Apparently it was easier for people like Rochelle’s mother and Annie and, eventually, Dora to trust their intuition. Though they never actually were able to conclude, in a syllogistically sound way, that the man they had married was insane, they nevertheless had ended up acting as if they had so concluded. Though they had all three decided, after the fact, to regard certain bits of his behavior and certain physiological manifestations as evidence of his madness, it was wholly on an intuitive basis that they had reached their conclusion. After all, C. pointed out, the very same bits of behavior and physiological manifestations these three people used to prove their ex-husband’s madness, Rochelle and I had cited as evidence of his genius—the cryptic, self-denying, aphoristic utterances (which, C. reminded me, I had once regarded as “double positives” and a higher form of wisdom); the absurd ritualization of petty tasks and minor events (to me, the absurdity was admirable and was in fact the whole point); his inability to demonstrate “normal” feelings toward others (a willed characteristic, which, I had claimed, functioned mainly to make us more conscious of our “normal” feelings); his growling out loud, the “dead eyes” cited by Dora (to me, evidence of a yogic state of meditation employed by Hamilton to help him cope with deep frustration without having to resort to simple repression); and numerous other minor acts and behavior patterns. The point C. wanted to make, apparently, was that none of this was evidence that could justify our feeling one way or the other about the man. For on that level Hamilton resisted penetration or analysis. One could not confidently project oneself onto him, which, said C., is indeed as much characteristic of genius as it is of madness, for we are, none of us, one or the other. Rochelle and I, C. believed, had taken longer than the others to decide one way or the other, had continued to entertain the question, letting one ambiguous, open-ended image of him fold into another just as the first image seemed about to close, because we were probably slightly more intelligent than they, or at least were more worldly-wise in the way of paradoxes.
Up to this point I had not found it especially difficult to agree with my old friend, and actually, as the conversation progressed (it was more a monologue than a conversation), I had felt grateful to him for taking the time and thought to put the matter in this particular perspective. In my quest for an understanding of Hamilton Stark, C.’s point of view was still of value to me. The bedroom had gradually filled with a milky light, and because of the peculiar stillness, I knew that it would soon be snowing. I lay back down and propped the receiver against the pillow next to my ear and continued to listen.
But, unfortunately, this was where C. started to assert a point of view that, to my mind, not only revealed an intolerable intellectual arrogance but actually undermined his carefully stated previous position as well. Essentially, what he started to do was cite what, to him, was clear-cut evidence for the madness of Hamilton Stark, what he, C., called “a particularly virulent form of madness.” I listened with dismay as he described Hamilton’s absurd overritualization of petty tasks and acts as a compensatory device for his failure to participate any longer in his society’s “normal” social rites. Then C. went on to recall for me Hamilton’s youthful belief, “on rather suspiciously flimsy evidence,” that he had killed his own father in a quarrel. That, plus his unseemly rush to supplant his father later, after the old man’s first stroke, by taking over legal title to the property, indicated to C. the presence of a “deep and unresolved oedipal conflict.” As further evidence of this unresolved oedipal conflict, he also pointed to what he described as Hamilton’s strong need to keep his mother at a safe distance, even going so far as to “toss the old woman out into the cold” and to withhold all expressions of feeling for her, even at her death.
By now, quite frankly, I was too appalled to stop him. And thus C. went on uninterruptedly, dragging out one bit of so-called evidence after another, each time reasserting his diagnosis of “unresolved oedipal conflict,” sounding more and more like a college psych major. I could barely believe what I was hearing! There was the pattern of Hamilton’s passively aggressive stance toward the women who became his wives—why there were so many of them, C. insisted. There was his inability to declare his love for any one of them, which, conjoined with his inability to say that he did not love any one of them and his apparent belief that the only alternative to loving someone, in particular a woman, was to hate him, or, in particular, her. And then there was “that gravestone business,” as C. called it, which indicated to him that the man was by now dealing with only barely repressed desires to remove the object of his obsession, the object of his “unresolved oedipal conflict,” by wishing her dead. And so “naturally,” C. had felt a rush of concern for Dora’s welfare, for with Hamilton’s mother finally dead and buried, his dark obsession would turn to the next closest substitute, his wife, and even if she were his most recent ex-wife, she would still be the next closest substitute for his dead mother. “Murder, my friend, is always the madman’s way out of an overpowering love-hate relationship.” Hamilton was giving evidence, to C., at least, of an increasing inability to sustain any relationship at all with a woman, as shown by the increased pace of his marriages and divorces. “How can I not be deeply concerned with the welfare, even for the very life, of any woman who falls prey to the charm of his enigmatic ways and his manipulative passivity, especially now, when he seems so close to losing what little ability he has had in the past of repressing his murderous impulses?”
How, indeed? I thought sarcastically. Yes, how? Oh bitter disappointment! Oh solitude! Oh inevitable betrayal! Oh silence, exile and cunning!
“You there?”
Oh lost and by the wind grieved point of view!
“Are you still there?”
Oh deep-wounding reason! Oh overreaching Apollonian perspective!
“Hello? Operator? Anyone there? I think I’ve been cut off. Operator? I think I’ve been cut off. I think the connections broken. Operator? Is anyone there?”
Chapter 11
An End
“‘A fine setting for a fit of despair,’ it occurred to him, “‘if I were only standing here by accident instead of design.’”
—Kafka, The Castle
“Let me lie here in the snowfield and die warm.”
—Stone-People-Long-Song, Stave 12 (Abenooki Creation Epic, LaFamme and Brôlet, trans.)
THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT for me to do but return to A.’s home in the town of B., locate the man, seek him out and face him there, and gather from that confrontation the evidence and information, the data, that would let me rest easily with my having at last rejected C.’s point of view. I was extremely distressed, perhaps even desperate. Everything was either falling apart or else was about to come together. I felt that if I stayed at home this bleak morning and continued to write my novel, for instance, or cooked a ham or read a bit of Livy, by nightfall everything indeed would have fallen apart. If, on the other hand, I drove myself across the center of the state to the town of B. and scrupulously searched A.’s house and adjacent grounds, I just might be able to discover a clue to where he was, and then I could follow the clue to where he was and meet with him there, my mind racked by dread and paradox, and the meeting would somehow set me at ease again.
Surely, I thought as I lay there in my bed and slowly put the receiver back on the telephone base next to me, surely, this is the final test of my faith. Never again will I ask myself to question the very sanity of my hero, and thus my own sanity as well. Never again, I swore, would I permit myself to be so torn, so divided, so alone. By the end of this day, I would have committed myself to following and, to the best of my abilities, emulating the man, or else I would have purged myself of him forever, would have freed myself at last from the glittering beauty of his image.
Thus my desperation and dread and fatigue were mixed with a certain gladness, for I knew that after today, one way or the other, my agony of self-division would be ended. For a second I wondered if the whole thing had been engineered by A. h
imself, as a final test of my loyalty and spiritual insight. But I quickly shoved that thought away. After today I would no longer be asked to plague myself with such fearful speculation, and knowing that, I also knew that any speculation today was pointless, was but the idle habit of my deeply troubled mind. Once a divided mind foresees resolution as inevitable, it no longer has sufficient cause to be divided.
I bounded from my bed and got dressed quickly in a woolen shirt and heavy flannel trousers—after having first glanced out the window at the cold, overcast day. It hadn’t yet started to snow, but clearly it was about to. Neglecting to shave or even to brush my teeth, I hurried downstairs to the kitchen, where I sat down and laced on my boots, pulled on my overcoat, cap, and driving gloves, and walked quickly, briskly, to the garage.
By eight-fifteen I was in Concord, headed west toward the town of B. As I skirted the downtown area and began the gradual climb away from the Merrimack Valley to the Suncook just beyond, the snow started falling, scattered flakes, hard and wind-blown. They came like bits of ash at first, tiny, dry flakes, isolate, drifting slowly to the ground as if settling to the bottom of a motionless sea. Soon, though, the snow was falling in swirls and waves that blew from the roadside in powdery sprays and fantails as the car, winding downhill from the ridge west of Concord, reached the Suncook River and brushed along the road that followed the river north and west toward the narrow uplifted head of the valley, where, near the horizon, I could make out the dark gray hump of Blue Job Mountain. Here the river, where it meandered, broadened, and then slowed, was frozen from bank to bank. The ice was invisible beneath the thick blanket of old snow. Sledges, sleds, snowmobiles and people afoot had left trails, paths and tracks across the smooth white skin of the river, scribbles and doodles that, from the road, looked random and pointless. Doubtless, when they were first laid down, the tracks and trails had followed a deliberate pattern, had logically sought a goal—just as had the black, curling ribbon on the road itself, which, seen from a map, would also look random, pointless, dropped from the sky to lie however it fell, as if only accidentally tying together two distant, named points on that grid. But, in fact the road had not been randomly drawn. It had been laid down atop the still narrower, unpaved, wagon route that nineteenth-century Yankee traders had built to carry granite and lumber from the mountains to the sea, and that road in turn had been laid down atop the old market road built by eighteenth-century farmers in the valley, who, in their turn, had been following the still older footpaths that the earliest settlers had worn smooth, their paths laid atop the Indian paths, which had followed the migratory movements of the animals, the deer and moose, the bear, and even, before these, the bison. And the animals had been following the river, this very river before me now, its smooth white surface crisscrossed and scribbled over, like a used sheet of paper, with the tracks, trails and footpaths following the invisible rivers, valleys and ridges of the makers’ whims and impulses.
Far out at the center of the river, where beneath the ice the water ran deepest and coldest, there were several clusters of tiny windowless huts. Inside each hut, a fisherman sat hunkered over a head-size hole cut in the ice, drinking whiskey and warming his red hands over an oil heater, each man closed into his own kerosene-lit world, as shut off from the others by the cold and the wind as planets in separate solar systems. And though their huts were clustered together in the same galaxy, the fishermen were together for no reason of comfort or sociability, but only because here, in this region, the river ran deepest and coldest and the fish would take the bait.
A little farther on there is a place, where the river is at its broadest and makes a long, slow sweep around a gently rounded plain, that has been marked by a plaque placed by the state historical society beside the road as it curves along the arm of the river. The plaque tells the traveler that there, in the spring of 1703, the first party of settlers in the town of B. spent their first night in the valley. There, on this slight swell of land, they made camp, and the next morning, as dawn broke and the mist lifted from the river and the trees turned gold in the hazy sunlight, the settlers were surprised by a war party of Abenooki Indians and in the ensuing battle lost one of the original incorporators, a man named Lemuel Stark.
By the time I reached the outskirts of the village, where the river narrows to rapids and the mills were built, the grist-mill, the sawmill, and later, in the nineteenth century, the shoe factory, now a storehouse for a local well-drilling company, the snow had started to fall densely, in semitransparent curtains down and across my field of vision like veils dropping away first to reveal a face and then to cover it.
At the Parade, the large common square of ground at the center of the town, as I approached the Congregational church and the turnoff to Blue Job Road, I saw the police chief’s car, Chub Blount’s Plymouth station wagon with its blue glass bubble on top, come out of Blue Job Road, turn onto the main road, and pass swiftly by me, heading in the direction I had just come from. The snow was falling too heavily now for me to have seen his face as he passed, but I recognized his white Stetson hat and saw that he was alone. A few seconds later, I was passed by another car with a blue glass bubble on the roof, this one driven by the chief’s assistant, Calvin Clark. I assumed that the two had come directly from A.’s house, and I responded to the fact that they both were alone with a peculiar mixture of relief and disappointment—relief that they apparently had not found A., or if they had, that they had not arrested him; and disappointment because, if they had failed to locate him at his house, then how could I expect to succeed? Of course, it was also possible that they had found him after all, had found his body, that is, and thus had no reason not to be alone as they drove back to town. But then, I reasoned, I would have seen only one of the two police officers, for surely Chub would have left Calvin back at the house to watch over A.’s body and to make sure no one tampered with or accidentally disturbed the evidence.
But evidence of what? I asked myself. How do I know a crime’s been committed? Maybe nothing unusual or disastrous had happened to anyone—not to Dora, not to A., not to Chub Blount, not even to me—and maybe the chief and his assistant had not even been at A.’s house in the first place but had been out on Blue Job Road this snowy morning on some other and wholly unrelated police business. Quickly, I ran down the bits of evidence—the three bulletholes in the car window, the strange circumstances of the car’s presence and A.’s absence, with all the doors of the house locked, the gate closed, and even though yesterday had been a Sunday, week’s end, the absence of any freshly tossed out trash at the edge of the field in front. Yes, it’s true, I thought. It’s true. The evidence points with equal force to numerous conclusions, and many of the conclusions do not constitute crimes or disaster or even anything especially unusual whether in A.’s life or Dora’s or Chub’s, or my own. As I slowed the car to make the turn at the church onto Blue Job Road, I finally admitted to myself that, yes, I may have made the whole thing up. I may have imagined everything.
But then, as soon as I was on Blue Job Road, I started to laugh at myself, not out loud, but with a low, ironic giggle. An hour before I had been wondering seriously if the whole thing, this very thing I was now afraid I had imagined, had been engineered by A. I felt light-headed, almost giddy. This was self-mockery taken to the edge of hysteria.
By then the snow had covered the road sufficiently to obliterate any trace of its surface, and I was only able to keep to it by following the high banks of old, ice-hard snow on either side. The windshield wipers clacked back and forth, cutting a pair of half-moons for me to peer through. In a few seconds I entered the short stretch of the road where the conifers grow to the very edge of the road, their branches interlacing between them and across the road above me, making a rough, dark tunnel and it seemed suddenly that it was no longer snowing and a great arching space had opened around me. The woods here, most Scotch pine and dark spruce, grew scruffily into the shaggy wall of an outdoor cathedral, and I remembered then that i
t was there, just yesterday afternoon, that I had looked hopefully for the figure of Rochelle, as if she were a sister or daughter whose recent death I still mourned and had not yet accepted as real, whose familiar form and hair and green, hooded loden coat my eyes still habitually searched for.
Then, as quickly, I was out of the wood and into the snowstorm again, peering anxiously through half-moons, aiming the car rather than driving it, for the road was slightly slippery under my tires. I passed several battered house trailers and tarpaper-covered shacks, the homes of A.’s neighbors, barely glimpsing them through the falling snow, noticing only that, covered with the layer of fresh snow, the buildings and the cluttered yards looked cleaner, more orderly, as if the snow could tend to them more capably, more energetically, than could the inhabitants.
A few seconds more, and I slowed the car and turned onto the lane that led to A.’s house. I glanced over at the large, hummocky field in front of the house and saw that it, too, had been transformed by the fastidious care of the falling snow, had been made over to look more like a natural, cleared meadow in winter than an open dump, a private trash receptacle.
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