be excited to see us.” Especially me. I hope. As they got closer, ridiculous insecurities nagged at him.
“I didn’t mean Xan. I meant Caleb. As omega, he oversees the house. He’ll be embarrassed if they aren’t ready for us when we arrive.”
“They know it’s sometime today,” Jason soothed. “And we did try to reach them by phone, but the lines were busy.”
Vale shifted in the seat, his stomach distorting the lines of his clothes. Urho smiled to see Jason reach out and touch his shifting belly, a happy lift to his lips. “Is he traveling all right?” Jason asked. “He’s moving now, but it seems like he’s been awfully quiet today.”
“I think the motion of the train lulled him to sleep,” Vale said, putting a fond hand over top of Jason’s. “And now these potholes have woken him.” He hissed and squirmed. “Don’t stand on my bladder,” he muttered darkly at his stomach. “You’d better be cute when you come out.”
Jason laughed just as Zephyr screeched from the cat carrier at their feet. Vale had insisted on bringing her instead of sending her away to the cattery. Urho turned back to face the front, nodding at the beta driver, and remembering how Vale’s green eyes had filled with tears. “I can’t leave him there for months!” he’d wailed, and Jason had instantly caved, packing Zephyr into a travel case and suffering only half a dozen scratches and a single bite for his efforts.
“This here’s the place,” the beta driver said, entering the gates and going up the drive that led to a gorgeous, massive house at the top of the hill. The facade was faded, but newly planted winter flowers brightened the otherwise dismal-looking mansion.
“Lofton Estate,” the man said as he came to a stop, spitting some tobacco into a cup he carried between his thighs for that purpose. “They got servants what will help with the bags. So if you want to pay up now…”
Urho found the correct amount in his wallet and offered it plus a generous tip. No harm in getting on the good side of some of the locals early on in his stay. “That’s for avoiding the potholes when you could.”
“Got an expecting omega aboard,” the man said with a grin. “Can’t let any harm come to that wee one.”
Vale groaned as Jason helped him out of the car, and Urho hung back, staring up at the house and trying to place it into the puzzle of stories Xan had told him over the phone since arriving here. The dunes below in the back and the sea sweeping away from them in green-gray, white-capped waves, had played a role in many of Xan’s babblings about walks with Caleb, or time alone, but the windows at the front of the house didn’t offer up clues as to what lay beyond them.
The driver and Urho grabbed their luggage from the trunk and placed it beside the car. Urho shook the man’s hand and then he was off just as the front door opened and a beta servant was pushed aside by Xan, who darted out with his dark curls combed neatly, and his fashionable, casual suit impeccably fit.
“You’re here!” he cried, throwing himself into Urho’s arms and hugging him like they were long-lost brothers. Urho ducked his head to take in Xan’s unique scent. A warm, settled feeling passed over him, but then Xan pulled away and turned to Jason, embracing him as well, and—more cautiously—Vale. Urho had to fist his hands to keep from reaching out and hauling Xan back into his arms.
“You’re huge!” Xan said to Vale, eyes wide. “There’s only one in there, right?”
Vale narrowed his eyes, and Xan burst into laughter. “I’m kidding. You look amazing. Are you hungry? Caleb has a big lunch put aside for you, and a ton of other options, like fresh produce from the southern regions if you’re not i
n the mood for something heavy.”
He turned to the house, smiling in the direction of the door, where Caleb stood barefoot and yet regal with his blond head held high and a welcoming smile on his face. He met Urho’s gaze with a warmth that made every doubt and lingering guilt about Urho’s relationship with Xan melt away.
Ren, the beta servant Xan had nearly bowled over, began taking their luggage inside, and a second beta came out to help him. Urho nodded absently when Ren said, “I’ll take them up to your respective rooms, sir. If there’s a mix-up of any kind, we can sort it out later. Your rooms will all be along the same hall.”
Jason ruffled Xan’s hair, and the two of them grappled playfully in the front yard, kicking up dust and laughing like pups. They’d nearly fallen to wrestling when Vale said, “Darling, I’m feeling tired.” Instantly, Jason snapped back to attentiveness, and Xan, like any alpha dealing with a pregnant omega, was all solicitousness and help.
“Let’s get you inside.” Jason grabbed the cat carrier with Zephyr in it and Xan called out, “Caleb, Vale’s tired.”
Caleb wrapped his arm around Vale’s shoulder as soon as they reached the door. “Oh, sweet thing. Let’s get your feet up and a nice heating pad for your back. Do you want some fruit and cheese? Or would soup and a sandwich be better? We also have chicken, potatoes, and—”
“Soup and sandwich please.” Vale touched his dark head to Caleb’s blond one. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I feel exactly the same,” Caleb said. “I know that we’re going to become great friends.”
Xan’s hand tentatively touching his brought Urho’s attention back to the boy beside him. Or young man. There was something in Xan’s face that looked ever so slightly more mature than when they’d last met. He looked more settled, perhaps. Urho didn’t know what it represented, but he slung an arm around Xan’s shoulder and said, “How careful do we need to be? Is your cousin home?”