by Leigh Dreyer
“What happened to him?” Elizabeth asked suddenly, startling even herself with the loudness of her voice after so much quiet in the room.
“There was an accident—”
“Thomas.” Her mother stopped him, laying her hand across the desk and on top of his. “She has to know everything.”
“I can’t tell it.”
“I know.”
“I can’t….”
“I know.”
He stood and walked around the desk, squeezing her outstretched hand. Gently touching Elizabeth’s cheek and jaw, he smiled down at her. There seemed more emotion in that smile than Elizabeth had ever seen.
He left the room, closing the door quietly, the soft click of the knob echoing between the inhabitants that remained.
“What happened?” Elizabeth prompted when her mother did not look away from the closed door.
“There was an accident, like your father said. He flew F-16s. It was the middle of Desert Storm, and pilots, especially fighter pilots, were deployed all the time. He got sent to Saudi Arabia right before you were born. And a week later, he was dead. He had been flying in a night training mission in the northeastern part of the country when he crashed. He was taking off from the base in Saudi Arabia and he attempted a high speed, steep-angle take-off. He suffered vertigo and lost his spatial orientation. He crashed. Does vertigo and spatial disorientation sound familiar to you?”
Elizabeth gaped at her mother, recalling the feeling of hurtling toward the ground and then being jerked into the sky in the ejection seat. She had crashed for the same reason. Wickham had been experiencing vertigo and pointed the plane at the ground rather than the sky.
Straight and level. Straight and level.
“They found his body and brought him back, from what I read later. His family claimed his body in Dover. We didn’t mourn over his flag-draped coffin. Phillip never knew about you, his family never knew about you, so we couldn’t blame them for not calling us. I guess they were in too much shock to remember to call Phillip’s college friends. Thomas heard about the accident from another college friend after the fact. I’m sure it was in the news but between Jane and the inn…. He didn’t even tell me for another month because he was fearful for my stability. We tried to track Mr. and Mrs. Johnson down. But by then, they had already been transferred again and their number had changed.
“Can you see why I was so against you flying? How could you fly when we all lost Phillip the same way? When you crashed it was like losing him all over. It took us both back.
“For Thomas, there are only a few people he loves and even fewer he thinks well of. Phillip and I had been some of them, once. I know you only see me as a silly woman who is obsessed with getting you girls happily married, but I wasn’t always this way.
“You have always been Thomas’s favorite. Of course he loves Jane and Mary and Kitty and Lydia. He is their father and he loves them, but you are more than just a daughter, though; he adopted you from the start as his own. That’s why his name is on your birth certificate. You are a part of Phillip back from the dead—he could mold you and teach you and exchange ideas without feeling bitter or betrayed like he had with Phillip or with me. I think he was determined to show you more love than the other girls because you came from the darkest place of our marriage. You’re everything he could have wanted in a child—smart, confident, determined—and you remind him of the best and worst times in our lives. Lizzy, you don’t see—there’s no way you could—how much we love you.”
12
Darcy had been plied with mini mummy corn dogs and ghost cookies while Mary and Kitty attempted to make small talk. Kitty gossiped about instructors and students Darcy might know, and Mary updated him on Lydia’s schooling. Darcy disappointed Kitty with a lack of news or information about any of the pilots she named.
Throughout, Darcy had thrown curious glances down the hallway leading to Mr. Bennet’s office, and when Mr. Bennet emerged looking stressed, Darcy wondered what was going on.
Darcy excused himself and trailed Mr. Bennet outside to the front porch where he stood gazing out at the fields and trees surrounding the inn. As Darcy stepped next to him, Mr. Bennet’s eyes jumped to him, then lazily returned to the view.
“What happened to Elizabeth?”
“One of the things I admire about you, Son, is your complete lack of tact.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Excuse me. I’m much more introspective than this conversation warrants. Elizabeth has just received some rather troubling news.”
“What kind of news? Is she okay?”
Mr. Bennet rubbed his chin and clicked his tongue.
“Sir?”
“I’m sure she will tell you when she’s ready.”
Darcy weighed pushing further for an understandable answer versus demanding an explanation. Yet, he turned to go back to the living room to give Elizabeth’s father back his privacy.
“When she tells you—don’t judge too harshly.”
Not long after, Elizabeth walked out, her eyes glassy and red. Her face was pale, highly contrasted against her dark hair. She had taken off her jacket and the conical skirt portion of her costume and held both in one hand. She crutched to him stiffly and motioned toward the door, gently saying, “Let’s go,” and she nodded goodbye to Mary and Kitty.
As they walked to the car, he wrapped his arm around her and was relieved when she didn’t pull away.
The car was filled with an electric silence on the way to Netherfield. Elizabeth stared out the windshield and winced occasionally as they passed over potholes.
“How was your dad?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Yeah, I saw he left you with your mom.”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I thought I heard raised voices.”
“Stop!” Elizabeth exclaimed with such strength that both of them flinched, surprised at the sudden volume. “Sorry,” Elizabeth said, softening her voice. “Please, I can’t tonight. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow. I promise.”
He clasped her hand in his, then brought it to his lips. As he turned down the dirt road to Netherfield, he said, “I hate to bring it up now but did you still want to go to graduation for 18-12 tomorrow? Just the morning stuff. I don’t know if you still want to see the flyby and watch the class walk out?”
“I still want to go,” she said, voice dripping with despair.
“Are you sure?”
Elizabeth gently pressed her hand on Darcy’s knee and turned to look at him.
“William, I want to go. Besides, I might not get to wear my mess dress before they try to transition me out, so I might as well enjoy it.” She smiled, and when it hit her eyes, he smiled too; but underneath his smile, his mind raced. She had never admitted the possibility of failure in her continuing quest to fly for the Air Force. Darcy had come to love and appreciate her constant confidence in her vision for the future and knowing that it might include him was a comfort to him in his moments of doubt. An Elizabeth who was not self-assured of her future shook him, but the pressure of her hand kept him grounded.
The next morning Darcy was pouring a glass of milk when Jane came to stand next to him at the sink. While she rinsed her plate, she quietly asked:
“Is she okay? She seems out of it today.”
“She had a discussion with your parents last night. That’s all I know.” Darcy shrugged.
“I wonder if they argued. She’s not one to keep so quiet about it though, if that was the case. I’m sure everything will be fine. Maybe she just didn’t sleep well?”
Darcy looked at the dark circles rimming Elizabeth’s eyes and wondered at their dullness. It was as if melancholy had enveloped her whole person. She had not even made one sarcastic remark during breakfast. What did they say to her?
“Do you mind watching out for her today? I know you’ve got work, but my job is crazy for the next few days and I don’t know if I can put anyt
hing else on my plate,” said Jane.
“Of course. I’m not flying today, just graduation this morning, so I should be able to get away if she needs me. She said last night she wanted to go.”
Jane nodded. “Just don’t let her know. She wouldn’t want to feel like she was being babysat.”
“I promise not to hover. She bit my head off the last time she felt smothered, but I think I’ve improved over the last few weeks.”
They smiled at each other. Darcy had long since appreciated Jane’s rational, optimistic viewpoints and come to find that she excelled at finding problems and eradicating them before they were identified by others. If she had chosen to go into business instead of teaching, she would have been a valuable asset in any corporation.
“Are you still interested in graduation this morning, Elizabeth?”
“Oh, I forgot. I have PT.”
“How are you getting to PT today?” Jane asked, turning away from him and returning to Elizabeth at the table.
“Madeline Gardiner. She’s coming to grab me around one.”
“Tell her I can bring you home,” said Darcy.
“Thanks, Will,” said Jane. “I’ve got parent teacher conferences next week and a mountain of paperwork. Charles is flying this afternoon, or at least he was last night, and I think Mom has an event today so Mary and Kitty will be busy too.”
Elizabeth gave her a thumbs up and went back to staring into her coffee cup.
“I’ll get the door for you. I’m on my way out anyway,” Darcy said. He leaned in to kiss Elizabeth’s forehead.
“See you, Lizzy,” called Jane.
“I’ll see you this afternoon?” Darcy asked tentatively on the way out of the room but she only nodded and waved one hand without looking up.
13
“Three more just like that. You’re doing great, sweetheart.”
She hated physical therapy. “Miss Bates I don’t see the point.” Elizabeth stopped the leg exercise and rested against the plastic bed in the office. Her hands were flopped to the sides and she stared at the large square ceiling tiles.
“Just three more. Last week you were pushing me to double them all. This week you are barely doing ten. What’s going on, sugar?”
Elizabeth rolled her eyes at the nickname. “Nothing.”
“Oh, Elizabeth, that nothing sounds exactly like something. Now, I’ll have you understand, I know nothing. I’m sure every time I open my mouth three silly nothings will just fly out. I know I talk too much about nothing, but you sweet thing, never do. So, come on, tell Miss Bates what’s happening that’s so important you would call it nothing.”
“You don’t want to hear my sob story.”
“Sob stories are the very thing I love hearing most. Now, do I need to get you to do some more exercises or are you going to spill your story?”
“Fine—just—don’t make me do any more.”
“Cross my heart.” Miss Bates crossed her heart obediently and then looked at Elizabeth expectantly. “Well?”
“Ugh. Let’s see. I found out my mom cheated on my dad so the man who I thought was my dad is actually my step-dad, and the man who is my real father was killed not long after I was born, and now I don’t know what to believe or who to turn to, and my whole childhood was a lie. Now I’m just broken and practically an orphan, and my mother is a liar and a cheat.”
Miss Bates was silent for a moment. That can’t be a good sign.
“Well?”
“What would you like me to say?”
“I don’t know—anything? Tell me that it’s okay or that my dad is still my dad or that my mom made a mistake. Honestly, any platitude I’ve thought to myself would be great.”
“I think this must be very hard for you, Elizabeth.”
“That’s not exactly helpful.”
“I think it is. You aren’t broken at all. If I found out my dear daddy, God rest his soul, wasn’t my daddy, I think I’d scream and cry and throw a fit. You’re here, doing things. But inside, I know you’re screaming and crying just like I would be. This must be terribly difficult for you.”
“Of course, I’m here. I have things that I need to do. Places I need to be. Nobody cares about my stupid problems.”
“Well, you’re right about your schedule. The Air Force waits for no man—or woman as the case may be. You have things to do. But isn’t your Captain Darcy here for you?”
“I haven’t told him yet.”
“Why in god’s name not?”
“He doesn’t have to know.”
“Honey, I want you to listen to me good. That man—who has taken you to appointment after appointment, who calls me on the weekends to see how you’re doing, who asks for every note and every assessment, who loves you more than his life itself—that man has every right to be there to comfort you and to hold you. He should be the one you’re screaming with. Why, he’s probably the one who can be there for you the most. You’re paying me for this appointment. You don’t have to be here. You’re choosing to come here and to work. You aren’t paying him. He’s choosing you, even though you’re a broken down, almost orphan, whose entire childhood was a lie. Don’t you think he might want to know why you’re acting a complete mess?”
Tears started to fall freely from the corners of Elizabeth’s eyes. They flowed into her hair. Then, she felt Miss Bate’s strong hand on her shoulder and looked up to see the caring woman’s face smiling softly down on her.
“I think the session should end a little early, don’t you?”
Elizabeth nodded.
“I’ll go call that handsome man to come get you. I think the prescription you need is a drive and some gospel. That always helped me after my daddy died. He was a reverend, and whenever I drive and listen to gospel, there’s a special spirit in the choir that makes me think that he is my guardian angel still looking out for me. He’d always say, ‘Stop talking, Hetty, and you might find something to listen to.’ I think he’d give you the opposite advice. Start talking, Elizabeth, and you might find someone to listen. God bless you in your trials, child.”
Miss Bates stood, gave Elizabeth one last tender pat on the shoulder, and retreated to another part of her office to call Darcy. Elizabeth sat in the silence listening to the air conditioner vent click on. She could hear the mumbles of staff and other patients in the office. Somewhere over the buzz of the office phone ringing and the hum of the fluorescent lights, she could almost hear a voice. Everything is going to be all right. Maybe Miss Bates had been right after all. She had found something to listen to.
A beleaguered Darcy had arrived quickly, and his eyes scanned the office before finally settling on her. He ran his hands through his hair. Elizabeth was sure he was looking for a mangled, bleeding injury or a grenade to jump on.
“Calm down, cowboy. I just had a bit of a hard session. Miss Bates thought it might be okay to end this one early is all. You don’t need to worry.”
Darcy placed one hand on his hip before moving it to rustle his hair again and then come back down to be folded in front of him.
“Relax. I’m okay.” Elizabeth gave a small chuckle. It felt good to smile, even if it was at Darcy’s clearly adorable care for her.
“Miss Bates said you were crying.”
“Can’t a girl have a little PMS?”
“Oh—is it? I mean—I didn’t think—can I get you some uh, chocolate or…?”
Elizabeth let out a large laugh while she watched Darcy blush. “I’m just kidding. Don’t you have a sister? Are periods really that embarrassing? Never mind. Don’t answer that. I’ll tell you all about it in the car. Let’s go get a drink.”
“Where to oh, fearless leader?”
“Sonic? I would love a large coke.”
“Geez. Hitting it a little early today, are we?”
“I told you. It was a rough session.”
“What exactly happened? Miss Bates has never called me.”
“Will. I don’t know how to say this.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“What?”
“Normally in the movies, after ‘I don’t know how to say this,’ someone breaks up. I just want to steel myself.”
“I’m not breaking up with you.”
“Thank god.”
They laughed for a moment. Oh, but he was handsome! His dark eyes surrounded by long lashes and perfect crinkles in the corners when he smiled that smile. It was a look she often saw him wear when they were alone together. In company, he tended to try to hide his feelings; at work, he normally looked like a stick was permanently implanted up his tail end. She was glad she saw very little of the latter these days.
“Seriously though. I do have something important to tell you.”
“Go ahead.”
“Well, last night, I found out that apparently, my father isn’t my father. My mother cheated with my dad’s best friend, and I am the result.”
Darcy studied her silently.
“His name was Phillip. Mom told me he died during the first Gulf War. He went down in an accident similar to mine.”
“Phillip.” Darcy repeated, a glimmer of recognition on his face.
“What?”
“I asked Jane about him. Right after your crash, your mom came to your room and I overheard her say that name to you. You were still asleep, and I don’t remember exactly what she said. It seems so long ago even though it’s only been a few months. She said you looked like him, and she talked about her nerves.”
“You should have told me.”
“You had a lot on your plate. That’s why I asked Jane. I figured if he was important she would tell me. I thought maybe your mom was talking about your uncle. Isn’t their last name? Phillips?”
“Uncle John?”
“That’s the one.”
“We don’t look anything alike. He’s a red-head.” She laughed.
“Hence my confusion.”
“It’s nice to know Mom wanted to come clean on my death bed.”