by Sj Hooks
"I won't let you do this," I said gently. "You're not throwing away a once in a lifetime opportunity just to stay here because of me. If we weren't together you wouldn't hesitate for even a second, would you?"
Her silence answered the question.
"Take me out of your decision-making, then.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she took her hand away from mine. "You…you want us to break up?"
"No!" I gasped. "No, I would never! I love you, Julia! God, I love you so much, sweetheart." I pulled her into my arms, needing to show her that this was by no means an attempt to end our relationship. I had meant it when I told Sophia that I wouldn't break up with Julia if she went away.
"I want you to have everything," I continued. "That's why you can't factor me in, because you'll have me whether or not you go. You can have the Fulbright and me. I'll wait for you. You can go, and I'll still be here when you get back."
She shook her head and the tears spilled out onto her cheeks.
"No," she whispered. "I won't leave you. We promised we wouldn't leave each other."
"You won't," I croaked, swallowing the lump in my throat. "We'll still be together. I swear. We promised that we wouldn't get scared and abandon each other—even if things got tough. This isn't the same, sweetheart. I don't want you to have regrets like I do. Before I met you I was so scared of everything even remotely out of the ordinary. I don't want you to look back on your life ten years from now and wonder what might have been. I don't want you to regret us because you thought you had to choose between the two. You can have both."
I could see that my logic was getting to her. She knew that I was right even if we both wished that I wasn't.
"I only want you," she insisted. "I don't want us to break up."
"We won't," I insisted just as firmly.
"Long-distance relationships are a crock of shit, Stephen," she said and pulled back before wiping her eyes. "They never work out. Thousands of high school couples learn that every year when they go off to college on opposite ends of the country."
"It may not for others, but it will work for us," I said. "We're not in high school. We're two adults and it's not like you're going to a party school with fraternities and, um, ‘keggers,’ I believe they're called."
A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.
"You know you can trust me," I continued. "I won't stray. I will never do a thing to hurt you."
"I know that," she said softly. "I wouldn't ever do that to you, either."
"And it's not as though we won't see each other," I told her, taking her hand again. "You'll come home for Christmas and I can visit you for spring break. There are three-day weekends here and I'm sure they have all kinds of crazy holidays in Europe when you won't have classes." I leaned down and kissed her lips.
"We can write letters and emails. We'll talk on the phone all the time," I said and kissed her again.
"Or Skype," she sniffed as the last of her tears dried up.
"Absolutely! I, um, I don't actually know how that works exactly, but we'll do that too!" I watched as she smiled again.
"Please don't think that this has to end. I want you to follow your dream, corny as that sounds," I said. "We can make this work, sweetheart. I know we can."
"How can you be so sure?" She looked up at me and I cupped her face in my hands.
"Because we love each other," I said softly. "And because we want to make it work. It won't be forever and we still have a little time before you have to leave, right?"
"Yeah, I guess," she said, nuzzling my chest with her cheek. "I can't believe you've talked me into considering this."
I can't believe it either. I've actually been trying to convince my girlfriend to leave me for almost an entire year. There has got to be something wrong with me!
But I knew there was nothing wrong with me—I was being a mature grownup. It would be so much more gratifying to be young and stupid at a moment like this and tell Julia that she shouldn't go, that there was nothing out there in the world for her, and that she ought to stay with me forever. But of course I couldn't do that, however much I wanted to.
"I just want you to be happy," I whispered.
"I am," she said. "I already am, I swear."
"But you want to go," I whispered into her hair.
She didn't say anything, but I felt her breathing pick up as she pressed herself against me.
"I'm sorry," she whimpered. "I don't know why. I'm so happy with you, Stephen. I shouldn't want to go." She let out a sob and started crying in earnest.
"I must be fucking crazy," she cried, clinging to me.
"Oh no, sweetheart," I whispered and lifted her all the way into my lap. "There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to go. I understand."
"I don't," she said, shaking her head.
"It's the right decision. You're so smart, Julia. The smartest, most dedicated student I've ever had in any of my classes. Of course you want to go where you can learn more. You wouldn't be the girl I fell in love with if you didn't prioritize your studies."
After having lived with Julia during her finals, I knew how much her education meant to her and I didn't know how I could have thought for even a second that she truly didn't want this wonderful opportunity that so many students competed over.
"Please, can we just not talk anymore about this tonight?" she whispered. "I'm tired and I can't think about deciding anything right now."
I nodded and stood up, still holding Julia in my arms. I carried her to the bedroom, where I lay her gently on the bed and undressed her. Her eyes never left my face as I took off my own clothes and lay down between her parted legs. Our kisses were deep and unhurried, our caresses slow and loving. When I pushed into her she moaned softly and her eyes never left mine.
"I love you," she told me over and over again, as if she were afraid that I didn't believe her.
But I knew that she loved me. She loved me so much that if I asked her not to go, she wouldn't. She would give up her dream to stay here with me and I knew that I had to do the same. I would have to give up the dream of seeing her every day and starting a life with her. I had planned to ask her to move in with me once the semester started, but I knew that wouldn't happen now. My dream had to wait in order for her dream to come true. For her I could do this. Only for her.
She hadn't said anything, but somehow I knew that the decision had been made. She was leaving and it was the way it was supposed to be. The sweet girl in my arms who had experienced so much death in her young life was finally going to live life to the fullest, taking every experience that it had to offer.
And I would be right here waiting for her to return to me. I had no other choice, because she would be taking my heart with her when she left.
"I love you," I whispered as we lay together, tired and satisfied after our lovemaking.
I held her closer as though she was already slipping away from me. But she was still here, soft and warm in my embrace. I would spend every moment with her from now and until the second she had to leave and it wouldn't be nearly enough. It would never be enough. I knew it and yet I couldn't ask her to stay. I wouldn't do that to her. She had made me come alive and given me so many new experiences and adventures. How could I possibly stop her from pursuing the one thing she had wanted but never thought she would achieve? Julia would go to one of the finest universities in Europe and dazzle them with her wit and knowledge. She would learn things there that she couldn't here and once she returned, she would be even further ahead of her peers.
And she would be able to do this because she had people back home who loved her and supported her decision, especially her boyfriend. I would send her off with a smile on my face and then I would come home, lock the door, and cry my eyes out because my heart was gone, along with the only woman I would ever love.
"I love you, Stephen," Julia mumbled and snuggled even closer to me.
"Forever," I whispered and closed my eyes to hold back the tears. "Forever, m
y sweetheart."
Chapter 12
The incessant beeping of my alarm clock woke me up and I reached out, silencing it with my eyes still closed. I didn't feel well rested at all. My arm swept across the cold patch of mattress next to me, a harsh reminder that I was alone in bed. Again. Still.
Julia had been gone for more than two months. How I had managed to make it this long, I had no idea.
It hadn't gotten any easier to wake up without her, but at least I had somewhere to be, a purpose for getting out of bed. It was the middle of the fall semester and I had classes today.
It's afternoon over there. Julia’s probably at school right now attending that lit class she told me about.
She had chosen to go to London for her year abroad, both because she was able to get into a great university and also because she had loved the city when she visited it after high school. Even the fact that she had been there with her idiotic ex-boyfriend, the one who cheated on her once they got to France, hadn't changed her feelings about it and it had been her top choice. Of course she was accepted immediately, and on September 1 she had boarded a plane to New York and then another to Gatwick Airport just outside of London.
It hadn't been easy convincing her to go. There were many tears and heated arguments between us in the days after I found out about the scholarship. She had been extraordinarily stubborn about the whole thing, but I wouldn't relent, and with the help of both Sophia and Megan we were able to make her see that it was the right decision for her. All three of us had assured her that we would still be here when she came back and that nothing would ever change the way we felt about her.
I truly believed that. Splitting up or going on a break never once entered my mind and Julia never mentioned anything like it either. I still wanted to be with her and maybe I was naïve, but I fully believed that we were the exception to the rule when it came to long-distance relationships and their lack of success. I believed with all my heart that we would get through this. Together.
My feelings for Julia hadn't waned at all in the time that she had been away and I hoped it was the same for her. We talked on the phone at least every other day and we sent emails every night before bed. I lived for those emails and phone calls. Even if she’d had a long and tiring day she always wrote me at least a few lines about what she had been doing and ended it with an “I love you.”
Always an “I love you.”
Every time I read those words they made my heart clench. Every time she whispered them over the phone they brought tears to my eyes. I missed her more than I could put into words, something I’d discovered when I tried my hand at writing poetry as an outlet for all the heartache that I felt. What a disaster that had turned out to be. I was certainly no poet. I was just a man in love who wanted his girlfriend to return to him. I had written her dozens of letters in which I told her how I couldn't sleep, how nothing was the same without her, and how I longed for her desperately. They were all lying in the top drawer of my desk at home. I couldn't send them to her because I knew that they would only make her sad, and that was the last thing I wanted.
I could feel it creeping up on me, the loneliness that had been my almost constant companion before Julia came into my life and filled it with love, laughter, and passion. Things I never knew life could be filled with, things I never knew I could actually have. Before her, I hadn’t realized how lonely I had been, but now I couldn't escape it. I felt it all the time, even though I did my best to keep it at bay.
So I spent nearly every day at my office at the university instead of working from home because I couldn't stand being in my empty apartment all day. My mother and Richard invited me over a lot more than they had before and I was grateful for their pity. I did whatever I could to postpone crawling into a cold empty bed at the end of the day. I would lie there staring up at the ceiling, wondering if Julia was asleep halfway around the world or if she had already gotten up. She never mentioned having trouble sleeping when we talked, but then again, neither did I.
And I was brave every time we spoke—for her. All I really wanted to do was beg her to come home, even though I knew it was horrible and selfish of me. Of course I never did that. I asked about her classes and the friends that she had made at school. I laughed at the stories she told me of stuffy old professors who claimed not to understand her “Yankee accent” and smiled as I listened to her describe all the things she saw around London. I told her that I loved her and missed her and how incredibly incredibly proud I was of her and then I hung up, and then, on some nights when I was feeling particularly miserable, I would cry.
I didn’t tell anyone about that, though. Not my brother, when he asked me how I was holding up. Not my parents, when they hugged me a little longer than usual. Not Brian when he wanted details on the classes my brilliant girlfriend attended. And especially not Julia.
I would never tell her how badly I was coping without her because I knew it would make her feel guilty for leaving. She was doing so well over there, just as I had expected that she would, and I needed to pull myself together and be supportive. Even if her absence was killing me, even if I was miserable every single day we spent apart, and even if I fell asleep and woke up with nothing but her on my mind. She was succeeding and fulfilling her dream, and I wasn't about to ruin it for her because I couldn't cope with her absence. I had been the one to encourage her and I would continue to do so even if it meant hiding my true feelings.
But God, I miss her.
I rolled over on my stomach and buried my face in what had once been her pillow. It now served as something for me to cling to, pathetically, when I thought my heart would break into a million pieces if I had to spend one more night without her in my arms. I shifted my hips and pressed myself into the mattress, noting with disinterest that I had an erection. I hardly even bothered with “Kerou-whacking” these days, as Matt had put it. It was just an empty release when the pressure became too much. After being with Julia, there was no real pleasure in self-pleasure.
I finally got out of bed and went through my morning routine with lethargic movements. I looked at myself in the mirror and cringed at the tired old man staring back at me. Well, maybe not technically old, but I certainly didn't feel young. Not anymore. I just felt miserable. And with that miserable feeling as my constant companion, I went to work, where nothing was exciting because there was no opinionated girl with smudgy makeup in the front row to challenge me.
I knew that I wasn’t coping very well with Julia's absence. Having never been subjected to heartbreak and longing, I was certain that I was acting much like a lovelorn teenager. I sulked, I pouted, and I wallowed.
But I hadn’t anticipated being met by four concerned-looking friends as I came home that afternoon.
"What are you doing here?" I asked my brother and his entourage as I unlocked my apartment. "Did we have plans?"
It wasn’t likely, since I avoided their company most of the time these days. It hurt too much being the fifth wheel and I didn't like intruding on their double dates. I also was certain that they only asked because they felt sorry for me.
Sophia and Megan exchanged nervous glances, and dread hit me.
"Did something happen to Julia?" I demanded. "Is she all right? Tell me!"
"No! She's fine," Sophia assured me. "We're, um, we're actually here for you, Stephen."
"Me? What do you mean?" I turned to my brother.
"This is sort of an intervention, bro," he said, looking awkward.
"An intervention? But I don't have a drinking or gambling problem."
"You have a Jules problem," Megan said softly.
I thought that she was kidding but I quickly realized from the look on her face that she was being serious. They all were.
"No, not a problem," Shawn corrected. "That's not what this is about. We're concerned. You're not acting like yourself."
I let out a hollow-sounding laugh because he couldn't be more wrong. I was acting exactly as I had before I met Julia: lonely,
miserable, and sad.
"You never want to come out with us," Matt said. "We've asked you so many times and you always say no, and then I feel like shit because I know that you're here all alone. It's not good for you."
"I know you miss her," Sophia piped up. "We miss her too. But you can't put your whole life on hold because she's away. Jules wouldn't want you to sit home every night by the phone waiting in case she calls. You can leave the house, Stephen. That's the whole point of having cell phones."
She smiled as if she had just made a joke, but I didn’t find it funny, and frankly her attempt to make light of my misery made me angry.
"It's so easy for you, isn't it?" I practically sneered. "Coming here to my home and accusing me of…what, exactly? Missing her too much? Reacting badly to the fact that I feel gutted and hollow and really fucking miserable all the goddamn time? Well, I do! Sorry to disappoint you! How the hell would you react if Shawn suddenly moved away? You two can't stand to be apart for two fucking minutes! I'd like to see how you would cope!"
I pointed an accusing finger at the girl in front of me, who now looked embarrassed, probably because she knew that I was right. She and Shawn had been almost inseparable ever since they met. But the hurt look in her eyes made my anger dissipate as quickly as it came. Matt was gaping at me and I remembered that he had never really heard me swear before. I still didn't do it very often outside the bedroom but I was feeling beyond frustrated and sad, although I hadn't meant to take it out on Sophia. She was merely trying to help. They all were.
"I just… I miss her, you know?" I said weakly and sat down on the nearest chair, feeling exhausted. "Sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"It's OK," she said. "I can't imagine how hard this must be. We miss you, Stephen. We like having you around and, well, we kind of promised Jules that we would make sure you didn't turn all reclusive once she left. She was worried about you."