by Ruth Mancini
I shrugged again. “I don’t know. I think that’s probably a very good reason to marry someone, but it can’t be the only consideration.”
“What else is there to consider?”
“Compatibility. Shared vision for the future. Whether you both want the same things – kids, for instance. Whether one of you is going to have to sacrifice a part of themselves to make the other one happy. Whether that will cause resentment further down the line.”
“The sex,” said Zara, from the back. I gave her a look, which she misinterpreted. “Whether it’s good,” she clarified.
“And if you do have children already, whether he’ll be nice to them,” I added.
Helena turned off the dual carriageway and followed the signs to the town centre. She slowed briefly and shoved the directions she’d printed from Google Maps into my hands.
“I need a SatNav,” she said.
“Yes. You probably do.” I added the SatNav to my mental list of ‘Things Helena Needs’ as opposed to the ‘Things Helena Wants but Doesn’t Need and Will Nag Me About until I Cave In’. I studied the piece of paper she’d given me. “Next left,” I told her.
“Well, Christian’s always been nice to me. But I’m eighteen now, Mum,” she said. “You don’t have to think about me like that. I’m not a consideration anymore.” She indicated left and slowed down as she turned the corner. “So it’s down to you. You do love him, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.” I wasn’t going to debate the ins and outs of my feelings about Christian with my eighteen-year-old daughter, no matter how grown up she seemed.
She shrugged. “Well then, it’s a no-brainer from where I’m sitting. He loves you to bits. He adores you. He’ll never let you down. Whereas Doctor Love, whatever his name is...”
“It’s Ducasse.”
“...is an unknown quantity. He might seem exciting now...”
“And sexy,” added Zara.
“...but you don’t know anything about him. He might be a sexual predator, a big-head. Self-centred, unreliable, unfaithful. A womaniser. He might just be there to chew you up and spit you out.”
I couldn’t argue with that, I supposed. “Good God, Helena,” I said. “When did you get so cynical?”
“I’m just saying, Mum. He could break your heart.”
“He might not,” said Zara.
“You could give up the best thing you’ve ever had for a lifetime of rejection and loneliness.”
“Well, when you put it like that.”
“I’ll have him if you don’t want him,” offered Zara.
I looked over my shoulder again. “You haven’t even met him!”
“She doesn’t need to,” said Helena. “She likes the sound of him already.”
We all laughed.
Helena pulled into the sports centre car park, found a space and switched off the engine. “Just don’t do anything stupid,” she said.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” said Zara.
Helena looked at me and smiled.
*
Sky was already on the poolside talking to the team coach when we arrived. He was wearing shorts and flip-flops, his long hair tied back in a ponytail.
“So, that’s him, is it?” Zara stared through the glass viewing window to the pool as Helena disappeared towards the changing rooms.
“That’s him,” I said.
“He’s handsome,” said Zara. “I can see the attraction.”
I looked at her. “What attraction?”
“The reason why Helena’s so taken with him. There’s something about him. You know what I mean.”
I sighed. “Unfortunately, I do.”
“He looks a bit mean,” Zara commented.
“Do you think so?” I respected her opinion. Zara was quite intuitive where mean men were concerned. They were usually the ones she went for.
“Yeah. He looks like someone who’s got a lot of hurt and anger going on, deep inside.”
I considered that for a moment. “You’re probably not far wrong. He was a little boy who was rejected by his father. He couldn’t do a thing right. He’s probably still wondering why, and longing to please him and gain his love.”
“Ah,” said Zara. “Poor kid.”
“Well, I could be wrong. Sky gives the impression of being very cavalier, and easy-going.”
“Still waters,” said Zara, who still hadn’t taken her eyes off him.
“Hmm.” I followed her gaze. “There’s definitely something about him that I’ve never felt quite comfortable with, but I don’t really have anything to base it on.” I fed two pound coins into the vending machine and ordered Zara and I a watery instant coffee each. “Except that he thinks I’m a slut,” I added as I placed the coffee on the table and pulled out a chair and sat down.
Zara laughed and sat down beside me. “Don’t worry. He hasn’t met me yet. I’m way more slutty than you.”
I looked at my friend and laughed. “I can’t really argue with that, hon.”
“No need,” said Zara. “I like who I am.”
“I like who you are too.”
Zara shuffled her chair in closer to mine and leaned across the table. “So come on, then. What’s happened? With Doctor No. Or is he going to be Doctor Yes?”
I laughed and took a sip of coffee. “Ouch. This is hot.”
“Don’t change the subject. I know something’s going on. I have a sense for these things.”
I laughed again. I looked through the viewing window towards the pool. Helena was now standing at the water’s edge, talking to Sky and tucking her hair into her swim hat.
“Come on, I’m waiting,” laughed Zara.
“There’s nothing to tell!” I protested. “Except...”
Zara frowned.
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said. “You know I’m rubbish at this sort of thing. Okay. If I’m honest, I think there might be a bit of chemistry between us. I feel... alive when he’s in the room. I know that’s wrong. I’m with Christian, I know. But I can’t help it. It’s how he makes me feel. You know? It’s the way he looks at me. He took me for lunch yesterday and he told me he wished he could spend more time with me. I don’t know if I’m misreading things. He may just be a nice guy, a gentleman, trying to make me feel good about myself – for the job. For having moved to London for... well, for him. That’s probably all it is.
“Or on the other hand,” I continued. “He may be what Helena said: a womaniser. Maybe he compliments every woman he meets and tells them how he’d like to spend more time with them. He’s good-looking after all, and he’s French. He’s a handsome French doctor who works at a prestigious teaching hospital, in a city full of single, smart, beautiful women. He could take his pick. Maybe he’s got a whole string of women. Why would he be interested in me?” I paused and looked up at my friend. “Zara? This is the point where you’re supposed to interject to tell me that I’m a smart, beautiful woman, too, and why wouldn’t he be interested in me? Though I’m not single, of course, not strictly speaking. But I’m not married either.” I paused again. Zara was looking over my shoulder. “You’re not even listening!” I complained.
“Oh, fuck,” said Zara.
“What? What is it?” I was confused, and surprised too. Zara hardly ever swore.
Zara’s eyes flickered back and met mine. She reached for my hand across the table. “Lizzie...” she began.
“Well, well, well,” interrupted a familiar male voice from behind me. “If it isn’t Busy Lizzie.”
I pulled my hand away from Zara’s and spun round in my chair. My stomach lurched and my heart began to pound in my chest.
Martin smiled. “Fancy meeting you here,” he said. “Long time no see.”
11
He looked the same. Older, of course, but the same. He was wearing jeans and a white T-shirt with a sport logo that I didn’t recognise. I could see that he was in good shape still. His sandy hair was streaked grey and had receded at the front, so that his
forehead was larger and more pronounced than it had once been. But his eyes were just the same as I remembered them. Teasing. Flirtatious. And mocking. I glanced through the window to the pool. Helena was sitting on a bench near the poolside chatting to one of her teammates. I stood up so that I was directly in front of Martin, blocking his view of her.
“What are you doing here?” My voice sounded shallow and reedy.
He continued to smile. “I’ve come to see my son. He’s coaching a young lady who’s competing here.”
I narrowed my eyes and said nothing.
“And you?” he asked, still smiling. “What are you doing here?”
I didn’t answer him.
“Isn’t this a coincidence?” he said.
I continued to stand there, rooted to the spot, looking into his face. I could see both Sky and Helena in his features; there was no mistaking that he was their father. Martin moved his head to one side of me and looked in through the pool window. Zara stood up next to me and tried to obscure his view further, and I nearly laughed because she barely came up to his chest.
“Hello Zara,” he said. “How are you?”
“Hello. I’m good. Thanks,” she mumbled, looking down at her feet and then at me, for guidance.
“Well.” Martin looked me up and down. “You look good, Lizzie. Really good. How long has it been? Let’s see. A little over eighteen years, I’d say?”
My heart was beating hard against my chest. I didn’t trust myself to speak. My knees were weak. I realised that they were actually trembling and I hoped that Martin wouldn’t see that.
“Ah, there he is,” said Martin, looking up. “My son. Seems he’s following in his old man’s footsteps. Swimming must be in the blood. You know him, right?”
I nodded. “Yes. Catherine and I...”
“You’re friends again. Of course you are.” Martin said, and added, “That’s great,” as if he was giving his blessing to our friendship. He clearly thought that we needed it. It made me feel angry and patronised, as well as helpless.
He looked back through the window to the pool. I followed his gaze. Sky was walking over to the bench where Helena was sitting. A whistle blew. The first heat was about to start, but I didn’t know what to do. I needed to know what Martin’s next move would be. If he went in, to the poolside, she would see him. Would she know who he was? Would she guess? Or did she maybe even know what he looked like already? I realised with sudden clarity that she must; of course she must. Sky was bound to have shown her a photo of him. She was bound to have been curious. It was highly unlikely that she wouldn’t have asked.
The whistle blew again and we all turned to face the window. It felt as though my legs were going to give way. I hoped that Martin would at least walk away from us so that I wasn’t standing next to him. I couldn’t be standing next to him when she looked for me, if she did.
“Not going in?” Martin asked.
I shook my head and sat down. Perhaps if Zara and I stayed here and he went on in and sat at a seat at the back then she wouldn’t notice him. Maybe she’d be too psyched up to spot him. If he did that, I’d go in too and hover near the door so that she could see me and know I was there, cheering her on. But I couldn’t be the first one to go in, in case he followed, right behind me, in an obvious way. Plus, I needed to keep him in sight, whilst I figured out what to do next.
Martin didn’t go in. Instead, he walked over to the viewing window and settled himself in the corner, a few metres away from us. He pulled out a plastic chair and sat on it with one foot up on the window ledge. He focused intently through the glass. Sky was standing in front of Helena. He handed her a towel, patted her on the shoulder and walked away. I didn’t have to see Martin’s face to know that he’d just seen that exchange, or to know that it wasn’t Sky that he was now watching intently, but Helena.
I took a deep breath and looked at Zara. She opened her mouth to speak but I quickly shook my head to silence her. I beckoned to her slightly and we got up and walked over to the coffee machine so that we were nearer the door to the poolside, and out of Martin’s earshot.
“What do you want?” I asked her loudly.
“I don’t really want another one,” whispered Zara.
“Yes you do,” I hissed, and fed some more money into the machine. I ordered her a hot chocolate and Zara took it and sipped at it.
I saw Martin glance briefly over at us but his attention was now focused on the pool and on Helena, who was now lined up ready to dive. He couldn’t take his eyes off her.
The whistle blew again and she was in the water. She was right that her swim times had improved. She was way ahead of her closest opponent before the first lap was over and her tumble was neat and efficient, which gave her an even better lead on the second length. I felt conflicted. Half of me was proud – I could see that she’d developed her technique, as well as her times, in the months since I’d last seen her swim. The other half of me was terrified about what this might mean to him.
Sky spotted Martin through the window as he walked round the pool. A vague smile crossed his face and he looked away again as if he hadn’t seen him, and then looked around at the spectator area, clearly looking for me.
“The meddling bastard,” I whispered.
“Him?” Zara whispered back, nodding at Martin.
“No. Sky. I’m not going to be responsible for what I do to him when I get him on his own.” The stress and fear inside me was turning fast to rage.
“You think Sky asked him here?”
“I know Sky asked him here. Martin told us, didn’t he? He came to see his son. Only he didn’t, of course. He came to see his daughter.”
Zara shook her head. “I don’t think he knows who she is, Lizzie. He said Sky told him he was coaching someone, but he doesn’t know who.”
I turned to face her. “He knows,” I said.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m 100 per cent positive,” I said.
I walked nearer to the window and Zara followed me. I could now see Martin’s face, though I couldn’t read it. Helena was on the final lap and he looked both engrossed and excited. She finished easily, a good two metres ahead of her closest opponent. We all watched her get out of the pool and walk off towards the bench and the team coach, who shook her hand and nodded as he spoke to her. She then walked over to the door to the shower and changing area and disappeared. My heart stopped in my chest.
“She’s gone for a shower. She’s getting out,” whispered Zara.
“I know.”
Martin stood up and walked over to us. “Well, it’s been nice.”
“You’re leaving?” I asked, surprised.
“Oh Lizzie, don’t look so sad,” he said. “I’m sure we’ll bump into each other again soon.”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out.
“I mean,” Martin continued. “Now that we have this common interest.” He paused and looked me directly in the eye. “In regional junior swimming competitions.”
And then he was gone, striding off towards the door. Zara got up and followed him towards the exit.
“Where are you going?” I hissed.
“Toilet,” she said, loudly. Then more quietly, “To make sure he goes.”
I nodded.
Martin exited the doors ahead of her and she ran into the corner near the entrance and peered out of the window.
I put my head in my hands and tried very hard not to cry. My stomach ached from the tension.
“He’s gone,” said Zara, falling into a chair beside me and heaving a huge sigh. “He’s got a black BMW. I saw him get in and drive off.”
She put her arm round my shoulder and gave me a squeeze.
“I’ll kill him,” I said. “I’ll bloody well wipe that bloody permanent smile off his stupid face.”
“Martin?”
I put my head in my hands and wiped my eyes. “Yes. Martin.”
I felt Zara nudge me. I looked up. Sky was standing next to me.
I leaped to my feet. “What have I ever done to you?” I hissed at him, tears of anger forming again in my eyes. Sky took a step backwards. “She told you she didn’t want to know him. Why couldn’t you just respect that? Why did you have to interfere?”
“Hey!” Sky made a ‘back off’ motion with his hands. “I didn’t know he was going to be here, alright?”
“Of course you did!” I said, but more quietly. I knew that Helena could walk out of the changing rooms at any moment. “And it’s not alright. It’s not alright at all.”
“Look, it’s a free country,” Sky said, defensively. “I sent him an email, told him I was coaching now. Why wouldn’t I? It’s what he does. I wanted some tips and I knew he’d be interested. But I didn’t know he was going to turn up. What can I say? He obviously wanted to watch me in action.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Sky. Wake up,” I said. “It’s not you he came to see. He didn’t even wait to talk to you.”
Zara shot me a warning look, and I knew I’d gone too far. I instantly regretted what I’d said, but I couldn’t bring myself to apologise after what he’d done.
“You’ve told him about her,” I accused him.
“No, I haven’t,” Sky retorted. “But if I had, then that’s between me and Helena. I don’t owe you anything. You of all people.”
He turned on his tail and walked back onto the poolside, pushing the door hard and leaving it swinging behind him.
I turned to Zara. “What does he mean, ‘you of all people’?”
“I don’t know. Ignore him, Lizzie. He’s just been caught out, that’s all.”
I sat back down and pressed my fingers against my forehead, where a headache was beginning to form. I rubbed at my temples in a circular motion.
“I kind of believe him, though,” Zara continued. “Martin didn’t stay to talk to him. So, maybe he knew that he shouldn’t have come and that Sky wouldn’t have wanted him to. Maybe that’s why he left. And, in fact, if he knew about Helena being his daughter, then he’d have stayed to talk to them both, wouldn’t he? He’d have wanted to get to know her. But, he didn’t go anywhere near her. He didn’t even go in to the poolside.”