“Uh…it is awkward,” I conceded. “It doesn’t feel right to lie to everyone, and I’m so paranoid that people can see right through me. I just wish I was a better actress.” I pointedly didn’t remark on the previous night’s events, in the hope that he would drop the subject. The flash in his eyes told me he got the hint.
He chuckled awkwardly. “Is it so hard to pretend to be in love with me?”
“I didn’t mean it like that!”
He stood up and laughed. “Oh, look at you backtracking your foot all the way out of your mouth.”
“Hey! Stop teasing me, Gabe Dawson. You know exactly what I meant. Anyway, you just said yourself that you feel awkward pretending to be in love with me.”
“Yeah, awkward doesn’t even come close. I mean, coz you’re so ugly and all that!” He laughed, then darted away as I threw a pillow at him. I followed him down the stairs, both of us laughing at the situation we had gotten ourselves into. He poured me a glass of wine and opened a beer for himself.
“At least it won’t be forever. If we can get through the wedding and sit it out for about six or nine months, then we’ll be in the clear and you can get back to your life and do whatever it was you were doing. What were you doing, by the way?”
I snorted at him. “Nothing. I was just coasting. Getting on with life, studying hard for my nursing degree, passing time like most people do.”
He took a swig from his beer. “No boyfriends in the picture?”
I shrugged. “Nah. Not for me. I don’t have the time.”
There was an awkward silence. I silently begged for him not to bring up the night before.
He threw a curveball instead. “Speaking of the wedding, have you chosen your dress yet?”
“What? No!” I hadn’t even considered that I would have to get all gussied up for the wedding. “Do I have to wear something froufrou?”
“If you like, but I never took you for a frilly doily type woman.”
“Oh, if you want frills, you can have frills,” I grinned.
“I expect you think it’s fine to walk down the aisle in a pair of jeans and sneakers,” he goaded.
“You know me so well, Dawson.”
He grinned back, and for the first time it felt like we were able to relax into each other’s company. Maybe we could get through this thing without any more issues.
I suddenly had a thought. “Hey, if we want to make a big show of the whole being in love and being engaged thing, you should probably come along to the Valentine’s ball with me.”
“Valentine’s what now?” His eyebrow arched as though I had just told him pigs could fly.
“I organize the Valentine’s ball in the town every year. Everyone goes along. Fancy black tie and ball gown affair.”
He took a huge glug of his beer and shook his head. “It’s not really my thing.”
“I know that. But it would shut up all those town gossips and make everyone believe that this love thing we’ve got going is real. Maybe word will get back to Matt and he’ll start to see that you’re serious about the whole thing.”
He thought for a minute, and I was starting to wonder if I should have kept my mouth shut. He put down his beer and nodded. “Okay then, Ms. Torres. You shall have a handsome fella to go to the ball! Just don’t expect me to dance, okay?”
I grinned at him. “We’ll see about that, soldier boy.”
Chapter Nine
Gabe
With everything that was going on my head was about ready to burst. I silently cursed my dad several times a day for what he was doing to me. And then every time I cursed him, I felt a pang of guilt for cursing out a man who was no longer alive to defend himself. And I remembered that he had some unknown crazy reason for doing what he had done.
Still, between the fake engagement, the problems with Matt, dealing with work contracts from the farmhouse and trying to keep Louie’s life as stable as possible, I was just about run ragged.
Then to add in what happened between me and Lana – talk about throwing curveballs. I felt like we needed to talk more about what happened. The way she responded to me, and the way it felt to be in her arms. I had never felt anything like it. But she didn’t want to discuss it. I had to try and find a way to plough through, even though the memory of how she felt to touch kept invading my brain.
I silently berated myself for focusing on her soft lips when I had a million other things to think about. It was exhausting just trying to remember all the lies. It was beginning to dawn on me that all this stress perhaps wasn’t worth it. None of what was happening was fair. Not to me, Lana, Louie, or even Matt. I wondered where he had gone. It cut me deep inside to know how much he was hurting over all this, even though he was being such an asshole.
The days flew past and Lana and I went back to being quite formal with one another. It was all very polite and pleasant, but I felt the strain, and I wondered if she felt it too. If she did feel it, she didn’t let on. She threw herself into preparations for the Valentine’s ball, and I kept myself busy with work and Louie.
On the Thursday before the ball, Lana suggested going into town to find me a tuxedo. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I thought I should at least make as much of an effort as she was.
So we headed into town and, for all intents and purposes, we looked and acted like we were completely in love with one another. Lana took my hand in hers, sending a shiver down my spine that I tried to hide.
She dragged me into the hire shop and waited while I was fitted for my penguin suit. I had to admit I looked kinda snazzy in the suit. I caught Lana looking at me in the mirror, but she seemed to get embarrassed, and quickly turned away.
Satisfied that I was ready for the dance, she suggested we head into Kleeman’s for coffee and cake, her treat. When she returned to the table after ordering, she smirked knowingly at me. “You don’t like shopping, do you?”
“Nope. Especially not for penguin suits.”
“Well you have to look good for the Valentine’s ball. You are engaged to the organizer after all.” She emphasized the word ‘engaged’ and wiggled her eyebrows.
“We do have to keep up appearances, I suppose. I just can’t quite believe that you’ve managed to talk me into going to this thing.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Really? Is someone a little bit scared of having some fun?”
“You call getting gussied up in a penguin suit and having to dance in front of the entire town fun? I’ve experienced easier torture tactics than that,” I huffed.
Lana laughed then suddenly stopped. “Oh shit.”
“What is it?”
She pointed out the window. My brother, Matt, was striding across the road, heading our way. “Oh crap. Do you think he’s seen us?”
“Looks like it. I really hope he doesn’t cause a scene.”
I knew that was wishful thinking. “I’ll talk to him outside.” I drained my coffee and walked outside, closing the door behind me. I gestured to Matt that we should move away from the front of the shop.
He refused to budge. “No, I’m not going to move away from here. People need to hear what you’re doing.”
“Come on Matt. Let’s talk about this back at the house.” I peered inside the window of the coffee house. Lana was watching us, anxiety etched across her face.
“No. We’re gonna do this here. Do you really think you’re going to get away with this?”
I sighed. “I’m doing what dad wanted me to do.”
“No you’re not. It’s all fake. Do you honestly think dad would have wanted you to do this?”
“Matt, I’m getting tired of debating this with you. Why can’t you just accept that this is the way things are, stop being an asshole and come back to the farm?”
Matt’s face was red, and his features were contorting in barely concealed rage. “Do you really think I want to be around the farm while you two carry on this charade?”
I leaned forward, aware that people in the coffee shop and on
the street were watching us. “Keep your voice down, Matt. We don’t need our business spread all about the place. Come on back to the farm and we’ll talk. Come on, you’re my brother.”
“Fuck you, Gabe!” He spat, scraping his chair back and standing up. “Fuck you, and fuck this Mexican whore you’ve got in on this stupid plan of yours!”
I grabbed him by the collar. “You take that back!”
“Why should I, brother?” He spat. The hate in his eyes made something snap inside of me. The fight left my body. I let him go and closed my eyes.
“Do you really think that this has all been easy on me, Matt?”
“You’re the one sitting pretty with dad’s estate.”
I groaned, frustrated with the whole situation. “Oh Matt, you have no idea. A few weeks ago I was happy working away in DC. I mean, I wasn’t super happy, but I was content, you know? Life was back on track, and me and Louie were making the most of our situation. Then dad goes and dies and I have to come back here to this shithole town, so that I can lay him to rest.”
“He’s my dad too!” Matt retorted, his eyes welling up.
“I know. I know Matt. Do you think I don’t know what you’re feeling? It hurts. It hurts so much to know that he’s never coming back. And then all this shit with the Will.”
I could feel the pent up frustration bubbling to the surface. If I didn’t end this conversation soon I was going to blow my top. Matt seemed to sense it, and took a step backwards. “You know, I’ve just about had enough of this. There has to be some other way that we can sort this out.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, Matt. But I’m done. I’m done being pulled pillar to post, lying to everyone about getting married. I’m done with all this drama with you. I don’t even want the farm. Shit, this place is the last place I want to be!”
I suddenly felt like a pressure valve had been released. “What the hell am I doing? There is no way in hell I would marry a South Dakotan woman again. Do you think I could possibly fall in love with a local woman again? There’s no way!”
Matt’s jaw dropped open.
“I think we’ve all heard enough.”
I turned to see Lana standing at the door, her face set like stone. I cursed under my breath and walked towards her. “Lana, I’m sorry…”
She walked past me. “We need to get back for Louie.”
We drove back to the farm in silence. Lana was distant, looking out of the window. My thoughts were racing, urging me to book the next flight back to DC.
We pulled into the drive and I stopped the car. Lana got out and walked ahead of me into the house. I followed her in, desperate to talk to her, to try and sort things out.
“Lana,” I called, as she reached her bedroom.
She turned around and I could see that she was crying. “Don’t, okay? I don’t want to hear it.”
“Please, Lana, let me explain.”
“No. You’ve said enough. I just want to be on my own.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. “I don’t really know what I’m doing, Lana. If I let Matt do what he wants to do, you and your parents, and all the other farmhands will have nowhere to go. My family’s legacy will disappear. But I don’t think we should be doing this either. I’m stuck here. I don’t know what to do.”
“I know,” she replied quietly, before going into her room and closing the door.
I climbed the stairs and flopped on to my bed and stared at the ceiling. I felt utterly alone.
“Dad, why the hell did you do this to us?” I whispered to the air. “You must have known the trouble it would cause between me and Matt.”
The realization that my dad wasn’t going to respond hit me full force. My hands balled into fists and I hit the bed in frustration before turning on my side and curling into a ball. “Why did you have to leave us like this?”
I sensed a presence in the room. I turned round on the bed, and Lana was standing there, tears still rolling down her face. She wiped them away and climbed on to the bed. She cuddled up to me and wrapped her arm around my waist, the other hand gently soothing my forehead.
It felt so good to be held like that. Her soft, clean scent filled my nose and I relaxed as she gently rocked me. She slid down a little and we squeezed each other a little tighter. Her face was level with mine. Her eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and her lips were puffed and swollen.
Filled with so much need, I craned my neck and gently bumped my lower lip against hers. I sank into her as her lips parted and I pulled the lower lip into my mouth.
She pulled away and placed her finger against my lip. “No Gabe, stop it. We can’t kiss like this. Not unless it really means something. And it can’t mean something, because this is not what we agreed.”
I struggled to understand what she meant. Even she looked confused. I opened my mouth to speak but she held her finger there.
“If you want to continue this charade so you can have the farm, then I will help you do it. But I can’t be your emotional dispensary service. I’m not strong enough for that.”
“You heard what I said?”
“Yes. And I get it, I do.”
“I hurt you.”
She closed her eyes, her face etched with pain. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I…don’t think you should come to the Valentine’s ball with me.”
“If that’s what you want?”
Her voice was hoarse. “That’s what I want.”
She left me there on the bed.
Chapter Ten
Lana
I woke up the next morning feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I looked at the time and realized I had slept through my alarm. All I wanted to do was stick my head back under the comforter and forget the world. But it was the day of the ball and I had lots to do.
My thoughts flashed back to the way I had left things last night. I felt hollow, as though all the joy had been scooped out of me. The worst of it was that I didn’t know why I was so upset at what Gabe had said about not being able to love anyone from here again. But it struck me and I felt floored by his words.
I touched my lips, remembering the warmth of his breath as he had kissed me. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be kissed. Even thinking about the kiss brought memories of Kyle flooding back. He had this way of making everything better with a kiss. Even when we fought, he would come find me and kiss me, saying that he couldn’t bear to fight with me.
The day he had the car crash rushed into my head. I closed my eyes as the memories washed over me. The sheer panic of not knowing where he was. The temporary relief at being told that he was in Dakota Med in the trauma unit. Then the shock and disbelief when I arrived to see him, only to be told he had died on route to the hospital.
I refused to believe he was gone. I sat for hours in the waiting room, just staring at the walls, praying that I was locked in a nightmare and that Kyle would come and shake me awake. Mom and dad eventually coaxed me out of the hospital and into their house, where I proceeded to shut down completely, just sitting and staring into space.
When it finally hit me that Kyle was gone I was inconsolable. Once I started crying I couldn’t stop. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. When he died, a huge part of me died along with him.
I shifted in the bed and stretched. My mind immediately went to the night Gabe and I were frantically tangled in each other. It was crazy to think how close we had come to actually getting naked and having sex. I wasn’t used to being held in that way, never mind being kissed and touched like that. Tears threatened to stream down my face, so I took a few long, slow, deep breaths and tried to calm down.
I could hear Gabe moving around downstairs, but I didn’t really want to talk to him. I was tired of feeling awkward, and this was supposed to be the big day. All of my hard work over the last few months would come together for the party of the year. I was determined to make the most of it. So, I waited until Gabe went into the shower and I quickly headed
over to mom and dad’s house.
The familiar smell of mom’s cooking made me feel infinitely better. She smiled and gave me a massive hug when I walked in. I let my body collapse into her warmth, relieved to be somewhere that I could just be myself.
“You’re just in time for some lunch.”
“Good. I’m starving.” I helped her set the table and we busied around the kitchen until dad came home. After more hugs we sat and got down to the business of eating.
I was happily stuffing my face with fried cornbread when I noticed dad was eyeing me up.
“What’s wrong dad?”
“I could ask you the same thing, babygirl.”
I frowned and shrugged it off. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Dad pointed his fork at mom. “Do you see that, Marta? She thinks we don’t see that something’s wrong.”
Mom nodded sagely. “It’s almost as if we didn’t bring her up from being a baby.”
I sighed and put down my fork. “Things have just been a little strained, is all. I’m finding it hard to adjust to this fairytale that we’re spinning.”
Dad spooned some more salad on to his plate, his face a mix of understanding and disapproval. “I can see it’s having a strain on you. I’m not sure I entirely approve of the situation, but I know what’s driving you to do it.”
“We’re so grateful that you’re doing this for us, Lana,” my mom agreed. “But we want you to know that we don’t expect you to do it. If Matt gets the farm and we have to leave we’ll figure something out. You don’t have to burden yourself with all of this.”
I smiled at them. “I know, but you don’t have to worry. I’m a big girl and I know what I’m doing.” Mom and dad didn’t look convinced. Time to change the subject. “Anyway, it’s the big night tonight. I’m going to make sure it goes off without a hitch and have a great night of dancing.”
“Good for you,” dad smiled.
My dress for the ball was still over at my parents, so I decided to get ready at theirs. That way, I didn’t have to spend any time around the farmhouse with the chance of having to deal with Gabe.
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