by David Thorne
#1 Fortune Cookie Writer
As far as writing jobs go, this would probably be the easiest, as the pages are very small. When I was at school, I had an English teacher named Judith Bowman who would make us read a novel every few weeks and write a two-page essay on each. This would not usually be an issue, as I enjoy reading, but Mrs. Bowman loved Agatha Christie novels so would force us to read only these. As my interest in reading about French inspectors on trains is on equal par with being molested by a drunk uncle, I handed in my two-page essay on two pieces of paper measuring two-by-three centimeters each (arguing that the size of the two pages had not been indicated at any time) with the words “Reading the novel Murder on the Orient Express is” on one piece, and “less enjoyable than being molested by a drunk uncle” on the other. This did not go down as well as might have been expected, and I was forced to rewrite the essay, which this time I began with “Being forced to read Mrs. Bowman’s own personal preferences in literature is less enjoyable than being molested by a drunk uncle, which is why I chose to read Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card instead . . .” If I were a professional fortune cookie writer, among the standard messages of promised hope and riches, I would include statements such as “I am sending you this message from the future. Robots will take over in four days; leave the city immediately” and “Judith Bowman has anal warts.”
#2 Park Ranger
Sometimes when I am at work and have had enough of moving pixels around the screen, I will grab my keys, saying, “I have to go to a client meeting. I will be back in an hour,” and run out the door before anybody can question who the meeting is with. Then I go shopping for cleaning products or to a movie. If I were a park ranger I would tell everyone that I had a meeting with a sick bear or something, then go for a canoe ride.
#3 Drug Dealer
It would seem to me that being paid to provide something that makes people happy would be one of the most satisfying professions available. A while back, my mother visited a Tasmanian region where they grow opium poppies for medicinal purposes and brought me back a seed she had “found.” I planted it in my front yard and several weeks later it bloomed. Having read L. Ron Hubbard’s Mission Earth series, which included detailed instructions on processing opium, I used a scalpel to cut lines in the black center, then dried the milky substance, resulting in about half a teaspoon of white powder. That night, my friend Kas came over to my place with his entire CD collection to listen to, and we decided to try some of the powder. A short time later, with the live version of Gary Numan’s “Down in the Park” playing on loop, we were both standing completely naked in the bathroom shaving our entire bodies, following a discussion about how nice it would be to have smooth skin like an eel. I do not recall much of the rest of the evening, but I awoke to find myself wearing a pillowcase with holes cut out for my arms and head as a shirt and Kas asleep on the sofa wearing the same, plus 3D glasses. Before waking and leaving later that afternoon, Kas swapped me his entire CD collection for the remainder of the powder.
#4 Wind Turbine Technician (specializing in aerotechatrons)
Everyone loves wind turbines because they are so big and white and symbolize clean, renewable energy and environmental responsibility. I knew a girl once who had a poster of one on her wall, and when I asked if she was an environmentalist, she answered, “No, I just like them,” which is fair enough. Everyone does. I have never heard anyone say, “God, I hate wind turbines,” so if my business card said Wind Turbine Technician rather than Designer, I would probably receive the pity look a lot less. The only problem is that I would have to pretend to care about the environment. There is an old saying that “This is not our planet. We are just looking after it for our children,” but in thirty years when my offspring complains that we trashed the planet, I will say, “That’s what you get for all the crap Father’s Day presents.” Once, while talking to a girl at a bar, I lied to her about my job, telling her I was a wind turbine technician (specializing in aerotechatrons), because I was bored and thought it would be funny. After a few beers, I put my arm out to lean against the bar and my hand slipped, sending my neck into the corner of the bar and leaving me unable to breathe for a few minutes. After assuring her that I did not require medical assistance, she stated that she had to go and asked for my business card. Forgetting my deception, I handed one over, and while she stood there reading the card, frowning, I asked her out, but she said no.
#5 New Zealand Tourism Operator
This would give me plenty of spare time, as nobody wants to go there.
#6 Adult Movie Star
Being paid to do something pleasurable would be nice, so it is strange that prostitution or starring in pornographic movies is seen as a demeaning profession. While attending uni, studying the artistic equivalent of prostitution (graphic design), a female friend and I decided to make a “home video” and borrowed a large video camera with tripod from the university media department for the night. Foregoing script, we were in mid performance when my leg developed a severe cramp, and I kicked the tripod, causing the camera to topple forward and crash into the back of my head, cutting a two-inch gash. I was kept at the hospital overnight after receiving fourteen stitches and arrived home the next day to find the camera had been returned to the media department, complete with video cassette still in it. A week later, I received a letter from the media department lecturer stating that the media equipment is available only for school projects, not “C-grade pornography.”
#7 Accident Claim Investigator
Having a job where people tell you a story and you say, “I don’t think so,” seems like it would be a lot of fun. I have been in a total of three vehicle accidents. The first occurred when I was driving on a dirt road in the rain, lost control, and hit a cow. The second occurred while driving home from my friend Simon’s place. While at his house for a coffee, I attached a rubber spider on a string to the inside of his cupboard with sticky tape so that the next time he opened it to grab a coffee mug, the spider swung out at him. The reaction was more than expected: Simon screamed, threw himself backward onto the floor, and actually cried. Later that afternoon as I was driving home, I lowered the sun visor and the rubber spider, which Simon had placed there in what he felt was appropriate retaliation, fell forward onto my lap. I pressed hard on the brake and turned the steering wheel, sending the vehicle into a spin and clipping a white Mercedes before ending up in an elderly man’s front hedge. The third occurred many years ago while driving to uni one morning. A girl driving a Ford Laser pulled up at the traffic lights next to me, and I noticed she was wiping tears and looking quite angry. As there is nothing as attractive as an angry and upset female, I came up with an ingenious plan: The next time she stopped at lights, I would “accidently” tap the back of her car, then get out, talk, exchange numbers, and get married. As she was pulling to a stop, I edged forward, but she braked more suddenly than I had expected, and I slammed into the back of her car hard enough to see her head flap around like a rag doll. After pulling over, exchanging details, and offering to drive her to the hospital for the cut on her forehead, I asked her out, but she said no. On all three occasions, I was assigned an accident claim investigator.
#8 Parking Inspector
Although there would obviously be many benefits to being a parking inspector, the knowledge that every day I would be making the world a better place would be the most satisfying aspect. They would try to pay me, and I would put my hand up and say, “No, the important contribution I make to society is payment enough.”
#9 Forest Fire Lookout
As far as I can tell, the position consists entirely of sitting in a very tall cubby house, looking out the window. As you would be able to see for miles around and tell if anyone was coming, you could do anything you wanted in between reporting over the radio that you have not seen any forest fires yet. I would probably watch a lot of pornography and do drugs. When I was about ten, a friend of mine and I built a cubby house in the tallest tree in our back
yard using wooden planks stolen from the neighbor’s fence. Late one evening, while my parents were at a marriage counseling session, I was in the cubby house (as it overlooked the neighbor’s bedroom), when a strong breeze caused the cubby house to collapse, pinning me between the floor and a fallen wall. Unable to call out or move due to the crushing weight, I remained there the entire night, falling asleep at one point but waking when it started to rain, before finally being rescued the next day when the neighbor let his cat out and heard my soft cries for help. While I was at the hospital, the neighbor took back his planks.
#10 Doctor
Because nurses are easy.
Professor Thomas explains the mysteries of science
Hello, my name is Professor Thomas. People ask me many scientific questions, and I know all the answers because I have the Discovery Channel at home. Perhaps you would like to come over and watch it with me. I have a rooftop as well.
Perpetual Motion
Is perpetual motion like when you fall down a bottomless pit?
Kind of, but it’s more like when you put two ice cubes next to each other and they never melt because they just keep each other cold forever.
What if you put two ice cubes next to each other and dropped them down a bottomless pit?
They would drift apart and melt, unless you glued them, but then they wouldn’t really be touching.
Lea p Years
I like having an extra day. Why can’t we have them every year?
There is a good reason you have them only once every four years. It’s like chocolate. If you have it too often, you get too used to it, then you need to eat more. Then we’ve got too many years and everyone lives too long. This would have serious consequences on the circle of life.
Stars
There are stars born every day. People who believe in the science of stars are called Scientologists.
Tides
Sometimes the ocean water is high, but sometimes it’s low because the moon is magnetic and it attracts the water.
I thought magnets only attracted metal.
Water’s a type of metal. It is also one of the noble gases.
The Water Cycle
Water dies, then decomposers break it down into organic matter. Then it rains water seeds, and when the water seeds mix up with the decomposed water, lakes grow.
Hydrogen As a Fuel Source
Can we use alternative fuel for petrol in our cars?
Only certain cars.
Which cars?
Hydrogen is two-thirds water; so, cars that are one-third water.
Really?
Yes, because humans are 80 percent water, so we use hydrogen and not gasoline, and most cars are around 5 percent; but if the car is 20 percent or more water, then it can run on hydrogen.
Like boats?
Yes, exactly like boats.
Absolute Zero
Absolute zero is when it can’t get any colder. It could get infinitely colder, but it wouldn’t be any more cold.
Relativity
Einstein’s theory of relativity is very complicated and can be almost impossible to understand, but E=MC2 means when you go really fast, time goes slower because you get there earlier.
Black Holes
Space is like a bathtub, and you fill it with light, and black holes are where the light drains out.
Where does the light go?
It goes back into space as light-vapor, and when it condensates, that’s how a sun is formed.
So then suns are really clouds of light?
Yes, and then they rain sunshine.
25 minutes on Chatroulette is like a drill to the head
The problem with Chatroulette.com and other video-based communication is the fact that people can see you. As it takes me at least four hours just to do my hair, this is simply not practical. I generally write in tracksuit pants and a T-shirt while eating pizza, which would be unfair to the other parties to have to view. Having heard a lot about Chatroulette, I decided to have a look. For every ten video connections, eight of them were fat people playing with their penises. Apart from a couple of interesting people I met, it was possibly the most pointless website I have ever been on.
Tom’s haircut rumors proven unfounded
Rumors that Thomas takes a photo of Carol Brady to the hairdresser have been proven unfounded. Here is finally conclusive evidence that there are indeed considerable differences between the two haircuts. Tom’s hair is a shade darker and Carol’s has slightly more body—possibly due to the two using different shampoo and conditioning products—Carol uses Johnson & Johnson brand, while Thomas uses the natural oils from his body, which Lillian harvests for him using a custom-made spatula.
Note:
This page does not take into account the dimensional differences between Carol’s head and Tom’s head.
Mattel® Wednesday using the Magic 8-Ball to answer e-mails
I sent an e-mail to a friend recently, asking several different questions, and he replied with the single answer, “Yes, probably.” It was obvious that he had either not bothered reading the e-mail or could not be bothered answering my questions. The next day I replied to e-mails by using a Mattel® Magic 8-Ball™ to generate random answers.
From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9:38 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject
Have you got a typeface called Garamond Semibold? I have the Garamond and bold and italic but not the semibold. I am doing a poster for Cathy and I reckon garamond would look good.
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10:02 a.m.
To: Simon
Subject: Re: No Subject
As I see it, yes.
From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10:43 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Garamond
Which one? Yes you have the typeface or that it would look good on a poster?
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10:52 a.m.
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Garamond
Concentrate and ask again.
From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11:14 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Garamond
What the fuck? I need the typeface Garamond. Have you got it or not?
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11:18 a.m.
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Garamond
You may rely on it.
From: Simon
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11:29 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Garamond
Send me the typeface dickhead.
From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2:08 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Hey
Hey. Are you at work?
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2:25 p.m.
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: Hey
Signs point to yes.
From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2:53 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Hey
What? Can you drop over on your way home from work and help me lift a piece of glass up onto a table? It is too heavy to lift.