“He wasn’t always the best brother,” Nick tells me as we coast into the city limits of Clarksville. “But he was there when it mattered, which I really couldn’t ask for more. He was the first person I came out to, after Reese of course. He was so supportive. This was last summer, right before he left for Syria.”
He trails off here, leaving me to fill in the missing pieces of his puzzle.
“I would have liked to meet him.”
Nick chuckles, and it sounds like the laughter has to squeeze around a lump in his throat. “He would have liked you. I’m sure of it.”
“Was it hard? To come out to him?”
“Yes and no? I mean, I was horrified. But I was determined, and after it was all said and done, he hugged me and told me it was all going to work out.”
“What about your parents?”
Nick’s smile fades and I immediately regret asking.
“We’re not really in a place that I can do that right now. Maybe sometime soon, but definitely not now.”
“Right,” I say, trying to save face. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to pry.”
“It’s cool. What about you? Are you out to your mom?”
“Yeah. I’m not really proud of how I did it, though. It was sort of in the middle of an argument.”
Nick sucks air through his teeth. “That’s rough.”
“But we’re good now. She’s honestly the only person, besides my therapist, that knows.”
“Why’s that?”
“Honestly? It’s because she’s all I have. I would have told Chase, but I never got the opportunity.”
My words weigh down the air in the car. Why did I bring Chase into this? It’s probably not polite to talk about the dead on your first date.
We pull into the restaurant, and it takes us a second to find a spot. I unfasten my belt and reach for the door, but Nick catches my hand. When I turn to look at him, he’s already leaning over the armrest to kiss me.
This kiss is minty, like he stashed an Altoid in his cheek. When he pulls away, my head swims in a haze.
“Sorry, I’ve been dying to do that again.”
I clear my throat. “No need to be sorry.”
We climb out of the car and I take a second to get my head back on straight. Sunlight washes over the ridges to the west, illuminating their edges with an orange glow. Nick looks at me, a beam of gold warming his hair to honey and his eyes to amber.
“Everything okay?”
I nod, shutting the car door and circling to meet him on the other side. He smirks at me, then places a hand over my shoulder as we walk to the entrance.
Giordano’s sits at the end of a strip mall, in the corner next to a dollar store and a bookstore that shuttered their doors years ago. The dusty ‘For Sale’ sign hangs crooked on the door. Inside the tiny restaurant, a wave of noise washes over us. Benches run along both sides of the lobby, filled to capacity with hungry patrons. Nick steers us through the crowd to the counter where a gray-haired woman stands, smiling.
“Welcome to Giordano’s,” she greets us, glancing down at her legal pad of names. “Table for two this evening?”
“Yes, please.” Nick inhales deeply, “It smells amazing in here.”
“You won’t leave hungry, sweetheart. Give me just a second, I think I’ve got something for you two now.”
The woman disappears behind a partition, and Nick releases his hold on me, grabbing a menu from the counter.
I shove my hands in my pockets, fidgeting. A child runs past us, a red balloon bouncing with each step. A man talks loudly into his Bluetooth earpiece, expressing his frustration that his date is running late. He pulls a box out of his pocket and opens it. I catch a glimpse of a sparkling diamond. The man closes the box with a snap and stows it back into his slacks.
At least I won’t be the most nervous guy in the room.
The host reappears from around the corner, “Okay, boys. Right this way.”
She ushers us into the dining room, weaving us through a maze of tables until we’re at the booth in the corner and she sets our menus.
“Okay, you two, divertiti anche per me. Enjoy.”
Nick slides into the booth. “What did she say?” he asks me, like I’m suddenly a walking Italian dictionary.
“I think it just means enjoy your meal.”
“I sure hope so. She did wink at me a couple of times. Or maybe she just has a tick.”
I chuckle. “It’s a mystery.”
Silence grows between us as we hide behind open menus. I was afraid of this. Now that we’re here and this is actually a thing, we’ve run out of things to talk about.
“Good evening gentlemen,” a voice comes from the other side of my menu. I crane my head over the top to spy our server. “Are you ready to start off with something to drink? Or are you two going to play peek-a-boo all night long?”
I set the menu flat on the table, and Nick is mirroring my confusion.
“That’s better,” the server says, tucking a strand of his bleached-blond hair behind his ear. Now I can clearly see the diamond stud in his lobe, and the sparkly shine to his fingernails. “Now, what are we drinking?”
“I’ll have a water,” I say, dropping my eyes to the appetizer section.
“Coke, please.”
“You got it, honey. I’ll be right back with those and some bread.”
The server struts away and I can’t help but watch as he does. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the chance to interact with someone so… fabulous.
“Did you see his fingernails?” I ask Nick.
Nick cocks his head to the side. “Whose?”
“Our server. He had this really cool clear coat with glitter. It’s just like the kind that Chase used to—”
I bite down on my tongue. There I go again, bringing up the dead on my date I would be a necromancer’s wet dream over here.
Nick watches me as I clear my throat again, glancing down the table.
Our server is back, and I manage to catch the name, Remy, on his name tag. Remy sets the drinks down followed by a basket of steaming breadsticks.
“Have you two made a decision or do you need to make some more googly eyes before you’re ready?”
My cheeks burn, but Nick pipes up.
“Actually, we’re having a serious round of footsie going on right now, so maybe a lap would be a good idea.”
Remy just laughs, sticking his order book back into the front of his apron. “You two take as long as you need. I’ve got a kid’s birthday party going on right over there, so if you need anything just wave me down. I’ll be the one fashioning a noose out of napkins.”
With that bit of imagery, Remy takes off and then it’s just me and Nick again. Well, us and the old man five feet away playing the accordion. His rendition of ‘Single Ladies’ actually isn’t half bad.
“Tommy?”
I blink, realizing I’ve spaced out. “Sorry,” I mutter, folding the menu and pushing it to the side. “Did you say something?”
“I said it’s okay to talk about him. Chase, I mean. It doesn’t bother me.”
Oh. Well that’s not expected.
“I’m sorry I keep bringing him up. It’s not on purpose, I promise. It’s just… it hasn’t really been that long and it’s so easy just to talk about him like he’s here.”
Nick nods along, his eyes crinkling at the edges with a smile. “I get that. So, why don’t we just both take a deep breath and relax. It’s just a date. Right?”
I take his advice, breathing in and exhaling slowly.
“Right.”
“You two are just the cutest little thing.”
Our server has really taken a liking to us over the course of dinner.
“Like, I hope you stay together forever. Hashtag goals.”
“Thanks?” I say, handing back the black leather book with my debit card in it. He takes it and hovers for one more second making a muffled ‘awww’ grunt and disappearing.
“H
e’s so adorable,” Tommy says, playing with the lid to his foam to-go box.
“He’s something alright,” I agree.
Dinner has been going surprisingly well. After we got over a couple speedbumps and Tommy let himself go a little, we’ve had a really good time. But now comes part two of the date, and I don’t know if I’m ready to pull it off.
“Did you want to get some ice cream?” Tommy asks, giving me a smile.
“Actually,” I start, shifting in my seat. “I was going to see if you wanted to bake something with me?”
Tommy blinks at me, like I’ve just grown a second head.
“Or, I mean, ice cream sounds nice too. Sorry, I just thought that—”
“No!” Tommy interrupts, then flinches at his own volume and continues, “I was just a little… surprised is all. I’d love to bake something with you. Um. Fair warning, I’m terrible in a kitchen. I can barely handle ramen noodles.”
“No worries there,” I say, exhaling a sigh of relief. “You’ll merely be there for emotional support. I’ll do all the heavy baking.”
His smile returns, signaling a cluster of butterflies to swirl through my stomach.
“Here we go, lovebirds.” Our server places the book back on the table, then two peppermints. He leans closer to Tommy and loudly whispers, “That’s for the garlic breath.”
Tommy’s cheeks light up, but he nods, and I sign the receipt.
“You two have a wonderful night,” our server continues. “I’m off to clean up birthday off the ceiling. Pray for me.”
“Best of luck,” I offer.
“Thoughts and prayers,” says Tommy.
He rolls his eyes. “Bless you both.”
As he walks away, Tommy slides out of the booth. “So, what are we baking? Or I guess, a better question is where are we baking?”
“My mom is actually out of town tonight,” I say, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice. “Is it cool if we go back to the cabin?”
Tommy hesitates, his lips forming soundless words. Then he nods, emphatically. “Yes. That sounds great.”
“Awesome. Let’s get going, then.”
The cabin is dark as we pull into the empty gravel driveway.
I can feel the tension radiating off Tommy. He grips his knees, fingers sinking in.
“You okay?” I ask, shutting the engine off. Chirping cicadas sing their song from all around us.
He shifts in his seat. “Yeah. I’m good.”
I unfasten my belt, open my door, and climb out into the balmy night air. The stars are bright above me. A couple dark clouds blot out a cluster here and there, but otherwise, it’s a perfect night. Now, I just have to make sure I don’t ruin it.
No pressure, right?
I turn around, expecting to see Tommy waiting on the other side of the car, but he’s MIA. I duck back down to see him still sitting in the passenger seat.
“Tommy?”
He jumps at my voice, fumbling with his pocket until he produces his cell phone. “Sorry! I’ve, um, just got to check in with my Mom real quick. You go ahead, I’ll be in as soon as I’m done.”
Is he dodging me? Maybe tonight isn’t going as perfect as I’m thinking it is.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll get everything set up. See you inside.”
The gravel crunches under my feet with each step, until I hit the wooden stairs up to the front door. It’s cool in the cabin. I spend a moment switching on all the lights, so hopefully it won’t look like I’m trying to lure Tommy into a dark house to murder him. Next, I switch on the oven, setting the temperature. I’m about to grab the mixer when my phone buzzes in my pocket.
SOS. I’m freaking out. 7:34pm
I glance out the window. Tommy’s face is illuminated by the glow of his phone. Mine buzzes again—
He invited me to his EMPTY house. It’s just going to be the two of us. What do I do? 7:34pm
I step away from the window and pull out a barstool to sit on. I have to play dumb for a second, but maybe this is good. I can calm him down.
Me: What do you want to do? I mean, if the guy likes you, I’m sure he’d be fine if you said you had to leave. 7:35pm
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until the next message comes in.
I don’t want to leave. I want to spend more time with him. But… 7:36pm
Me: Well, how’s the date been going so far? Be specific now, I have to live vicariously through you. 7:36pm
It’s been really good. And he’s been so understanding. I keep bringing up past baggage like an idiot, and he doesn’t even flinch. 7:36pm
Me: Sounds like a real dreamboat. :) 7:37pm
He kind of is. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this. It’s so embarrassing. I’m sitting outside in his car, pretending to talk to my mom. I’m such a child. 7:37pm
Me: I think you’re being a bit harsh on yourself. If this guy is as chill as he sounds, I think he’ll give you all the time you need. 7:38pm
I hope so. Thanks, Stranger. 7:38pm
Me: Anytime. Now, take a deep breath, hang up on your mom, and have a good night. 7:38pm
[Thumbs up emoji] 7:39pm
I set my phone on the counter, peeking through the curtains again. Tommy is climbing out of the car. He tugs on the end of his shirt and then checks his hair in the sideview mirror. He’s so damn cute.
“In here!” I call, once I hear the door open. A moment later, Tommy walks into the kitchen, his cheeks tinged pink and a goofy smile stretching his lips.
“Sorry,” he apologizes, hovering by the fridge. “My mom’s a chatterbox sometimes.”
“No worries.” I have to fight the knowing grin that tugs at me. “I know just how you feel. Don’t get my ma worked up about her juicing habits. Vegetable juice, I mean. My mother doesn’t take performance enhancing drugs.”
“That’s good to know,” Tommy says after a chuckle. He watches me from across the room, his arms tucked tightly against his chest as he leans against the broad side of the refrigerator.
“I was thinking I’d make some cookies,” I say, crossing over to the fridge. I pull out a stick of butter and the carton of eggs and set them on the counter. “Double chocolate chunk. How does that sound?”
“Like heaven,” Tommy replies, his weight shifting forward so that he’s standing on the balls of his feet. He’s close enough now that I see the line of green that interrupts the warm brown of his irises.
I close the fridge door. He doesn’t budge.
“It’ll take a minute for the butter to soften,” I say, not breaking eye contact. He nods, his weight shifting forward enough that he has to take a step, and now he’s right up close.
“What should we do while we wait?” he asks, the pinkish tint to his cheeks now a scarlet red. He unfolds his arms and a finger trails down to hook through my belt loop. He gives it a tug and suddenly we’re closer than we’ve ever been.
My head swims as he wraps his other arm around the small of my back, pulling even closer. The resulting friction sends a shiver up my spine.
“What do you want to do?” I ask, my own hands grabbing gently at his hips.
He exhales, eyes heavy-lidded. “This.”
Tommy kisses me, slow at first, cautious. But with each sharp breath between us, he holds me tighter, presses harder against me. I stumble from the shift in weight, my backside colliding with the counter behind me. I hardly even notice. Neither does Tommy.
After a moment, Tommy pulls away from me, but his hand remains planted on my back to keep me in place. His chest heaves with each breath he takes and I’m sure mine is doing the same. He leans in again and I go to meet him, but then he’s kissing my neck. I let out a gasp as teeth scrape against my skin.
“Holy shit,” I breathe, closing my eyes. Tommy continues his way down my neck, pulling at my lapels to open it wider. My legs begin to quake as he nips at my collarbone.
Now he’s fumbling with the buttons on my shirt, his hands trembling. He swears under his bre
ath when he can’t get the top one undone.
“Hang on,” I say, brushing his hands out of the way to unfasten it myself. I go ahead and undo the first three, but Tommy continues on to the fourth, and finally, the last button. His warm hands explore my chest as he kisses me.
I’m in a daze when he pulls away again.
“Is this okay?” he asks, the tone of his voice taking an almost sharp tone.
“Huh?”
“Is it okay,” he repeats himself. “That I’m doing this? Sorry, I just realized that I didn’t ask first.”
Is he being serious right now?
I nod, hard enough that it kind of hurts.
Tommy smiles again, and then his mouth is back on mine and all I care about is the weight of him against me and the warm touch of his hand.
When he pulls away again, we’re both breathing heavy. He looks over his shoulder, then back at me. “What?” I ask.
“Do you…” he trails off, his gaze falling down to the floor.
“Do I…?”
He grimaces then untangles himself from me. He takes a deep breath, then sets his sights on me again. “Do you want to take this to your bedroom?”
I nod, even more emphatically than the last time. Tommy grins. I take him by the hand, glancing over to the counter before I lead him out.
At this point, the butter is the only thing that’s soft.
My heart is racing as Nick leads me by-the-hand up a narrow wooden staircase. He opens the door at the top of the stairs and ushers me into his bedroom. The roof slants down at either end of the room. A cushy-looking bed with gray sheets sits under a large window against the center wall. Beside that is a small desk with a laptop and spinning chair.
Nick brings me to the unmade bed, sitting on the edge. He lets go of my hand, then begins to unbutton the front of my shirt. Chills shoot through me as his fingers brush my skin. My shirt falls to the floor in a heap and my body moves, like I’m being controlled by some unseen force. I push Nick back on the bed, climbing on top of him to kiss those sweet lips again.
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