I heaved myself off the bed and allowed the white wall to assist my balance. Perhaps it was unfair to call it white. The paint had long since lost its luster, worn down by an endless string of tenants. Stains of anything and everything adorned these walls, but it was somehow comforting. No one was spotless. History left its traces whether you wanted it to or not.
My jeans came off with difficulty, then my boxers. I did it fast, discarding my clothes in a pile on the floor. At any other time I would have folded them, but for once, I didn’t care. Without sparing myself a glance in the mirror, I stepped into the shower. I needed warm water soothing my body back to strength. I needed rivulets running down my skin, removing the lingering pain—because without the pain, all I would feel was love. Deep, satisfied love, a love lost and found. I would smile and forget the mistakes we had made that had kept us apart for too long.
I would forgive.
Chapter Two
Even though I would have gladly skipped Christmas Eve dinner, Mom would never have let me hear the end of it.
Wearing my best poker face, I walked up the frost-covered gravel to the front door of the old villa. Mom had been busy decorating the wraparound porch, allowing twinkling lights to breach the darkness. Smiling at memories of helping her as a child, I knocked once and stepped inside the familiar hallway.
Mom rushed out from the kitchen. “Adam, darling, you are terribly late!” She flung her arms around me.
“I’m sorry. I fell asleep while reading.”
“Always dreaming away, aren’t you? Well, you have a bit of time to get settled. The lamb isn’t quite finished.”
“Do you want some help?”
“Absolutely not.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Look who’s finally here.”
Dad jutted his head out of the library. “Thought we’d have to share your presents between us.” His eyes gleamed behind the horn-rimmed glasses. The lenses were thick enough to give his warm hazel eyes a slightly frog-like look—a full-time dork, but I loved him. He was a retired mathematics professor, but once a mathematician, always a mathematician. If anyone had their head in the clouds, it was him.
A bubbling gurgle reached me from the living room, intermingled with excited squeals. My niece was an adorable little creature and it had been far too long since I’d last seen her. She tried to rise, wobbled and fell on the thick carpet.
“How did it go?” my sister asked while helping her daughter to stand. Vera was the only one apart from Chris who knew about the present for Gabriel.
“It went okay.” I fought to keep my expression neutral, hoping that she wouldn’t pick up on every little emotion simmering beneath the surface. No one can know.
“Good. Can you look after Alicia for a bit? I need to pee.”
She picked up her excited daughter from the floor and offered her to me. I cradled the little princess in my arms, feeling fully content for the first time that day. The wonderful bundle of joy knew nothing of my situation. She wouldn’t ask, and the only thing she required from me was attention, which meant I didn’t have time to think about what had happened with Gabriel.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew that our reunion had been rushed and unfulfilled, but I still hoped that the intentions and feelings behind his actions were of the right kind.
Alicia wiggled in my arms, tired of being still after mere minutes. It was time to do something instead of sifting through thoughts that failed to make sense.
Vera returned and nudged me to give her daughter back. “So, what happened with Gabriel?”
“Nothing special happened.”
She gave me an appraising look, telling me without words that the answer wasn’t enough.
“I don’t know. Maybe we can be friends again.” I wanted to tell her everything, but I was afraid that one word too many would make me slip.
She smiled toward her little girl, absorbed in her own story rather than mine. It had been like that since Alicia was born, and I understood why. Sometimes I missed the previous version of Vera—someone who listened with undivided attention—but my niece deserved all the devotion she received, which meant that I never stayed jealous for long.
“Just don’t let him push you around again like he used to.”
“He never pushed me around.”
Vera rolled her eyes. “You’ll always be a bit delusional when it comes to that boy. But, as always, I’ll stay out of it.”
I knew she hadn’t mean to hurt me, but she had.
I stopped myself from letting out a sigh. She would know that she had hit a sore spot if I did. Instead, I gave her a smile, which was lost on her since she was gazing at her daughter’s soft features.
To get away from the others, I struggled up the stairs and into my old room. It still looked exactly the same—a time capsule embracing my teenage years. It kept memories alive, and most of those memories held the echo of Gabriel’s laughter in the background. The posters on the wall were of all the bands we’d listened to together, the shelf held video games we used to play when he had come over, and my secret box of photos of the two of us remained under my bed. It wasn’t secret per se—Mom and Vera knew of the pictures, but Gabriel didn’t.
Chewing my lower lip, I leaned down and retrieved the box from its hiding place. It was, without a doubt, the masochist in me who longed to see them again. Watching the two of us captured together had been torture since June, but perhaps it would be different after what had happened earlier.
I sat on the bed, once again aware of the pain shooting up my back. It continued to work as a reminder. It had happened. We had happened. It wasn’t just a dream.
The box opened with a faint click, revealing my favorite photo on top of the pile. Gabriel held his arm around my shoulders, showing off his most recent trophy for everyone to see. He was smiling, letting down his guard while I gawked at him as if he were the center of the universe. We looked like a couple. It was embarrassing because it was clear how much I loved him in that picture, but to my knowledge, it was the only one of that kind, and Gabriel had never seen it.
I wiped it with my sweater, trying to remove all the fingerprints marring the surface. It had been touched a thousand times too many.
Falling back onto the bed, I cradled the photo to my chest and stared up at the plain ceiling. Maybe I could show it to him, since everything had changed. The thought made me smile, and this time it wasn’t forced at all.
I fished out my phone from my pocket and wrote a message, deleted it and wrote another one. He’d told me not to be afraid, so perhaps I was stupid to hesitate. I shook my head and rewrote it a final time.
Merry Xmas, I already miss you. x
It was a message I had wanted to send so many times but had never dared. This time was different. This time I knew that somehow, for some reason, he liked me back. I just hoped it was enough.
My phone beeped, and my hand shook as I opened the message, afraid despite being told otherwise.
Same. Merry Xmas
* * * *
I spent the night in my old room, stuffed with food and wrapped in a thick duvet. The house insulation sucked and winter nights were the worst, but I loved the place with all my heart.
Yawning, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. My sore muscles burned as I shifted, but I quickly shrugged it away when I saw the stocking hanging by the window. It was a nice feeling to unwrap the small gift, knowing that I had people around me who cared, who loved me. I smiled when I read the title of the book. The cover and title together screamed that it was LGBT sci-fi. Mom knew me well.
My parents were wonderful. Before I’d come out, they’d suspected I was gay, so when the day had finally come, they’d simply given me one hug each and told me I was brave to tell them. I was thirteen at the time—young, but very clear about my sexuality.
They had wanted to support me in any way they could, even if it meant keeping it a secret. In a way, I’d built a closet for all of us because I had been too afraid to come out to my friends.
/> Some kids had called me names despite my decision to keep it under wraps. Gabriel had asked me once, wondering if there had been any truth to the slurs. It had been the perfect time to tell him, but the coward in me had said no. Perhaps the outright lying for so many years explained why Gabriel had become so angry with me once I’d told him the truth. No one likes to know their friends have been lying, and especially not for as long as I had.
I’d kept him in the dark for years, always too afraid of the possible consequences.
The worst thing was that I’d been right. When I’d finally told him the truth, he’d pushed me away like I had feared he would.
My chest tightened as one of my more painful memories surfaced. Gabriel’s rejection had torn me to pieces, but it was time to let it go. I inhaled air deep into my lungs and exhaled slowly, thinking about the events that had played out the day before. My dream had finally come true.
“Adam, darling?” Mom called from the hallway. “Are you awake?”
Her warm voice scattered the dark cloud hovering around me.
“I’ll be down in a minute.”
* * * *
By the afternoon, I was comfortably enveloped in affection, almost smothered by my parents and my lovely sister. The day had been an easy ride without difficult questions, and I felt ready to tackle the new year. That was, until Vera decided to interrogate me as we gathered in the living room.
“So, now that you’ve finally understood it’s only friendship you’ll get from Gabriel, are you dating anyone, little bro?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows to taunt me.
“No, I’m not.” I said it with too much force and saw her face flinch with understanding.
She leaned into my ear, making sure Dad couldn’t hear her. “Oh, you do have someone. A secret lover?”
An unbidden blush warmed my cheeks. She wasn’t supposed to know, but I’d never been able to hide anything from her.
“Your denial speaks volumes.” She paused, assessing me carefully. “But you don’t have to tell me if it’s a secret. I mean, it adds to the thrill, doesn’t it?”
Mom came to my rescue, bringing in a tray laden with treats and coffee cups. “Don’t tease your little brother, Vera.”
“He’s not a kid, he can take it.”
Dad looked up from the paper he was reading. “He’s still a kid, won’t grow up until he’s got a beard on that face.” He returned to his reading.
That was a fine joke. I was pretty sure I would never grow any substantial amount of facial hair. As it was, I only had to shave away the scattered whiskers that popped out every few days.
“Always so funny, Dad. Wait until I’ve got a big fluffy beard, then we’ll see what you say,” I said, earning myself an eye roll from Vera.
I tipped the pot and poured coffee into the delicate cups Mom reserved for Christmas alone. Steam rose and swirled, and Vera was quick to burn her tongue. I hoped that would make her drop the subject of my secret lover.
“Adam, where is Chris spending the holidays?” Mom asked. She liked Chris way better than she had ever liked Gabriel, and I think she was a bit too pleased with my change of accommodation. Of course, I had never told her the real reason why I’d changed, partly because I didn’t want her to dislike Gabriel even further. If I had, she would have skinned him alive.
“Chris is with his brother.”
“Good. Otherwise he should have come here. He’s always welcome, you know.”
“I know, Mom, and he knows too.”
“Great.”
I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad that she didn’t even ask about Gabriel. The windows of his parents’ house glowed in the near darkness. It struck me that we hadn’t talked about how we were going to spend Christmas. What if he were sitting in a similar living room across the road?
I sipped my coffee and reclined on the couch. Even if I desperately wanted to call him, I had to build some courage first.
After dinner, when the house was calm, the urge to call became too strong. I wondered what Gabriel was doing, what he was eating, if his family had gathered or if he’d spent it alone. I doubted he was entirely alone, but once the idea settled, I had a hard time getting rid of it.
I bounded up the stairs with renewed purpose. Determined to call him, I plopped down on my bed with my butt in the air, then put the phone to my ear. My stomach fluttered with each ring.
“Hi.” Gabriel’s voice sounded odd, flat and disinterested, but my relief was instantaneous. He’d answered.
“Hi. Merry Christmas.”
“Look…” Gabriel paused. “I’m sorry for being so rough on you.”
My heart jumped a beat, and I somehow tried to keep myself steady by gripping the bedspread even if I was already lying down.
“It’s okay,” I breathed out, not sure if it was true or not. His apology sparked the pain to claw at me, reminding me of just how rough he had been.
“Tell me how to make up for it.” He sounded sorry—as if he truly meant what he said.
I smiled then swallowed hard, trying to make sense of all the conflicting thoughts rolling around in my head.
“Can I come over tonight?” I wanted this to work somehow.
The ensuing silence played with my emotions, letting them flail around while I was left in confusion.
“You can. I’m still at campus, though.”
“You spent Christmas on your own?”
“Don’t sound so surprised.”
“I’ll drive over right away. Be there in an hour.”
I couldn’t quite contain what I felt, so I cut the call and leaped off the bed.
He had said sorry. He wanted me to join him.
I looked out of the window, gazing at the stars. “To whoever is out there or not, thank you. Thank you.”
Chapter Three
I shrugged into my jacket, clutching my beanie and mittens while Mom eyed me with concern. They weren’t the least bit pleased with me going out into the snow to drive alone through the dark. Vera had a knowing look on her face, and she protested the least.
Any other day, I would have conceded to my mother’s wishes to stay the night, since she rarely asked anything of me. When she did, it was usually important. Besides, they had a point. I glanced out of the window and almost changed my mind. It wasn’t the best weather to drive in.
“I have new tires on the car. I’ll be fine. I promise.”
Dad adjusted his glasses. “That car is a piece of junk, great tires won’t help you.”
“Oh, shush! He’s going to his lover,” Vera said, grinning with the kind of knowledge big sisters seemed to thrive on. “Isn’t it romantic?”
I tried to contain my blush but failed miserably.
Dad muttered something and took a swig of Scotch.
I gave them each a hug, holding on extra tightly because I felt bad for leaving them. “Bye, everyone.”
“Don’t forget to call when you’re there. No matter how late it is.” Mom fussed with my jacket, clearly unhappy that I was on my way but also too kind to stop me.
“I will.”
I was halfway there when clouds rolled in and opened up, allowing large snowflakes to dance down from the sky to obscure my vision. It was beautiful in a way, and as the headlights struck the glittering surface of a lake, I decided to pull over. I didn’t cut the lights and watched as countless crystals glistened while they fell toward the lake below. I hurried to get out my new camera and snapped a photo of the eerie atmosphere. Mom and Dad had spoiled me with a very expensive Christmas gift, since I was about to take photography classes this term. Vera had stolen my last camera when Alicia had been born, claiming that she had better need of one. I’d kind of agreed.
I stared out across the landscape, letting minutes pass by. It was cold and bitter but stunning nonetheless. There was a loneliness to it as well, reminding me of how I had felt during the months after Gabriel had thrown me out.
Forcing a smile to my lips, I decided that I really had to stop wa
llowing in the past. We could only change our future.
* * * *
Half an hour later, I closed the car door and shifted from foot to foot in the ankle-deep layer of snow. It was far too cold to remove my mittens, but I’d promised Mom I’d call her. With fingers that quickly turned numb, I tapped on the screen and put the phone to my ear beneath my beanie.
Mom answered fast enough to make me wonder if she’d been hovering over the phone. “Hi, love. Are you there yet?”
“Yes, I’ve arrived. Sorry for leaving like that.” I felt bad but not bad enough as I watched the warm glow from Gabriel’s window.
Talking with her helped to keep my nerves at bay while I walked toward Gabriel’s door, and we didn’t finish the call until I stood right in front of it, tightening my fist to knock. By then, my stomach had come alive with flutters of soft wings.
I knocked and stood back, staring at the handle.
Faint shuffles reached me from the other side of the door, then, with a creak, it opened.
Gabriel loomed above me. A few drops fell from his damp, tousled hair, as if he’d just stepped out of the shower. His eyes gleamed and his lips drew back into a smile. It was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.
“Come in.” He stepped aside to allow me entrance.
I passed by, and as I did, he let his hand drift along my side, sending shivers up my spine. Breathing in a silent gasp, I stopped and closed my eyes. The sensation of receiving his touch, a touch I had craved for so long, ground my entire world to a halt.
He came up behind me, his chest against my back, moist air from his lips traveling down my neck. I could feel his heart beating through our clothes, and for a moment, I imagined our beats were aligned.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered into my ear.
“Me too.”
He nibbled on my earlobe and trailed gentle kisses along my jaw. My lips parted with a sigh as I pressed closer, feeling his arousal along my hip. It was a heady sensation. I still couldn’t believe this was happening.
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