Sometime later, footsteps announced a visitor walking up the stairs. Bracing myself for another round of hounding, I shut my eyes and turned to the wall. The person paused outside my door—indecisive. No knock. Nothing.
When he padded away, I let out a relieved breath and tried to forget how hungry I was. The light lunch we’d had on the boat wouldn’t be enough to sustain me throughout the evening, but what choice did I have? I had choices, of course, but they were all bad ones.
Another set of footsteps. Each and every one of them sounded with startling clarity. They came closer, and this time, I was pretty sure that I would have to face the person standing on the other side.
The knock was soft at first, then firmer. “Adam. I brought some food.”
Cameron.
My belly rumbled with need, refusing to be unheard.
Without replying, I got up, dragged my feet to the door and opened it a fraction, only enough to see a sliver of the man outside. Cameron offered me a plate, attempting some kind of a smile. He appeared nervous, standing back as if ready to leave.
I reluctantly widened the opening then took the food. “Thanks.”
“Can I come in for a sec?”
I tensed, remembering every detail of humiliation from the incident earlier. “I’m really tired.” The food didn’t look half as tempting anymore, and I left the plate on the desk for later.
“I want to show you something. Please,” he replied, perhaps thinking that would change my mind.
My hand dropped from the door, not to let him in, but he took that as a sign and entered. By the time I had decided on what to say, he was already inside and settled into the plaited chair by the window.
I remained standing. If I sat down, it would only mean that I accepted his intrusion. It was impossible to stand still, however, so I began to pace, fidgeting with my hands.
“Adam, please sit down.”
“No.” I was waiting for him to tell me to leave Gabriel and how stupid I’d been to have stayed for as long as I had.
“Please, this is hard for me, too.”
Shaking my head, I turned and forgot what to say when I saw his pained expression. I sat on the bed, wrinkling the cover beneath me as I twisted my hands.
“I’m sorry for pushing you, I really am. I forget that these things take time.”
He sounded uncomfortable, but I wasn’t about to say that it was okay—because it wasn’t. I hadn’t wanted him to see me like that. Him least of all, in fact.
From the corner of my eye, I saw him remove his shirt. “What are you doing?”
“I want to show you something.” He stood, straightening his back only to hunch slightly. “This is where my mom’s boyfriend burned me with a cigar.”
I swallowed hard before I glanced at his chest. He was pointing at a small mark right next to his collarbone.
“This scar is from when he threw a broken bottle at me.” His finger ran along a light line across his stomach. “More cigar burns.” He held out his hand, studying the scars beneath the soft light from the ceiling lamp.
My anger pulsed at the signs of past abuse. I rose and snatched his hand, wondering how I could have missed the light circles littering his skin.
“How old were you?” I asked.
“Seven. It was a year after my dad left. Mom was lonely and found the wrong guy.”
“Did he hit her?”
“No. He controlled her, and when he couldn’t control me, he gave me these. Told me he’d hurt Mom if I talked, so I kept silent.”
My heart ached even as anger boiled within me. Who does that to a child?
“I’m so sorry.”
“Adam. These are old scars. He can’t hurt me, but… Damn it, Adam. Do you know how painful it is to see you hurting?” This time, Cameron was the one who sounded desperate.
My hold around his hand tightened. I could hardly breathe. “I don’t. I don’t know what to do.”
He pulled me into his embrace, steady and sure. “Right now, you don’t have to do anything.”
I was falling. Crashing. “Why can’t he just love me?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know. You deserve so much better, Adam. So much better.”
I clung to him, afraid my knees would give way if he left me. I heard his voice in the background, but the words escaped me. Instead, I focused on the sound of his steady heartbeat. The rhythm became something to latch on to—a mantra that settled around me like a blanket. Hiding beneath it, I tried to block my racing emotions.
“You’re strong, Adam. You’ll get through this.”
“How?”
“You just do it. No one can tell you how.” At least he wasn’t giving me platitudes.
I tried to breathe slower, shutting down in the only way I knew how to do. Gradually, I regained my senses, realizing that my hands were touching bare skin. Uncomfortable, I let go and squirmed out of his hold. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Cameron and I couldn’t get closer, not when I was vulnerable.
“I’m sorry for what happened to you, but I…I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Adam, I’m here as a friend, nothing more.”
My eyes found his warm amber ones. Friends. Had I read the signals wrong? Of course. All those dreams had fooled me. I almost scoffed at my stupidity, but the sound stuck in my throat. Who wants someone already broken?
“Good.” The pain was endless. Everywhere.
He plucked his shirt from the chair and put it on. “You should eat something.”
Glancing at the food, I wondered if I could stomach anything.
“Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Cameron didn’t move from his spot in the middle of the room, but I tried to ignore his presence. He had made his point, and we were done for the night. He had brought me to the edge, he had got my confession and now I had to deal with my failed relationship alone. He had said it. There was nothing he could do to help, no words to say.
It’s all up to me.
Friends. I could deal with that. It was what I wanted, after all. It was what I had told myself all along.
“Adam. I’m sorry for pushing you.”
“You’re forgiven.”
“Okay.”
I studied him beneath my lashes, trying to figure out why he remained. My gaze drifted to the faint circles on his left hand again. It was too much, too heavy. I couldn’t deal with everything all at once, even if I wanted to say something to make him understand that I cared.
Cameron let out a soft sigh, shoulders falling. “I hope you can sleep. We’ll be going out tomorrow as well, so try to rest.”
“I will.”
“Good.”
He seemed unable to leave, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He shook his head once, then he looked straight at me. “Goodnight, Adam.” With that he left, leaving me with a hollow sadness that pulsed with the rhythm of his heart.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I recognized the setting. We were back in Chicago, at the set where we’d photographed Chris’ older brother. Cameron was there, closer than I’d allowed him in real life. An arm slipped around my waist and I turned to meet his steady gaze. My hand betrayed me, running a finger along his sharp jawline, breezing past his mouth as if to hush us both. They were slightly moist, inviting a forbidden kiss. I knew those lips, knew how they tasted, how they made me melt from inside out. I leaned forward, standing on my toes to capture his full lower one. He pressed us closer together, smiling against my touch.
I woke up with a start, shutting my eyes again as my cheeks filled with warmth. It wasn’t the first time I’d dreamed of Chicago, and not the first time I’d dreamed of kissing Cameron. It was embarrassing and slightly unsettling. Even if I couldn’t control my dreams, it still bothered me that I was so ready to forget Gabriel and exchange his embrace for Cameron’s. My dreams of Gabriel were very different, in fact, and not at all pleasant.
After a long, cleansing shower, I tip-toed down
into the kitchen to face whatever was in store for me. I had made a mess of the conversation with Cameron and I wanted to say sorry.
It couldn’t have been easy to tell me about his childhood, and what had I done? Too locked up inside my confused head, I hadn’t been able to give him the attention he deserved. He had opened up and I had rewarded him by shutting down. It wasn’t like me. I wanted him to understand that I cared, perhaps more than I should. Lingering images from the dream assaulted me and made my skin too warm, even if the air was cool.
Dante lounged in the large sofa, staring at something on the large TV despite the lack of sound.
“Good morning,” I said.
He looked over his shoulder. “Good morning.”
“Where are the others?”
“Chris is sleeping. Didn’t want to wake him up.”
“Have you seen Cameron?”
“No, but I think he might be outside. His shoes are gone.”
I gazed out of the window and saw a person sitting on the beach. The tousled brown hair sticking out beneath the cap could only belong to Cameron.
“Hey, are you all right?” Dante asked.
“Yeah.” Not really. My thoughts and emotions were too confusing to be called all right.
Dante shook his head. “Chris has been worried about you for a long time.”
I shrugged and ambled over to the fridge. What could I say? Cameron had seen the bruises and, no doubt, he had told the others. They would resent me. Judge me.
“Hey.”
I started, not aware that Dante had moved from the sofa. He was tall beside me, frowning slightly as if deep in thought.
“You’re upset.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
It was a simple question without simple answers. “I’m confused.”
Dante cocked his head, gazing into my eyes in that way that made me wonder if he could read people’s thoughts. “It’s difficult to understand why someone who should love you ends up hurting you instead.”
Closing my eyes, I tried to shut down the emotions that threatened to erupt. I was about to lash out, and that was another side of me that felt entirely foreign.
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I get it. And you don’t have to say anything to me.” He patted my shoulder and strode back to the sofa, leaving me with my thoughts once again. He made everything sound so easy, but it was as far from the truth as it could possibly get.
Appetite ruined, I decided that it was time to make one thing right, at least. Cameron deserved an apology.
I slid the patio door open, pausing to breathe in the stifling, salty air. Birds chirped and cawed, and the surge gave off that calming sound that never failed to soothe a wary mind.
Pausing in the shadow of a large palm tree, I realized that Cameron had left. The spot where he’d sat held no trace of him, the sand already trampled by numerous feet.
Walking toward the sun, I continued through the white sand, each step sinking deep into the warmth. My long-sleeved, thin sweater would be soaked in no time, but I didn’t care. It felt good to walk even if every face I met along the way belonged to a stranger. Perhaps that was the reason why it felt good. They didn’t know anything about my life. They had never met me or Gabriel, and if they had, they might have seen the signs of a happy couple. Maybe they would have believed the lies.
I clenched my fists and walked faster. Lies. How much did I know about Gabriel? Had he always guarded me jealously? Had he always tried to control me? My mind was running in circles within circles, and I wasn’t getting anywhere.
My friends had moved me across the ocean to help me clear my head, but instead of thanking them for trying to help, I had been difficult.
They all deserved an apology, but I wasn’t ready yet. I had to think. I had to decide what I wanted and how I would act when we touched American soil again.
Children ran in the sand in front of me, playing with a white ball that they threw back and forth. They were laughing, filling the air with unmistakable sounds of pure happiness. Two boys, sharing that effortless friendship that Gabriel and I had once had.
He had protected me, he had kept me close and always made sure I was all right, but that person was gone—replaced by someone entirely different. It pained me that I might have been the cause of that change. Everything had been fine until I had told him about my feelings. I had seen it right before my eyes—the rage that had taken hold and refused to let go. He’d thrown me out of our room as if our friendship hadn’t meant a single thing to him. Years and years of shared experiences, and it had all crashed in an instant. A split second of total destruction was all it had taken. Since then, I had tried to change us for the better, but instead, he had changed me for the worse.
I reached the end of the beach, or at least the end of the public beach. It was time to either return or continue my spontaneous escape. They would probably worry back at the villa, but hopefully they understood that I needed some time alone. I wasn’t a child any longer, and I definitely needed to feel free and not locked inside a cage.
Instead of turning around, I ventured into a maze of hotels and private palaces that seemed endless. The larger hotels were visible in the distance, slabs of concrete with apartments upon apartments stacked on each other. The structures were huge, and they were everywhere. I was happy that Chris had had the foresight to book something that was a little bit less gaudy.
I wandered around for hours, lost in thought until my legs barely carried my weight. Without a wallet or a phone, I was out of options. Alone. The sea looked welcoming, but I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to walk into the water with all my clothes on. People would question my sanity.
Thoroughly exhausted beneath the relentless sun, I dropped onto a blue-painted bench next to an open-air restaurant that lined the street, desperate to find shade. Not sure how late it was, I tried to estimate the time based on the position of the sun.
“Shouldn’t stare into the sun like that.” A smiling guy with a black apron tied around his hips handed me a glass of water.
“Thanks. Why…?”
The guy stepped behind the counter, clearly working at the small restaurant. “Seemed like you needed it.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Just holler if you want something else.” He flashed a friendly smile and continued to wipe down the counter. The place was rather empty, and I wondered where all the tourists were. Maybe it was too early in the day, or too hot. The latter seemed more probable. The heat was killing me.
I gazed at the bottles of booze lined up on the shelves behind the bar. Alcohol wouldn’t do me any good, but I wondered if I could persuade the others to go out and have a drink one night. I hadn’t danced in ages. I knew we were staying in Nassau for another night, then we would head to some other island. Surely, tonight was the night it could happen.
I chugged down the water and rose from the bench, placing the empty glass on the counter.
“Are there any good nightclubs around?” I asked the bartender.
“Looking for anything specific?”
“Gay-friendly would be good.”
The smile disappeared. “If you want a gay bar, you will have to go underground.”
“Excuse me?”
The guy rolled his eyes. “This place isn’t exactly gay-friendly. Haven’t noticed that yet?”
“No. We’ve only been here for a few days, and not really in public.”
“Good. Keep it that way.” The hostility in his voice put me on edge, and I decided it was time to head back to the villa. Why had Chris and Cameron chosen the Bahamas if it wasn’t a gay-friendly place? It didn’t make sense at all.
The conversation was also a cold reminder that we still weren’t accepted everywhere. Apparently, it didn’t take much for someone to change their opinion once they found out the truth about my sexuality. It wasn’t just Gabriel.
Not entirely sure
where the villa was located, I lost my way and wandered back into the labyrinth of opulent houses. Every once in a while, I thought I saw a house I recognized, but they all appeared the same. I knew I was losing it. I could feel the haze descending upon me even as I tried to avoid the sun. My throat itched as well, longing for another sip of water.
It felt as if hours had passed, or like time stood still. I wasn’t sure. Stopping more and more often, I wondered if anyone would find me, and what they would do. I had nothing on me, no identification, no credit card. I smiled wryly. Maybe this was how I would disappear from the world.
Wiping sweat off my forehead, I gazed down the street. A shimmer of gray-blue in the distance made me realize how stupid I’d been. I should have walked along the water from the start. I rose from the ground with difficulty, unsteady on my feet but far too exhausted to care. My steps were slow, but I tried to ignore my parched throat and aching stomach. I was too tired to think, enveloped in a numbness that was strangely liberating. My only thought was to move forward. Only forward.
I reached a stretch of white sand and wondered which direction to pursue. Perhaps it was best to simply walk into the water and cool down. The calm waves begged me to sink into their depths, but I worried that I wouldn’t be able to continue if I succumbed. I had to keep moving.
The sand was heavy beneath me, scorching hot and almost blinding in its brightness. If I fell into it, would I faint? Would I be saved?
“Adam.”
I blinked, relieved to hear Cameron’s voice. He was running in my direction, calling my name again. He didn’t stop until his arms were around me.
“What the hell, Adam?” he said, breathing hard down my neck.
He was too warm—I was too warm, but I didn’t have it in me to protest as my head started to spin.
“I’m tired.”
He leaned back and studied me. “Shit. Have you had anything to eat? Anything to drink? You’ve been gone for hours. The others are out searching for you as well.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” I could barely form the words, much less make sense.
“Let’s get you back inside. You’re burning up. Did you use sunblock, at least?”
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