by Sj Hooks
“You were fine,” I promised, giving her a reassuring smile. “Let’s have that drink. Thirsty, my dear?"
Julia’s mood visibly lightened.
"Why yes, darling," she said, batting her lashes in a coy manner. "I feel quite parched."
I grinned as we approached the bar and ordered wine for both of us. This whole situation was so ridiculously formal and it wasn't who we were at all. Julia and I were jeans and T-shirt people, sitting on the couch all cuddled up watching a movie or listening to music. Well, actually, Julia was an inappropriately short skirt—which I loved on her—woman, and I was more of a button-down shirt kind of man. But the sentiment remained. We were casual and this setting was not one we were comfortable in. There was nothing to do but laugh at it, and I felt so incredibly happy knowing that tonight we would be home again where we could be ourselves. I would peel the beautiful but much too formal dress off her, lose my suit, and be naked with her. We didn't necessarily have to make love. Simply enjoying her natural beauty was enough.
OK, that was a lie. We hadn't been together for a few days and I knew that I wanted to be with her in every way the second we got to my place.
How many times did I just use the word "we"? It doesn't matter. I love doing it!
"What are you thinking about?" Julia asked.
"Getting you out of that dress,” I answered unthinkingly.
That made her laugh.
"You read my mind,” she said, “but we should probably stay for a little while, don't you think?"
"I suppose."
We received our wine and I noticed that people were watching us closely. Julia noticed as well.
"Why is everyone staring at us?" she whispered.
"They're wondering what on earth a gorgeous woman like you is doing with someone like me," I half-joked.
Truthfully, I still didn't fully comprehend what Julia saw in me that she couldn't easily get elsewhere. It seemed like a dream that she had picked me out of all the men who clearly desired her. Even now at the party I could feel their eyes on her. Men who were old enough to be her father were looking appreciatively at her and while I could understand why, it didn't make me any less irritated.
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close to me, sending a clear message to anyone who might be entertaining themselves with thoughts of her.
Mine. She is all mine.
Intellectually, I knew I had no ownership over Julia, but I suspected I was no different than any other man feeling possessive of his woman, even if it wasn’t entirely true.
"That's ridiculous," Julia scoffed in response to my remark. "You look hot, baby. Half the women here are undressing you with their eyes as we speak."
"The men are doing the same to you," I countered.
"Well, they can't have me," she said with a sexy smile. "I'm your girlfriend and you are my boyfriend, right?"
I nodded eagerly.
"They can't have you either," she continued and glanced around the garden. "Especially not that redhead with the huge tits over there. She's ogling you as if she knows what you look like naked."
My blood turned to ice. I knew which redhead she was referring to, although Michelle had always called the color of her hair “strawberry blond,” as if that was somehow fancier. I tried to look discreetly in her direction but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to see her. She knew a lot more than what my naked body looked like and I hated it.
"She does know," I whispered. "That's Michelle."
Julia stood a little taller and wrapped her arm around my waist.
"Well, that puma better stay away from you," she growled, pressing herself against me. "She's up to no good, I can tell. And she needs to keep her eyes to herself."
"Why do you call her a puma?" I asked, uncomfortable at the knowledge that Michelle was looking at me.
"She's a little too young to be a cougar," Julia said, as if that cleared things up. I still had no idea what she was talking about but decided not to ask.
"What are you two whispering about?" Matt asked as he approached us.
"Something about pumas and cougars," I mumbled, draining my drink quickly.
"What?"
"I was just saying that Michelle woman is eyeing Stephen like she wants a piece of his man meat," Julia explained. "And she's not quite old enough to be a cougar."
“Man meat”? Wait…my penis? Absolutely not. Even if that were the case, she can’t have it. It's for Julia's enjoyment solely.
"True," Matt nodded. "But she definitely has potential." He smiled at Julia. "But I think you can take her on anyway."
"Are you kidding me?" Julia said with a grin. "She better not try anything. I'm a freaking lioness. I'll kick her ass!"
Matt laughed out loud and even I had to smile at her feistiness. I was still uncomfortable and felt as though I was on display. I could feel Michelle's eyes on me and even though Julia was glued to my side, it didn't lessen my anxiety completely.
"Uh-oh," Matt stage-whispered. "Looks like the puma’s making her move. She's coming over."
Oh no, no, no!
"Oh God," I croaked. My heart rate was already spiking and I needed to get out of there.
"Let me give you a tour of the house," I said to Julia, pleading with my eyes for her to come with me, now.
"I'll run interference," Matt said.
"Michelle! Long time, no see!" I heard him boom as I practically yanked Julia away and escaped into the house.
I started to show her around as if on autopilot, pointing out random things until she pulled on my arm.
"Hey!" she said and made me look at her. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"
I sighed. "I just don't want to see her.”
"Why?" she demanded. "I know it's a little awkward, but we can't spend the rest of the party running away whenever she comes near."
Oh God. This is so embarrassing.
"Please talk to me, baby.”
"OK, let's go somewhere a little more private," I said with a defeated nod.
We walked upstairs and as we entered the bedroom where I had spent my youth it all came rushing back to me: Michelle and me in that bed together, both of us slightly drunk; me shaking with nerves and her not responding to my fumbling touches. The memory made me cringe. I didn't want Julia to know that side of me. I was different with her. Julia would never make me feel inadequate or hurt me just because she could. She was wild and adventurous, but also tender and loving, which was exactly what I needed. With Julia I was able to explore and discover new things that we both enjoyed in the bedroom without feeling embarrassed. In a word, she was perfect for me.
While I was extremely reluctant to let her in on the specifics of my sexual past, I also knew that honesty was always the best policy.
"Wow, looks like you were a fuddy-duddy even when you were a teenager," Julia teased with a sweet smile when she looked at my alphabetized books from school.
I chuckled and nodded. I had always been a stickler for order, while it seemed that Julia preferred chaos. It was interesting how we still seemed to fit together despite our vast differences, and it made me smile.
"So…your ex is here," she said and sat down on the edge of my bed, cutting to the chase.
"No, she was never my girlfriend. You're my first."
And hopefully last.
"Right, you said that before. So you guys just had a casual thing going, or…?"
"Not really. I mean, I've known her my whole life, basically. Our parents are friends but she never gave me the time of day. But I…I developed a crush on her anyway. It was stupid."
I practically followed her around like a puppy dog. God, I was so stupid!
I hesitated for a few seconds. "We only did it once. Um, had sex, I mean."
"Oh. And you were hoping that it might be more?" Julia ventured.
I nodded. "Yeah, I thought it meant that she wanted to be my girlfriend. I was…naïve."
"How old were you?" she asked
gently and reached out her hand to me.
I took it and sat next to her on the bed. "Twenty-one."
Julia made a surprised noise.
"Late bloomer, I guess," I said with a grimace.
"That's all right. It's better to wait and not do it too early, I think," she reassured me.
"I guess. I wish I would have waited even longer."
I should have held out for you, my Julia. It would have definitely been worth it.
"So I take it that it wasn't what you hoped it would be?"
"Not even close," I admitted and looked down to hide my face. "It was awful and she was…mean."
"What?"
"She was mean," I said again.
"No, I heard you the first time, but what do you mean when you say that?"
I really didn't want to tell her. I had never felt more humiliated than after Michelle and I had sex. She hadn't made any allowances for my nervousness or the fact that it was my first time. I didn't have any practice in restraint and try as I might I couldn't last longer than a minute or two before I came. She had looked up at me disbelievingly and asked if that was it, even though it was pretty evident that I was done.
But the worst part was when she went to put her clothes back on. Wanting to redeem myself, I asked her if we could do it again. I figured that I would last longer and I wanted to do whatever I could to make it good for her. I didn't like feeling like a failure and I hoped that she would give me another chance. But she hadn't done that. She had laughed at me and left without another word.
I didn't want Julia to know that, and I especially didn't want her to know how I had sobbed into my pillow that night because I felt like I wasn't a real man. Even in those days Matt had had a lot of success with the opposite sex and the phone was ringing off the hook with different girls who all wanted to talk to my brother. Never once was there a call like that for me. I suppose I had hoped that when it happened for me, I would turn out to be a good lover, and my awkward years would finally be behind me as I became a man.
"She didn't have an orgasm," I admitted. "And when I wanted to do it again to make it better for her, she…" I swallowed nervously. Julia stroked my hand with her thumb.
"She what?"
"She…she laughed at me. Like the idea of sleeping with me again was utterly ridiculous and pointless. Like I was worthless."
Julia inhaled sharply and tightened her hold on my hand. The silence in the room was deafening.
"Please say something," I whispered, afraid to look at her.
"What. A. Fucking. Bitch," Julia said slowly, punctuating every word.
"Yeah," I said, shrugging. "It wasn't exactly an ideal introduction to sex, and I guess now you know why I was so awkward when we first started sleeping together."
"You didn't seem awkward to me," she said. "You were nervous, sure, but I figured that was just because I was your student and you were worried that it would get you in trouble. I never doubted that you wanted me and you certainly didn't disappoint me in any way."
"I don't know why it's so different with you. Even the first time it was different. You just felt…right."
Julia leaned into my side.
"You feel right," I corrected and finally raised my head to look at her. Her eyes didn't show any judgment and radiated tenderness and understanding.
"Thank you for telling me," she said. "She shouldn't have treated you like that. You deserve so much better, but if it's any consolation, not very many have a great first time."
"Really?"
I hadn't ever discussed intimate matters with anyone except Julia and therefore I didn't know a lot about other people's sex lives. Well, except Matt's, of course, and I always took everything he said with a grain of salt. Actually, a big old pile of salt.
"I hardly know anyone who actually enjoyed it. Girls mostly remember the discomfort, and guys worry because it was over so quickly. You're not alone in wishing that you had waited for the right person," she said with a hint of regret in her voice.
"How old were you? Your first time, I mean."
I realized that the only thing I knew about Julia's sexual past was the fact that her ex-boyfriend had been unfaithful. I could only assume that with Julia's level of experience that she had started her sexual journey a lot earlier in life than I had.
"I had just turned sixteen." She sighed. "I was way too young, now that I look back on it."
"Why did you do it?"
"I was stupid," she said, rolling her eyes. "I felt pressured by my boyfriend. He was experienced and I was infatuated, and didn’t want to lose him. Age-old story."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, wrapping my arm around her. "Was it bad?"
"The worst," she groaned. "It hurt like a motherfucker and afterward he just rolled off me and fell asleep. Asshole."
What a cad! How could he have treated her like that?
"Are we talking about the same, uh, asshole you caught cheating?"
"The very same," she said bitterly. "I was with him for more than two years."
Two years? Wow, that is a really long time.
I felt like such a novice again compared to her. I may have been ten years older but Julia had so much life experience already. She had been in an actual relationship and before I met her I had never made it past the fifth date. I was catching up on the sexual aspects, but I still had no idea what it took to be a good boyfriend. Julia had probably already experienced all the things I wanted with her: spending holidays together, anniversaries, and everyday life as a couple.
"Two years?" I asked quietly. "You were really serious, then."
"I swear, you have nothing to be jealous of," she rushed out.
"I wasn't—"
She arched an eyebrow at me.
"OK, maybe I was. Just a little," I admitted.
"Please don't be," she said imploringly. "What we have is so much better."
"Really?"
"Yes!" she insisted. "I was just a dumb kid when I was with Derek and I didn't know anything about life or what I wanted out of a relationship. He played me like a goddamn fiddle and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he cheated on me the whole time we were together. He really fucked me over, and I can't believe I wasted two years of my life with him. It was so fucking stupid! The way he treated me!"
She had clenched her fists. It was clear that it bothered her still after all this time. I pulled her into my lap, holding her closely.
"Shhh. You don't have to tell me anything else, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business.”
She relaxed in my embrace and let out a shaky breath.
"No, I want to tell you everything," she said softly. "Just maybe not right now?"
"Whatever you want," I whispered.
"I want you to know me. Even the bad stuff.” She pulled back slightly and looked at me. "That's why I was reluctant about us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend," she added, sounding apologetic. "Because he was so rotten to me."
"I understand," I said immediately. "You don't have to explain. I’m really happy that you decided to take a chance on me, though.”
"I am too," she said, resting her head against my shoulder. "You're already a much better boyfriend than he ever was."
"Really?"
I probably shouldn't have asked her that because it made me seem needy and insecure, which frankly wasn't that far off, but I liked hearing that I was doing something right with her. I wanted to make her happy and it was nice to know that my natural instincts were good outside of the bedroom as well.
"Really," she confirmed. "I should have known immediately that you would be good to me, the way you looked at me that first night."
"Which way was that?" I asked curiously.
"Like I was someone special."
"You are," I said, pulling her closer to emphasize that fact.
"And you wanted to please me so badly," she added. "You wanted me to feel good too. It wasn't just about getting off."
I nodded. "It
wasn’t. It was a revelation. I never thought I could make a woman feel what you felt and make the noises you made. It was incredible!" I smiled at the memory.
"And I made you come," I added, just a little bit smugly.
Julia chuckled. "You sure did. You're the best lover I've ever had and the most wonderful boyfriend."
Her sweet words made me feel warm all over and they healed a lot of the old wounds my male pride had suffered over the years, starting with the night I lost my virginity to a cold and unfeeling woman. Looking back on it with what I now knew, I could clearly see how lazily and selfishly she had behaved. She had expected me to do all the work while she lay there like a dead fish and then judged me afterward for not knowing how to help her enjoy it.
"I guess we found another thing we have in common—a crappy first time," she said after a few seconds as if she had read my mind.
That was certainly true. How differently would I have turned out if my first sexual experience had been with someone sweet and understanding? I probably wouldn't have spent the better part of my twenties feeling apprehensive about being intimate before I finally gave up on the whole thing and became celibate. But it was pointless to think such thoughts, and now I had something that was so much better than a lot of notches on my bedpost. I had a wonderful girlfriend who made my heart sing and made my body quiver with carnal pleasure. Despite my previous failures when it came to women, it would seem that I had now achieved the greatest success I could think of: a loving, committed relationship, which was what I had always dreamed about in my solitary years.
"I'm sorry I dragged you up here," I said and kissed her forehead. "I just didn't want to see her again and I was worried what she might say. I'm pretty sure she told Matt how bad I was or he would have pestered me for details."
Julia shook her head.
"What a bitch," she said again. "You were nervous and she should’ve known better. I mean, she wasn't a virgin too, right?"
"No, definitely not," I answered. "I guess she just used me and I was so stupid that I actually thought she might feel something for me."
"It wasn't stupid at all," she said and looked into my eyes. "She was the stupid one, Stephen. She could have had you and instead she hurt you. I hate that she did that to you."