by Alice Ward
But that wasn’t what I wanted. Even through the abandonment, I wanted Jake. I could still picture us living happily ever after as I’d once dreamed as a girl. I wanted to help him be whole again, no matter the price I’d personally pay.
I couldn’t.
I wasn’t that same girl. I had a son to think of. A son who needed a strong mother to protect him. To pick up the pieces if this went… bad.
And I couldn’t be strong within the same room as Jake Truman. The pull was too strong. The love…
No. I couldn’t go there.
I jumped to my feet. “I should be going.”
Much more slowly, he rose to his feet too. “All right.”
But neither of us moved.
My fingers itched to reach out to him, so I twisted them together instead. “Let’s talk about when we can get together with Jagger. I’ll wait to tell him about you until you’re there, if that’s what you want.”
He took a step closer to me, and all the oxygen left the room. “That sounds nice. Thank you.”
I tucked some loose hair behind my ear. Jake’s eyes followed, his gaze as real on my skin as fingertips. My fingers shook, and I quickly dropped my hand to my side. I couldn’t stop my eyes, though, from making their way to Jake’s. He stared back at me, pupils dilating as if he was in a trance.
As if a hand was on my back, I leaned toward him. He leaned toward me too.
There was no room inside of me for thoughts. I was nothing but emotions. Pain. Need. Relief. I probably wouldn’t be able to unpack all the feelings, even if I spent the rest of my life trying.
Jake’s lips parted as if in slow motion. “Skye,” he whispered. There was an edge to his voice, making it sound like he was about to chastise me. Maybe chastise himself.
He didn’t have the chance.
Our lips crashed together, and the years melted away as Jake’s hands went to the sides of my head, and his lips swept across mine. Our lips were a perfect fit, locking together as if they’d been designed for each other.
This was it. I remembered this.
It was a feeling of coming home, of finally finding something you didn’t even know you were searching for. I would have cried with relief had I been able to do anything but kiss him. Hold him. The way I’d been longing to do for so many years.
Jake’s arms went lower and wrapped around my back, and I shifted my weight toward him, melting us together. Then I was off my feet and back on the couch, straddling his thighs as our mouths said everything we couldn’t.
Jake changed positions again, lying down until I covered him completely, his hands deep in my hair as our lips and tongues made up for the lost years.
I knew this was stupid.
Deep inside me, a voice screamed for me to stop. To leave. This was dangerous, I knew. But I was never one to walk away from a little danger. At least the old me hadn’t been.
The new me seemed to be getting braver by the second.
My insides burned. My heart swelled. As Jake pushed my shirt up and peeled it over my head, an even deeper surge of desire swept through me. Just the need itself made me groan. Twisting his fingers through my hair, he brought my face back down to his. I tore at his shirt with trembling fingers, crazed with a need to feel his smooth muscles underneath my palm.
What was happening? Was this what I wanted?
The questions were surfacing and resurfacing in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t give them any attention. There was no place for them. There was only room for me and Jake in this moment. We had a score to settle. Amends to make. Forgiveness to deal. Curses and blows to exchange. Love to remember.
Our kiss broke again as I pulled Jake’s shirt off. Taking charge once more, he locked his hands on my hips and flipped us around. With me now on the bottom, he got to work removing my pants in record time, practically ripping them from my body. My underwear slid off and hit the floor, exposing the hot and needy spot between my legs to his gaze.
“So beautiful,” he murmured, and stood to rid himself of his pants. I held back the gasp as I witnessed the scars on his chest and shoulders for the first time. He was still beautiful, the marks giving him a dangerous look that shouldn’t have been sexy, but was. When his cock popped free from his boxers, it drew my attention, and I licked my lips, remembering how he tasted, how he felt on my tongue as if we had last been together only yesterday.
He lowered his head and kissed my knee, my thigh, one hipbone, then the next. He nuzzled his nose in the soft curls on my mound and I heard him inhale, breathing me in.
“I remember this smell,” he murmured, the words vibrating on my sex.
My fingers went into his hair as his tongue washed over me, before his teeth closed over my clit. I pulled at his shoulders. I wanted this, but I wanted him more. I wanted the heat of him filling me, making me his.
Understanding my need, he crawled up my body, his tongue tracing a path to my breast. I cried out as he nipped at one nipple before moving his attention to the other.
“Please,” I begged, my legs wrapping around his thighs.
He kissed my shoulder. My neck. My jaw. My nose. When his lips found mine again, his cock nudged my entrance.
“Shit.” His breath was a hot blast against my face.
I blinked up at him, my body writhing as the very tip of his cock spread my opening. “What?”
“Condoms. I don’t have any condoms.”
I lifted my hips, trying to impale myself on him, not caring about anything else. “Pill. I’m protected.” I’d gone on the pill a year after Jagg was born, hopeful I’d one day need it. Looked like the day had finally come.
His hands grasped the sides of my face, clamping my head between his palms. The tip of his cock slipped through my wet folds, then between them to nudge my clit, sending delicious sensations through me.
“I’m clean, Skye. Look at me. After my last injury, I was tested for everything.” I gazed up into his chocolate eyes. “Do you trust me?”
I’d never trusted anyone more. Or anyone less.
He was giving me an out, I knew it. A last chance to push him away. To hurt him as much as he hurt me. The thing was… I didn’t want to. God help me, I didn’t want to.
We’d made love as kids. I wanted to make love as adults.
I wanted to know if what I remembered about the experience was as powerful now, in reality.
Jake had been my first lover. My only lover.
I’d not let a man get this close to me since.
And he was so very close.
The hard length of him sliding against that bundle of nerves. With a lift of my hips, he would be inside me, filling me. Connecting us by body as much as I knew I was connected to him in my heart.
“Make love to me,” I whispered, knowing I’d have to deal with the aftermath of our lovemaking later. But it was worth it. Anything would be worth it, I knew.
Apparently, he knew it too.
In one strong thrust, he was inside of me, his mouth crashing back down onto mine as our bodies slammed together. I cried out, but he swallowed the sound and all the ones after it.
Our bodies shouldn’t have fit together so perfectly. We shouldn’t have been able to move this way. He was so big, so powerful. He could crush me, tear me in half if he wanted to. But he didn’t. Even as he began to move inside me, stretching and filling me to the edge of pain, I felt his restraint, the sheer magnitude of the power he held back. But I didn’t feel threatened. I felt safe.
“Skye…” he whispered my name against my lips, then said it over and over as his body picked up speed. I wrapped myself around him tighter, watching his face, our eyes connected as we lost ourselves to each other.
Each stroke took me higher, toward a peak I wanted to reach, but not yet. I didn’t want this to be over. I wanted to stay locked in the cocoon of his arms, in the warm bubble of our breaths as we whispered words that meant nothing and everything.
Please.
Yes.
Mine.
At some point, I began to cry and he kissed away the tears I’d fought so hard to keep at bay. Then he was crying too, our bodies rocking together as we connected on a plane that was so much more than physical. All I could do was take it, absorb it, until it all became too much and I exploded beneath him, shattering the carefully built wall I’d held in place.
“Skye…”
My name again. A curse or a prayer, I didn’t know.
With a last stroke, I felt his body spasm even through the white-hot pleasure of my orgasm, and he buried himself deep inside me one last time.
Jake broke our kiss as he gasped for air. His lips still grazed mine, his breath entering my mouth, mine entering his as we calmed, giving each other life.
Pain and pleasure filled my chest as I held onto the man above me as if he was the only thing that could save me from the ocean of emotions trying to pull me under. What happened between us was both so right and so wrong, but it didn’t really matter. I had no power to stop it. Jake and I were being swept away. We were part of a destiny we’d never chosen. At this point, we were just hanging on and trying to survive the ride.
With his face nestled into the crook of my neck, I stared up at the ceiling and listened to our haggard breathing.
Dread was already creeping its way into my heart. I was afraid of letting Jake go, afraid of meeting whatever was to come next for us. I’d come over with the intent of letting him into Jagger’s life… and now he was back in mine. If what we’d just done was a mistake, it was one I didn’t want to face.
I forced myself to loosen my grip on Jake’s neck. He slowly sat up, and I followed. He stood and walked from the room without a word. Leaving me. Again.
Frozen, I sat there, knowing I should move. Willing myself to move. But even as my mind screamed for me to go, my muscles were locked in place.
Then he was back, looking so incredibly beautiful my heart squeezed as I watched him step closer. He held a washcloth. With a gentleness that should have been impossible from such a big man, he pressed its warmth between my legs, cleaning me. Caring for me. When he caught me watching him, he grinned. The boyish quality of the look made me want to sob, and I couldn’t understand why.
“It’s all right.” I wiped away a bead of sweat trailing down his temple. “I… um… I should go.”
And just like that, a wall came up between us.
He nodded, his face carefully blank. “I understand.”
But he didn’t. Hell, I didn’t. I just knew I couldn’t remain here. I couldn’t lose myself to him completely.
It was too soon.
Before I could question my decision, I stood and reached for my clothes. It felt like an eternity passed as I slipped on my panties and pants. My fingers were trembling too badly for me to hook my bra, and I cursed as I kept missing the hooks.
Jake stood and came up behind me. I could feel the heat of him before his fingers closed over mine and finished the job. His warm breath was in my hair, and all I’d have to do was lean an inch or two backwards and I’d be touching him again.
I desperately wanted to touch him again.
Instead, I pulled on my shirt and turned to face him. “I’ll text you about when we can talk with Jagger.”
Jake looked down at me, and now there was sorrow in his face. “Skye… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”
“Don’t.” I held out both hands, as if the gesture could halt the assault of the words I knew were coming. “Please don’t say how much you regret being with me.” I couldn’t look at him and instead watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard. “Again.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
I read the message between the words. The message that said he didn’t want me.
Blowing out a shaky breath, I smiled. “I’m a big girl now, Jake.”
His eyes flicked down to my lips. “I know, but I’m still sorry…”
Sorry for not wanting me in his life past what we just shared. Past our son.
“…it won’t happen again.”
How could a person still be alive when their heart was so completely savaged?
I wanted to beg him to want me. Beg him to love me. Beg him to not leave me.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t make him want any of that. And I didn’t want him to stay with me out of guilt.
So, I smiled. If the only thing I had control over in this moment was my dignity, I’d latch onto it with every last fragment of strength. “We’ll talk soon.” I was proud of how steady my voice was. I was proud of my legs for turning me and walking me toward the door. I was proud of my hand for reaching for the doorknob, for turning it, pulling it open.
I was proud of my eyes for not filling with tears as I stepped into the elevator and nodded to the operator.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been proud.
Maybe I wasn’t crying simply because I didn’t have any tears left.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Jake
Present Day…
Each footstep I took toward the quaint brownstone echoed in my ears. This was the house my son lived in, I thought as I looked up at the four-story building.
My son.
I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I had a child. All night long, in between tormented thoughts about Skye, I thought of Jagger. I’d already missed so much.
Skye’s pregnancy.
Jagger’s birth.
His first step.
His first words.
Did he say da-da first? I heard most kids did. And how would have Skye felt as those words escaped his little mouth? I shook my head, trying to clear that thought from it.
But I couldn’t shake away the knowledge that I’d missed so much. Everyone said those “firsts” were magical experiences, but I’d never get to find out whether that was true or not. And it was all my fault.
Thank God Skye didn’t keep me hanging for long after she left my apartment, even though a part of me didn’t expect to hear from her again. I hadn’t meant to put my hands on her. It just happened. Before I knew it, my lips were on hers, then my body in hers. Carried away by the past and the present, the love and the hate, the guilt and the promise of forgiveness.
It had been too soon.
And it couldn’t happen again. I knew that the minute it was over. Things were too messy between the two of us. Add the kid who was involved, and we were a fucking catastrophe waiting to happen. No child needed to be exposed to the drama that radiated from my and Skye’s interactions. That was why, for the sake of doing the right thing, I couldn’t touch her again.
I’d fucked up with Skye, but it wasn’t too late to make things right with my little boy.
I approached the door to the garden apartment and rang the bell. When I woke up this morning, there was a text from Skye asking me to come over in the afternoon. I didn’t have to think twice. My meeting with Ace Newman had been postponed for the next week, and I didn’t have anything else to do. I was literally a man sitting alone in his apartment with his money and his thoughts.
None of them were doing me any good.
I heard Skye’s familiar voice from the other side of the door and spasms went through my chest. Hold it together, I reminded myself. This was about Jagger. No one else.
The door opened and Skye’s eyes locked with mine. She looked beautiful. Her shiny mane of hair fell past her shoulders in thick waves, the green of her off-the-shoulder peasant blouse highlighting her eyes.
“Hi,” she said softly, as if it took all of her breath to say the one word.
“Hi.”
“Come on in.” She stepped aside and allowed me to enter. The small entranceway turned into a few steps that led down into a living room. The ceiling was low and the space small, but a sliding glass door showed off a backyard with a tall fence and healthy, green grass. I took in the plump couch, the toy box in the corner, the coffee table covered with magazines and books, and the walls completely filled with
photographs.
It was a home that was properly lived in. One look at it gave me a longing for something I hadn’t had in years.
Skye shut the door behind us and cleared her throat. “Jagger is in his bedroom. Should I go get him now or...” She trailed off and looked at me uncertainly. A heavy weight settled in my chest. I wanted a few moments alone with Skye, but that wasn’t on the agenda. It couldn’t be.
Before I could answer, Jagger ran into the room. “Jake!” he yelled, a big smile on his snaggle-toothed face. “Do you remember me because I remember you. I yee-hawed on your shoulders and you helped me find my mommy and everything!” He bounced over and grabbed my hand. “Come see my room! Come see my new dart gun! I’ve got lots and lots of really cool toys, and I bet you’ll really like playing with me.”
Emotion smacked me in the face as I ruffled his hair. “That sounds awesome, buddy.”
“Let’s have a talk first,” Skye interjected, placing a hand on our son’s shoulder. “Jagger, Jake didn’t come over here just to play.”
His face crumpled in disappointment, his little nose scrunching up just like Skye’s did when she didn’t get her way. It was so strange to see the combination of both of us right in front of me like this. While Jagg clearly looked more like me, he had her expressions and gestures.
“Aw, but I want to play.”
“You’ll get to,” Skye promised, “but first the three of us are going to sit down and talk.”
His brown eyes grew big and he looked up at me in increasing concern. “Am I in trouble?”
“You’re not in trouble,” I answered and crouched down to his level. “Don’t worry. Your mom and I have some news we want to share with you.”
“Okay,” he said, but he didn’t look convinced.
Skye led us to the couch, Jagger dragging his feet the whole way. We settled down on the cushions, Jagger next to me while Skye perched on the coffee table in front of him. She placed her hand on his knee and lowered her face so she could make eye contact with him. “Jagger, this is about your father.”
Jagg threw up his hands and rolled his eyes, heaving out a long-suffering sigh. “I don’t have a dad.”