Jessie sighs. They aren’t processing this. “Yes. I have four children. Four daughters.”
“And you just gave Natalie up?”
I watch Jessie, and the words on my tongue are nearly as simple as the fourteen–year–old. Why did you just give me up? It wasn’t my fault that she got knocked up during a one–night–stand. But as one adult to another, I can appreciate how awkward this must be. How best to discuss such a sensitive topic with this woman’s adolescent girls? Neither teen seems all that street smart, or sophisticated, or fast for their ages. So the idea of their mom having premarital sex, and later an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, seems to blow their minds.
“Yes. Two days after she was born. I didn’t know her name until Christina found her.”
“Maybe I should just go now,” I suggest as I get on my feet. This is a colossal disaster, along with the rest of my life right now. But watching the reactions of these teens… well, I realize they don’t deserve this dark shadow in their lives. After all these years, I should never have come here.
“Wait. Please. Don’t just leave like that. I mean… I mean, we’re, well… don’t go.” Melissa stands up and a strange, disjointed plea comes from her mouth. She stares at me with hopeful eyes. Seeing her confusion softens something inside me. I remember being that age. So much angst and confusion while trying to figure out who you are. It can’t be easy for her, having the perfect family and suddenly discovering they’re not so perfect. I’m actually surprised to feel a little ashamed and embarrassed, since I am the “something” tainting their perfection, or what they would like to believe.
“This is too… forced. Hard. This is way too hard on everyone.”
“So?” Jessie suddenly stands up. “So what? It is hard. But you’re here. They finally know, and you can’t just leave after all these years. How anticlimactic would that be? I agree, it’s a bit too forced like this. What about dinner? Remember? You are staying for dinner? Why can’t you do that? Just stay for dinner. No more huge pronouncements or questions. Can’t we just… see what happens?”
Her eyes are hopeful; but I know she isn’t inviting me there for her benefit. There is still something about Jessie that refuses to connect with me. This last “Hail Mary” pass is only designed to keep me here, once again, for her daughters. But I finally acquiesce with a simple nod.
She nods back and offers me a small smile. Thank you, she mouths.
Then, the front door opens again, and in walks a man. He is older, and my instant assumption is he must be Will Hendricks, her husband. He’s a few inches taller than me, and handsome. His blond hair is speckled with gray around his temples. He is in good physical shape, better than a man in his late fifties would typically appear. He comes in wearing casual clothes and sets down some kind of notebook thing and a bag. He glances around the room, nodding at me with a small smile, but his eyes search out Jessie, his sole focus and goal. The others keep talking as they greet him, and he answers them, but his entire interest is monopolized by Jessie. She retains his steady gaze, and her brown eyes are full of conflicting emotions. Her shoulders seem to sag slightly as if she can finally relax because he is home. He comes close to her and I swear I can almost hear their silent conversation, as evident by their eyes and facial expressions. It’s intense, whatever else it is. Jessie nods just barely, indicating the positive. Telling him… what? I am her first daughter? That she is fine? Or miserable? Or she wishes I’d disappear? He nods back very slightly. You’d have to be watching them pretty closely to see it. And, yes, I was watching both of them, like a sniper through a scope. I’m trying to find some common ground with my biological mother.
He turns then, and finds me. Stepping forward, he seems ready to approach me. I assume he has to check in with Jessie before he feels free to meet me. “Hello, Natalie, I’m Will.”
He’s simple, direct and to the point. His frank introduction is a small relief to me. I sense his genuine interest, along with his respect. Whatever the man does, he seems pretty good at defusing any anger I might have felt about him. I don’t know his role in my adoption process, but obviously whatever complication haunted their past, they seem to be on solid ground now. I put my hand out to shake his. “Hello, Will.”
Giving him a firm handshake, I stare solidly into his eyes. No waffling. I got this. Or at least, I feel like I can handle him. A lot better than I can deal with Jessie. He seems frank and open, almost like he’s glad I’m there. That is kind of strange to me. How could he be glad that I showed up there? I obviously am affecting his wife, whom he loves very much, judging by the silent exchange I just witnessed. Despite his emotional attachment to his wife and daughters, he’s still nice to me. Now I am very unsure about everyone’s reaction to my presence.
Glancing around the room, he seems to take in the shocked, strained and upset faces of his three daughters. He puts his hands on his hips and nods. “So… you all had a discussion, I see.”
The girls nod back in the affirmative, their faces staring at him for more answers. I can feel the urgency in their need for him to take control, to help them understand, and make it all better. This can’t be faked. He must be a decent dad for them to garner so much faith in him. I wait for him to weigh in, further substantiating this great, big, gigantic revelation; but instead, he says, “Missy, why don’t you guys take Natalie down to the barn? I’m sure a city girl like her could never even begin to imagine the zoo we have.”
No one moves at first. So Will nods, holding Melissa and Emily’s attention as he smiles tenderly and leans over to gently touch Emily’s shoulder. “It’s okay. Go ahead. Your mom and I will start dinner, okay?” He glances at me. “I hope you’re staying, Natalie?”
I nod, even believing he actually wants me to stay. But why? His precious wife doesn’t want me there, and I know that. She wants to teach her daughters something. But he really seems to hope I’ll stay? Interesting.
I am startled, never having anticipated any of this, much less Will’s benign suggestion. I expect more discussion. Maybe even some tears. Maybe I should leave. Instead, he proposes I take a simple tour of their ranch? Weird, but brilliant. I realize that the same second the girls grasp onto his suggestion in a talisman. They jump to their feet, instantly agreeing and racing off to find their shoes. It’s something for us to do. I know that. It’s something tangible to remedy an afternoon that left them feeling shell–shocked, hurt, confused, and totally unsure of their mother. Something, I’m quickly gathering, that none of them are used to feeling.
Great. I’ve dropped in like a bomb, disturbing what appears from first glance to be a very happy family. Shit. I never considered this scenario in all the wild scenarios I imagined over the years. Oh, yes! I imagined them all. Except that she’d be a good mother. No. Nope. Not once in all my musings, wonderings, and daydreams was there ever a time when I considered my birth mother to be a relatively attractive, pleasant, polite woman, raising a family who appeared to adore, love, need and look to her for all of their emotional support. She is clearly the center of her family.
I feel twitchy. I don’t want to sit there. I too spring to my feet, latching on to Will’s escape plan. Yeah, he’s right. Christina stares up at me, but her gaze is dark. She doesn’t like any of this, yet she slowly gets to her feet too, locking her gaze on mine in some kind of dare. The stupid part is, I refuse to accept her dare. I simply offer her a neutral expression.
Melissa and Emily go out first through the back sliding door that leads to a huge deck. The view overlooks more of their yard, along with distant mountains and trees and empty land. There are rural outbuildings too, but they’re far enough away that they do not affect the view, but rather add an idyllic, country sweetness to the scene. Yeah, not one thing about this family is what I could ever have predicted.
The crisp, clean scents fill my nostrils with the refreshing air. The smell of freshly turned dirt is nice, too. I have to admit, although it’s not my scene, or anything I’d ever choose to live i
n, I can certainly appreciate the place. The silence thickens between us all. Max doesn’t follow us, and I’m surprised he doesn’t. I wish he did. Somehow, that kid seems easier for me to be around than anyone else. I have a strange kinship with him that I don’t feel with anyone else here. Pretty weird, considering Will and he are the only ones here that I’m not actually related to.
Christina follows, crossing her arms over her chest, and making her message clear. She is under visible duress. Her sisters notice and follow her cue. They act very suspicious of me. Melissa takes the lead, Emily walks off to the left and slightly behind me. She often glances at me, however, and I can feel her checking me out. I’m wishing I thought this out better. Or taken the time to try to look my best. I wish the phone call I made could have led me somewhere more satisfying. But it didn’t and here I am. There is no whitewashing my experience. We are here, and we are all (supposedly) sisters, yet we don’t know a blessed thing about each other.
Emily is a slim girl, and small–boned like Christina. But now that I’ve met Will, I can see that she is the only one who got his looks. She’s all him, but in a feminine, gentle, beautiful version. She keeps peeking up at me, then quickly looks away as if she’s embarrassed to even be walking near me. I hold my tongue. I know how to handle awkward silences. Lots of experience on the job with that one. I can hold in my feelings and appear unaffected, calm, cool and totally neutral to any and all situations. Even this one. Despite how I am freaking the fuck out inside. Yes, it’s a bit of a gift for me in this situation.
It’s also a complete curse in other instances, like my marriage.
But that’s another story for another day.
Melissa enters their barn. It smells faintly of farm odors. Hay, I think. And dirt. It gets a bit stronger in some spots where the actual animals reside. A horse wanders inside from the outer corral. Although it is fenced outside, the horse has ready access to the barn. Entering its stall with a neigh and nudge of its nose, it stomps one of its hooves. The animal seems huge to me. I’m sure I’ve never been this close to a horse. I visited the San Diego Zoo a few times. It’s a vast, gigantic world confined within San Diego city limits. It houses a variety of exotic, interesting, and gorgeous animals behind displays of natural and tropical, lush vegetation. But a horse? I don’t recall every seeing one there, and there was nowhere else for me to see one up close.
On my left, a few lambs are baa-ing as a dog runs up to us from the outside. He is very excited and happy as he wiggles all around our legs.
“Do you like animals?” Melissa asks me. Her eyes stay on my face a few seconds before they skitter off toward the horse she’s compulsively stroking.
“I don’t hate them. I honestly haven’t been around many. We never had pets. And no one I knew did. There were never any horses or sheep, of that you can be certain.”
“Where did you grow up?”
“San Francisco.”
“Oh. In the city?”
“Yes.”
Silence. I can see Melissa tapping her finger against her leg. Nerves? Definitely. I sense her discomfort. She seems to want to ask more, but doesn’t. “We have three horses. Several dogs and cats, some sheep, chickens, a pig, two cows, and a goat.”
“Wow. Farmyard fun, huh? You eat them too?”
“Never.” Melissa’s face scrunches up as if she feels pain at such a thought.
Emily giggles. “Missy’s like Mom. She refuses to eat any meat. She goes even further and almost won’t eat anything that comes from animals.”
So Mom is an animal freak, I’m gathering. Their mom. Not mine.
“So, you have cows you don’t butcher?” I’m a little puzzled, never having heard of people keeping them as pets.
Christina snorts behind me. “Yes. What’s it to you?”
“Mom’s a veterinarian. She prefers to foster animals than ever to harm them,” Emily adds softly. Her tone is almost muffled as she stares down at the barn floor with her hair covering both sides of her face.
I don’t expect that either. These little tidbits keep coming to me. They mean nothing; and they mean everything. Nothing is like what I pictured. But then again, I had nothing for reference but my own imagination.
I glance up at Christina. So do her little sisters. Emily looks unsure, her gaze alternating from Christina to me to her again. She’s interested in me. She’s also intimidated by me. I can tell she wants to talk to me, but she obviously picked up on how her big sister feels, and doesn’t want to go against her. Or perhaps she trusts her sister’s judgment. Whatever. Both little sisters are confused about what to do with me. Turning my back on the proverbial burr in my ass, Christina, I ask Melissa about the animals. I inquire as to their care, what it takes to keep them healthy, and she warms up to my questions. She’s almost eager to answer, just to talk to me. Emily stays close and listens, interjecting her own questions sometimes, but her gaze still skitters off whenever I try to make eye contact with her. Shy. She is painfully shy and self–conscious with me. Silence falls again, and Christina stands behind us, her arms crossed, scowling. Her blatant frigidity feels like a brick wall. And is just as noticeable.
“This is stupid. She doesn’t care about our farm animals. Or what Mom does,” Christina finally states, ending the quiet between us.
“I don’t think that’s accurate. I don’t know, but I want to know.”
“I think Dad wanted us to, you know, maybe talk. ‘Cause it’s so weird. I mean… this…” Melissa tries to explain after a lengthy silence.
“It is a shock to you both. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t really think it out beforehand.”
“How do you not think it out? It takes hours to drive here. I should know! I did it when I came to see you. But how could you not know you intended to come here and confront us? I told you about them. So that’s just bullshit.”
I turn my full attention to Christina, who stands off to the side, still scowling at me. “Yeah, you did. You came to me. You opened that door, Christina. Not I.”
“You slammed it shut in my face.”
“I was shocked! Can’t you, for a second, try to understand how shocking it was to meet you? Out of nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. That stupid Saturday, after working out at the gym, I came home, and was getting ready to shower when I heard a knock at my door. And it was you. With this story. About this woman. And this relationship. I didn’t handle it well, I admit that, but why don’t you take a look in the mirror on that one?”
Christina shakes her head. “Max and Mom called me within minutes of each other. I was in the middle of class, and neither would ever call me during class like that. I left to call them back, and was fully prepared for some unforeseen tragedy, only to find out you are in town, and going to meet Mom. They mistook my shock as unfounded jubilation. I might have searched you out once, but that doesn’t mean I want you here now. I honestly don’t trust you.”
“Why should you? But then again, why wouldn’t you?”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Melissa interrupts, glaring now at Christina. “You knew, and you didn’t tell us? All you ever do is treat us like fucking babies.”
Christina doesn’t admonish her. Melissa, at fifteen, seems like a baby to me too, but I guess she really isn’t. Her swearing actually annoys me. “Because I was trying to spare you! I never dreamed she’d show up like this. I’m sorry. I came, didn’t I? As soon as I could.”
Melissa scoffs. “To protect us? That’s so stupid. From what? An awful truth that was kept from us? Mom had another baby? No small thing. But as usual, you think it’s something special between you and Mom. Somehow, it’s only about you. Well, Christina, it’s about us too! We’re also her daughters, and we’re Natalie’s sisters too!”
Melissa is hot–faced. Emily steps back, her eyes widening with fright. Christina stares at Melissa and her shock is evident. I step in. Christ! Only an hour here, and I already have two innocent sisters, who had nothing to do with the chip on my shoulder, crying and fight
ing in girlish sisterhood drama. Maybe I dodged a bullet. I’m not really cut out for the typical drama queen stuff. I preferred having Sam while growing up. He simply would have tried to kick my ass at soccer, or baseball, or in a foot race.
“Okay, okay. This is all life changing. Maybe I should have told you, but I didn’t because I wanted to protect you from the confusion I felt over it. I met her and she wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t think she’d ever come here, so therefore, I never expected her to have any more to do with any of us.”
“If that were so, then why were you so affected by the discovery you obviously made about her? You ran away to find her. Not a small thing, Christina.”
“No. It wasn’t a small thing,” I interrupt before Christina can answer Melissa. “I don’t think I appreciated that. She was embarrassed to tell you about my existence. I’m sure, after meeting me, it wasn’t a careless, easy thing Christina did by coming to find me. Your own mother couldn’t have done it.”
Christina snapped. “No, it wasn’t. But who are you to comment on our mother?”
I throw my hands up as if I’m under arrest and surrendering. “I’m just commenting. I’m not trying to claim her as anything to me. My point is, they are upset, just the same as you were. The same as I am. It’s a stressful, hard situation. We can all agree on that. But fighting about it isn’t resolving anything either.”
“I suppose you want to judge Mom. But you have no right. You don’t know a damn thing about what it was like for her.”
“No? And you have no idea what it was and is like for me. So back off, Christina. You now regret opening this door? Too bad, because you did. I didn’t. And here we are. So are you going to make it miserable for everyone? Or can you understand that everyone here is in an unprecedented situation? And we all have as much right as you to express our feelings over it all? Very deep, confusing emotions at that.”
Christina’s mouth tightens in obvious disdain, but she nods finally. “It is unprecedented. I’m sorry. I guess I just panicked when I heard you were here. I know how confusing it is to find out. I didn’t want Emily or Melissa to suffer through that. I guess I hoped they wouldn’t find out until they were old enough to handle it. And Mom… well, I was worried too for her. But you’re right. I opened up this can of worms. I found you so you could find us. I overreacted today.”
Leanne Davis - Natalie (Daughters Series #2) Page 11