He shakes his head. “No. You found it by doing your job. It was an accident really. And you need to get this off your chest.”
“Thanks.”
“You bet.
I finish up the day, knowing Ryder is expecting me at his place right after work. With a heavy heart, my feet carry me there, while my mind tries to figure out what to say.
SEVEN
Ryder
When she lets herself in, I grab her and hug her, but I immediately know something’s wrong.
“What happened? Bad day at work?”
“You might say that. Case put me on file duty today. While I was putting things up, I ran across something. A file on me.”
Fuck!
“Sky, I’m sorry.”
“Wait, Ryder. You told me you had me investigated and I could understand that. But this was so damned detailed. You knew everything. I mean every last tiny bit about me. And so did Case. I felt so naked. And other people in that office probably know all about me too.” I pinch my lips together in an effort to stop them from trembling.
“When I asked Case to find everything he could about you, he was thorough.”
“Ryder,” and now even my ferking voice quivers, “the other night you asked about my clients. Why? When you already knew about them? Why did you act like you didn’t?”
He closes his eyes and rubs them. “I don’t know. No, that’s not true. I wanted to hear it from your own lips. That they never had you. Reports are one thing. But your word is another.”
“But it’s so belittling to talk about that. I wanted to be completely honest with you, but you already knew it all.”
“I didn’t look at it that way, Sky. I would never belittle you. That wasn’t my intent. Not at all. I … I have feelings for you. I care for you. But …”
“But what?”
I’m stuck here. But what exactly? I love her, yes. I’m in love with her, yes. So what’s stopping me from saying those words to her? Is it her former job? Is it the old life she led? Is it the possibility my parents will disapprove of her? Or is it my past? What is it?
My hands tear through my hair and no words will come out of my mouth. I look at her pained eyes and know that once more, I’ve hurt the person I love the most. What’s wrong with me that I keep doing this to her?
“Sky, I … I don’t know what to say.”
“Obviously. But I do. This doesn’t sit well with me at all. My whole life has been dictated to me. But I won’t let you do it too. This has to end. I can’t be with you under these circumstances right now. My head isn’t right with this. I need to talk to Gabby …”
“What the fuck does Gabby have to do with this?” My anger busts through now. I don’t want her telling Gabby all of our secrets. Is this a logical reaction? Probably not. But I can’t lose her again.
“She helps me sort things out. You get me all messed up in my head.”
“No, Sky. Things aren’t messed up. We’re together and that’s how it’s meant to be.”
“But you can’t even tell me your true feelings, Ryder.”
“Well, can you tell me yours?” I throw her statement right back at her.
Her mouth works around a little, like she’s testing what she wants to say. But I don’t want to give her a chance. “See? You can’t either. Can’t you just be happy for us to be together for a while? We’ve come a long way. Can’t we just see how things develop between us?”
“Yeah, I thought that’s what we were doing. Until I found out you’d been dishonest with me.”
“Well, pot meet kettle. You wouldn’t even tell me a damn fucking thing about yourself at first. You’d leave my fucking bed before I woke up. And here you are, wondering why I had you investigated? I gave you a fucking key to my home, for Christ’s sake!”
She stands there before me, her smoky gray eyes clouded with tears and her mouth opened in shock. My belly twists up in knots as I stare at her. What the hell have I done? She backs away and makes a run for the door.
“Wait! Sky don’t go!” I call out to an empty room. She’s gone. And I can’t blame her. I was all but screaming at her. What the fuck was I thinking? I know how she hates yelling. That’s what her parents did to each other. The words I spoke may have been the truth, but I could’ve handled it in a much better manner.
An hour later, after calling and texting her repetitively and not getting a response, I hit Case’s number.
“Wassup?”
“Case, I need your help.”
“Skylina told you about the file, didn’t she?”
“Yeah and I didn’t handle things well. I yelled and she ran out of here and won’t answer her phone. Will you try calling her? I’m worried about her and I want to know if she’s okay.”
“Sure thing. I’ll call you right back.”
The jackhammer in my chest doesn’t let up one bit and when the phone rings, it picks up even more speed.
“Case?”
“Hey dude, she’s okay. She needs her alone time and she needs to talk to Martinelli. Let it settle for a couple of days. She cares about you. A lot. She’ll come around.”
“I don’t know. I think I fucked it up.”
“Well, fix it up then. You know how.”
“Thanks for getting in touch with her.”
“You know it. See ya.”
After I stare at the blank wall for about thirty minutes, I know it’s time to make another call. I grab my phone and search the contents for the number I need. Then I tap it in.
“Martinelli here. Speak.”
“Bow wow.”
“Who is this?”
“Ryder Christiansen. I need you, doc.”
“Well, it’s nice to be needed. Funny, I’m in need a lot tonight.”
“I figured you would be. I fucked up.”
“You think?”
“I know.”
“Talk.”
She gets the lengthy version of my story and I omit nothing. When I’m done, she says, “Well, Ryder, you did make a good point. I do think you had a solid reason to investigate her. But you also didn’t handle it very well tonight, by your own admission. So, what would you have done differently?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Then we need to hang up and you need to reassess things.”
How can she say that to me? “What do you mean?” I ask.
“I don’t know how I can be any more clear.”
“Okay, I shouldn’t have yelled at her for one.”
“Go on,” she urges.
“I could’ve been more honest with her about the investigation.”
“Ryder, quit beating around the damn bush.”
“I could’ve told her I’m in love with her.”
“Hallelujah! The man finally makes sense. And what else?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ryder, does Skylina know about your past?”
I freeze. Solidly. Like an ice sculpture.
“Hello? Ryder are you still there?”
My throat is stuffed with cotton and I can’t swallow. “Yes,” I croak.
“Deep breaths. Nice and easy now.”
After a few panic-filled moments, I gain back control and say, “How the fuck am I going to tell her when I can’t even stand to think about it?”
“And that, my friend, is what you’re going to have to figure out.”
Saturday morning sunshine wakes me up and I hit Joe and Mo’s on the way to the gym. Then it’s back to the library to study. I’m supposed to meet Aunt Emmy later today. I’m excited to see her but a little leery about telling her what’s going on in my life. Part of me wants to tell her about Skylina, but the other part doesn’t. Maybe it’s best I don’t mention her today, since I haven’t heard a word from her since last night. I hit the shower, get changed and then I’m on the subway heading up to her place, right on time, since she hates anyone being late.
When I walk through her front door, I’m surprised to see the room filled with peop
le. She never said anything about other people being here.
“Ryder!” she exclaims. “My goodness, look at you! I almost wouldn’t have recognized you. What are you feeding yourself these days? Fertilizer? You’re huge!”
She always makes me laugh. “Thanks, Aunt Emmy.” I wrap my arms around her and give her a huge hug, lifting her up and swinging her around in a circle. “I’ve missed you. You look gorgeous, as usual.”
“Oh, hush, now. I’m old as hell and you know it.”
“You are not and you’re as beautiful as ever.”
“And you’re as handsome as the devil. You’re wearing your hair longer and I like it. It’s sexy.”
“Aunt Emmy! You’re not supposed to say things like that to your nephew.”
“Who says?”
She’s stumped me there. “I don’t know.” We both laugh.
“So, a party, huh?”
Her eyes twinkle as she says, “Yes, dear. I knew if I told you about it, you’d make up some cockamamie excuse and wouldn’t come. So you can be angry with me, but I got you here so now you’re stuck. I want you to meet some of my friends. Are you hungry? I have way too much food.”
She holds my hand and drags me through the room, and I nod at a good many people I already know. This isn’t the most comfortable thing for me. I haven’t seen many of these folks since my dancing career ended, but it had to happen sooner or later, so I smile and pretend I’m happy to be here. We get to her dining room, where all the food is spread out on her table and she walks me around and fills a plate for me. As we move through the room, she says, “Ryder, there’s someone in particular I’d like you to meet.” Then in a louder voice, she calls out, “Skylina, come over here and meet my nephew, Ryder.” My heart skips the next hundred beats and stops all together. Then I see her turn, look straight at me, and notice how her face registers surprise as her mouth gapes open.
“Ryder? What are you doing here?” Skylina asks.
My voice has just taken a hike, I believe to Alaska, or maybe even the Arctic region, because it’s paralyzed … frozen solid. Nothing will come out of my mouth. Aunt Emmy keeps pulling me closer to her and I’m positive my legs move by some unforeseen force, because it’s not by my command.
“Skylina, Ryder is my nephew.”
“Your nephew?” she asks.
“Why, yes. Do you two know each other?”
Oh fuck, I have to get out of here. Now. Skylina knows nothing about my past and I never intended for her to learn about it like this. How in the hell did I not put two and two together? A friend who was helping her … the studio … the auditions … this party even? I’m so fucking stupid!
“Yeah, Skylina and I know each other Aunt Emmy. But I’m suddenly not feeling very well. I’m so sorry, but I’m going to have to leave. Please forgive me.” And I’m out of there. Like my ass is loaded with a damn surface to air missile. And I don’t bother looking back at their faces. Aunt Emmy will know, but I can only imagine the hurt that will be written all over Skylina’s and that’s something I can’t take right now.
EIGHT
Skylina
When Ryder all but runs out of Marianna’s I’m left standing there not knowing what to do. But when I move to follow him, Marianna’s hand grips my arm and she says, “Let him go Skylina.”
“But something’s wrong.”
“I know. How long have you known him?” she asks.
“About a year now. And why does he call you Emmy? He’s talked about his Aunt Emmy before.”
Marianna laughs. “When he was a little tyke, he could never say Marianna. So I told him one day to call me M. And it turned into Emmy.”
That makes sense.
“He adores you.”
“Follow me. I want to show you something.”
She leads me upstairs into a den where the walls are covered in pictures. Some are of a young Marianna in her ballet costumes, and others are of another beautiful ballerina and then there are dozens of pictures of a young man. When I look closer, I recognize him as Ryder.
“What’s going on here?” Seeing a young Ryder as a ballet dancer bewilders me.
“Here.”
She hands me a scrapbook of sorts. I open it and begin reading. It chronicles the career of a young boy, then an adolescent at the Royal Ballet Academy, named Ryder Christiansen, stage name Reston Blakely. I’m stunned. Ryder is the Reston Blakely. The famous ballet dancer who was beaten and left for dead over two years ago. I recall hearing about him on the news. The scars on his leg and elsewhere! The ones he would never talk about! Now it all makes sense. That day he helped me with my sprained ankle. No wonder he knew so much about it.
As I continue to read, I want to run to Ryder and hold him. Comfort him, like he comforted me when I left my mom locked outside of the apartment. He attended the Royal Ballet in London to study and was pronounced, “The dancer of the decade.” Then he left London to return to New York to study contemporary ballet at the Joffrey Ballet. It was there he was picked up by the Metropolitan Ballet Company and became their youngest Danseur Noble. He was a phenom, destined for greatness … until that one devastating night. Oh my God. The tragedy of it all makes me ill. The drugs! That’s why he became an addict!
I look up to see Marianna standing there. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I am.” It’s something I’ve known for a long time, but never admitted it before. “I never knew any of this. I asked him about his scars once, but he wouldn’t answer me. And I never asked him again.”
“He won’t ever talk about this. But with you, maybe he will. We almost lost him, you know. Not only to the beating, but in the aftermath, too. Something happened though, and we got our Ryder back, but a better version of him, I think. So go to him, Skylina. But be patient. He’s never been an easy boy. His whole life has been difficult. His mother, my niece, was selfish. She didn’t want to be pregnant. It was a huge surprise. And then she didn’t want to love Ryder, because she wanted her career. You know, she was a prima donna? And the best. A beautiful dancer. But when she went back to dance, after he was born, she couldn’t stand to be away from him. She tried her best to hate him for it, but she couldn’t. She fell in love with him. But then when he showed such great promise as a dancer himself, she did everything in her power to keep him away from it. I pulled all kinds of shenanigans to get him to dance lessons. And boy did we have fun together. Juliette, Ryder’s mother, would be so angry. Her father is my brother and we would come up with all kinds of schemes. Then when Ryder wanted to go to London to study… bah, it was a mess. I suppose I can’t blame her. Can you imagine sending your twelve-year-old son off to school abroad? She was furious with me. Oh, I didn’t think she’d ever speak to me again. But she did. And she ended up being so proud of him. He was a beautiful dancer. I wish you could’ve seen him. Wait!”
She moves to a shelf, pulls out some DVD’s and puts one into the player. Then she turns on the TV and there he is, dancing. I sit there unable to look away, as he leaps and turns, his graceful beauty astounding me. The DVD is a film of his final performance in Blast, the last time he ever danced. I wasn’t aware a human body could move like that, displaying such strength in motion, fluidity and grace all at the same time. His elegance and lines are so dramatic and the heights of his leaps are so grand as he extends himself, I find that I can’t breathe as I watch. When the dance is over and Marianna removes the DVD, my face is soaked from my tears.
“Go to him now, Skylina.”
“What shall I say?”
“Whatever is in your heart. The truth.”
“Do you think he’ll want to see me?” I ask.
“Probably not. But the things you want the most in life are what you fight the hardest for. Fight for him. Show him that you care and that it doesn’t matter to you. And it doesn’t, because you fell in love with Ryder, not Reston.”
My head bobs up and down. Marianna’s right. I care about Reston because it hurt him so badly, bu
t Ryder is the one I love.
“Yes. You’re right. I never knew Reston. Only Ryder.”
“And Skylina, we need to work on your next audition.”
During my train ride home, all I can think about is Reston Blakely and his dancing. As I start to climb the steps to my place, I change my mind and go to Ryder’s. I ring the buzzer and he answers.
“It’s me. Can I come up?”
He doesn’t answer. I wait a little bit and I’m getting ready to lay on the buzzer again when it sounds and I push the door open. Taking the steps two at a time, I make it to his door, to see him standing there with it half open.
“Skylina, I …”
I cut him off. Holding out my hand, palm facing him, I begin, “I know this is backasswards, but I’m gonna say it anyway. I’m in love with you, Ryder Christiansen. I don’t care about Reston Blakely. Well, that’s incorrect. I do care about the fact that he was so deeply hurt and that he can’t dance anymore because I’ve never seen anything so goddamn beautiful in all my life. Other than you. Right here, standing before me as Ryder Christiansen. I fell in love with Ryder, not Reston. And despite everything that’s happened, even your stalkery bullshiz, I’ll love Ryder forever. So, I know I’m the other side of the tracks girl. The one you’ll never want to take home to meet Mom and Dad. I get that. I mean, who really wants their parents to meet their girlfriend who’s a former prostitute? And I’m willing to live with that. Just …” and this is where I have to stop because, damn it, I’m trying my damnedest not to be a big pussy butt, but those ferking tears are making it super hard right now. “I just wanted you to know that, well, that I love you Ryder.”
And I turn around and haul butt because I think I just made the biggest fool out of myself. All this time, riding that train home from Marianna’s and then when I got to my house, I built myself up in my mind. But in reality, I am that girl from the other side of the tracks. And honestly, what can I give Ryder? A good blow job? A good piece of ass? Yeah, I’m down for that, but what else? Because that’s all his parents will think of me when they find out the truth. They’ll see me as that paid whore and nothing more. Because if my kid came home with someone like me, that’s exactly what I’d think. The roaring in my ears drowns out all the city noises and I want to scream. When I get home, I close the door and lean against it, eventually sliding to the floor. Getting involved with Ryder was a mistake, but staying involved with him was epically wrong. It’s destroying me now and putting myself back together will not be easy.
Dirty Nights Page 21