by Sj Hooks
You're a grown man, for God's sake.
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the pain in my chest, until I finally curled up in a ball and fell asleep.
* * *
I woke up when I heard the doorbell ringing. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, surprised to see that it was almost dark outside. I had slept for several hours. I walked to the door and the second I opened it I was attacked. Warm, soft lips pressed against mine, kissing me hungrily, and small, eager hands explored me all over. It took me a second to register that Julia had practically jumped me in my hallway.
What is she doing?
"Julia! Julia!" I choked out between frantic kisses.
She pulled back for a second and I caught a glimpse of her eyes. They were red-rimmed and teary. She launched herself at me again and her hands were everywhere. Everywhere.
Oh God, I have to stop. She feels so good, but something’s wrong.
Somehow, I found the strength to gently push her off me. She groaned in frustration and whirled away from me, stomping inside my apartment. I was temporarily stunned and needed a minute to collect myself before I followed her into the living room, where I hesitated to approach her. She stood with her back to me, smoking a cigarette. I didn't say anything about it; frankly, I couldn't have cared less in the moment. Something was clearly going on with her. I noticed that she was wearing a black dress, much more conservative than her usual style, and her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. She looked different than I’d ever seen her.
"What's wrong?" I finally plucked up the courage to ask.
"What makes you think anything is wrong?" she shot back, taking another angry pull of her cigarette.
"You're smoking. You only smoke when you're partying or if you're upset about something."
"You think you know me just because I let you fuck me a few times?"
I inhaled sharply. How could she be this cruel to me? Then, her shoulders slumped and I noticed her hands were shaking.
"I'm sorry," she said in a small voice. "I don't know why I said that. I should go."
She turned to walk past me, but I held onto her shoulders and made her look up at me. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears and she looked like she hadn't slept since I saw her last.
"What happened?" I whispered.
"Nothing.” She shook her head. "I just…"
She brushed past me into the kitchen, where she held her cigarette under running water before she threw it in the trash.
"Look, are you going to fuck me or not?" she asked.
What? I can't, not like this.
"Julia."
"Are you?" she asked impatiently.
"No, but—”
"Then there's no reason for me to stay!" she exclaimed, and headed for the hallway.
No. I am not letting her leave like this.
I grabbed her hand, mentally preparing myself to get thrown down like last time, but she simply stopped, hanging her head. I held her hand gently and felt it tremble in mine as she stood with her back turned to me.
"Please," I whispered.
I wasn't entirely sure what I was begging for. That she would stay? That she would let me in? That she would let me love her? All of the above?
"Please," I said again a little louder, giving her hand a small squeeze.
Her shoulders trembled and I realized that she was crying. She was crying, and it broke my heart. Without another thought I pulled her to me and enveloped her in my arms. Loud, gasping sobs shook her body as she leaned against me.
Oh God, what should I do? What do I say?
I had never comforted a crying woman before and I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I had no idea what had happened to her. She didn't look physically hurt, at least. I gently stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.
"I'm here, I'm here," I whispered. I didn't know if those words brought her any comfort, but I hoped she understood that I was here for her. She pulled away, and I was scared that she would leave.
"Do you want something to drink?" I offered.
Please say yes, please say yes.
She nodded and I hurried into the kitchen. I was unsure what I should serve her. Alcohol didn't seem like a very good idea.
Think. She's upset and needs something comforting.
Inspiration hit me and I started to pull things from the fridge and freezer quickly. I found her in the living room again and handed her the tall glass, which she eyed, frowning.
"What is this?" she asked, turning it in her hand to inspect it.
"Um, it's a, uh, a black cow?"
"A what?"
"It's a root beer float. You know…with ice cream," I explained. She gave it another long look before taking a drink from the straw.
Oh God, I hope she likes it.
"This is good," she said, sniffling a little. "Why did you make it for me?"
"My mom used to make them when I was upset," I confessed. "You know, when I was little."
Her eyes watered again and I immediately regretted telling her, although I didn't know why she was crying. I took the glass from her and put it on the coffee table, as though that would somehow make her less sad. She stood in front of me, looking like she was two seconds away from either jumping me again or sprinting to the door. I wasn’t interested in either, so for once I took the lead and ushered her over to the couch where we sat down next to each other.
"Why weren't you in class today?" I asked cautiously.
"I had to be somewhere," she said. "I'm sorry I missed it—and our talk afterward."
"That's OK. Are you all right?"
"Why do you care?" she asked.
Because I love you.
"I…just do."
She turned her head to look at me for a second and wiped away a tear. "Yeah, I'm all right," she sighed.
I looked down at her hands resting in her lap, and saw that her nails were bitten down to the quick. What had happened to her? I realized that I would have to drag every answer out of her if I wanted to know anything.
"Where did you go today?"
She sniffled again and blinked a few times. "A funeral," she whispered.
Oh, no.
I reached over and took her hand gently in mine.
I'm here, Julia. I'll be here for you.
I didn't know if I should ask her who the funeral was for. Would that be too forward of me or would it be impolite if I didn't inquire further?
"It was my grandfather," she said before I could ask.
"Oh Julia, I'm so sorry," I said softly, grasping her hand a little more firmly.
Her gaze traveled down to our joined hands and without warning she yanked hers away from mine before jumping off the couch. Even with her back turned I could see that she was upset. She was breathing faster and clenching her fists at her sides.
"I don't even know why I'm this fucking upset about it!" she suddenly yelled.
I stood up and put my hands on her shoulders cautiously. She flinched at my touch but at least she didn't pull away.
"I mean, it's not like I've really lost anything," she mumbled, mostly to herself.
"Was he…sick?" I asked.
She let out a bitter laugh. "He was probably in better shape than I was. But his mind…" She took a shaky breath and I felt her tremble again. "He…he didn't even…I was his…and he didn't even," she sobbed.
I couldn't make out the meaning of her words. She was crying again. I tried to turn her around but she wouldn't move. Instead, she picked up the book that I had been reading earlier and hurled it across the room with an angry yell.
"He didn't even know who I was, Stephen!" she cried and spun around into my arms. I picked her up and sat down on the couch with her curled up in my lap. Her body shook with sobs and she didn't say anything for a long time. I held her tightly and stroked her hair and it seemed to calm her a little. She felt so tiny and fragile in my arms, almost like a child. While I was beyond willing to have her stay here tonight and take care of her in her time of n
eed, I was sure there were people waiting for her.
"Julia," I murmured softly. "Do you want me to take you back to your family? Your parents?”
"They're dead," she said in a monotone.
"Oh, God," I whispered. "Julia, I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
"That's OK. You didn't know," she said, leaning her head on my shoulder.
"Siblings?" I asked, almost afraid of hearing the answer.
"No, it was just me and Pop."
No family at all?
"Now it's just me, I guess," she whispered. "I can go to Megan and Sophia's if you want me to leave."
"No!" I said immediately, tightening my hold on her. "Please stay. I don't want you to go. I just thought you might like to be with…you know…”
Don’t say ”family”.
She sighed. "I know we don't usually do this, but…"
"But what?" I asked.
"Can I stay here tonight?" she asked, so quietly that I could barely hear her.
"Of course," I said, running my hand up and down her back. "You can stay as long as you want."
Stay forever.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"Do you need anything?" I asked. "Can I do something?"
I felt so helpless and I didn't know how to make it better for her.
"I'd like to get out of this shitty dress," she mumbled. "I hate it."
"Um, would you like a bath first?" I asked. "You can borrow something to wear afterward."
She nodded and crawled off my lap. I led her into the bathroom and showed her where I kept the towels before I went into my bedroom and found a pair of pajamas. After a few minutes I knocked on the door and walked in to find her sitting in the tub with her arms curled around her bent legs, soaking in the water. She was so tiny and my heart ached her for.
"Are you hungry?" I asked. "Did you have dinner?"
She shook her head.
"Lunch?"
"No."
"Julia, when was the last time you ate?"
"Yesterday…maybe. I'm not hungry."
"I'm making you something," I said firmly.
"OK,” she said, nodding her head. I was happy that she didn't argue with me.
"Just come out whenever you're ready, all right?" She nodded again and I turned to leave.
"Thank you, Stephen," she said quietly.
I gave her a smile and then left to give her some privacy. In the kitchen, I decided to make a simple pasta dish. It was quick and I knew that she liked Italian food. I was exceedingly happy that she had decided to come here in her time of need and that I was able to take care of her. I made a few calculations in my head while I was cooking, and came to the conclusion that her grandfather must have died sometime Saturday since I had seen her on Friday at the club. I wished that she would have called me when she found out, but I hoped that she had at least been with Megan and Sophia the last few days. I hated the thought of her going through all of this on her own.
I had just finished making dinner when she came out of the bathroom, looking skittish and out of place, wearing my pajamas that were so big on her she had to roll up the pant legs several times to avoid stepping on them.
“Thank you for the clothes,” she said, shifting her weight.
I gave her a smile, hoping it would ease her nervousness. I didn’t want her to feel awkward around me, even though things were so different than she was used to right now.
“You ready to eat?” I asked.
She nodded and helped me carry the food to the table, though she hardly touched it and her mind seemed like it was a million miles away. I reached over and covered her hand with mine.
"Are you OK?"
She looked up at me and nodded. "I guess. It's not like I wasn't expecting this. He'd been sick for a while. Alzheimer's.”
"Was it…bad?" I asked carefully. Her eyes watered again and I could have kicked myself for asking inane questions that only made her more upset.
"I’m sorry, you don't have to tell me anything," I said quickly.
"No, it's OK. Yeah, it was bad at the end. He didn't know who I was."
"That's awful," I whispered.
"He thought I was one of the nice nurses," she said bitterly. "They should be nice, with what I was paying them."
"You were paying?"
"I was his guardian of sorts," she explained with a sigh. "There wasn't anyone else and it's not like he could manage his affairs himself. It's pretty poetic, really."
"What is?"
Her bottom lip trembled and she drew a stuttering breath. "He…took care of me after…my parents. And then I took care of him.”
She picked up her glass and had a sip of water.
"That's why we moved here, you know, “ she continued. “The home he was in. They're really good with Alzheimer's patients. I tried to visit as much as I could. We had dinner together a few nights a week. Not that it made a difference to him. He…he forgot me."
Her voice cracked on the last word and she buried her face in her hands. I had never seen her like this, so vulnerable and unguarded. She was usually in complete control of herself, and it pained me to see her so hurt and frail. I knelt next to her chair. I put my hand on her knee and she lowered her hands again. She looked as though she was going to say something, but instead she launched herself into my arms.
I sat on the floor for a while with her curled up on my lap. She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of the pajamas before sighing heavily.
"What is it?" I asked softly.
"I'm so tired," she whispered. "I haven't really slept. The funeral arrangements took a lot of time."
"You did all of it by yourself?" I asked incredulously.
"No one else to do it," she answered, shrugging. "I'd like to go to bed now." She stood up and started clearing her plate, but I told her to get ready for bed and that I would clean up. She gave me a grateful smile and padded into the bathroom while I quickly cleared the table.
"Stephen?" she called. "Do you have an extra toothbrush?"
Damn.
"I'm sorry, I don't.”
"I'll just use yours, OK?"
Normally, the thought of someone else using my toothbrush would have bothered me, but because it was Julia it made me smile. Maybe it was stupid, but somehow it made everything more real. She was really going to spend the night with me.
"OK,” I called out.
I used the bathroom next and changed into my own set of pajamas. Julia was already in bed and I wasn't sure how to proceed.
"I can, uh," I said and motioned toward the living room.
"Just come to bed, Stephen," she mumbled. She was on her side facing me and I lay down on my back. I didn't know if I should hold her or not. I didn't want to overstep and risk that she’d want to sleep on the couch. I really, really wanted to hold her, though. When she moved a little closer, I decided to take the plunge. Slowly, I reached over and pulled her against my chest, and much to my delight she melted into my embrace, wrapping her arm around me.
"Thank you for letting me stay," she whispered.
I kissed her forehead and caressed her hair. "Don't thank me," I murmured. "I meant what I said before. You can stay as long as you like."
"And thank you for the flowers," she said, pressing her lips against the side of my neck. "They're so beautiful."
"You really like them?"
"I love them," she said softly. "I didn't get them until I went home today. I was staying with the girls. My neighbor found them and put them in water for me."
"Oh, I, uh, I thought maybe you didn't like them, or…I didn't hear from you."
"I'm here now, though.”
I kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair again. She sighed a little and soon her breathing became deep and regular. I had never spent the night with a woman before, and now I was glad for that fact. I only ever wanted to sleep with Julia. I was finally able to hold her for more than a few minutes and it was wonderful to know that she would be here all night a
nd that I would see her again in the morning.
I felt terrible for her loss and I hoped that she would stay for at least a few days so I could take care of her and be there for her. I was shocked to learn that she was all alone in the world. She should be with people who loved her in this difficult time. Well, technically she was with a person who loved her. She just didn't know it.
Hugging her closer to me, I sighed. I loved her, but I still had no idea what the future held for the two of us, if there even was a future. What would happen tomorrow? Would she simply leave and that would be that? Nothing had been resolved. She had come here for sex and I had denied her, offering her food and comfort instead, which she had accepted. Did that mean something? Would she still only see me as a good “lay,” to use her expression, or could I somehow convince her to give me a real chance? She had said she didn’t do relationships and I was sure there was a reason for that. Had someone hurt her once? Was that why she rejected the idea of romance and love?
I still didn’t know much about women in general, but I did know her. She had taught me so much about sex and physical pleasure. Perhaps it was time I taught her about romance and the art of wooing. I could do that. I would do that.
I didn’t have an exact plan, but that would be my mission from now on. I would make her my lover, in every sense of the word.
I listened to her breathing, making sure she was fast asleep, before I whispered, "I love you."
END OF BOOK 1
Absolute Lovers
An Absolute Novel
Book 2
By SJ Hooks
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Epilogue
Chapter 1
Images and sounds from my dreams swirled inside my head as I woke up: Julia’s eyes, her lips, the curve of her hips, the sweet sighs she made as I kissed my way down her body. Waking up aroused was business as usual and automatically I reached down, lazily rubbing my erection through my pajama pants. I moaned a little and gripped it tighter. I was about to pull it out and start stroking when I heard a small giggle next to me.