by Ruth Mancini
I sat back down on the sofa and drank some more wine while I flicked through the TV channels. The wine was red, warm and velvety, like the rose.
Zara appeared in the kitchen doorway. “People have misjudged me all my life,” she said. “You get used to it. As long as you know the truth, that’s all that matters.”
I nodded. “You’re right. And as you say, what’s the alternative? I’ll phone her, Catherine, I mean. As you say, she’s one of my oldest friends; and we’re practically related, now, what with Helena and Sky being brother and sister. There’s them to think about now. We’ll just have to agree to disagree. I’m fed up of fighting, of feeling this undercurrent of emotion all the time. I just want to move on now and celebrate the good things: my new job, Helena’s exam results – fingers crossed – and look to the future.”
Zara nodded. She came over and sat down beside me.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “About the baby. Do you... do you ever look at Helena and think...?”
“All the time. I think about how they’d have been the same age, how they’d have grown up together, about how they would have been like brother and sister; I’ve always felt it was a boy. And do you know what? I’m actually jealous of this Sky. When we first found out about him, that he existed and that he was the same age as Helena, it was like all that hurt came up all over again. Now Helena has got him. He has taken the place of my baby. She loves him; it’s ’Sky this, and Sky that’. And it should have been my little boy that she loved like a brother. I mean, I know they wouldn’t have actually been related, but they were going to grow up together, weren’t they? Best of friends, like us. That was the plan. But now, as you say, it’s you and Catherine that have that bond, as their parents. Not you and me.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think of that. About Sky, I mean. That you might be feeling that way. Now I feel really selfish,” I said.
Zara took my hand. “Don’t say that. You’ve been through so much. We both have. Some things, you just have to learn to live with, even though the pain never completely goes away. Because, what’s the alternative?”
I nodded. “Yes. You’re right. What’s the alternative?”
“You just have to remember that some days are better than others, and that tomorrow is always another day.”
I looked at my friend and smiled. I really did think she was amazing. She’d lived for so long with the stigma, as well as the pain, of mental illness – a double whammy. If she’d had cancer, the world would have rallied round and supported her, praised her strength and her effort for coming through it and out the other side. Instead, she’d battled alone, apologising for the nightmare that she’d been living, for the behaviour she couldn’t control, looked down on by those around her who were either afraid of her, or didn’t understand, or both. She’d dealt silently all these years with the losses she’d endured as a consequence of her illness (her baby, her job) and the side effects of the drugs she was forced to take. She’d lived with the fear that she could relapse at any time, without notice – there were no tests you could do, there was no ‘all clear’ for this invisible illness. There was only hope, and courage, and she had that in abundance. She was the bravest person I knew.
*
Catherine was waiting outside London Bridge Tube station when I arrived. It was a beautiful morning and the sun was already high in the sky. Perfect, I thought.
“Hi,” she said, putting her hand on my arm. I put both arms round her and hugged her tight. She squeezed me back for a moment and then said, “So. What do you want to do? Shall we walk along the river? Go to the market? Or have a coffee at the National Theatre?
I shook my head. “I’ve got a better idea. Follow me.”
“Where are we going?” Catherine grinned. She’d always loved surprises.
“You’ll see,” I said and began to stride off down London Bridge Street. Catherine ran to catch up with me, but she didn’t have to run far. “Here we are,” I said, stopping at the foot to The Shard, which was glistening magnificently in the sunshine as it shot up into the sky in front of us.
“Oh, Lizzie, I’m sorry. I’d love to,” Catherine said. “But do you realise how much it costs? I really can’t afford it. I don’t get paid until next week and even then I’ve got Sky’s birthday to start saving for.”
“My treat,” I grinned. “It’s all the Christmas and birthday presents I owe you for the last eighteen years. And also, to celebrate my new job.”
“Your new job?” Catherine looked up at me. She was grinning and frowning at the same time, and it made me laugh.
“I’m going to be living and working in London for a while.”
“You’re joking?” Catherine looked pleased. “When?”
“I start in five weeks’ time.”
It was Catherine’s turn to laugh. “Just like that? You only came here for a long weekend!”
“I know. But I’ve been offered a job here and I accepted today. I’ll be working for a doctor at a hospital in Euston. He’s French and an academic, as well as a practising neuro-radiologist. I’ll be translating his publications and researching, and helping him with his clinical studies. It’s going to be really interesting work. Now all I’ve got to do is get back home and sort out who’s looking after my house and the dog.”
Catherine laughed again. “That’s so you, Lizzie. I remember when you moved to London from Cambridge, you made your mind up and you went, just like that.” She clicked her fingers. “It takes me a month to decide if I’m going to buy a new pair of shoes and then another month to decide on the colour. But you, you always know immediately what you want, and you go for it straight away.”
I glanced at her, wondering whether the subject of my decisiveness was about to lead us into forbidden territory, namely my designs on her ex-fiancé or my spontaneous ‘decision’ to sleep with him behind her back. But Catherine was smiling at me with that affectionate ‘I know you so well’ look that she always used to give me, and I quickly dismissed my unwanted thoughts.
“Yeah. Well, it’s a no-brainer really,” I said. “It’s not as though I have anything to lose.”
“What about your boyfriend?”
“He’s okay with it,” I said. “In fact he’s probably going to take care of the house and the dog while I’m gone.”
“Nice boyfriend,” Catherine commented, looking genuinely surprised.
I felt another stab of guilt. Was I being totally selfish? But then, if Christian had had an opportunity to do the same, I’d have been pleased for him. I would never have stopped him. I’d have done all I could to help.
“He must love you a lot,” Catherine said.
I thought about that for a moment. “Yes. I think he does. Too much, maybe. Maybe I don’t deserve him.”
“Don’t be silly.” Catherine nudged me. “Of course you do.”
We walked into the foyer and queued for tickets. By the time we walked through the passageway to the lifts, Catherine was literally jumping up and down with excitement. “I’ve wanted to do this for ages,” she said. “How did you know? It’s going to be amazing, and it’s such a beautiful day. We came here in the snow, a couple of months back, me and Zara. It was the day I met up with her again and we were saying...” I smiled, and she stopped and looked at me. “She told you,” she said, accusingly. “You knew I wanted to do this.”
“Well...”
Catherine grabbed hold of me as the lift jerked into action and then hugged me. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome,” I smiled.
We went as high as we could go, to the platform near the top, where you could walk out into the open air and gaze over the whole of the city.
“Oh my word,” Catherine breathed as we walked round the platform. If there had been any clouds they’d have been right there, all around us. “Oh look!” She pointed suddenly. “There’s Shakespeare’s Globe. And there’s HMS Belfast. Doesn’t the river look amazing?”
My knees felt w
eak and my heart started racing a little at the sheer height we’d reached, but I was so glad we’d come. It was the best way I could think of to tell Catherine that her friendship meant more to me than Martin’s lies. It was as though we had literally risen above it.
After we’d come back down to earth, we strolled to Borough Market and ate enchiladas in the grounds of the cathedral. Catherine pulled her skirt up and stuck her legs out into the sunshine. I rolled up the legs of my jeans and lay back on the grass beside her.
“So what are you getting Sky for his birthday?” I asked.
“Driving lessons I think,” she said. “He’s desperate for a car, but I can’t afford that too. I figured that if he at least learns to drive he can buy himself something old when he gets a job.”
“Helena’s just passed her test,” I said. “We got her lessons too, for Christmas. And a car.” I realised too late how tactless that was, that it probably sounded like boasting. I obviously had more money than Catherine did. “Well, it’s an old car,” I said. “It didn’t cost much. And Christian paid for the lessons.”
“Wow.” Catherine smiled, with genuine admiration. “A car. Lucky Helena. That’s great. She must have been over the moon when she saw it.” I’d forgotten that Catherine was so generous. She wasn’t the envious type and wasn’t going to resent me for giving my daughter what she couldn’t give her son. I remembered why we’d been such good friends. There were so many things about her that I liked. I was glad that I’d been given a second chance, and that I hadn’t thrown it away.
“Well,” I smiled. “You know what they’re like. If she hasn’t even mentioned the car to you, she’s probably forgotten she’s got it by now. Maybe I should have given her an X-Box instead.”
“I’m sure she’ll have mentioned the car to Sky.”
“So, is he finished with studying? What sort of job is he looking for?” I asked.
“He’s not sure. He’s thinking of maybe something to do with sport. I think he’s been inspired by Helena.”
I nodded. “Makes you wonder, doesn’t it, whether it’s in their genes? What with their father being a swimming coach.”
Catherine looked across at me. “Are you still worrying about him?”
I nodded “Yes. I can’t help it. I am.”
Catherine sat up and hugged her knees. “Well, maybe you should just tell him, about Helena. Be done with it. You can’t spend all your time worrying about him finding out if he already knows.”
I sat up too. “Are you kidding?”
“No. I’m serious. I’ll be on your side, Lizzie. If he kicks off or does anything crazy.”
“So you agree that he could?”
Catherine shrugged. “Not really. I mean, I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. I really don’t think he’ll care. He’s too selfish. He wants to be number one. He hasn’t got it in him to care unconditionally for someone else. That’s why he didn’t want Sky or... or the other baby. And, what can he do, anyway, let’s face it?”
“Turn her against me,” I said.
“How? Why?”
“He could poison her mind. Make her think I’m the one to blame for her not having had a father all these years, to get me back for taking her away.”
Catherine looked doubtful. “He’d probably just be glad he hadn’t had to pay you maintenance for all those years.”
I thought about that for a moment. “Did he pay you?”
“Not formally. Not through the CSA. He’s given me money here and there, when I’ve asked for it. But not much in the last few years. Of course, Sky’s eighteen now and he’s no longer in full-time education. So I’m guessing that’s probably that.”
“Well, I don’t want anything from him,” I said. “I just want him to stay away. Helena’s my kid. He doesn’t deserve her.”
Catherine didn’t say anything for a moment. She snapped open a can of Diet Coke and took a sip. “Did you want any more?” she asked me. “Kids, I mean.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t mind really, one way or the other. Of course, I didn’t plan on having Helena in the first place, although she was a pleasant surprise, once I’d got over the shock. I was on my own for quite a long time after I first moved to France. Deliberately, in part,” I added. “I needed some time on my own. I mean, I wasn’t actually on my own. I had Helena, of course. But I recognised that I’d been very dependent on Larsen and I knew that a new relationship would hold me back in more ways than one. So I wasn’t really looking for one, and I didn’t find one.”
“Until Christian?”
“Well, there were one or two before Christian. I’m not a nun.” I smiled. “But he was the first man that I wanted to spend lots of time with. And he was brilliant with Helena. Always has been.”
“He sounds it.”
“Helena was twelve when I met him. I was almost forty by then. So, in answer to your question... well, more children – it just wasn’t going to happen.”
“Did Christian want them? Children of his own?”
“I think he would have liked them.”
I could feel Catherine’s eyes on me still. “And you feel guilty,” she said.
I smiled. “Yes. I feel guilty. About everything really, where he’s concerned. He’s so good to me. And to Helena. That’s one of the things that made it so easy, with him. I’d been really careful. It wasn’t just a question of being on my own because I wanted it that way. In fact I was really lonely, a lot of the time, for all those years. When I left England I wanted to make sure that when I fell in love again, it would be – well, like the song goes, forever. But I also wanted to make sure that it was right for Helena. I didn’t want there to be any chance that she would ever go through what I did with a stepfather. You know.”
“I know. I know exactly what you mean. Me too. That’s how I felt about Sky.”
I nodded. “I wasn’t naïve. I knew there would never be anyone else who’d love her completely and utterly, in quite the same way that I did. But Christian came pretty close. He was gentle, caring, patient with her. He took an interest. And he was good company, for us both. He’s intelligent, interesting, he’s pretty much everything you could ask for in a man. But I just don’t know if...”
“...he’s ‘the one’?”
I nodded. “Is Clem ‘the one’, do you think?”
Catherine smiled. “I think so. But then, I’m not the best judge of character, am I? I thought Martin was ‘the one’. And look how that turned out?”
I patted her hand. Catherine had grown through her experience, for sure. She may not yet have been willing to accept the full extent of Martin’s abusive behaviour, but she certainly saw him more clearly now; she didn’t have the same blind conviction in the forces that drove him which had once controlled her every action, her every move.
“He was a one off,” I said. “But you seem like your own person now. You’re really different. You don’t seem anything like you were when you were with him.”
“Really?” Catherine looked pleased. “Do you really think so?”
“Of course I do. You’re the... the polar opposite to ‘a shell of your former self’.”
Catherine laughed. “Yeah. I’m a bloody great big fleshed out, fat-legged... beached whale.” She poked at her bare thighs, which were still soaking up the sun.
“I meant spiritually, not physically! I’m trying to say that you’ve grown back.”
“I’ve grown back?” Catherine wrinkled up her nose.
“Oh, God. You know what I mean. Okay, what’s the opposite of a shell?”
“A shellfish? A fish? A fat fish?”
“You’re not fat!” I protested.
Catherine lay back down on the grass. “I’m a self of my former shell,” she announced.
I smiled. “That’s it. That’s what you are.”
“So what are you going to do? About Martin?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “The kids have said they won’t tell him. But Sky has his email addres
s. You knew that, right? He says he sometimes gets a ‘Happy Birthday’ message.”
“Yeah. When he remembers. But that’s about it.”
“So, will Sky tell him?”
“Honestly? I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t think so. But I can’t say for sure. Sky’s quite...”
“What?”
“Free-spirited,” she said. “He’s a bit confrontational. He doesn’t really like anyone telling him what to do.”
“Can’t you speak to him?” I begged.
Catherine lifted her head slightly and shaded her eyes with one hand. She propped herself up on one arm. “That’s what I’m trying to say, Lizzie. If I lay down the law, tell him not to do something, he’s likely to do the opposite. And to be honest, I don’t think this really comes within my remit as a parent, so I’ll lose the moral high ground there. You’re best off either taking the bull by the horns and telling Martin yourself, or just letting it go. Leave things as they are. Helena has asked Sky not to tell Martin about her, and to be honest she’s probably the one with the most influence over him right now. So, you need to decide what you want to do. You’re torturing yourself. And it’s not worth it, hon. It’s really not. He’s not,” she said.
I nodded. “I know. You’re right.”
“You know that expression, about not poking a sleeping giant?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, either wake the giant up or leave him alone. But don’t keep on poking him.”