I tossed and turned all last night, trying to find a way to tell Claire about my involvement in her dad’s death and keep her interested in being with me at the same time. But no matter how it plays out in my head, it always ends the same way: with Claire hating me.
This is the reason I always kept my distance. I knew we would be explosive, and I knew that once I got a taste of her, I would only want more. Now I’m fucked because I either tell her the truth and risk her hating me, or I walk away first—and damn it, I can’t do that, not again.
“Son.”
I blink when Dad lays a hand on my shoulder.
“Are you okay? Is something bothering you?”
“No.” I shut the tailgate and tug my shirt off, because just thinking of Claire has me hot and bothered.
“Ahhh. Now I get it.”
“Get what?”
“Woman problems. Nothing to be ashamed of, boy. We’ve all got ‘em.”
I shake my head. “There are no woman problems, because there is no woman.”
“Well,” Dad says, nudging my arm. “Maybe that’s your problem.”
“You telling me I need to find a woman? Because I’ll have you know that women love me.”
“I know they do, son. You’ve got too many to pick from,” he says. “And hell no. I wouldn’t tell you to get a woman until you’re one-hundred-percent ready, because women are a pain in the ass, and they’ll drive you insane. They’re completely worth it in the end, but it’s the middle shit that’ll make you lose your mind.”
“And how does someone know he’s made it through all the crazy shit? When does the headache become worth it?”
“When you’ve got the girl. When she smiles at you like you hung the moon and promises to love you forever, you’ll know you made it.”
“Sounds like a lot of work.”
“It’s not easy; that’s for damn sure.”
Dad and I climb into the truck and head for the barn.
“Was Mom a pain in the ass?”
“The worst. Your mother made me chase her for years before she finally agreed to go out with me.”
I laugh because I can totally see my mom doing that. She’s stubborn to a fault. “And you’ve been together ever since.”
“Hell no. We both made a lot of mistakes, and we broke up several times before we got it right.”
“That doesn’t sound like fun.”
“Love rarely is, but it’s a beautiful thing, and once you get a taste of it with the right person, you’ll never get enough. You’ll spend the rest of your life fighting for it.”
I keep my eyes trained on the dirt road, afraid that if I look at him he’ll see how much his words have resonated with me.
“Just take your time, son,” he says, rolling down his window. “There’s a girl out there for you. You’ve just got to find her.”
I think I already have. “What if I’ve already found her, but I’ve kept something from her?”
Dad gives me a curious look, but asks only one question. “Whatever you’ve kept from her, will it hurt her?”
“Maybe.”
Dad nods. “You have to be honest. Lay it all on the line and let the chips fall where they may. You can’t control fate, son. If she’s meant to be yours, you’ve got nothing to worry about. But no secrets. You can’t build a solid foundation on lies. You need trust for that.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Anytime, son.” He claps a hand on my shoulder. “Now, let’s get to work.”
Today I need to work my ass off. Maybe if I concentrate on the things I need to get done, I won’t think about how soft Claire’s lips are and how her breasts felt pressed against my back yesterday. And I certainly won’t think about how badly I want to touch her again.
Yeah right.
25
Trevor
After a grueling ten hours in the field, I pop the top on a cold beer and walk out to my parents’ patio. Settling on a lounge chair, I look out across the ranch. It’s been in our family for years. There was a time I wanted nothing to do with it, had no desire to take over one day. But somewhere along the way, that’s all changed. The thought of taking over and raising a family in the house I grew up in has become a distant dream—although I’m afraid I’ll have to fight Rhett for it.
I love firefighting, but I have a feeling that one of these days—maybe when I have kids—I’ll want to come home at night rather than working the long-ass days I do now. The life of a rancher isn’t easy, but it’s not twenty-four- or forty-eight-hours shifts either.
My dad worked his ass off when we were growing up, but he was home every night for dinner, and he never missed a sporting event or school concert.
Closing my eyes, I rest my head against the cushion, imagining how different life would be if I came home every night to a warm meal and two spunky kids running around. Claire would greet me at the door with a kiss, we would spend the evening playing with our children, and then I’d lay her down and worship her body for hours—
“Sleepin’ on the job or what?” Rhett says, kicking the side of my chair.
I open my eyes. “Hardly. But it’s nice of you to finally show up after all the work is done.”
“I would’ve been here if I could’ve.” He sighs, dropping into the chair next to mine. “I’ll tell you what, bro…” He blows out a harsh breath. “I’ll never understand this.”
I kick my legs over the side of my chair and sit up. “Understand what?”
“How dreams can shift and change so rapidly.” Rhett runs a hand over his face. “I used to live for bull riding. The PBR was all I thought about. After a day like today, I would’ve hit the bar with my buddies and had a few beers and a hot meal before calling it a night. Instead, I skipped it all and drove my ass home—even though I’ve got to drive back in the morning—just so I could sleep in the same bed as Mo. She’s all I think about. What’s she doing? Does she have enough help at Animal Haven? Did she remember to pack a lunch?” He looks up. “Because she forgets it half the time and will go without eating if I’m not there to remind her.”
“This must be the insane part Dad was talking about.”
“Huh?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. Keep going.”
“I’m counting down the months until my season and endorsement contracts are up so I can walk away from it all.”
“Wow. That’s huge. When you and Mo got back together, you mentioned giving it all up, but I wasn’t sure you meant it.”
“I meant every word. I want to be here, helping you and Dad on the ranch and helping her run Animal Haven. I don’t want to rely on you for that shit—it’s my responsibility. I don’t want to be away from her anymore.”
“Then don’t be, brother. But if you’re dying to see Mo, why did you stop here first?”
“I’m going to ask her to marry me,” Rhett blurts.
“Well, I’ll be damned.” I reach out and give my brother a half hug, clapping him on the back. “Congratulations. Maybe you’re past the insane part after all. Maybe you’ve made it to the end.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because you aren’t making a bit of sense.”
“It’s nothing. Just something Dad and I were talking about earlier. This calls for a celebration. You want a beer?”
“I’d love one.”
I leave Rhett stewing over his impending proposal as I walk inside and grab him a beer. The poor sap probably needs it.
“When are you going to pop the question?” I ask, handing him a bottle.
Rhett cups his hand over the cap and twists it off. “No clue. Sometime soon. I’m just waiting for the right moment.”
“You’ve already got the ring?”
He nods, his eyes growing wide as he takes a swig. “That’s why I’m here. Mom’s hiding it for me. Those damn things are expensive.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“How did Dad do today?” he asks, reclining i
n his seat.
I see-saw my hand in the air. “He did okay. Moving slower than normal.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought last time I worked with him.”
My father—Sawyer Allen—is a brute of a man. Tall, broad, and made for life on a ranch, but that life has worn him down. He’s not old by any means, but he’s not a spring chicken either, and Rhett and I have been worried for a while that one of these days he’ll end up hurting himself. The man doesn’t know when to stop, and he constantly works himself into the ground. This is despite the fact that he has a handful of farmworkers he trusts to help with day-to-day tasks. On top of them, he has Rhett and me, who spend our days off—from sunup to sundown—doing whatever work needs to be done.
“You know as well as I do that he’ll never stop working.”
“I know,” I sigh.
There’s a pause. Both of us look out across the land, watching the cattle graze.
“You sure nothing else is on your mind?” Rhett asks.
I shrug and look over at him. “Just thinking.”
“’Bout what?”
“Nothing much. Just life in general.”
Rhett sits up. “Come on, man. I just spilled my guts. I’m your brother. You can tell me anything. You get some woman knocked up?”
I frown. “Not even close.”
For months, I’ve felt unsettled. First it was the women and my lack of desire for a one-night stand. And then it was coming home to an empty house. That snowballed into watching other couples, wondering if I deserved that sort of commitment from a woman. But it was kissing Claire in the bathroom at Animal Haven that drove me to the edge, and waking up with her two days ago tipped me over. Wrapped in her arms, I felt worthy and surrounded by a sense of peace I haven’t felt for a damn long time.
I’m not sure if telling Rhett is the right thing, but he’s recently taken the plunge into the relationship pool, so I figure why the hell not? Wiping my hands on my jeans, I go for it.
“I’m thinking maybe it’s time I settle down.”
Rhett laughs, but when he realizes I’m not, he sobers. “You’re serious?”
“But now I know where you stand on the matter,” I say, punching him in the arm. “Thanks, brother.”
“I’m sorry, Trevor. It’s just...you love women almost as much as they love you. And you’ve never even had a girlfriend.”
I don’t tell him I haven’t been intimate with a woman in months. He’d have a field day with that. And over the years, I’ve found that sometimes it’s easier to let people believe what they want to about you. It keeps the expectations to a minimum, doesn’t leave as much room for disappointment if you fuck up—and I always fuck up.
“You’re right.” I take a swig of my beer. “I’d probably fail miserably.”
Rhett drains his beer, stands up, and tosses the empty bottle in the trash. He walks back over and lays a hand on my shoulder.
“No, I’m not right. And no, you wouldn’t. You’re not the annoying little brother who followed me around for years. You’ve grown into a successful, hardworking man, and any woman would be lucky to have you by her side. If you’re ready, I say go for it.”
I nod once and smile. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Just don’t go for it with Claire.”
It takes a second for his words to sink in, and I furrow my brow. “Why not Claire?”
“Shit,” he sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s Claire, isn’t it?”
“Look, I know she could do a hell of a lot better than me, but—”
“Whoa.” Rhett holds his hands up. “It’s not because she could do better than you. You’re one of the best men I know. She’d be damn lucky to be with you.”
“Then what?”
“I told you at the bar; it’s because she’s one of my best friends, and you’re my brother. I will choose you, always, but if you break her heart, I’ll have to kick your ass, and I’ll risk losing her in the process, and I don’t want it to come to that.”
“And I told you I would never intentionally hurt her.”
Rhett takes a deep breath in, and when he blows it out he says, “I know you wouldn’t. But love is unpredictable and messy.” He sighs. “Just be good to her, okay? Don’t make me hunt you down.” He gives me a pointed look before he turns away.
“Rhett?”
“Yeah?” He stops and looks over his shoulder.
“Do me a favor and don’t mention this to Mo. It’s all still new, and nothing is official, and—”
“Your secret is safe with me. But fair warning, those two tell each other everything. And I mean everything.”
Maybe not everything. Because if Mo knew half of what’s gone on between me and Claire, she’d be all up in my business. “Thanks for the heads up.”
I’m the last thing a girl like Claire needs. She’s all sweet and good, and I’m tainted—tainted by my past and by the profession I’ve chosen, which is way outside what she typically seems prepared to handle. But despite all of my efforts, I can’t stay away from her.
Now I need to know if she can forgive me for the mistake my twelve-year-old self made so we can sort this out together.
There’s only one way to find out.
26
Trevor
Taking a deep breath, I knock on Claire’s front door. It’s late, but I know she’s up because the light in her living room is on. She’s probably waiting on me, and now I feel like an ass for not getting here sooner. The porch light flips on, and a second later she opens the door. Milo darts out, stumbling between my feet, and I pick her up.
“You lost something.” I hand Claire her dog.
“Thank you.”
She smiles as she holds the door open, and all I can think of is that damn fantasy of coming home to her after a long day on the ranch.
“Come in.”
I step over the threshold and hear her shut the door and lock it behind me.
“How was your day?” she asks, quietly.
“Rough.”
Turning around, I take Claire in. Her back is against the door, Milo squirming in her arms. She’s wearing a pair of silky shorts and a matching purple tank top that leaves very little to the imagination. Her nipples are puckered, threatening to break through the thin material, and I want to lift her top up and suck a tight peak into my mouth.
She takes a step forward, drawing my eyes up. “What happened?” she asks, setting the pup down. Milo scurries off, leaving me alone with her owner.
I grab Claire’s hand. “Couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
“Oh,” she says. “That must’ve been awful.”
I tug her forward until her body falls against mine. “Wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the day.”
“Maybe I can make it up to you.” Pushing up on her toes, Claire presses her lips to my mouth, and I let her because I need this connection. I need to ensure I get one final kiss before I say what I’ve come to say.
Her soft mouth molds against mine, but when she pushes her tongue against the seam of my lips, I stop her, afraid that if we take it any further, I’ll chicken out.
“Can we talk first?”
“As long as you haven’t changed your mind or come up with an excuse for why this won’t work.”
I hate the uncertainty in her voice. “I haven’t, but you might after you hear what I have to say.”
“Okay,” she says cautiously. “I’m listening.”
Every worst-case scenario runs through my head. I take a deep breath and motion for the couch. “You might want to sit down for this.”
She swallows hard. “I’m good.”
“Please, Claire, sit.”
“You’re scaring me, Trevor,” she says, lowering herself to the couch.
“I, uh…wow.” I rub my hands together. “This is a lot harder than I thought it would be—”
“Listen, if this is some weird it’s-not-you-it’s-me thing you’re trying to figure out
how to say, then just forget about it.” Claire pushes up from the couch, but I catch her before she makes it far.
“No. I swear it’s not like that. Please, sit back down.”
She eyes me warily but returns to her seat. “Come on, Trevor, just tell me already.”
“I’m the reason your dad is dead,” I blurt. My entire body trembles as adrenaline pumps through my veins, and my arms and legs go numb as I wait for her to say something.
Claire’s mouth opens, and a cold knot forms in my stomach.
“What?” she asks, shaking her head. “I…I don’t understand.”
I take a step toward her, but she doesn’t move. She’s staring at me like I just spoke in a foreign language.
“The fire your dad responded to the day he was killed? It broke out around twelve o’clock that afternoon, during my lunch period.” I say, lowering myself to the couch beside her, making sure I keep enough distance between us.
I’ve relived that day more times than I can count, but I’ve never talked about it out loud to another person. “I was twelve and in a bad place—rebellious, crazy hormones, and mad at the world. I snuck out to the bleachers during lunch to smoke. It was freezing outside, and I kept lighting cigarettes, one right after the other, and the next thing I knew, the fire alarms at the school were going off. At first, I thought it was the bell, so I snuffed out my cigarette. By the time I made it across the football field, kids were spilling out of the school, tripping over each other, crying and screaming, and that’s when I knew it was something more. And then the fire department showed up, and all hell broke loose. Your dad was the first one on the scene.”
Claire’s eyes are swimming in tears. She was in high school at the time, so she wasn’t there during the fire, but I’m sure she’s heard how horrific it was that day.
“He didn’t waver, Claire. He ran into that building without abandon, dragging kids out. They eventually contained the fire, but there was one kid unaccounted for, and that kid was me.”
My fingers are numb, my palms growing increasingly sweaty with each word, and I wipe them down the front of my jeans. “Your dad went in after me, but I was already outside.”
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