by Linda Hogan
Over the next two years as my divorce was being finalized, Terry would taunt Charley and me, annoyingly accusing us of things publicly in the media. He used every dirty trick in the book, including trying to create a false history of drug and alcohol abuse for me.
My lawyers had already informed me that Terry was out to get me. They told me to mind my p’s and q’s and to be careful. I was very cautious. That’s why one night when I went out for dinner with our hairdresser (she did Terry’s hair extensions too!), I didn’t drink.
When I left the restaurant, I made a wrong turn due to some road construction as I made my way to the highway. I got pulled over and there was not one, not two, but three cop cars at the scene, they also sent a DUI enforcement car conveniently at the same time! Lights, sirens, the whole nine yards. This was obviously a shakedown.
The police took me to the parking lot of a nearby mall where they tried to break me down. They proceeded to put me through a DUI test, and I passed with flying colors. They also searched my car and purse for no reason whatsoever. I didn’t even know what my rights were. I had never gotten a DUI or been searched. I only allowed them to search my car and purse because I had nothing to hide. I remember the captain saying to the cop who was trying to break me down that they had to let me go. He was really pissed. Afterward, I called my dad and told him about what happened and he said that this was definitely not normal police protocol.
As I drove home I realized that Tracie, the hairdresser, was probably trying to set me up. Throughout the evening, she kept going to the bathroom to talk on the phone because she said she had no reception at the table. But my cell phone worked fine when I took two phone calls from Brooke. The hairdresser was probably talking to Terry on the cell phone in the bathroom. She also kept trying to get me to taste her martini and take some pills she offered me. I believe she was trying to get me intoxicated; I didn’t fall for it. Eventually, Terry even used my hairdresser against me in court. Talk about split ends!
On another occasion, after I had flown back to Los Angeles by myself, I was approached by two alleged undercover officers as I got off the plane. They asked if I was Linda Bollea and I said yes. They explained that they wanted to speak with me in private. My heart started pounding because I thought they were going to tell me that something had happened to one of my kids. I couldn’t understand why else they’d be confronting me.
The officers told me that they had reasonable cause to believe that I had narcotics on me and that they were going to search me and my bags. This was absolutely ridiculous because I didn’t use drugs. They were waiting for a female assistant and a room, which meant they were going to do a cavity search. When they said that, I felt that this was all set up by Terry. He loved to embarrass me, and this would have been his crowning glory, to have me busted at LAX airport; with TMZ and the paparazzi, it could have been a field day for the press. Oh well, sorry to disappoint! I made a call to my lawyer, Ray Rafool, and within moments, they released me, because they did not really have proof. Like that! I have to say that my divorce was getting to be a three-ring circus.
Gold Digger?
During the two years of a stormy divorce, Terry called me a gold digger, but the only ones getting rich were the lawyers! And I had one brilliant lawyer to his team of six or seven!
Terry used publicity to paint the picture from his perspective, and I never had a platform to speak. My lawyer kept telling me not to say anything back. From daily radio to tabloid headlines to threatening to pull an O.J. stunt, I wished I had had someone to help me! I knew that winning the court of public opinion would be tough against an icon, especially in his hometown where he was loved. His best friend had his own radio show there, which was broadcast nationally. Terry had his own private and exclusive national megaphone, which he could use to say anything to America (though he admitted that not everything he said on the show was true; it was “entertainment”). Huh! At my expense! Terry was also friends with all the locals, and the neighbors took his side. Terry was a national icon. Strangers rolled their eyes when they saw me, like I was the town whore, when truthfully, it was Terry! Still, no one really realized that I had left because of his cheating!
During this time, Charley and I were laying low. Every dime I spent was being monitored by Terry’s lawyers and mine. You know, he was so worried about me spending his money. Hello? We had been married for twenty-four years (well, one month short of twenty-four) when I filed for divorce, and we earned it together! No, I didn’t wrestle, but I did everything humanly possible to keep the loose ends tight—kids, house, you name it! I don’t have to tell all of you behind-the-scenes spouses! I’m sure you know there was a hell of a lot more going on behind the scenes. But he hated the thought of paying me alimony to support what he claimed to be a “flamboyant” lifestyle. Yeah, my so-called jet-set life of going to court and the beach, and taking care of my dogs.
Thank God I had Charley. This encouraged me at the time to make a list of all the things I was thankful for in my life. Thank you, Lord,
• For Nick being alive.
• For John being alive.
• For a strong relationship with my kids.
• For my sister, brother, mother, and father.
• For a strong and loving family to support us.
• For a beautiful relationship with my parents.
• For the patience to stay as long as I could.
• For my true friends: Jeanette, Paige, Beth, and Jill.
• For Brooke, her health and safety, her future that you are guiding her with your love.
• For my dogs and pets that love me back so much.
• For the guardian angels that surround my children all the time; I know they are there.
• For making me beautiful inside: kind, giving, loving, honest, and with a conscience.
• For the wisdom to know that I need to move on.
• For the strength to decide being alone is a better choice now, even feeling the fear and being strong enough to endure the change.
• For a second chance to find someone who really loves me.
• For my health now, even though I put myself last, but I will be strong now for you and my kids.
During that time, the lawyers had arranged to give me a base amount per month to live on. No problem except that I still had bills, which most months exceeded the full amount I had to operate with. I luckily had money that was in a trust in my name alone, so I delved into that savings account to survive. That was all that I had access to because Terry (and his friend Eric Bischoff) had virtually every penny under his control or the accounts were frozen by court order. I had a mere fraction of our megadollars. So needless to say, the lifestyles of the rich and famous were curtailed.
I’m a simple person at heart. That served me well because most women in my financial category would curl up and die once their funds were reduced. They don’t know how to survive the cut! Sure, at one time it used to be Neiman’s. Now I think twice before I go to Target or Walmart. There were no more fancy restaurants. All we did was ride bikes, or hang out on the beach. When we were home, we grilled burgers and played with the dogs.
Clearwater is quite different from L.A., and everyone there is very simple. I grew up that way and raised my kids that way, so I was used to it. I had a lot of great new friends that I had met through Charley who were his age, my age, and in between. Just nice people. We had a karaoke machine in my kitchen along with a disco strobe light. The weekends would be a 1980 revival! Jill and Paige and Beth—backup singers!
Charley was a big help then, too. He helped me “trim the fat” so to speak (in more ways than one!). Yes, I lost weight, probably from having to be naked in front of a new guy, but that’s not what I mean. He helped me by realizing it was okay to enjoy the simple things in life. He liked getting outside and just existing. He made me realize that I don’t need to dress up, go somewhere, or spend money to have a nice life. We went to all the little beach hangouts and friends’ ho
mes, and we walked the dogs and gardened. I loved it. It was actually an easy transition. Realizing that you can have a completely functional life on a budget is okay. It’s good. It makes you reevaluate things, people, places, and yourself! You are forced to see the world in a pure way. It makes you more creative.
The sad part about my relationship with Terry was that not only had he been living a secret life away from me, but he physically couldn’t do anything with me except go out to eat. Because of all his injuries that led to surgeries (hip and knee replacements, a bad lower back with compressed discs, fifth vertebrae with bone spurs), the poor guy was always in pain. He broke his ankle years ago, too. I was tolerant about all of his physical disabilities and helped him deal with them for years. I felt bad about all he had to deal with from the life of wrestling. It was hard work, so I excused him for a lot because I felt sorry for him. But with his wasting money and infidelities over the last few years leading up to our split, I just wasn’t as sympathetic anymore. And I decided it was time to stop with the excuses!
I was always physically active—running every day, keeping up with my kids, skating, biking, swimming, skiing, weight training. I also loved to dance. But I was doing it alone. I couldn’t do those types of activities with my husband or plan any kind of vacations where we went hiking or skiing. We couldn’t ride Harleys together anymore. (Yes, I ride my own bike. Years ago, Terry bought me a Harley, and I learned how to ride in front of our house.) As time went on, he couldn’t do very much with me anymore. So I just stopped planning activities together because I felt bad doing them without him.
With Charley, I can be active again. Every year since the divorce, I take a trip to the mountains with him. I feel like I have a new lease on life. I used to panic if I had a bad e-mail or a situation like the car breaking down. I don’t let it ruin my day anymore. Things do have a way of working out for the best. Trust that! When you are fifty-one years old, you have to look at life more calmly. I’m a mother, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. I’m a catalyst for so many people, and I have to be a good example and a role model: realizing this has really helped me.
The last deposition in our divorce (not in my post-divorce cases to force Terry to abide by the marital settlement agreement he made) was a deposition of Charley. What did Terry hope to learn? I wondered. He didn’t learn anything. But it was his way of applying pressure, putting fear in me that Charley might spill his guts. What he and his lawyers didn’t realize was that there was nothing to spill! Nothing that they could ask Charley that would scare him. The only thing threatening that day was Terry’s presence—six feet seven inches, three hundred pounds, with black sleazy shades on the whole time inside the office. The depo began: Spell your name. Where do you live? How old are you? Where do you work? Obviously, Charley was nervous sitting across the table from Terry, his three lawyers, the court reporter, me, my lawyer, etc. Charley tried to act composed, but he was stuttering slightly, shaking a bit, spelling out his full name. Don’t forget, I’m sure that all Terry was thinking was that this young cabana boy was sleeping with his wife! But as the questions continued, Terry asked to take a break.
He walked out into the lobby. Charley left to go to the bathroom. My lawyer and I went outside as well.
As my lawyer and I walked back inside the building, to our surprise and shock Terry and Charley were standing together in the doorway area, talking civilly! This was not status quo for any deposition. Then Terry called me over. He told me that he was over all the bullshit and that he didn’t want Charley to fear him and his presence. He wanted to stop the deposition and come to a mediation. What? I thought. Why the sudden change? I’ll never know. Maybe it was because Terry realized that Charley had been dragged into this. Or maybe Terry had ulterior motives to end the divorce drama, because he finally had a deal, a business deal that would require his time and that it would behoove him to just move on. I don’t know, but two days later we met again. This time it was just me, Terry, my lawyer, and three or four of his attorneys.
For the first time in a long time we talked amicably. We began to negotiate. Back and forth we went, until we shook hands on it all. I hugged Terry, thanked him, and told him I still loved him! His change of heart made everyone there so happy. You felt a lightness in the room. While everyone was shocked, they were also so relieved about the change of attitude. Truth is, no one likes to see people fighting and at each other’s throats. And it was like old home week! Outside the room, I hugged his lawyer, he hugged me, Charley and Terry patted each other hug style on the back. Crazy! Just insane! And, like that, it was over.
Life in the Jungle
Building a marriage and a life with someone is like building a house of cards. It has to be treated very delicately. Every time you build up a wall you intend for it to be strong. But sometimes the weight becomes too much on one of the sides. Then it all comes crumbling down. That’s what happened to me.
I was spent mentally, physically, and spiritually. And when these three parts of your life, which are supposed to work in unison, are failing, it’s time to make changes.
We all have awakening moments during our lives. For me, it was right before I decided to divorce Terry. One day I realized that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt my heart this much. At first, I was angry. Then I felt powerless. Next all the animosity, anger, rage, resentment, and fury that I had been building up came out of me at once! I knew I needed to save myself, but I just didn’t know how. There’s an old saying, you can’t eat the elephant in one bite. I learned that the only way you can truly find the peace you are looking for is in baby steps. I understand it now.
After reading this book, if you realize that you’re faced with a situation like mine, don’t feel that life is over. This is a fresh start for you. You should be excited! Build a new life for yourself. Take it from someone who has been in your position. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want you to know, there is an end to the insanity. And the time it takes to get there goes by faster than you think it will. Get out of that jungle like the lioness (or cougar) that you are!
Here are a few little pointers I felt helped me and hopefully can help you, too! I’m not a psychologist. I’m only speaking from my heart and using the knowledge I’ve gained through my experience as a wife, a mother, and a survivor of divorce.
Make a list: Make a list of everything that is negative and keeping you from the life you want. Then, make a wish list of everything you dream of. Start crossing stuff off those lists. Before long, you’ll be where you want to be!
Take care of yourself: It doesn’t mean that you have to go to a fabulous salon. It could mean getting a little bit more sleep, taking a walk, or taking a few vitamins. You don’t feel so insane when you’ve given yourself time out of the busy schedule.
Start living: Be more adventurous! Say yes more often. Sometimes, it’s just easier or more convenient to say no, but you know what they say, “Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.” So go for it!
Your inner circle: You need a support system of close friends around you at this time. Being alone is dangerous. There are friends and family near you or a phone call away who really do care about you. You can lean on them, but don’t abuse their support. Allow them to make you feel better and laugh a little.
Action causes reaction: When you smile at a random person, they usually smile back. It changes the course of your day. Go for that dinner with that friend. Do take that dreaded phone call—grab the bull by the horns and handle that situation. Good or bad, things will change! If you are monopolized by fear, nothing will change.
Forget crying: Crying in your soup, feeling sorry for yourself, is natural and you deserve to feel sad. But after a while ask yourself: Is he really worth me crying this hard? Swollen eyelids and cheeks weren’t my best look. Kick it in the head and get over it!
Don’t use your kids: Don’t use them as shrinks, pawns, or excuses. Keep them busy—let them go to Grandma’s or a friend’s house. It’s better for them not t
o be dragged into the divorce and not to see Mommy or Daddy as a mess.
Stay classy: Don’t act on emotion and impulse. Even though you want to prank call him, egg his house, put a tuna sandwich under the hood of his car. Oh, I can think of lots of things that I wanted to do. Three words: not worth it!
Redecorate: I found it so healing to go around the house removing his “stuff.” Make the space yours, even if it means less is more. Flowers, a few inexpensive items from Walmart—throw pillows, a new bedspread is a must! Remove draperies. Open it up then have a party!
Silence is golden: It’s so hard to stay quiet, but by gabbing to your neighbor, the gardener, or others about the details of your new private life, they’re sure to reach the ears of your husband’s camp. The less said, the better.
Payback: Even if you think that sleeping with his boss or best friend would really fluff his feathers, you’ll regret it. Having him seeing you happy is enough payback!
Pity party: Don’t go on and on about your divorce at a party. Leave people wondering how you manage to stay so positive and look so happy. Fake it till you make it!
Young and restless: I pulled my bike out and started riding it again. I played outside with my dogs. I walked on the beach. I stayed up and sang karaoke in my kitchen with a disco ball glowing, all alone till midnight! I tried on my short dresses with heels and modeled for myself in my bathroom mirror (looking at the bright side, not the backside). I felt empowered, young, beautiful, and sexy!
Live in the now: Be aware of your surroundings, of your health, of your youth of today. Enjoy it. Tomorrow will have its own complexities, so be present in each moment. When your kids are talking, listen and be there. My ex had tattoos put on each wrist. One says “Aware” and the other “Present.” He’s probably wishing he’d done more of that during his marriage. I guess we all need reminders of how important it really is.