RUFFIAN
MY EYES OPENED at two a.m. Fudgsicle time. I didn’t have an alarm set, it was just the way it was for me. I looked around the room from the floor. I was pretty sure Teddi would not be involved in the ritual tonight. Or if she was, she wouldn’t want me there. As I made the decision to not move a muscle and to leave the girl in peace, I watched as my arms threw the blanket off of me. I was standing up and going to the kitchen. It reminded me of Ulysses reacting to the damn sirens. At least he had tried to show some restraint.
I got to the empty kitchen and stood in the middle rather uselessly. I didn’t want a Fudgsicle without her. I looked at the clock on the stove. Two oh-three A.M.. If she wasn’t here by two oh-five, I’d take it as the message it was. I stood staring at the clock, watching the numbers tick by until it got to two oh-six. I was telling myself I’d drive her in the morning, maybe, and we could talk then, when movement caught my eye. I turned my head, the focus of the digital numbers were burned into my eyes, but Teddi was there, leaning against the doorframe in the kitchen, feet crossed at the ankles and arms crossed as well.
The body language was not good. Closed off, crossed off. But I didn’t care. She was here. Which meant she’d wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see her.
She combed her hair away from her face and brushed it to the side. It fell in silk waves right back to where it was. Stubborn.
Finally, she pushed away from the doorframe and crossed the kitchen, passing close by. I could smell her conditioner. The desire was a punch to my system that made me close one eye. I wanted to sniff her head like a drug dog hoping for a treat. I took a second to get ahold of myself while she went to the freezer.
She faced me and I looked in her face.
Zap.
Straight through me. It was such a pull it felt like the world spun around us here, in this moment in time, from the kitchen. I could feel the galaxies expanding in the universe.
And I sounded crazy. Like legitimately, call the cops and see if they had a tranquilizer gun crazy. I caught the Popsicle she tossed to me. She put all her focus on opening the treat. We started eating, looking at each other, only lit by the eerie blue clock from the oven.
I could see the conversation she wanted to have in her eyes. I knew she wouldn’t want to hear my answers with the way she angled her body away from mine.
I stopped eating. Couldn’t make myself do it. I almost felt like I was on the edge of crying, at the edge of screaming. I walked toward her slowly so she could move if she wanted to.
After planning and spending the afternoon with Meg, all I could do was react to the pull I felt for Teddi. To Teddi. I dropped the Fudgsicle into the sink. I moved as close as I could to her. My socked feet on either side of her bare ones.
When she looked up at me, there was only one choice, even if it ruined everything. I leaned down slowly. She could leave. She should leave.
Instead, the ice cream fell from her hand as her eyes widened. I looked at her lips, her neck, her face.
I touched my forehead to hers. “I’m sorry. This is more important. You’re more important.”
And then I didn’t have to wonder if I was making the wrong move, because she reached behind my neck and pulled my mouth to hers.
Ice cold and tasting like chocolate and mint from her toothpaste. The clash of our lips tipped me. I hadn’t known I was standing at the edge of a precipice but her pushing against me and threading her hands into my hair were my ultimate point of origin.
I’d died a little that night when my mom did. But this, right now, was my resurrection.
TEDDI
THERE HAD BEEN kisses in my life. But this? Right now? It was the kiss. The kiss that made everything else drop away. The kitchen disappeared. All my responsibilities and concerns vanished.
There was just him. I didn’t know where this was coming from, this need. His lips were fourteen promises and a few lies. And I wanted all of it.
When he closed his arms around me and pulled me closer to his face, the friction between our bodies was like a starting pistol. He picked me up and set me on the counter, and I pulled him between my legs and locked my ankles together.
Mine. He was mine. My whole body knew him. Home. Forever. Trust. So much trust.
We took a break for air.
He exhaled my name, “Teddi.”
I smiled at him and spoke his, “Ruffian.”
“What is this?” He looked at me, at my body, and ran his hands up my arms and held my face. “What?”
I swallowed. “I don’t know. But it feels super—”
He finished my thought, “Right?”
“Like it’s always been here waiting for us to find each other,” I offered.
He kissed my forehead, then the edge of my nose, then tasted my lips.
I moaned into him, no shame. I felt how real I could be. He was like being in a room by myself. No secrets needed.
His mouth left mine and trailed to my neck. I let my head fall back. He nip-kissed me up to my earlobe. My ears were so sensitive; I wanted to lean into him and push him away all at once.
“Kids?”
The kitchen light flicked on. My dad. My dad had just turned on the kitchen light. I pressed my lips together and let go of Ruffian. Oh, we were going to be in trouble. Huge trouble.
RUFFIAN
HEARING THE GIRL’S father’s voice when you are literally in another world filled with her is a real kick in the balls.
I stepped back and rubbed my temples. I actively tried to picture anything to take my boner down a few notches. Nothing was working. I kept my back facing Mike for a few more beats before coming to my senses.
“Let me clean that up for you.” I reached past Teddi who flinched as I ripped off a handful of paper towels. I dropped to one knee and started mopping up the melting ice cream. It was super melted. How long had we been making out? Enough to turn half this ice cream to soup.
“Teddi, can you go to your room? Ruffian and I have to have a discussion.”
Oh God. He was going to kill me. I hadn’t figured him for a man of violence, but I had just been about to start dry humping his daughter in his kitchen. After all this family had done.
Teddi didn’t say anything, but a quick glance told me she was embarrassed. Her cheeks were super red. Her ears, too.
I moved a little to toss out what I had, and my stupid boner wasn’t reading the temperature of the room at all. He was just down there living in his own party. I felt like I was juggling a stick between my thighs.
“Everything all right?” Ronna’s voice made my whole body wince.
“We’re good guys. And Dad, whatever you say to Ruffian, I want to be a part of. We were both here doing this.” She slid off the counter with another handful of towels. She helped me clean a little. We touched hands and the meat stick that was starting to deflate perked up again.
“What happened?” Ronna was lost.
I peeked over my shoulder and the good news was my boner immediately called in a surrender. The bad news was Mike looked like he wanted to rip my head off and stack it on top of a snowman. In another state. Possibly another country.
Teddi sighed and stood up. “Ruffian and I were kissing.”
Ronna’s eyebrows shot up and then she got a little smile. “Oh well, I see.”
“Dad, you can’t give him any grief. I kissed him. He was just here for ice cream.” She pulled on her t-shirt that had ridden up in the back from all the kissing.
“Teddi, I came down because I heard noises and I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I need to process this.” His jaw was clenching and the veins in his neck were sticking out.
TEDDI
“WELL, THEN LET Ruffian by, and you, Mom, and I will have it out. But it’s not on him.” I grabbed Ruffian’s wrist and pulled him past my father. I let go so he could descend the stairs. “Go get some sleep. You have to drive us in the morning.”
I was pleading with him. Dad was going to be fine. This
was embarrassing, of course, but not the end of the world. He’d seen me kiss a few guys I’d dated in the past. He didn’t like it, but he was able to keep himself in check and be realistic about my life being about my choices.
“Listen, if you need me to leave, Mr. Burathon, I totally understand. And anything you’re going to do to discipline Teddi, I should have those same consequences.” He was standing on the second step from the top, making him almost my height. “You guys have been nothing but nice and generous and I took advantage of that by hitting on Teddi.”
Hitting on me? I had felt that kiss sculpt my future. Hitting on me?
Mom came to our defense. “Listen, as long as you were both willing participants and everyone is okay?” She looked from me to Ruffian and back again. We both nodded. “Let’s go to bed, get some sleep because it’s just Wednesday tomorrow and we all have a long day. We can talk about the repercussions of this in the light of day. Get some clarity.”
Mom came up to me and hugged my shoulders and kissed the side of my head. Then she held out a hand to Ruffian who took it. Mom just stood there for a minute before smiling with tired eyes. “Let’s get back to bed.”
She let go of Ruffian’s hand and turned away from us. She dragged a very unwilling dad back up the stairs to their room. I stood there in front of Ruffian, waiting to see what he would say. It took my parents’ room door closing before he put both his hands in his hair.
“Well, I really fucked up. I’m sorry, Teddi. I should’ve never kissed you like that.” He shook his head.
“I would never apologize for the kiss we just had.” I pointed back at the counter where I’d been mortified to be caught by Dad, but before that, well, it was a whole new set of feelings. I wanted more of them.
He looked at his feet and shuffled them a little, holding onto the handrail tightly before lifting his gaze to me.
Zap.
Again with that feeling. And now it was attached to a whole new memory. It felt like the start of something.
“Are you dating Meg?” It seemed like a fair question considering what had just occurred.
He exhaled like the question had taken the wind out of him. He looked at me, pained, and shrugged. Freaking shrugged. It was like a gunshot to the feelings we had just created. Or maybe he was like this with all the girls. Just eating ice cream and kissing them and breaking their hearts.
“Okay.” That was all I was willing to say. I stood there, shaking my head. “Okay.”
That was fine then. This was fine. I needed to get away from him. Put space between us. I turned on my heels and hustled up the stairs. I thought I heard him say my name again, but I didn’t react to the tug on my heart. This freaking guy. My body was starting to fall in love with him, but my head knew I was getting played.
Chapter 29
RUFFIAN
I HEARD HER door close and I gripped the handrail hard. I was hurting her. Hurting her after kissing her. Having her in my arms. Willingly in my arms.
I was a traitor to my mother’s memory and a traitor to whatever was between this girl and me.
Some things were majestic and untouchable. An awe-inspiring landscape. The gentle fall of snow in the middle of the night. A sunset. And Teddi’s kiss.
Have you ever felt like you had everything you ever wanted? I’d had that feeling. Been in touch with what made living a purpose. Making sure that people who needed stuff had it. Wherever that feeling came from, the one that made you feel like you had wings? The one that made you feel warm inside knowing that something you did helped—truly helped someone? That’s where Teddi lived inside of me. That same warmth. That same correctness.
Pushing her away felt like trying to wear a pair of pants as a shirt. It barely worked.
I turned around and descended the stairs to my room. In the morning I’d have to deal with Teddi and what I’d done. I’d have to speak to Ronna and Mike about not being respectful in their house and with their daughter. I closed my door and settled back onto my blankets on the floor. I looked at my phone when I got a text. I was hopeful it was Teddi, and that somehow she knew not to believe a word I said and only believe in the kiss we shared, but instead it was Meg.
I touched the notification and the picture took over the whole screen. She was in a bra and had her red lips pouted. Meg was coming for this. The relationship. Me. And I knew it was to have something of Teddi’s. That’s the way Meg looked at it anyway. The girl that had everything still didn’t feel like it was enough.
_______________
THE NEXT DAY sucked balls, that was for sure. When I woke up, Teddi was already gone. She may never have even gone to bed. She was gone and Mike was gone as well. Ronna met me in the kitchen with her hands wrapped around a coffee mug. She made me an egg with orange juice as I apologized over and over.
She sat down at the table with me, setting her refreshed coffee down. “Listen, sweetheart, we understand at your age—the age you and Teddi are—there’s going to be stuff that can happen. We just want to make sure you are both safe and happy. That’s our goal here. And to help you as Gaze’s brother. For us, that makes you family. But I have to warn you, Gaze is crazy about Teddi and so is Pixie.”
I interrupted, “Mrs. Burathon, again, I am really sorry.”
She held up her finger to stop my words. “Apology accepted. Teddi and I had a talk this morning and she really set the stage for me, so I hope what occurred doesn’t make you uncomfortable.”
“What did she say occurred?” I stopped eating altogether.
She sighed and tilted her head in one direction and then the other. “She and Meg go way back. I’m not sure if you know that?”
I nodded once.
“Well, Teddi told me she wasn’t proud of what she did—that she kissed you just to stick it to Meg, mostly. We talked about how it was wrong. That interfering in your relationship with Meg was coming from a place that wasn’t okay. Wasn’t genuine. I hope you’re okay.” She pushed her lips to one side while she considered me.
“I’m fine,” I managed to mumble. That wasn’t the real thing. Meg was happening around what I felt for Teddi. Whatever the cosmic colliding that was making me be near Teddi felt like a necessity. I couldn’t be wrong about that. Could I?
“She promised she’d apologize later. And if you need her to talk to Meg, she will.” Ronna took a sip of her coffee.
I cleared my throat. “No. That won’t be necessary. I think it’s better if we all move on from this.”
She set down her coffee again. “Okay. Again, we want you comfortable. Teddi promised to steer clear of the kitchen at two a.m. She wanted me to tell you that exact thing.”
Message received. She was done with me, and I couldn’t blame her. The Meg thing sucked. But it was also my only lead in doing what I needed to do.
Thanks a lot, Mrs. Burathon. I appreciate it.” I pushed away from the table. It was time to drive to school and figure out my new life without Teddi by my side.
I hadn’t counted on how lonely my plan was going to make me. It was a quiet ride to school, and the whole time I thought of her lips.
TEDDI
I’D GOTTEN OUT and walked a few blocks early this morning. I’d never gotten more than a few minutes of sleep. I was angry, sad, and confused. The kisses were everything. And then just with a snap of his fingers, it was nothing.
I slouched down in my chair and looked at Taylor across from me in French class. She pinned me with her stare and mouthed, “Sorry.”
I thought she was referring to the incident last night that I had relayed to her on the car ride over. But instead, she flipped her phone’s screen toward me and then covered it with her hand. “Meg posted. Do you want to see?’”
I knew I wouldn’t enjoy what I would see from the way she was holding her hand. I shook my head and leaned forward. After feeling the wave of sadness, I rested my head on my arms. In no time I was asleep. When I was jolted awake by a feeling—a feeling of being alone—I woke up to empty chairs. I lo
oked around the room. The lights were out. My only clue was a note written in French on the whiteboard.
I had to pull out my phone to translate it.
We’ve gone to the library to do research. Please join us if you wake up.
Groaning, I gathered my books just as the bell rang. I headed for the door. Clearly, I had some catching up to do because Taylor would never leave me in the lurch like that. She’d wake me up. I was sure of it. And I also knew that the girls would give me the business hard as soon as possible.
When I sat down next to the girls during lunch, there was a plate on the table by my spot. It had a French fry and a croissant that someone had saved from the morning breakfast. Which was annoying because I hadn’t fallen asleep until way after second period. But someone was being a smartass.
Peaches poked at the pastry. “I thought I was going to have to eat it so I’d have some food in my stomach so I could take my period medicine.”
“Whoa. Go easy on the big words, Einstein.” Taylor broke off the tippy edge of the treat and popped it into her mouth. “It’s wicked stale. I hate this.” She pointed to her chewing mouth.
“You don’t have to keep eating it, you know.” Peaches handed her a napkin.
“No, I do, man. I’m not trying to junk up the planet with my poor decisions. This will take the entire ride in my body.” Taylor made a face as she swallowed it down.
“So, why did you all ditch me in French?” I should eat, but I was still low-key looking for Ruffian.
Taylor gave me a sad smirk. “Teacher wouldn’t let us. Said you probably needed it. I’ve got the notes, but keep that shit up and you’ll get in trouble.”
I felt Ruffian in the room before I saw him. His stare sent a signal to my brain. I had to look. I didn’t have the willpower to ignore him.
When I found him, he looked as tired as I felt. Scruffy but cuddly, too. Dammit. I stopped when our eyes met from across the cafeteria.
He opened his mouth slightly, possibly around my name. And then he came to a stuttering stop. Instead of coming to sit with Taylor, Peaches, and me, he looked around for a different table. The only one available was empty save for Bushnell and Picks. They liked to burn things. I watched as they shot daggers at Ruffian as he sat.
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